for 15 January 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Green Machine

Very interesting and amusing -
but a lot of what you say can
be applied to any kind of,
shall we say, "entertainment
chain." They thrive on
mediocrity of every sort.
Take Blockbuster or any of
the CD chains - no one there
has any real knowledge of the
product, and at $4.25 an hour
why should they? Ask one of
those Blockbuster goons for
Mishima, and they'll direct
you to the Kung Fu section.
Ask for Sunday Bloody Sunday
and you'll be directed to the
Horror section. Or The Dead,
which is usually filed under
spooky. Go to Sam Goody's and
ask for Otis Redding and some
17-year-old moron will say
"Is he a new guy or an old

Rodney Welch


But what would an
entertainment chain be
without a value chain? If
mediocrity is the principle
passion of the middling
masses, then that makes it a
valuable thing, indeed. And
being massively middling
ourselves, we just sit back
and take it over and over
again, preferably with one of
those nifty microwave buckets
o' popcorn and a pack of


The Fish

After a week of reading the
new fiSh coLumn, I think I
finAlly geT it: you kEep
toSsing new Letters ATop thE
old Stuff, Like A composT
hEap... Seems Like A Trend
Emerging. What'S next -
abandon your repeatedLy
delAyed plans for charging
subscripTion fEes?

greg allen


Yup, you've mastered our
unique letters logic. A team
of experts are en route from
Redmond at this very moment
to help us accomplish the
same with yours.


Suck 3.0

Wait a minute! What's this
mealymouth in today's Fish
about needing the
bottom-feeding horizontal ad
pane because of the kind of
ads you need to put up?

In all the days, before and
after the change in format,
that I have looked at Suck, I
have yet to see an ad that
wasn't SQUARE.

In case you were asleep in
high school geometry class (I
was, too, but somehow this
came through subliminally
when all the Pythagorean
proofs turned to vapor),
horizontal vs. vertical is
all the same to a square.

E.J. Barnes


Like we said - and this
applies not only to EJ but
each and every other square
fetishist out there - enjoy
those blocks while they last.
234 by 60, that's our ticket
out of this taco stand!


I noticed the cookie set on
the page opener and I accept
it every time. But I think to
myself, why don't you just
fucking ask me what you want
to know? I dig my suck, I
don't even consider it a
waste of time - and it's
FREE. So you bet your sweet
ass I would take 30 seconds
to fill out a survey of info
for you to help attract
advertisers to keep you in
business. Throw a survey up
there, tell people why it's
there and I bet you will be
surprised at how many
suckster fans are willing to
help out.

Brian R. Knapp


Such candor! It's
inspirational, really. We're
almost sorry to have to
disappoint you, but we really
know a bit too much about
Suck's readership already.
Having tired of clocking
stats, we've turned over the
daily reporting of traffic,
domains, hourly breakdowns,
popular referrers, the whole
enchilada to the Dilberts at
HotWired. Who promptly
installed the latest version
of Apache, which defaults to
cookies aplenty. Which we're
pretty sure are being used to
do pretty much the same thing -
track traffic patterns.
Patterns. As in, not
individual users. If this
still bugs anyone, well,
PGPCookie.cutter should be
available any day now, for
only $19.95...


Thinking Outside the Mailbox


An impressive list, but you
neglected to mention The
Witty News Analysis Email.
Every second person with an
email account is a Bill Maher
manqué (if that term
is not a tautology), leaping
at the chance to make an
Uproarious Gloss on the Wacky
News of the Day. The Analysis
Email might be a deliciously
kooky theory about TWA 800 or
a zanily fictitious
development in one of the OJ
cases, but it's always a big
steaming pile of comedy, a
veritable swirly of mirth.

Don't know about you, but I've
already counted about 20
different emails written in
(or offering translation
programs for) Ebonics. This
trend offers stunning proof
of two points:

1) Emailers can spin endless
non-variations on a theme.

2) Whitey will
enthusiastically seize any
possible excuse to employ a
Stepin Fetchit voice.

Yr. Pal,

Tim Cavanaugh

You're quite right about the
propensity to spin endless
non-variations on a theme...
Ironically enough [ugh -
, this week's Filler
dabbles in this
theme in a shameless
pandering for cheap laughs.
Nothing new there.

