for 13 January 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 


Joey Anuff
Producer

 


Terry Colon
Art Director

 


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor

 


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Seriously...

Pleeze pleeze pleeeeeeze put
the ad links back on the
side.

End the pain.

End the suffering.

Remember when you were (are)
young and you said to
yourself "I just want to have
an effect on the world some
day... hopefully a positive
one." Well now's your change.
Go! Do It! Now!

Matt <matt.calkins@attws.com>

 

So you say you hate Suck's new
ads? Wondering how
out-of-touch we'd have to be
to plop a extra-wide diaper
on our long-legged layout?
Well, we can't make you like
it, and, worse, we can't make
ourselves like it, but it
bears mentioning that our
inscrutable designs were not
generated ex nihilo - there's
a method to our sadness.

The keyword is IAB. It stands
for Internet Advertising
Bureau, and it represents an
ad hoc committee of
advertising professionals
who've cooperated to create
what purport to be
"guidelines" but actually
function as de facto
standards for the shapes and
sizes of web ad banners.
Glide through a few dozen
sites on the web right now,
and you're likely to find
hundreds of variations on
size specs - they may all
look vaguely alike, but they
tend to be based on arbitrary
sizes set by the sites'
producers.

This makes for a major ass-end
pain for advertisers, who end
up having to custom-create
ads for every site they
contract with. The IAB
standards, which are quickly
being adopted by every
survival-minded ad-supported
website, unclutter the
drawing board. Nailing us
right where it counts, most
of the proposed sizes are
horizontally oriented,
leaving us with no option but
to cut into our holy writs.
Yup - you've noticed the same
scheme on other sites, and
we're here to tell you that
crack-pipe-huffing designers
are not the source of the
web's woes; they're simply
the messengers.

So, the bad news is that ads
in a side-frame can't happen,
at least not without severely
compromising Suck's spanking
new Jetsons-on-Ritalin
design. The good news is that
the bottom-frame ads will
soon be halved, reduced to 60
innocuous pixels, a twitching
paean to our newfound
knee-padded conformity. Real
soon.

 
 

Hi there.

I'm at work wasting time so I
downloaded the PointCast
thing. I was "pushed" an
article from HotWired that
informed me that I was on the
forefront of "push"
technology (implying, i
guess, that that's the only
way they're going to get you
to look at their web pages is
to "push" it in your face)...
anyway, whilst reading this
stuff I came across the
biggest load of shit I've yet
seen on the net, and I was
wondering if you folks had
already devoted energy to
pointing that out, and, if
not, to politely request that
you do.

The tepid pile o' poop was
courtesy John Katz writing on
"Netizen" (yuck) and going
just on and on and on about
some fantasy enlightenment
happening "online,"
immodestly comparing himself
and the online world of
alienated, maladjusted,
translucent skinned geeks
(myself included) favorably
to the likes of the founders
of western civilization,
quoting Kant firchrissakes. I
saw something in the SF Bay
Guardian
about the
questionable "Libertarian"
politics of HotWired and this
just pretty much confirms all
of the accusations they were
throwing at them.

Here's a particularly smelly
bit:

"And more than any other
political notion, we embrace
the freedom of moral men and
women to take responsibility
for their own lives, live
them freely, and make their
own way in the world."

Freedom to make your own way
in the world??? Isn't it nice
to be able to make up your
own community (the net) that
lets you not have to deal
with the one that gives you
problems? Anyway...

So, I guess it's an easy
target if I've managed to
bring up this much bile, but
you're so much better at it
than I am. And you get paid
to do it (I hope).

Please let me know if it gets
your goat like it got mine.

xo,

Jamie

 

We don't have a goat, Jamie,
but if we did we gladly
bequeath it to Katz for his
unwavering commitment to the
daily satire of
technopolitical satire. And,
no, we don't think it's
satire, we know it's satire -
just like the rest of the
web.

As for push, well, remember
Diamond Dave's old chestnut,
"Stick your head above the
crowd and someone will throw
a rock at it?" It would seem
this is the core of
interactive media strategy
for 1997, except it's your
head that's getting brained.

 
 

Duke,

I salivate over your data
stream, and become more and
more flattered as I meet
people who just "don't get"
suck.com. Your site reflects
pop culture in a way I
understand, by exposing: the
Godzillas of hypocrisy, the
meaningless truths and the
complete neglect of basic
logic that is oxymoronically
known to us as common sense.

You beat me to it (the essence
of suck.com), and for what
it's worth I nominate you for
Time's "Data Stream of the
Year".

Will Anderson
<ArchStanton@msn.com>

 

Ahh, what do you know?

 
 

Dear Duke,

Thanks for the plug. Nothing
says apple pie like the
wholesale sacrifice of
everything you hold dear to
the Almighty Dollar. And if
you liked my last nod to the
supremacy of sponsorship,
you'll love the next one. For
my next trick, I plan to
delve into a marriage of
mediums few have ever
considered. This electronic
web silliness will be one of
them. The other... well,
let's just say don't be
surprised if you see an
animated blimp buzz across
your screen in the near
future. Here's to Goodyear,
the future of the internet!

Rock on,

Mark Banker
Onion Admaster

"At least you've got a fresh
pair of trousers..."

 

A pleasure to be of service,
and here's hoping your
blue-sky apple pie
prostration ends with a
cobranding deal on the
AltaVista blimp. Remember,
the hot air always rises.

 
 

It seems as if more than one
member of your staff is what
one might call a would-be
novelist. Indeed, the book's
up there, in the brain, just
waiting for a paid vacation
to come spilling out on the
page in one, drug-inspired
vomit (a la Jack Kerouac's On
the Road
).

