for 11 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 


Joey Anuff
Producer

 


Terry Colon
Art Director

 


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor

 


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor










 


Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 


Sean Welch
Suckgineer


 

Color Me Sucky

 

I was checking out your site
at www.suck.com, and I
noticed that the colors suck.
In particular, your HTML
source reads

<body bgcolor=#ffffff>

Alert readers will note that
while you've selected a
lovely shade of white for the
background, there is no
specification for the actual
text. I can only assume that
you consider the background
to contain more vital
information that the actual
text on your page, since you
care enough about that to
give it a color, but have no
room in the file for the poor
text. On the other hand,
perhaps you actually wanted
people to read the text, in
which case you've made a
basic beginner's error, and
I'm just a wee bit
disappointed in you. I am
willing to point out that the
fix for this takes about 15
keystrokes and 10 seconds.
Feel free to send email if
you wish more detailed
technical information.

 

It's heartening to know that
there are some alert readers
out there. And you're right -
we do consider background
more important than text,
just as the beery haze, loud
music, and smoky fumes of a
bar are far more important
than any of the conversations
occuring therein.

We only wonder what color
you've chosen for your
default text... white,
perhaps? Good thinking! And
congratulations! You're
experiencing Suck like no one
else can.

 
 

More On Slurpees

I have to agree with you
regarding Slurpees as being
colorful, foul-tasting shit
in a polystyrene cup.

Except here in Sydney, they're
called "Slush Puppies" - the
flavors are equally as bad,
however. Although they've
made some fairly astounding
leaps in ice technology, the
stuff never melts... actually
I'm beginning to suspect that
I've been sucking down small,
chilled silicone ball
bearings sneakily posing as
ice particles...

I guess that could explain the
full-body hair loss and
muscle tics i've been
experiencing of late.

Anson Parker
<anson@wammo.co.nz>

Slush Puppies! Gosh, you
Australians do the cutest
things with names. But don't
even try to throw me that
Unfrozen Caveman routine with
all things sugary and fake.
Your country embraces
vitamin-free, sugary foods
like no other. When I was but
a wee lass in Melbourne, kids
would bring sandwiches made
of Wonder Bread, margarine,
and those colorful sprinkles
for lunch. They called them
"Hundreds and Thousands,"
though they had zero
nutritional value. Plus, my
elementary school sold black
licorice, hot balls, and
Sugar Daddys! Quite a
money-making venture, but no
wonder those Australian kids
were such ornery, hyperactive
little freaks... And don't
even start with me about
Vegemite, I don't care if
it's the most protein-rich,
precious food on the globe,
it's still inedible by anyone
up and over the land down
under.

On the other hand, Australians
taught me to appreciate the
musical genius of ABBA, and
for that, I am eternally
grateful.

Polly

 
 

Hidden Persuaders

Cheerleading for positive
market development rather
than being content to grind
out guilt bombs is new to
you. Perhaps that was your
intent here too, but in that
case you hid in the bushes
too long. No pounce. You know
what I mean?

Simply, I think you may have
stumbled upon your calling.
Life imitates art this time.
you should be a marketing
director, not a critic.
There's a great ad in you
just dying to get out.

Is that what's going on here?
While thousands of ad men and
copy writers daydream about
writing for writing's sake,
you, a writer (albeit poorly
paid), are really a just a
repressed smoke seller.

It's fine to laugh at Joan
Rivers' target audience as
long as you truly respect
them for what that they are:
the Primary Life Force. It's
like making fun of oxygen
consumption as a human
weakness. I guess it's true,
maybe funny and slightly
demeaning but c'mon. You
obviously understand this and
it makes me proud. Proud of
Suck. Proud of Wired. Proud
of America. Even our deviants
are mainstream.

Morgan Warstler
<dmcopy@earthlink.net>

Whoa, there Morgan - yes,
someone's been hiding in the
bushes, but 'tweren't Suck.
We came out as capitalists (a
dangerous move in San
Francisco) years ago, and
we've been proudly marching
around in the emperor's new
clothes, a thin layer of
"content" barely covering our
naked ambition, ever since.
And as far as writing ad
copy, well, contrary to
popular belief, straddling
the editorial/advertising
firewall feels terrific. Not
that we wouldn't jump at the
chance to wallow full-time in
the marketing department -
surely, as you point out, the
fertilizer for market forces'
photosynthesis.

 
 

Filler: Tall Dollarama

You people are way too
obsessed with money.

Aldrich <patald@sonic.net>

How could you tell? We thought
we hid our deepest urges to
acquire huge tracts of land
and automatic massage chairs
under layers and layers of
context and subtext and
posttext! You must be some
kind of highly skilled
critic/literary
analyst/psychoanalyst. You
read us like a training
manual aimed at a reader with
a 2nd-grade education!
Please, stay away, we feel so
revealed! You're paralyzing
us with self-consciousness,
blinding us with applied
science!

Polly Esther

 
 

Polly, I think you're great.
You're the best bit of Suck
and you should be famous and
be a TV celebrity. Are you
good-looking as well? If so I
want to marry you. Can you
send me a photo?

All my love,

Name Withheld

And if I'm not good-looking, I
shouldn't be a) famous, b) a
TV celebrity, or c) your
wife, right? All that's fine
with me, just as long as I
can still get stinking rich.
How much will you pay me for
a photo?

Polly Esther

 
 

That was the funniest thing i
have read on the web since
that email one you wrote.

I have to admit that I laughed
every time you made a
reference to smacking the
shit out of somebody. Can't
get enough of that.

Scooter
<scooter@geekcereal.com>

Well, I guess that's better
than saying you can't get
enough of smacking the shit
out of somebody. Depending on
who that somebody is, of
course.

By the way, would you be
interested in sending me some
cash for every time I make
you laugh?

Love,
Polly

 
 

That was damn funny. The whole
office was rolling. I
especially liked Figure 1. It
made me realize I'm getting
over a "womanly woman"... in
fact I'm resisting the
temptation to clip that
description and send it to
her.

Instead, just send me some
money. The more the better.

Polly Esther

 
 

Soft Ploy

Dear Sir/Madam,

Looking for a great unique
Australian soft toy for that
special person? Or would you
like to cuddle up to one
yourself?

Come and have a look around
'Wombats Australiana' at...
[omitted]

Our toys are sure to please
you or your special friend!

Just last week we were looking
for a great unique Australian
soft toy. But we couldn't
find one, so we had to settle
for a San Franciscan soft
taco, instead.

Are Wombats at all related to
Wookiees? No matter. We have
no "special friends."

 
 

Slurpzoil

You guys have good taste in
food, though decidedly
lacking in Slurpees. Slurpees
are important. Very
important. Particularly pina
colada ones. Particularly
from gas stations, where
you're fairly sure they're
made with the same petroleum
products as the automotive
preparations two aisles over.

Don't forget the Slurpees. You
know all they've done for
you.

Grey <greyrose@linex.com>

Slurpees are overrated,
friend. They're just ice, and
sugary water, and gallons of
empty ironically-embracing-
white-trash hype, and no
amount of campaigning on
Apu's part is gonna change
our minds. Now maybe, just
maybe, if cola Slurpees were
more widespread, instead of
the more familiar and
hauntingly pungent cherry or
lemon-lime flavors, we could
start to see your point.