for 24 January 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 


Joey Anuff
Producer

 


Terry Colon
Art Director

 


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor

 


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor










 


Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 


Sean Welch
Suckgineer


 

Filler

My looord, you at Suck really
do like Bill!!! When can we
expect the M$ brand of
approval across your masthead
or, say, a link to Slate?

Relocating to Redmond might be
good for you, or maybe you
have.....

<http://www.unitedmedia.com/
comics/dilbert/
>

Roger Day
<rday@harlequin.co.uk>

Rest assured that we'd sell
our souls to Billy G. in a
heartbeat.

Now that we have that little
matter cleared up... The item
in question was meant not so
much to praise Bill but to
disparage Steve. Gentle Suck
readers will recall Steve
Jobs' remarks that Bill
should have dropped acid when
he was younger, for this
would've broadened his narrow
little mind. Kind of a funny
comment, coming from just
about anyone but Mr. "Too
Cool for School" Jobs
.

Kids, drugs don't broaden
minds. They fry them, like
eggs. Over-easy. No, more
like scrambled, hard. Oh boy,
but does it feel good when
that heat comes on!

Oops.

 
 

net.moguls

Did anyone else notice that
when you started taking
advertising from
"bezerk.com", from Berkeley
Systems, was the same week
you made the CEO of Berkeley
Systems your net.mogul?

Lame on, dudes.

Brian Bulkowski
<brian@bulkowski.org>

We'd have no problem cutting
those Berkeley Systems people
a shady deal. Unfortunately,
in this case, we didn't
leverage our editorial
effectively. Bad editorial!

Oh, but perhaps you're
interested in having a
net.moguls card made of you,
Brian! You have your own
personalized domain name,
that may be enough
qualification... Carl? Is
that enough? Yes, Carl says,
that's enough. That and a
check for $20,000, payable to
Suck.com, 660 Third St, 4th
Floor, San Francisco, CA
94107.

 
 

Suck's Little Instruction
Book

Dear Sucksters,

please help me! all i have in
my apartment is a bag of
funny smelling rice, some
thai prawn soup mix, a box of
rock salt, 750ml of Jose
Cuervo's "Cuervo Especial"
tequila, half a jar of
Tostitos mild salsa, a small
jar of course ground black
pepper, 500ml of soy sauce
and 22 head-cold tablets.

what can i make to eat with
these ingredients?

Anson Parker
<hungry_boy@wammo.co.nz>

p.s please hurry - i'm really
hungry!

p.p.s the lettering on my bag
of rice is still wet and
refuses to dry! is this a bad
sign?

Pour the 750 ml of Cuervo Gold
into a bowl. Add 3 of the
head-cold tablets and the
salt. Then add the funny
smelling rice and the prawn
soup mix. The alcohol and the
salt should kill any
dangerous germs in the
fermenting rice. Heat to a
boil, and voila! Now all you
need is some fine Colombian
and a 19-year-old.

 
 

Giant Sucking Sound

Frankly, Suck IS rock and roll -
but I think you could make
it better with the deft
injection of some background
ambience. Like some kind of
cerebral pretzel to keep us
going on the bar crawl that
is Suck Daily.

I was thinking MIDI would be
cool 'cos the files are quite
small so it wouldn't slow
down your advertisement
loading times too much. I
found a great tune the other
day called Axel-F - check it
out.

Well hey, it was either this
or email that web-based
chemo-guru Dr. Weil about my
tennis elbow.

Anson Parker
<anson@wammo.co.nz >

You've read our minds! Polly's
been touting "Axel F," the
theme to Beverly Hills Cop,
as the ultimate Suck
soundtrack for some time now,
perhaps due to her fond
memories of performing a
cheerleading routine to its
suspense-inducing strains
almost 10 years ago, in a
high-level cheerleading
competition (not so
high-level as to appear on
ESPN but high-level,
nonetheless). Polly sadly
recalls that she and her
squad members botched the
entire routine, including a
near-paralysis-inducing fall
from the top of the pyramid
by the girl unfortunate
enough to be the smallest, a
fall which was supposed to be
prevented by "spotter" Polly,
though she was never briefed
on how to "catch" said
cheerleader mid-air, or
otherwise break her fall.
Some training in CPR or other
emergency medical procedures
also might have come in
handy.

