The Fish

for 6 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Carl Steadman


Sean Welch


Soft Ploy

Dear Sir/Madam,

Looking for a great unique
Australian soft toy for that
special person? Or would you
like to cuddle up to one

Come and have a look around
'Wombats Australiana' at...

Our toys are sure to please
you or your special friend!

Just last week we were looking
for a great unique Australian
soft toy. But we couldn't
find one, so we had to settle
for a San Franciscan soft
taco, instead.

Are Wombats at all related to
Wookiees? No matter. We have
no "special friends."



You guys have good taste in
food, though decidedly
lacking in Slurpees. Slurpees
are important. Very
important. Particularly pina
colada ones. Particularly
from gas stations, where
you're fairly sure they're
made with the same petroleum
products as the automotive
preparations two aisles over.

Don't forget the Slurpees. You
know all they've done for

Grey <>

Slurpees are overrated,
friend. They're just ice, and
sugary water, and gallons of
empty ironically-embracing-
white-trash hype, and no
amount of campaigning on
Apu's part is gonna change
our minds. Now maybe, just
maybe, if cola Slurpees were
more widespread, instead of
the more familiar and
hauntingly pungent cherry or
lemon-lime flavors, we could
start to see your point.


Attack of the Killer

What with the responses we've
gotten to Furious George's
America First tirade on
Canadian comedy, you have to
wonder how NAFTA ever got

The American contribution to
Canadian comedy is
significant, but only as a
source of comic material. We
are greatly amused by our
neighbors to the south, and
have a great time spoofing
them. However, we also have a
great time spoofing
ourselves, and that is
perhaps where the major
difference between our
respective comedies lies: We
are able to laugh at
ourselves, and that is why we
produce so many world-class
comedians and so many
genuinely funny people.

Unfortunately, for too long,
we have had a horrible
tendency to feel that our
comedians, artists and
musicians haven't made it
until they break into the
American market. Our Canadian
inferiority complex has
caused great harm to our
comedy, film, television and
music industries. This is
changing, I'm happy to
report, especially in the
music industry. Hopefully it
will spread to comedy, film
and television as well.

In closing, gimme Bob as an
uncle over Sam any day!

Your pal in Toronto,

Luis Cardoso

Hmm, you're right... if you
include the music industry in
an account of Canadian
culture, it's easy to
recognize how many "genuinely
funny people" have come out
of Canada... and we don't
just mean "funny-looking"!
Alanis Morrisette's success
is probably the biggest prank
pulled on America since the
we got suckered into buying
Alaska (which condemned us
forever to trans-Canada


I believe it was an SCTV
alumnus who summed up the
success of SCTV thus:
"Americans watch TV, but
Canadians watch American TV."
It is our status as outsiders
that gives us our ironic

And in Canada, this phenomenon
is evident at the next level
down. Our funniest show right
now - This Hour Has 22
Minutes - comes from a bunch
of Newfoundlanders. These
outsiders, who didn't even
join the confederation until
the 1940s, are to Canada much
as the rest of us are to the
United States, and so they
can offer us a perspective
that we do not have.

I can only wonder what you
Americans (twice removed)
would think of them?!

Roy Schulze <>

Hmmm, your point is
well-taken, but there's
something not quite right

Newfoundland : Canada ::
Canada : United States

We read E. Annie Proulx (and
we listen to Big Black), so
we wonder if a more
appropriate analogy might be:

Newfoundland : Canada ::
Jordan, Minnesota : United


You have an attitude all too
typical of many Americans
that really grates on your
neighbours [sic] up north.
(And if you put a after
"neighbours" [sic], I'll
shove my toque down your

A few years ago, Saturday
magazine devoted an
issue to publishing views on
Canada from non-Canadians,
especially Americans. One of
the contributors was a
Hollywood screenwriter/
producer/brown-noser; his
article was about a
French-language movie from
Quebec called Le
Déclin de L'Empire
Decline of the American
Empire," if you must know)
which was very successful
not only in its native
Quebec but in the ROC as
well (sorry... "Rest Of
Canada"; was that too
culturally specific?).

The writer - if I may be so
liberal as to apply the term
to someone who makes a living
in Hollywood - first declared
that he could see no
difference between Canadian
and American culture. He then
went on, in the rest of the
article, to specify how he
would have to change this
Canadian script in order for
it to be successful in the
American market, despite his
previous declaration of how
indistinguishable our
cultures are. (For example:
"The characters spend too
much time talking about sex
and never doing it," I recall
him saying. "There would have
to be more real, on-screen
sex," he declared, proving
he'd missed the point of the
movie entirely.)

Oh, the dramatic irony! I
still wonder if the article
was a hoax cooked up by a
Saturday Night staffer, but
when I see the typical dreck
generated by studios in
Southern California, the
sheer vapidity of the article
was entirely believable. And
comments like those in
yesterday's Fish only
reinforce my belief that a
real American wrote the

Keep on suckin'...