Although we prefer to refer to
Ebonics as "jive-ology,"
since we're all butt-white
here, we have to
enthusiastically agree that
Caucasians do seem hell-bent
on speaking jive as much as
humanly possible, and also
rather enjoy referring to
other white people as
lily-white, as if our love of
Dr. Dre saves us from being
tagged as 100 percent,
full-on cracker white. We're
just so damn square that
we'll take a small slice of
some of that funky stuff
every chance we get. For more
big laughs, see The New York
Times' piece on gangsta
slang, including such
classics as "keepin' it real"
with the example ("He shaved
his head to show he was
keepin' it real.") lifted
straight from Whitey classic

White people are such losers.


Suck 3.0


When Suck 2.0 came out, I
wrote in and said that it was
"an abortion"... and also
said that "maybe over the
next few weeks I'll grow into
someone who likes it."

Well, I soon became even MORE
annoyed, because I did grow
to like Suck 2.0... you
bastards had stolen the gift
of bitterness from me.

Now you present Suck 3.0...
and I find that I like it,
right off the bat. What does
this mean? Will karmic
balance be restored by my
soon growing to loath it? One
can only hope... err... or

In the spirit of making Suck
into an abortion again, you
might try giving the readers
exactly what they want (hey,
it works for democratic

On that note, suggestions for
your to-do list:

1) Keep up the crack
references. My friends and I
would have even less to
discuss without inane
third-hand references to a
drug our white-bread
middle-class asses have never
seen, let alone used.

2) Continue to mock those
posers who feel compelled to
tell you in letters that
they've been reading Suck
since the early days. Their
desperate attempt at getting
a bit of indie cred is really
annoying to those of us
who've been reading Suck
since the first week or
so.... not that THIS is an
attempt at cred-grabbing, you

3) More columns that give a
taxonomy of stupid behavior
that we all engage in. Your
"kinds of crushes" and more
recent "thinking outside the
mailbox" missives were dead
on target. I look forward to
reading "different kinds of
manager weenies," "different
political rants enountered at
the lunch table," "different
crack-smoking affectations,"
"different lame puns using
the word 'suck,'" etc.

I have more suggestions, but I
find that they're all of as
poor quality as those that
I've already written, so I'll
spare you further pain.
Kevorkian-eqsuely yours,

Travis J.I. Corcoran


Okay, there's definitely an
irresistibly ironic [Stop it
with that word! - ed.]
going on here, something
about illogical
one-upmanship. Whitey thinks
he's better than Whitey
because he pretends he smokes
crack and Whitey doesn't.

And then there's this
indie-cred thing. People who
mention that they were
reading Suck since the early
days sicken those who've been
reading Suck since Day One?
Sounds like the old "I was
listening to The Police way
before anyone else was!"
Yeah, sure, a lot of people
were listening to The Police
long before the pre-teens
discovered them.

We understand you were being
ironic [Ouch! Ouch! - ed.]
about these things yourself,
but isn't it all so mundane,
so repetitive, so incredibly
pathetic? How's that for a
taxonomy of stupid behavior?
[Make sure we get that Prozac
prescription renewed, pronto.



Pleeze pleeze pleeeeeeze put
the ad links back on the

End the pain.

End the suffering.

Remember when you were (are)
young and you said to
yourself "I just want to have
an effect on the world some
day... hopefully a positive
one." Well now's your change.
Go! Do It! Now!

Matt <>


So you say you hate Suck's new
ads? Wondering how
out-of-touch we'd have to be
to plop a extra-wide diaper
on our long-legged layout?
Well, we can't make you like
it, and, worse, we can't make
ourselves like it, but it
bears mentioning that our
inscrutable designs were not
generated ex nihilo - there's
a method to our sadness.