A digression, but one that
serves as a rather nice
metaphor for Suck in general,
no?

 
 

Cookies

had to get up at six ayem to
take the trashmo car to the
garage. had a heavy-fat-laden
breakfast at the big boy
across the street while
reading the new york times'
whines about how dull bill
clinton's speeches were. then
i rode the shuttle bus from
the auto shop to work,
careening across the
backroads of ypsilanti while
hearing the driver talk about
how she used to cut off
stupid drivers with her semi
truck, back in the old days
in san francisco. then she
confided to me about the pot
she grew in her backyard,
although she can't smoke any
'cause her employer requires
random drug tests. ever since
i grew a ponytail, i get to
hear all kinds of former
hippies to confess about
their wild times. unspoken
kinship an' all that.

so i get into the office the
earliest i have in weeks
(9:05 am) and spend almost a
whole minute hitting the 'no'
button for every
cookie-laying request your
site makes, all the while
trying to get the NAD to
successfully track the keiji
haino-loren mazza cane cd
before giving up and
replacing the disk with steve
reich's 'four organs'.

freakin' a. why must i suffer
so? can't you tell the
uberlords at 'hotwired' or
'wired' or whichever
subdivision of that media
conglomerate to stop their
attempts at tracking every
slight movement of their
potential demographics while
at the same time
hypocritically preaching from
their editorial pulpits about
the evils of corporate and
government electronic
surveillance in all their
forms?

web cookies blow. make them
stop.

Art Delano
<adelano@frymulti.com>

Nice word-picture you painted
there, Art. Ahhh, an apt
name, too.

Look, let's not go into the
cookies question for the
umpteenth time, let's make
weak excuses instead. You
should know better than to
think we're on speaking terms
with the uberlords at
HotWired or Wired. We just
tromp in every morning and
bark joyfully, then wag our
tails real thankful-like when
they fill our little bowls
with kibbles. Sure, we
wouldn't mind chomping down
on a fat hand that strays too
close to our snapping jaws,
but in general, we can't do
much but more than romp in
our dirt yard and bug the
shit out of the neighbors by
barking up the wrong tree.

 
 

Dream Jobs

Please look at today's
selection for Dream Jobs
in
Hotwired.

A web internship that offers
no money and no guarantee of
a job at the end of six
months.

Your ridicule would be greatly
appreciated on this topic.

Henry Higgins

You'll regret those words.

Henry, intern means slave.
We're not saying it's right,
but a few of us have done
this thing they call
"interning," financed by Visa
and Mastercard, and, sadly,
it's one of the only ways to
break into most highly
desirable fields. Unless the
interviewer finds you highly
desirable.

Is it called "Dream
Internships"? No, but maybe
it should be. Is this
internship crap totally
abusive bullshit? Of course.
But then, in the working
world, what isn't?

It's time to wake up and smell
the sweaty, overworked
dwarfs, Dorothy. We don't
have a guarantee of a job at
the end of six months...
Please, name one company that
does guarantee such a thing
in this industry.

What's that you say? Really?

Do they have any openings?

 
 

Meet the Alcor staff

I hate it when my brain
cracks.

http://www.alcor.
org/staff.html

William Welch, Scientist
<welch@arris.com >

Never ones to turn down the
opportunity to make a crack
reference, we followed the
link you suggested, Will.
Imagine our disappointment
when the pipes involved
turned out to be pod-sized,
and the dummies were
contained therein, rather
than sucking on.

Ann O'Tate, Smartass

 
 

So that "Other Works by" link
is paying off...

