for 17 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Carl Steadman


Sean Welch




Since I myself have
experienced all of the above
in my own experiences with
the opposite sex, I can
relate. Actually, there were
many arguments... errr...
discussions that could have
been scripted out of How to
Grind Your Relationship to a
Screeching Halt in Six Weeks

And by the way, not all New
York schlemielmeisters have
hair so deep on their backs
that you could use a
lawnmower to cut it. Really.

I can see that the "nice guy"
isn't covered anywhere. Does
that mean that all nice guys
are really masking themselves
as a cross between a "guy's
guy" and "insecure man"?
Please tell. I have always
wondered who married the
truly genuine, harmless guy
who lacks any specific
"flair" in his personality,
but may actually be
emotionally stable.

Darren Reinig

p.s. Most bitter people are
not as funny as you. Why is

Unfortunately, most bitter
people don't have an editor.

Words, Words, Words

What's with these lugubrious
sorts who reject the lucidity
of your contributors? I'm
somewhat surprised no one
included Hippocrates' quote -
"The chief virtue that
language can have is
clearness, and nothing
detracts from it so much as
the use of unfamiliar words."

George Orwell said that "the
purpose of Newspeak... is to
make all other modes of
thought impossible." Here we
have it. Sesquipedalians
everywhere rejoice!

Brenda Stacy-George

Um... What?

Bombs, Bombs, Bombs

If you had three atomic bombs,
where would you drop them?

Sean McCullough
< >

We'd drop all three on your
house, you sick fuck.

Pop a Childproof Gap on Your

That is about the most true
thing I have read in quite a
while, thank you for placing
it here for people like me to
read. My name is Teddy

Mr. Thanks,

"Suck: The most truth money
can buy" was actually bandied
about as a potential Suck
catchphrase, but we decided
against it once we discovered
that dealing in half-truths
was all the market could


Ann O'Tate


High, homies.

Once again, you've captured
the dreaded zeitgeist of our
No-Grown-Up Society with
biting wit and keen

But claiming that tots with
baby cell phones and PDAs
"are more prepared than their
parents for the peculiar
challenges of modern workaday
life" is short-sighted.
Granted, my three-year-old
can probably program the VCR
better than me, but that
makes him better prepared for
my reality than for his

Kids today will have their own
peculiar set of challenges in
their grown-up life -
challenges that we can't even
begin to fathom right now. My
hope is that there will be
less emphasis on $ and work,
and that Suck will be there
to challenge the status quo,
no matter what it is.


Jody Lentz


Our marketing meetings must be
bugged. Once again, you've
come dangerously close to a
phrase on the Suck slogan
short list - "Suck:
Challenging the status quo,
no matter what it is." Don't
worry, when we find the leak,
we'll have him killed.

As for having "captured the
dreaded zeitgeist" - well, he's
a slippery beast, it's true.
You just have to use the
right bait. Crack, obviously,
works wonders.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em,

Ann O'Tate


A friend, 40-something, who
dates 20somethings and
10somethings, has a
philosophy: You're only young
once, but you can be immature

You might also access Freud on
infant sexuality, every
fashion model you can find on
the perils of reaching 20,
and whoever found that Glock
... what ARE
you guys doing in your spare

Nice article.


You work in management, don't
you? We can tell because
using nouns as verbs is a
mental virus you catch from
phone headsets and Lexus
steering wheels.

Not that we're knocking being
in management. Some of our
best friends are in
management. (Some of our
worst enemies too, but that's
another story.) Not
coincidentally, we're in
management. Which is why
we're very concerned about
this concept of "spare time"
that you brought up -
Sucksters are, according to
Wired Ventures policy, not
supposed to have any "spare
time." Hence, the employee
who found that link (we
traced the email, Owen) has
been fired. Thank you for
your concern.


Ann O'Tate


Lamb to the Slaughter:
Suckster commits verbicide

Steatopygic?... What?

I, and Webster's (the online
version), both draw a blank
on the definition of this
word... can you enlighten us?

Scott C. Hill

Thanks for writing, Scott.

Though the compound adjectives
"lard-butted" or "fat-assed"
might have done the trick, I
chose to go with the less
incivil (and, in this case,
more alliterative)
"steatopygic," from the Greek
"stear" (fat) + "pyge"
(rump). The more
complimentary term in such a
case would be "callipygous"
or "callipygian," meaning
"having well-shaped

Use this knowledge wisely, and
it will serve you well.



It's bad enough I have to look
up 3.1 percent of your
phraseology. But must you use
verbiage not found in my
handy desktop-dictionary?

For instance, please expound
on "infopablum".

Jonathan Kolyer

Thanks for writing, Jonathan.

You're not the only reader
discomfited by my gaseous
phraseology. Now that you
point it out, "infopap" might
have worked even better,
connoting as it does that
sort of premasticated food
most suitable for infants and



You use a lot of big words on
your site. Some of the folks
who read your page do not
know what all the big words
mean! Do you need big words
to say what you mean to say?
Do words mean more when they
are so big? Why not give the
ones who read the site a way
to look up big words? Or stop
using words that are so long,
like I did. Don't folks want
to see a quick, short page
these days so they do not
have to think too much, and
can click to the next place
they need to go?

Carl Tashian

I'm sorry.

I did not mean to make people
so mad at me. I did bad, some
bad thing. I'm so sorry.

I used words to write about
C-SPAN. Big words. Words with
bigness in them. I'm so

I wish I could think up the
big words in my head, but I
am bad, bad with words. I did
try to get help for the words
about C-SPAN. I looked at
some books - books with big
bad words in them. They put
the big bad words in my head.
I'm so sorry. Some think I am
mean. Some think I am dumb.
Some think I am... hold on...
"pree-TEN-chus." This is bad -
I think. I'm so sorry.

Gosh, big words are big
trouble! Small words are
good. Use small words. All of
you use small words. Small
words will make you friends.

Your pal,