for 30 January 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 


Joey Anuff
Producer

 


Terry Colon
Art Director

 


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor

 


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor










 


Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 


Sean Welch
Suckgineer


 

Polly Wants to Smack Him

Hey "Polly"

Have you ever tried Equinox
itself or tried the products?
If not get this crap off the
net because we are
environmentally aware and we
are trying to do something
for the good of mankind and
it is not a cult. We don't go
around chanting little
sayings, because we don't
have the time to! We are too
busy trying to get pig-headed
people like you to do
something with your lives and
stop wasting your time
putting garbage like this on
the net!

Anonymous

Polly Esther responds:

Well, it happens at least once
a week. Someone writes to me
about that Equinox article I
wrote almost exactly a year
ago. Only they usually write
to tell me all about how
Equinox's quasi-pyramid
scheme depleted their
savings, lost them a number
of friends, cost them their
marriages, or otherwise
ruined their lives.

But it is good to hear that
you're making an effort to
get people like me to stop
wasting my time. Please, do
help! I can't seem to stop
putting garbage like this on
the net! And you should meet
the people I have to work
with.... It's a nightmare
with no end in sight.

 
 

Drugs Become Her

Let's see... drugs are bad for
you, kids. They don't expand
minds. Next Filler - go get
some Colombian?

Do you just fill your online
zine with drug-filled prose
to attract a few more readers
or is it some other conniving
plot? I realize that market
segment probably constitutes
a large number of the
consumer population, but your
recent anti-drugs/pro-drugs
stance has confused the dummy
pipe right out of my hands.
Which is it, "no drugs" or
"go drugs"?

And a recent source has told
me that Bill has taken acid
and been to see some band
that has drug-related
undertones in its cult
following. The name of the
band escapes me at the moment
due to the influence of a
rather large bongload of KGB.

Wow, and thanks man, uuhhh, I
mean Polly.

Anonymous

Drugs do not e x p a n d
minds, or the Sucksters would
all have huge-ass heads and
really open attitudes. We're
closed people, and drugs have
only made it worse. But the
only way to fight this closed
feeling is with more drugs...

Oh, ha ha ha. No one here does
drugs!

Unless the dummy pipe is just
there, loaded, and no one's
looking, and no kids are in
the room and no one has to
drive anyone anywhere and no
emergencies are about to
arise, at least not according
to the predictive powers of
our addled, drug-starved
minds.

We're just talking about pot,
here, keep in mind. But if a
bong is emptied in the
forest, or, say, in an
apartment, and no one's there
to see it, does it really
make a sound... or, er, a
difference?

We wouldn't know, since we've
never tried it.
<cough>

 
 

Be-In Digital

You had to be there. Drooling
tripping morons aside (and I
was one of them), the Sixties
begat freedom of speech which
begat civil rights which
begat equal rights which
begat gay rights... amen....
And along the way, there were
some busted heads.... And it
took a lot of drooling
tripping morons (and I was
one of them) to end the
draft. Imagine proud drooling
and tripping members of Gen-X
pounding their respective
puds in piles of sand
somewhere in the vicinity of
Kuwait, Bosnia, or some other
tribal dispute that can never
ever be solved by any
Washington thinktank
pinheads.

You really had to be there.
Many of you folks
underestimate the struggle.
Sure, we made our mistakes,
such as the drooling and
tripping, but don't write us
off so easily.

"Grape" <grape1@earthlink.net>

Thanks for the history
lesson, Grape, but it looks
like you must have missed out
on class yourself -
sp ecifically, the portions
covering things like the
Constitution and early
American history.

Unless, of course, your
reference to "the Sixties"
alludes not to the
acid-dipped middle decades of
the 20th century, but to the
far more tumultuous and more
(literally) revolutionary
18th century. In which case,
you're right: The
pseudonymous writings of
Thomas Paine begat a
widespread appeal for freedom
of speech, which begat the
Federalist Papers which begat
the Bill of Rights which
begat the Thirteenth
Amendment which begat... oh,
you get the idea.

What's really news to us is
this notion that John Hancock
et al. were jonesing. Ben
Franklin was known to tipple,
but I know of no evidence
that the Founding Fathers
ever dropped a tab.

At least you admit you're a
moron. Were you always that
way, or is it because of the
drugs? Do tell us, 'cuz if
it's the latter, then maybe
we should stop.

Ann O'Tate

 
 

Interactor's Nightmare

That Washington Monument link
was priceless. I've never
literally laughed out loud at
something I've read on the
net like that before...

Keep up the good.

Britain P. Woodman
<britain@dragon.emich.edu>

I fear that the monumental
challenge of matching the
Nation's Phallus in
(e)rectitude is rather beyond
our powers, but we're pleased
that the pointed humor we
sheathed in hypertext gave
you such a lift.

The Copy Boy

 
 

Class Traitor Dismissed

Only a third of the way
through E.L. Skinner's
article, I decided that class
treachery was the way to go.
Where do I sign up?