So, off of the greeting card
bit
and advertising, I was
thinking the other night as I
watched a "letterboxed" movie
(original 35mm aspect ratio
2.35:1; black bars at the top
and bottom of the screen)
that that black space will
probably be filled with
corporate logos or even
sprawling ads. Of course most
film is transferred to fit
the TV aspect ratio, but it
gets chopped in the process.

I could see the industry execs
going "Mmm, we can give 'em
the better letterboxed
pictures (i.e. value) and
conveniently fill the ugly
black space with nothing else
but ADS!" The networks all
put their little shit-ass
logos in the corner
already.It's only a matter of
bringing it to someone's
attention before the logos
will be flashing as The Wild
Bunch
rolls before your eyes
in its anamorphic glory. Then
suddenly a logo pops right
after the gun slinging: Smith
& Wesson, yeehah!

"A.Recchia"
<ARecchia@veinc.com>

St. Huck responds:

Advertising in that wasted
letterbox space is the best
idea I've heard since I read
about a company that was
putting food-dye messages on
hot dogs. As the movies that
tend to get letterboxed are
generally the arty, boring
ones (Wild Bunch
notwithstanding), I eagerly
await your idea's
implementation - the
advertising will undoubtedly
raise the interest level.

Regards,

Huck

 
 

Dear Suck,

I've recently been corrupted
into the ways of the "dummy
pipe", and I must admit it is
pretty fun. However, I'm
worried about some of the bad
effects smoking can produce,
like delayed reflexes, a
dopish intellect, and other
aesthetically unpleasing
stoner/hippy personality
traits. The reason I'm asking
you clever Sucksters is that
you obviously are on some
kind of dope trip, what with
all the obscure drug
references and crack
propaganda. Yet, your writing
remains articulate,
well-written (although
ultimately pointless), and
obviously it requires no
little power of concentration
to run Suck. So, tell me, is
it worth it? Help me out! One
hit and I'm already
addicted!!

Landon Bradley
<bradle01@Camosun.BC.CA>

P.S. Stop picking on supposed
tyrants like Time Warner, go
for some truly evil and
insane corporations like
McDonald's, the American
Medical Association and the
American Beef/Cattle
whatever. They have abused
the public through media much
more than Bugs Bunny ever
could.

Hasn't television taught you
anything, Landon? Don't do as
we say, do as we do... which
is to say, don't do much.
What appears to be
"articulate, well-written"
content is actually the
result of advances in
"object-oriented journalism,"
a new programming methodology
that allows for the rapid
manipulation of pseudo-news
items, off-the-shelf
opinions, and standard jokes
into what resembles original
commentary. It's saved our
crack-addled ass many a time.

And thanks for the tip re:
"truly evil and insane
corporations." While we'll
hold off on the Mickey D's
muckraking (nothing satisfies
after a three-day rock binge
like a Quarter Pounder),
we'll get right on the AMA...
it's our understanding they
oppose the recent California
proposition legalizing
medicinal marijuana. Not that
any of the loonies here on
the Left Coast would let a
silly thing like medical
standards get between them
and their weed. Considering
the number of food fascists
and vehement vegetarians out
here, it's actually
McDonald's that's more in
trouble than Prop 215. If
only we could get the
"American Beef/Cattle
whatever" behind a "medicinal
use of beef" proposition.

 
 

Fabulous Shit

Loved the piece. But, isn't
"Everybody Poops" an R.E.M.
ballad?

Lance
<increasing.drop.in.
temperature@glassdog.com>

 

Close, Lance, very close.
"Everybody Poops" actually
began as a youth-oriented
disquisition on what truckers
like to call "laying cable."
With its breakaway success,
the "Everybody Poops" brand
was deemed suitable for
leverage into the medium of
sound, and R.E.M. was the
obvious choice to implement
it. Soon thereafter, a video
was filmed, and the clip
received heavy rotation on
MTV - a channel which, not
coincidentally, is available
on cable. Which explains
the confusion.