for 28 January 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 


Joey Anuff
Producer

 


Terry Colon
Art Director

 


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor

 


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor










 


Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 


Sean Welch
Suckgineer


 

Class Traitor Dismissed

Only a third of the way
through E.L. Skinner's
article, I decided that class
treachery was the way to go.
Where do I sign up?

No One We Know
<jimm@mail.datanet.hu>

E.L. Skinner responds:

The best thing, of course, is
that there really isn't a job
description for either "class
treasurer" or "class
traitor"; it's mostly just
filler for one's personal
inventory...

 
 

So someone actually reads this shit

Doubleplusgood for you
Sucksters to include What
Makes Sammy Run
in "The
Shit." It is totally a book
for the times.

In fact, hmmmmm......

THE PITCH:

What Makes Sammy Run, the
movie, with a story updated
for the '90s!

Instead of opening in a
newspaper publishing office,
the movie starts in a loft
somewhere South of Market. A
senior writer for an online
"daily column of
vituperation" notices the new
HTML slinger, Sammy, typing
furiously at his workstation.
The writer asks the intern,
"So, do you like your job
here?"

"Yeah," answers Sammy, "it's
good for now, but if I'm here
in a year, it'll suck."

"But you get paid very well
here," the 31-year-old writer
counters.

"That might be good for you,
old man," sneers the webster,
"but I'm talking to some VC
people about funding a new
company. I've been eating
lunch in South Park and
overhearing people's ideas
for way new revenue models.
If all goes to plan, I'll be
managing an IPO in eight
months!"

"Boy, that's some kid," thinks
the writer as he walks back
to his cube.

The story then follows Sammy
as he climbs and grabs his
way up the ladder of success.
The writer, although burned
and embarrassed by an end-run
that the kid pulled at their
old company, signs up to
"produce content" at Sammy's
new venture. The writer falls
in love with a pierced but
down-to-earth webgrrl and
together they watch Sammy
battle to become more and
more of a player.

Until the bottom falls out...

Sammy's company goes public.
In a few weeks, it is trading
at a P/E ratio of 514. In
celebration, Sammy puts on
the Christmas party of all
Christmas parties. Jumbo
shrimp is served by the drum.
As Sammy works the room full
of digerati, he notices that
all of his staff have left
the room. Suspicious, he
searches for them from room
to room. Finally, he flings
open a door to find his staff
standing in a circle
around...

...the CEO of a large
Redmond-based
operating-system maker.

The CEO looks Sammy coldly in
the eye and says, "I've hired
all your staff away from you.
If you ever try to get into
the business again, I'll bury
you. I'll give my version of
your product away for free!"

The writer and the webgrrl
don't go to Redmond; they get
married and move to Tahoe to
ski for a year. As they pull
away from the banquet hall in
their sports-utility vehicle,
they look back at Sammy
talking to the CEO,
negotiating a consulting
agreement.

THE END

Next step... casting!

Peter Glover
<pglover@sirius.com >

Sounds great - sort of a Hackers-meets-
Metropolitan-with-a-
stop -at-Jerry Maguire
kind of thing. We see
Leonardo DiCaprio in the
Kevin Spacey role (a stretch,
but that's what he needs
right now), and the "writer"
spots seems like a good
opportunity for Andrew
McCarthy to make a comeback.
Reese Witherspoon's reading
for the part of the webgrrl,
but I hear Drew's
interested...

Our people will call your
people... and don't worry,
you'll get "story" credit,
really. Trust us.

 
 

Press Release o' the Day

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
 

PROTECTIVE GARMENT FOR
ATHLETICS OR EVERYDAY COMFORT
AND HYGIENE

(Manitoba, Canada - January
21, 1997) - R & C Associates
have developed a new product
for men called Manhood.
Manhood protects the
sensitive genital area from
chaffing and abrasions
generally associated with a
repetitive sports activity
such as cycling as well as
offering everyday
supplemental hygiene
protection. Manhood has been
showcased in "Men's Health,"
"GQ," "Fortune Magazine,"
"Men's Confidential" and
"Men's Fitness" as well as
issues of "FAB" and "SQ
Magazine."

The Manhood garment is
specially designed for the
circumcised male to act as a
foreskin substitute which
protects genitalia from harsh
environments. The product was
developed as a solution for
mostly American males who are
routinely circumcised as
infants.