Well, I work for a second-rate
publishing house as a copy
editor/proofreader. I read,
all day, every day, books
about cats and dogs and
redneck baby names and
garbage far, far worse than
any whiny faux-intellectual
like myself should ever be
forced to devour.

So, I say this to all of those
people, including the author
of Wednesday's Suck article,
who have the book stored in
their head somewhere above
their overactive
hypothalamus, to write the
damn thing. It can't be much
worse than what we see in the
corner mega-chain bookstore.

Anonymous

 

You'd be surprised.

Actually, Polly is currently
working on a book of dog
names for upper-middle-class
white babies ("Taylor" isn't
nearly as colorful as "Rover"
or "Butch," is it, now?) But
she can't finish the book
proposal until she gets that
bacon-scented air freshener
patented.

Oops.

 
 

Suck 3.0

 

What the hell happened to your
letters page? It's suddenly
bland, conciliatory,
even-keeled... nice. Where's
the dummy pipe? Where's the
whoop-ass? Where's the
bitterness and sarcasm, the
bite-the-hand-that-feeds-you
stance towards your readers?

Please don't say you've
changed.

Jake Donham

 

We put away the dummy pipe for
a few days, in the guise of
"quitting." The whoop-ass is
going strong, though, thanks
to rising tensions in the
absence of that peaceful,
numbing cloud of dummy joy.

But when it comes to
complaints and concerns about
our redesign, we have to be
kinda nice, since the only
people who write are a)
longtime readers and b)
people who for some strange
reason give a shit. Everyone
else will be chided as
needed.

Including you. Stupidhead.

 
 

Hit and Run

 

Hey - I hope this makes it to
the page. That would be way
cool - eh?

Anyhow, about your slam on
Salon1999 - jealous are we?
How would you have reacted if
Time was myopic enough to
name this site as its winner?

Dewan <@ohsu.edu@ohsu.EDU>

 

We would have simultaneously
vomited and declared the site
an utter failure. Then, we'd
clean up the vomit. Then we'd
make copies of the article
for the ad guys, plus one for
Mommy.

 
 

Whatever happened to the
snarky comments of "Vacuum"?
Now that things are Fishy in
the letters column, things
are fishy in the letters
column! It's boring! Not even
remotely amusing. Look - you
missed a perfectly good
chance to Slate-bash this
morning... and yesterday's
comment about using Windows
3.1 in a 640x480 screen was
just begging to be sucked. Or
are you too afraid that Billy
G. won't advertise on suck
anymore?

P.S. A sucker since the
no-frames, no-ads 1.0 days...
And they plan to let me out
of the asylum soon!

Jurgen Schaub
<jurgen@set.gov.bc.ca>

 

Well, naturally the only
people truly committed to
Suck since the early days
have been committed. Do they
change your nappies daily, or
is that uncomfortable wetness
the cause of this misguided
rant against a column that
was born a mere two days ago?
Excuse us if we haven't
caught our pace straight out
of the Gates... uh... Oh, to
hell with it. You all know by
now that we're Bill's
personal piss boys, why try
to hide it?

That last "too afraid" comment
flashed us back to the
schoolyard... The dim-witted
kids had this taunt... how
did it go? "What - are you
chicken or something?
Chicken!! Bock! Bock!
Chicken!" It's clear you
underestimate the bravery of
corporate whores.

But thanks for the memories.
Rest assured that we'll
continue to abuse as we see
fit.

 
 

In the many months that I have
been reading you guys, this
is the first time it came to
be Noon (EST) of the Next Day
and I didn't see a new Suck
for today. Did the office
blow up, are you having a
power outage, or did you guys
just oversleep?

For months, I have been
impressed at how I could log
in any weekday and the new
Suck would always be there.
This impressed me because I
know you guys are on the left
coast, and I'm 3 hours ahead
of you. I could only conclude
that you did the work
(writing, research on links,
illos, and HTML) the day
before (if not earlier), and
had some piss bot link the
new page to www.suck.com
sometime in the wee hours
PST, before any of us Yankees
had gotten up to milk the
chickens.

Today I came to work with
bated breath. The first day
of Filler under the New
Format! Out-of-context
quotes, snobby quizzes, and
silly two-parameter charts
from Polly! Goofy cartoon
strips from Terry! That
lovable, madcap Smoking Gun
saying "What the fuck is this
shit?"

Instead, it's me saying "What
the fuck is this shit?" The
late Uncle Carl was one of my
childhood heroes, but why is
he on the main Suck page a
second day? And, gee, it says
it was updated 7 January
1997.

Has all your hardware been
stolen? Are you shut into
your homes due to flooding,
and unable to log in
remotely? Did you all wake up
with crippling RSI? Does your
bot have bots? Did the Big
One finally send everything
west of the San Andreas into
the sea? Could it be that
your puppetmasters at Wired
have finally cut the strings,
and all of you are lying limp
and crumpled on the floor?

No Suck! You can hear the
fabric of the Universe
rending. Hell, I may have to
work today!

Give me this day my daily
Suck!

(Gee - I hope you guys are all right.)

EJBarnes <barbix@tiac.net>

 

It's funny that you should
mention milking the chickens.

We're absolutely fine. There
were some technical problems,
nothing to worry your sweet
little head about. Some
swearing, a few broken
bones... just post-holiday
stress coming to the surface.
We have a counselor coming in
later today to help us
workshop any residual
feelings of inadequacy or
hair-trigger murderous rage,
so don't think twice about
it.

Thanks for caring enough to
ask. (Sniff.)

 
 

 
 

 


Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 


Sean Welch
Suckgineer