The Fish

for 7 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 


Joey Anuff
Producer

 


Terry Colon
Art Director

 


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor

 


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor










 


Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 


Sean Welch
Suckgineer


 

Filler: Tall Dollarama

You people are way too
obsessed with money.

Aldrich <patald@sonic.net>

How could you tell? We thought
we hid our deepest urges to
acquire huge tracts of land
and automatic massage chairs
under layers and layers of
context and subtext and
posttext! You must be some
kind of highly skilled
critic/literary
analyst/psychoanalyst. You
read us like a training
manual aimed at a reader with
a 2nd-grade education!
Please, stay away, we feel so
revealed! You're paralyzing
us with self-consciousness,
blinding us with applied
science!

Polly Esther

 
 

Polly, I think you're great.
You're the best bit of Suck
and you should be famous and
be a TV celebrity. Are you
good-looking as well? If so I
want to marry you. Can you
send me a photo?

All my love,

Name Withheld

And if I'm not good-looking, I
shouldn't be a) famous, b) a
TV celebrity, or c) your
wife, right? All that's fine
with me, just as long as I
can still get stinking rich.
How much will you pay me for
a photo?

Polly Esther

 
 

That was the funniest thing i
have read on the web since
that email one you wrote.

I have to admit that I laughed
every time you made a
reference to smacking the
shit out of somebody. Can't
get enough of that.

Scooter
<scooter@geekcereal.com>

Well, I guess that's better
than saying you can't get
enough of smacking the shit
out of somebody. Depending on
who that somebody is, of
course.

By the way, would you be
interested in sending me some
cash for every time I make
you laugh?

Love,
Polly

 
 

That was damn funny. The whole
office was rolling. I
especially liked Figure 1. It
made me realize I'm getting
over a "womanly woman"... in
fact I'm resisting the
temptation to clip that
description and send it to
her.

Instead, just send me some
money. The more the better.

Polly Esther

 
 

Soft Ploy

Dear Sir/Madam,

Looking for a great unique
Australian soft toy for that
special person? Or would you
like to cuddle up to one
yourself?

Come and have a look around
'Wombats Australiana' at...
[omitted]

Our toys are sure to please
you or your special friend!

Just last week we were looking
for a great unique Australian
soft toy. But we couldn't
find one, so we had to settle
for a San Franciscan soft
taco, instead.

Are Wombats at all related to
Wookiees? No matter. We have
no "special friends."

 
 

Slurpzoil

You guys have good taste in
food, though decidedly
lacking in Slurpees. Slurpees
are important. Very
important. Particularly pina
colada ones. Particularly
from gas stations, where
you're fairly sure they're
made with the same petroleum
products as the automotive
preparations two aisles over.

Don't forget the Slurpees. You
know all they've done for
you.

Grey <greyrose@linex.com>

Slurpees are overrated,
friend. They're just ice, and
sugary water, and gallons of
empty ironically-embracing-
white-trash hype, and no
amount of campaigning on
Apu's part is gonna change
our minds. Now maybe, just
maybe, if cola Slurpees were
more widespread, instead of
the more familiar and
hauntingly pungent cherry or
lemon-lime flavors, we could
start to see your point.

 
 

Attack of the Killer
Canadians!

What with the responses we've
gotten to Furious George's
America First tirade on
Canadian comedy, you have to
wonder how NAFTA ever got
signed.

The American contribution to
Canadian comedy is
significant, but only as a
source of comic material. We
are greatly amused by our
neighbors to the south, and
have a great time spoofing
them. However, we also have a
great time spoofing
ourselves, and that is
perhaps where the major
difference between our
respective comedies lies: We
are able to laugh at
ourselves, and that is why we
produce so many world-class
comedians and so many
genuinely funny people.

Unfortunately, for too long,
we have had a horrible
tendency to feel that our
comedians, artists and
musicians haven't made it
until they break into the
American market. Our Canadian
inferiority complex has
caused great harm to our
comedy, film, television and
music industries. This is
changing, I'm happy to
report, especially in the
music industry. Hopefully it
will spread to comedy, film
and television as well.

In closing, gimme Bob as an
uncle over Sam any day!

Your pal in Toronto,

Luis Cardoso
<hydrogen@netcom.ca>

Hmm, you're right... if you
include the music industry in
an account of Canadian
culture, it's easy to
recognize how many "genuinely
funny people" have come out
of Canada... and we don't
just mean "funny-looking"!
Alanis Morrisette's success
is probably the biggest prank
pulled on America since the
we got suckered into buying
Alaska (which condemned us
forever to trans-Canada
travel).

 
 

I believe it was an SCTV
alumnus who summed up the
success of SCTV thus:
"Americans watch TV, but
Canadians watch American TV."
It is our status as outsiders
that gives us our ironic
edge.

And in Canada, this phenomenon
is evident at the next level
down. Our funniest show right
now - This Hour Has 22
Minutes - comes from a bunch
of Newfoundlanders. These
outsiders, who didn't even
join the confederation until
the 1940s, are to Canada much
as the rest of us are to the
United States, and so they
can offer us a perspective
that we do not have.

I can only wonder what you
Americans (twice removed)
would think of them?!

Roy Schulze <roy@galleon.com>

Hmmm, your point is
well-taken, but there's
something not quite right
about

Newfoundland : Canada ::
Canada : United States

We read E. Annie Proulx (and
we listen to Big Black), so
we wonder if a more
appropriate analogy might be:

Newfoundland : Canada ::
Jordan, Minnesota : United
States.

 
 

You have an attitude all too
typical of many Americans
that really grates on your
neighbours [sic] up north.
(And if you put a after
"neighbours" [sic], I'll
shove my toque down your
throat...)

A few years ago, Saturday
Night
magazine devoted an
issue to publishing views on
Canada from non-Canadians,
especially Americans. One of
the contributors was a
Hollywood screenwriter/
producer/brown-noser; his
article was about a
French-language movie from
Quebec called Le
Déclin de L'Empire
Américain
("The
Decline of the American
Empire," if you must know)
which was very successful
not only in its native
Quebec but in the ROC as
well (sorry... "Rest Of
Canada"; was that too
culturally specific?).

The writer - if I may be so
liberal as to apply the term
to someone who makes a living
in Hollywood - first declared
that he could see no
difference between Canadian
and American culture. He then
went on, in the rest of the
article, to specify how he
would have to change this
Canadian script in order for
it to be successful in the
American market, despite his
previous declaration of how
indistinguishable our
cultures are. (For example:
"The characters spend too
much time talking about sex
and never doing it," I recall
him saying. "There would have
to be more real, on-screen
sex," he declared, proving
he'd missed the point of the
movie entirely.)

Oh, the dramatic irony! I
still wonder if the article
was a hoax cooked up by a
Saturday Night staffer, but
when I see the typical dreck
generated by studios in
Southern California, the
sheer vapidity of the article
was entirely believable. And
comments like those in
yesterday's Fish only
reinforce my belief that a
real American wrote the
article.

Keep on suckin'...

Ron Stewart
<Ron_Stewart@pbsc.com>

Oooh... what's a toque?