According to company founder,
Randy Tymkin, "There is much
documented proof of the
sexual function of the
foreskin, other nations have
proven that anyone can learn
hygiene while retaining their
birthright. Manhood is only
part of the solution." R & C
Associates encourages
families and men to learn
more about the pros and cons
of surgical circumcision.

More details about the Manhood
can be found at the product
website located at
http.://www.wwww
is.com/manhood/

There is also an Internet page
that completely demonstrates
how the Manhood works. Please
note that due to the nature
of the product these
photographs contain mature
subject matter and contain
nudity. This page is located
at http://www.wwwwis
.com/manhood/mh1.htm

As any feminist will tell
you, not only is "Manhood
only part of the solution,"
it's also part of the
problem.

We'd like to note that those
wily Canadians are behind
this scheme.

 
 

Suck - the Advice Column!

I don't see what the ruckus is
about over your ad banner at
the bottom of the page. At
least y'all had the decency
to make the frame adjustable.
No big deal.

I have a question for you, and
seeing as how y'all are so
web-savvy and what-not, you
can probably answer it: Where
is the best place to pick up
women online (good looking
ones)?

Just keeping it real,

Bragu ....the type of guy who
thinks the puddin' is
delicious

<bragu@usa.net>

In your search for the best
place to pick up women
online, it's best to keep
your mindframe like our
adframe: adjustable and open
to suggestion. Copping to the
fact that you're never
actually going to share the
same area code with most of
the women you meet online
means that you don't have to
worry if they're
good-looking... or if they're
women... or if they're
real...

 
 

Filler

My looord, you at Suck really
do like Bill!!! When can we
expect the M$ brand of
approval across your masthead
or, say, a link to Slate?

Relocating to Redmond might be
good for you, or maybe you
have.....

<http://www.unitedmedia.com/
comics/dilbert/
>

Roger Day
<rday@harlequin.co.uk>

Rest assured that we'd sell
our souls to Billy G. in a
heartbeat.

Now that we have that little
matter cleared up... The item
in question was meant not so
much to praise Bill but to
disparage Steve. Gentle Suck
readers will recall Steve
Jobs' remarks that Bill
should have dropped acid when
he was younger, for this
would've broadened his narrow
little mind. Kind of a funny
comment, coming from just
about anyone but Mr. "Too
Cool for School" Jobs
.

Kids, drugs don't broaden
minds. They fry them, like
eggs. Over-easy. No, more
like scrambled, hard. Oh boy,
but does it feel good when
that heat comes on!

Oops.

 
 

net.moguls

Did anyone else notice that
when you started taking
advertising from
"bezerk.com", from Berkeley
Systems, was the same week
you made the CEO of Berkeley
Systems your net.mogul?

Lame on, dudes.

Brian Bulkowski
<brian@bulkowski.org>

We'd have no problem cutting
those Berkeley Systems people
a shady deal. Unfortunately,
in this case, we didn't
leverage our editorial
effectively. Bad editorial!

Oh, but perhaps you're
interested in having a
net.moguls card made of you,
Brian! You have your own
personalized domain name,
that may be enough
qualification... Carl? Is
that enough? Yes, Carl says,
that's enough. That and a
check for $20,000, payable to
Suck.com, 660 Third St, 4th
Floor, San Francisco, CA
94107.

 
 

Suck's Little Instruction
Book

Dear Sucksters,

please help me! all i have in
my apartment is a bag of
funny smelling rice, some
thai prawn soup mix, a box of
rock salt, 750ml of Jose
Cuervo's "Cuervo Especial"
tequila, half a jar of
Tostitos mild salsa, a small
jar of course ground black
pepper, 500ml of soy sauce
and 22 head-cold tablets.

what can i make to eat with
these ingredients?

Anson Parker
<hungry_boy@wammo.co.nz>

p.s please hurry - i'm really
hungry!

p.p.s the lettering on my bag
of rice is still wet and
refuses to dry! is this a bad
sign?

Pour the 750 ml of Cuervo Gold
into a bowl. Add 3 of the
head-cold tablets and the
salt. Then add the funny
smelling rice and the prawn
soup mix. The alcohol and the
salt should kill any
dangerous germs in the
fermenting rice. Heat to a
boil, and voila! Now all you
need is some fine Colombian
and a 19-year-old.