Ron Stewart

Oooh... what's a toque?


Lip Serviceable

Furious George's Slapstick
was wonderful,
poignant and deservedly

Regarding Aykroyd and Belushi
(the lesser)'s funerary
choreography, you didn't even
mention what a pathetic
demonstration of lip-synching
it was. It's made even more
pathetic by how terrible it
sounded Not only can Jim
Belushi not sing - they
couldn't even make it sound
like he could sing from the
controls of the recording
studio. Not that John was
threatening Pavarotti's job,
but with that certain
believability he had, it
sounded right.

Suck away -

Brent Billock

You're complaining about the
lip-synching? Keep in mind,
the alternative is actually
hearing Belushi sing. Let's
count the decision to
lip-synch as the one tasteful
choice of the entire event.



Perky Canada Has Own Laws,

My, my, my... how typically
American you are. SCTV was a
Canadian television show,
highlighting the talents of
great Canadian comics such as
Andrea Martin, John Candy,
Joe Flaherty, Martin Short...
the list goes on; yet you
could only mention Americans
Martin Mull, Steve Martin and
Albert Brooks, who may have
appeared as guests on the
show, but were never part of
the cast. How pathetic! Were
you afraid your American
readers wouldn't recognize
any Canadians you may have
mentioned? I don't know why:
The Canadian contribution to
comedy in America is quite
astonishing, in light of our
population in comparison to
yours. The funniest people on
programs such as Saturday
Night Live have always been
and continue to be Canadians
such as Dan Aykroyd, Phil
Hartman, Mark McKinney,
Martin Short, etc. NewsRadio,
one of your funniest sitcoms,
features two Canadians in key
roles: Phil Hartman and Dave
Foley. Canadian comedy
programming such as Kids in
the Hall, and most recently,
This Hour Has 22 Minutes,
make Saturday Night Live in
its present incarnation seem
a huge bore (although, to be
fair, Saturday Night Live
does just fine being a huge
bore on its own). If you're
going to write about
Canadians, get your facts
straight, eh?!

Luis Cardoso

Luis, where did I say SCTV
was an American show? SCTV
was a Canadian-produced show,
but Second City (the theater
from which it gets its name)
came from Chicago (and later
opened a Toronto theater)
where all of those actors
were trained, even to the
extent of swapping casts
between Chicago and Toronto
periodically, which they
still do today. I'd actually
argue that SCTV is
indistinguishable from
American sketch comedy. I'd
be interested to hear what
you think actually separates
the two cultures comically,
because I've always felt they
were identical in most
respects. Obviously, Canadian
comics can play up specific
locales and characters - the
Bob and Doug MacKenzie
sketches, for example - but
outside of that, what? These
actors, American and
Canadian, are so closely
linked in their age,
training, and attitudes that
I find it hard to separate
them by country.

As for names left out from
SNL, don't forget Paul
Schaeffer and Lorne Michaels,
both from Canada. Although at
this point, how much of
Michaels' career do you
really want to claim as part
of your national heritage?



How To Read Suck 3.0

Yep, that's right, I am just
enough of a sucker to step up
and take yet another swing at
the New Suck 3.0 Look. Call
me crazy, but things will
never be as good as they were
in the old samizdat-style
days of Suck 1.0 - however,
far be it from me to merely
offer you another chance to
snap back with a
underneath retort: Your
response to carping reader
emails - like this one - has
been a little heavy on the
cute and light on the
venomous lately. What's up?
Worried about losing readers
or something? Well cut it
out. Personally, I think we'd
all trust a Suck that spits
on us more than a Suck that
seems to have read some
customer service poster from

Ah, but I digress.

The main point of this
particular carping email is
to point something out to all
those readers who find the
new horizontal ad frame on
the bottom a major annoyance
(not to speak of the
sincerely toned apologies
laying it at the feet of the
big bad standards bodies).
Just as Wired magazine
helpfully located their ads
so that they can be either
cut out altogether or glued
face to face
, Suck 3.0's
engineers thoughtfully...
[unintelligible] - and it's
the old Suck all over
again (or at least as
close as we can get in these
later days).

Spread the word.

Regarding the engineers' work:
We aim to please, Dan.
Readers come before ad reps,
and quality content and
service before expanding
demographics. It's just a
good thing that the sales
people around here still
think ActiveX is a skateboard
company and that Lemay is
what comes after Le April...

And as for your concern that
our letters are too "cute and
light" lately, well, you
don't seems to understand
that our misanthropy only
reaches as far as the door.
We have many reasons to be
bitter, but most if not all
of them can be viewed in a
purse-sized compact. We love
our readers, we hate only

But, as stated, we aim to
please, so: Jesus, Dan, if
you'd been paying attention,
you'd notice that we've been
regularly flogging and
flouting the new ad frame in
these very pages for some
time now. Is it your memory
that's short or just your
d... uh, attention span?

There - feel better? Let us
know if there's anything else
we can do.