The Fish

for 4 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


Carl Steadman


Sean Welch


Lip Serviceable

Furious George's Slapstick
was wonderful,
poignant and deservedly

Regarding Aykroyd and Belushi
(the lesser)'s funerary
choreography, you didn't even
mention what a pathetic
demonstration of lip-synching
it was. It's made even more
pathetic by how terrible it
sounded Not only can Jim
Belushi not sing - they
couldn't even make it sound
like he could sing from the
controls of the recording
studio. Not that John was
threatening Pavarotti's job,
but with that certain
believability he had, it
sounded right.

Suck away -

Brent Billock

You're complaining about the
lip-synching? Keep in mind,
the alternative is actually
hearing Belushi sing. Let's
count the decision to
lip-synch as the one tasteful
choice of the entire event.



Perky Canada Has Own Laws,

My, my, my... how typically
American you are. SCTV was a
Canadian television show,
highlighting the talents of
great Canadian comics such as
Andrea Martin, John Candy,
Joe Flaherty, Martin Short...
the list goes on; yet you
could only mention Americans
Martin Mull, Steve Martin and
Albert Brooks, who may have
appeared as guests on the
show, but were never part of
the cast. How pathetic! Were
you afraid your American
readers wouldn't recognize
any Canadians you may have
mentioned? I don't know why:
The Canadian contribution to
comedy in America is quite
astonishing, in light of our
population in comparison to
yours. The funniest people on
programs such as Saturday
Night Live have always been
and continue to be Canadians
such as Dan Aykroyd, Phil
Hartman, Mark McKinney,
Martin Short, etc. NewsRadio,
one of your funniest sitcoms,
features two Canadians in key
roles: Phil Hartman and Dave
Foley. Canadian comedy
programming such as Kids in
the Hall, and most recently,
This Hour Has 22 Minutes,
make Saturday Night Live in
its present incarnation seem
a huge bore (although, to be
fair, Saturday Night Live
does just fine being a huge
bore on its own). If you're
going to write about
Canadians, get your facts
straight, eh?!

Luis Cardoso

Luis, where did I say SCTV
was an American show? SCTV
was a Canadian-produced show,
but Second City (the theater
from which it gets its name)
came from Chicago (and later
opened a Toronto theater)
where all of those actors
were trained, even to the
extent of swapping casts
between Chicago and Toronto
periodically, which they
still do today. I'd actually
argue that SCTV is
indistinguishable from
American sketch comedy. I'd
be interested to hear what
you think actually separates
the two cultures comically,
because I've always felt they
were identical in most
respects. Obviously, Canadian
comics can play up specific
locales and characters - the
Bob and Doug McKenzie
sketches, for example - but
outside of that, what? These
actors, American and
Canadian, are so closely
linked in their age,
training, and attitudes that
I find it hard to separate
them by country.

As for names left out from
SNL, don't forget Paul
Shaffer and Lorne Michaels,
both from Canada. Although at
this point, how much of
Michaels' career do you
really want to claim as part
of your national heritage?



How To Read Suck 3.0

Yep, that's right, I am just
enough of a sucker to step up
and take yet another swing at
the New Suck 3.0 Look. Call
me crazy, but things will
never be as good as they were
in the old samizdat-style
days of Suck 1.0 - however,
far be it from me to merely
offer you another chance to
snap back with a
underneath retort: Your
response to carping reader
emails - like this one - has
been a little heavy on the
cute and light on the
venomous lately. What's up?
Worried about losing readers
or something? Well cut it
out. Personally, I think we'd
all trust a Suck that spits
on us more than a Suck that
seems to have read some
customer service poster from

Ah, but I digress.

The main point of this
particular carping email is
to point something out to all
those readers who find the
new horizontal ad frame on
the bottom a major annoyance
(not to speak of the
sincerely toned apologies
laying it at the feet of the
big bad standards bodies).
Just as Wired magazine
helpfully located their ads
so that they can be either
cut out altogether or glued
face to face
, Suck 3.0's
engineers thoughtfully...
[unintelligible] - and it's
the old Suck all over
again (or at least as
close as we can get in these
later days).

Spread the word.

Regarding the engineers' work:
We aim to please, Dan.
Readers come before ad reps,
and quality content and
service before expanding
demographics. It's just a
good thing that the sales
people around here still
think ActiveX is a skateboard
company and that Lemay is
what comes after Le April...

And as for your concern that
our letters are too "cute and
light" lately, well, you
don't seems to understand
that our misanthropy only
reaches as far as the door.
We have many reasons to be
bitter, but most if not all
of them can be viewed in a
purse-sized compact. We love
our readers, we hate only

But, as stated, we aim to
please, so: Jesus, Dan, if
you'd been paying attention,
you'd notice that we've been
regularly flogging and
flouting the new ad frame in
these very pages for some
time now. Is it your memory
that's short or just your
d... uh, attention span?

There - feel better? Let us
know if there's anything else
we can do.


Press Release o' the Day


What is Nihilism? What's it
like to not believe in
anything? What is nihilist
art? Where can you find
nihilist videos? Answers to
these questions and more are
now available on the new
Nihilists' Corner World Wide
Web site. Conceptual artist
Elisha Shapiro has spent the
last six months constructing
this extensive resource.
Shapiro says, "This site
makes learning about nihilism
fun. Whether you're just
curious about nihilism, or
you're a nihilist yourself,
it's great entertainment."