 
 

Giant Sucking Sound

Frankly, Suck IS rock and roll -
but I think you could make
it better with the deft
injection of some background
ambience. Like some kind of
cerebral pretzel to keep us
going on the bar crawl that
is Suck Daily.

I was thinking MIDI would be
cool 'cos the files are quite
small so it wouldn't slow
down your advertisement
loading times too much. I
found a great tune the other
day called Axel-F - check it
out.

Well hey, it was either this
or email that web-based
chemo-guru Dr. Weil about my
tennis elbow.

Anson Parker
<anson@wammo.co.nz >

You've read our minds! Polly's
been touting "Axel F," the
theme to Beverly Hills Cop,
as the ultimate Suck
soundtrack for some time now,
perhaps due to her fond
memories of performing a
cheerleading routine to its
suspense-inducing strains
almost 10 years ago, in a
high-level cheerleading
competition (not so
high-level as to appear on
ESPN but high-level,
nonetheless). Polly sadly
recalls that she and her
squad members botched the
entire routine, including a
near-paralysis-inducing fall
from the top of the pyramid
by the girl unfortunate
enough to be the smallest, a
fall which was supposed to be
prevented by "spotter" Polly,
though she was never briefed
on how to "catch" said
cheerleader mid-air, or
otherwise break her fall.
Some training in CPR or other
emergency medical procedures
also might have come in
handy.

A digression, but one that
serves as a rather nice
metaphor for Suck in general,
no?

 
 

Cookies

had to get up at six ayem to
take the trashmo car to the
garage. had a heavy-fat-laden
breakfast at the big boy
across the street while
reading the new york times'
whines about how dull bill
clinton's speeches were. then
i rode the shuttle bus from
the auto shop to work,
careening across the
backroads of ypsilanti while
hearing the driver talk about
how she used to cut off
stupid drivers with her semi
truck, back in the old days
in san francisco. then she
confided to me about the pot
she grew in her backyard,
although she can't smoke any
'cause her employer requires
random drug tests. ever since
i grew a ponytail, i get to
hear all kinds of former
hippies to confess about
their wild times. unspoken
kinship an' all that.

so i get into the office the
earliest i have in weeks
(9:05 am) and spend almost a
whole minute hitting the 'no'
button for every
cookie-laying request your
site makes, all the while
trying to get the NAD to
successfully track the keiji
haino-loren mazza cane cd
before giving up and
replacing the disk with steve
reich's 'four organs'.

freakin' a. why must i suffer
so? can't you tell the
uberlords at 'hotwired' or
'wired' or whichever
subdivision of that media
conglomerate to stop their
attempts at tracking every
slight movement of their
potential demographics while
at the same time
hypocritically preaching from
their editorial pulpits about
the evils of corporate and
government electronic
surveillance in all their
forms?

web cookies blow. make them
stop.

Art Delano
<adelano@frymulti.com>

Nice word-picture you painted
there, Art. Ahhh, an apt
name, too.

Look, let's not go into the
cookies question for the
umpteenth time, let's make
weak excuses instead. You
should know better than to
think we're on speaking terms
with the uberlords at
HotWired or Wired. We just
tromp in every morning and
bark joyfully, then wag our
tails real thankful-like when
they fill our little bowls
with kibbles. Sure, we
wouldn't mind chomping down
on a fat hand that strays too
close to our snapping jaws,
but in general, we can't do
much but more than romp in
our dirt yard and bug the
shit out of the neighbors by
barking up the wrong tree.

 
 

Dream Jobs

Please look at today's
selection for Dream Jobs
in
Hotwired.

A web internship that offers
no money and no guarantee of
a job at the end of six
months.

Your ridicule would be greatly
appreciated on this topic.

Henry Higgins

You'll regret those words.

Henry, intern means slave.
We're not saying it's right,
but a few of us have done
this thing they call
"interning," financed by Visa
and Mastercard, and, sadly,
it's one of the only ways to
break into most highly
desirable fields. Unless the
interviewer finds you highly
desirable.

Is it called "Dream
Internships"? No, but maybe
it should be. Is this
internship crap totally
abusive bullshit? Of course.
But then, in the working
world, what isn't?

It's time to wake up and smell
the sweaty, overworked
dwarfs, Dorothy. We don't
have a guarantee of a job at
the end of six months...
Please, name one company that
does guarantee such a thing
in this industry.

What's that you say? Really?

Do they have any openings?