No One We Know
<jimm@mail.datanet.hu>

E.L. Skinner responds:

The best thing, of course, is
that there really isn't a job
description for either "class
treasurer" or "class
traitor"; it's mostly just
filler for one's personal
inventory...

 
 

So someone actually reads this shit

Doubleplusgood for you
Sucksters to include What
Makes Sammy Run
in "The
Shit." It is totally a book
for the times.

In fact, hmmmmm......

THE PITCH:

What Makes Sammy Run, the
movie, with a story updated
for the '90s!

Instead of opening in a
newspaper publishing office,
the movie starts in a loft
somewhere South of Market. A
senior writer for an online
"daily column of
vituperation" notices the new
HTML slinger, Sammy, typing
furiously at his workstation.
The writer asks the intern,
"So, do you like your job
here?"

"Yeah," answers Sammy, "it's
good for now, but if I'm here
in a year, it'll suck."

"But you get paid very well
here," the 31-year-old writer
counters.

"That might be good for you,
old man," sneers the webster,
"but I'm talking to some VC
people about funding a new
company. I've been eating
lunch in South Park and
overhearing people's ideas
for way new revenue models.
If all goes to plan, I'll be
managing an IPO in eight
months!"

"Boy, that's some kid," thinks
the writer as he walks back
to his cube.

The story then follows Sammy
as he climbs and grabs his
way up the ladder of success.
The writer, although burned
and embarrassed by an end-run
that the kid pulled at their
old company, signs up to
"produce content" at Sammy's
new venture. The writer falls
in love with a pierced but
down-to-earth webgrrl and
together they watch Sammy
battle to become more and
more of a player.

Until the bottom falls out...

Sammy's company goes public.
In a few weeks, it is trading
at a P/E ratio of 514. In
celebration, Sammy puts on
the Christmas party of all
Christmas parties. Jumbo
shrimp is served by the drum.
As Sammy works the room full
of digerati, he notices that
all of his staff have left
the room. Suspicious, he
searches for them from room
to room. Finally, he flings
open a door to find his staff
standing in a circle
around...

...the CEO of a large
Redmond-based
operating-system maker.

The CEO looks Sammy coldly in
the eye and says, "I've hired
all your staff away from you.
If you ever try to get into
the business again, I'll bury
you. I'll give my version of
your product away for free!"

The writer and the webgrrl
don't go to Redmond; they get
married and move to Tahoe to
ski for a year. As they pull
away from the banquet hall in
their sports-utility vehicle,
they look back at Sammy
talking to the CEO,
negotiating a consulting
agreement.

THE END

Next step... casting!

Peter Glover
<pglover@sirius.com >

Sounds great - sort of a Hackers-meets-
Metropolitan-with-a-
stop -at-Jerry Maguire
kind of thing. We see
Leonardo DiCaprio in the
Kevin Spacey role (a stretch,
but that's what he needs
right now), and the "writer"
spots seems like a good
opportunity for Andrew
McCarthy to make a comeback.
Reese Witherspoon's reading
for the part of the webgrrl,
but I hear Drew's
interested...

Our people will call your
people... and don't worry,
you'll get "story" credit,
really. Trust us.

 
 

Press Release o' the Day

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
 

PROTECTIVE GARMENT FOR
ATHLETICS OR EVERYDAY COMFORT
AND HYGIENE

(Manitoba, Canada - January
21, 1997) - R & C Associates
have developed a new product
for men called Manhood.
Manhood protects the
sensitive genital area from
chaffing and abrasions
generally associated with a
repetitive sports activity
such as cycling as well as
offering everyday
supplemental hygiene
protection. Manhood has been
showcased in "Men's Health,"
"GQ," "Fortune Magazine,"
"Men's Confidential" and
"Men's Fitness" as well as
issues of "FAB" and "SQ
Magazine."

The Manhood garment is
specially designed for the
circumcised male to act as a
foreskin substitute which
protects genitalia from harsh
environments. The product was
developed as a solution for
mostly American males who are
routinely circumcised as
infants.

According to company founder,
Randy Tymkin, "There is much
documented proof of the
sexual function of the
foreskin, other nations have
proven that anyone can learn
hygiene while retaining their
birthright. Manhood is only
part of the solution." R & C
Associates encourages
families and men to learn
more about the pros and cons
of surgical circumcision.

More details about the Manhood
can be found at the product
website located at
http.://www.wwww
is.com/manhood/

There is also an Internet page
that completely demonstrates
how the Manhood works. Please
note that due to the nature
of the product these
photographs contain mature
subject matter and contain
nudity. This page is located
at http://www.wwwwis
.com/manhood/mh1.htm

As any feminist will tell
you, not only is "Manhood
only part of the solution,"
it's also part of the
problem.

We'd like to note that those
wily Canadians are behind
this scheme.