The keyword is IAB. It stands
for Internet Advertising
Bureau, and it represents an
ad hoc committee of
advertising professionals
who've cooperated to create
what purport to be
"guidelines" but actually
function as de facto
standards for the shapes and
sizes of web ad banners.
Glide through a few dozen
sites on the web right now,
and you're likely to find
hundreds of variations on
size specs - they may all
look vaguely alike, but they
tend to be based on arbitrary
sizes set by the sites'

This makes for a major ass-end
pain for advertisers, who end
up having to custom-create
ads for every site they
contract with. The IAB
standards, which are quickly
being adopted by every
survival-minded ad-supported
website, unclutter the
drawing board. Nailing us
right where it counts, most
of the proposed sizes are
horizontally oriented,
leaving us with no option but
to cut into our holy writs.
Yup - you've noticed the same
scheme on other sites, and
we're here to tell you that
crack-pipe-huffing designers
are not the source of the
web's woes; they're simply
the messengers.

So, the bad news is that ads
in a side-frame can't happen,
at least not without severely
compromising Suck's spanking
new Jetsons-on-Ritalin
design. The good news is that
the bottom-frame ads will
soon be halved, reduced to 60
innocuous pixels, a twitching
paean to our newfound
knee-padded conformity. Real


Hi there.

I'm at work wasting time so I
downloaded the PointCast
thing. I was "pushed" an
article from HotWired that
informed me that I was on the
forefront of "push"
technology (implying, i
guess, that that's the only
way they're going to get you
to look at their web pages is
to "push" it in your face)...
anyway, whilst reading this
stuff I came across the
biggest load of shit I've yet
seen on the net, and I was
wondering if you folks had
already devoted energy to
pointing that out, and, if
not, to politely request that
you do.

The tepid pile o' poop was
courtesy John Katz writing on
"Netizen" (yuck) and going
just on and on and on about
some fantasy enlightenment
happening "online,"
immodestly comparing himself
and the online world of
alienated, maladjusted,
translucent skinned geeks
(myself included) favorably
to the likes of the founders
of western civilization,
quoting Kant firchrissakes. I
saw something in the SF Bay
about the
questionable "Libertarian"
politics of HotWired and this
just pretty much confirms all
of the accusations they were
throwing at them.

Here's a particularly smelly

"And more than any other
political notion, we embrace
the freedom of moral men and
women to take responsibility
for their own lives, live
them freely, and make their
own way in the world."

Freedom to make your own way
in the world??? Isn't it nice
to be able to make up your
own community (the net) that
lets you not have to deal
with the one that gives you
problems? Anyway...

So, I guess it's an easy
target if I've managed to
bring up this much bile, but
you're so much better at it
than I am. And you get paid
to do it (I hope).

Please let me know if it gets
your goat like it got mine.




We don't have a goat, Jamie,
but if we did we gladly
bequeath it to Katz for his
unwavering commitment to the
daily satire of
technopolitical satire. And,
no, we don't think it's
satire, we know it's satire -
just like the rest of the

As for push, well, remember
Diamond Dave's old chestnut,
"Stick your head above the
crowd and someone will throw
a rock at it?" It would seem
this is the core of
interactive media strategy
for 1997, except it's your
head that's getting brained.



I salivate over your data
stream, and become more and
more flattered as I meet
people who just "don't get" Your site reflects
pop culture in a way I
understand, by exposing: the
Godzillas of hypocrisy, the
meaningless truths and the
complete neglect of basic
logic that is oxymoronically
known to us as common sense.

You beat me to it (the essence
of, and for what
it's worth I nominate you for
Time's "Data Stream of the

Will Anderson


Ahh, what do you know?


Dear Duke,

Thanks for the plug. Nothing
says apple pie like the
wholesale sacrifice of
everything you hold dear to
the Almighty Dollar. And if
you liked my last nod to the
supremacy of sponsorship,
you'll love the next one. For
my next trick, I plan to
delve into a marriage of
mediums few have ever
considered. This electronic
web silliness will be one of
them. The other... well,
let's just say don't be
surprised if you see an
animated blimp buzz across
your screen in the near
future. Here's to Goodyear,
the future of the internet!

Rock on,

Mark Banker
Onion Admaster

"At least you've got a fresh
pair of trousers..."


A pleasure to be of service,
and here's hoping your
blue-sky apple pie
prostration ends with a
cobranding deal on the
AltaVista blimp. Remember,
the hot air always rises.




Carl Steadman


Sean Welch