Shapiro is the artist who
created the Nihilist Olympics
in 1984. Events like the
Decathlon of Housework and
the Projectile Vomiting
Marathon were highlights of
the Olympics, and are now
part of the extensive and
hilarious documentation at
this site. There is also
documentation of Shapiro's
National Nihilist Party
campaigns for President in
1988 and LA County Sheriff in
1994. The Nihilist Corner Web
Site also features serious
information about the
philosophy of nihilism as
well as extensive reading
suggestions. There is also a
complete list of videos from
Nihilist Productions, along
with products from the
Nihilist Press. There is a
page for visitors to comment
about nihilism or about this
site and to read the comments
of others. The latest
addition to the Nihilists'
Corner Web site is a page of
Nihilist Links if you want to
continue on to other sites.
This is a must visit:

Projectile Vomiting Marathon?
Who knew learning about
nihilism could be that much


Polly Wants to Smack Him

Hey "Polly"

Have you ever tried Equinox
itself or tried the products?
If not get this crap off the
net because we are
environmentally aware and we
are trying to do something
for the good of mankind and
it is not a cult. We don't go
around chanting little
sayings, because we don't
have the time to! We are too
busy trying to get pig-headed
people like you to do
something with your lives and
stop wasting your time
putting garbage like this on
the net!


Polly Esther responds:

Well, it happens at least once
a week. Someone writes to me
about that Equinox article I
wrote almost exactly a year
ago. Only they usually write
to tell me all about how
Equinox's quasi-pyramid
scheme depleted their
savings, lost them a number
of friends, cost them their
marriages, or otherwise
ruined their lives.

But it is good to hear that
you're making an effort to
get people like me to stop
wasting my time. Please, do
help! I can't seem to stop
putting garbage like this on
the net! And you should meet
the people I have to work
with.... It's a nightmare
with no end in sight.


Drugs Become Her

Let's see... drugs are bad for
you, kids. They don't expand
minds. Next Filler - go get
some Colombian?

Do you just fill your online
zine with drug-filled prose
to attract a few more readers
or is it some other conniving
plot? I realize that market
segment probably constitutes
a large number of the
consumer population, but your
recent anti-drugs/pro-drugs
stance has confused the dummy
pipe right out of my hands.
Which is it, "no drugs" or
"go drugs"?

And a recent source has told
me that Bill has taken acid
and been to see some band
that has drug-related
undertones in its cult
following. The name of the
band escapes me at the moment
due to the influence of a
rather large bongload of KGB.

Wow, and thanks man, uuhhh, I
mean Polly.


Drugs do not e x p a n d
minds, or the Sucksters would
all have huge-ass heads and
really open attitudes. We're
closed people, and drugs have
only made it worse. But the
only way to fight this closed
feeling is with more drugs...

Oh, ha ha ha. No one here does

Unless the dummy pipe is just
there, loaded, and no one's
looking, and no kids are in
the room and no one has to
drive anyone anywhere and no
emergencies are about to
arise, at least not according
to the predictive powers of
our addled, drug-starved

We're just talking about pot,
here, keep in mind. But if a
bong is emptied in the
forest, or, say, in an
apartment, and no one's there
to see it, does it really
make a sound... or, er, a

We wouldn't know, since we've
never tried it.


Be-In Digital

You had to be there. Drooling
tripping morons aside (and I
was one of them), the Sixties
begat freedom of speech which
begat civil rights which
begat equal rights which
begat gay rights... amen....
And along the way, there were
some busted heads.... And it
took a lot of drooling
tripping morons (and I was
one of them) to end the
draft. Imagine proud drooling
and tripping members of Gen-X
pounding their respective
puds in piles of sand
somewhere in the vicinity of
Kuwait, Bosnia, or some other
tribal dispute that can never
ever be solved by any
Washington thinktank

You really had to be there.
Many of you folks
underestimate the struggle.
Sure, we made our mistakes,
such as the drooling and
tripping, but don't write us
off so easily.

"Grape" <>

Thanks for the history
lesson, Grape, but it looks
like you must have missed out
on class yourself -
sp ecifically, the portions
covering things like the
Constitution and early
American history.

Unless, of course, your
reference to "the Sixties"
alludes not to the
acid-dipped middle decades of
the 20th century, but to the
far more tumultuous and more
(literally) revolutionary
18th century. In which case,
you're right: The
pseudonymous writings of
Thomas Paine begat a
widespread appeal for freedom
of speech, which begat the
Federalist Papers which begat
the Bill of Rights which
begat the Thirteenth
Amendment which begat... oh,
you get the idea.

What's really news to us is
this notion that John Hancock
et al. were jonesing. Ben
Franklin was known to tipple,
but I know of no evidence
that the Founding Fathers
ever dropped a tab.

At least you admit you're a
moron. Were you always that
way, or is it because of the
drugs? Do tell us, 'cuz if
it's the latter, then maybe
we should stop.

Ann O'Tate


Interactor's Nightmare

That Washington Monument link
was priceless. I've never
literally laughed out loud at
something I've read on the
net like that before...

Keep up the good.

Britain P. Woodman

I fear that the monumental
challenge of matching the
Nation's Phallus in
(e)rectitude is rather beyond
our powers, but we're pleased
that the pointed humor we
sheathed in hypertext gave
you such a lift.

The Copy Boy