for 7 January 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


T. Jay Fowler
Production Editor


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

Suck 3.0


Some comments on the "new,
improved" Suck:

Moving the ads to the bottom,
instead of the side, was a
bad move. Because you use a
narrow column, the side space
that you used to use for them
was otherwise wasted screen
real estate, so they were
harmless there. In their new
location, they take away
valuable reading area. Try it
on a Windows system at
640x480. Miserable, no?

You've made nice use of Terry
Colon's graphics in the new
version. Good move; they're
one of the better things
about Suck.

Pitch was getting tired,
anyway. The first few were
good, but you seemed to be
running out of ideas. Time to
"pitch" it.

The new feature of "other
articles by" the author of
the one you're reading is

The Random Filler Generator (I
got "Error processing this
directive") and Random Hit
and Run Generator
(got a
screen with graphics and
stuff, but no Hit and Run
items) don't seem to work
yet. [Fixed -Ed.]


Mark J. Dulcey <>


I'm not really suprised at the
reduction in content of your
site. It was taking too long
to read each day, anyways.
Hopefully you can now focus
on quality Suck, rather than
quantity Suck.

I am going to bitch about the
ad banner, however. It's in
the way!

I suppose I'm a stodgy
conservative when it comes to
HTML, but I like my ad
banners flush left, where
they don't get in the way of
my reading.

And where do you get off
calling my Suck membership
card "inane"? It's adhered
with pride on the side of my

David Sparks



Filler is broken. And I tried
to click on your ad links to
make it appear that I give a
rat's ass, but the URL
redirector is broken as well.
Heartache! Dismay! Suckage!

Arlie Davis


To those with concerns
concerning the new Suck: We,
too, are concerned with the
problems and errors and are
currently concerning
ourselves with fixing them.

As for format criticisms,
suffice it to say that we're
indignantly keeping an open
ear. It's nice to know you
care enough to gripe, and, as
always, nothing is set in
stone, so stay tuned and
hopefully someday Suck will
please all of the people all
of the time. Until then, know
that we are listening - with
a child's mixture of
gratitude and resentment. But
like any clever brat, we'll
figure our shit out



Speed Reading Between the
by St. Huck

A couple of cross references,
if I could only remember
them. Oh well.

Recent novel called Feersum
(ie, Fearsome Engine,
spelled phonetically); big
chunks are written in a
unique phonetic spelling that
cannot be speed read, forcing
you to read it slowly.

Short story, long time ago, by
god knows who; Vonnegut? Ted
Sturgeon? A famous writer,
massively pissed off by speed
readers who took 3 minutes to
read something he'd labored
over for months, uttered his
"famous complaint": Fuck
them. I write slow. He then
procedes to respace all his
writing (ie, he pr oce des
tores paceal lhisw rit ing)
absolutely forcing the reader
to slow down enough to
actually think about what is
being read.

In fairness, 90% of what is
being published today should
be read at 1500 words per
second, since it has the
information density of
television. But was ever

The new format is every bit as
intelligible as the old



It's true that if we all
remembered to speed-read People and
Vanity Fair, we'd have more
time to savor Really Good
Writing. Instead, we end up
reading the latest Mona
Simpson novel and the back of
a Fruit Roll-Ups box with
about the same intensity. But
then, we're not exactly known
for our discriminating
tastes, are we?



You've got questions, we've
got excuses.


What happened to Suck?

Well, we decided to shift
back to the simplicity and
grace of the one-page format.
Back to the basics. Back to
our roots. Classic Suck, if
you will. Lots of things are
still the same - Filler on
Wednesdays, Hit and Runs on

Hit and Runs? What does that

Forget it. All we're saying
is that we've changed, but so
many things are still the
same... the attitude, the
essays, the staff...

Are you people on crack?

And, yes, the drugs.

So where are the weekly

The weekly sections have
either been repositioned,
repurposed, or rejected.
Vacuum, Filler, and
net.moguls are still with us,
"The Pitch" and Zero Baud are
with us in spirit.

Vacuum (letters to Suck):
Updated daily on the Fish
page (that's where you are
now), along with information
about us and other
self-indulgent trash.

"The Pitch": Appears on the
main page sporadically, only
when a truly worthy Pitch
falls into our hands.

Filler: Updated every
Wednesday, as per usual,
except now it's the main Suck

Zero Baud: Essays on
non-web-related topics are
welcome on the main Suck page
now, so the Zero Baud
distinction is no more.

net.moguls: Updated every
Friday, except now it's on
its own site,
You can get there from any
number of places on the main
page or this one.

Uh, that sounds more
complicated than it was

No, it's less complicated.
Why would we make changes
just to make things more
complicated? Just bear with
us, you'll get the hang of

Why all these confounded

We were bored. Actually, we
changed our minds about
having "sections" - so we
razed the Suck ghettos and
and moved some of our friends
to the front, and took a few
others out back and shot
them. You know, fascism. They
said it was a revolution,

Does this have to do with the
failure of the Wired IPO?

No. No, of course not. No,
really, no. We're
streamlining things a little,
okay? Who wants to wade
through volumes of crap every
single day? The point here is
to make sure we put out one
page of great stuff every
day, as opposed to two pages
of crap. Can you dig it?

No. I don't believe you.

We wouldn't believe us
either. Good job! You're

I want the old Suck!

If you ran Suck, what would
you do? Keep it the same
forever and run through the
same old tired formulas, over
and over and over again,
until you saw the whole thing
die a slow death like some
Saturday Night Live Church
Lady skit?

Yes. That's exactly what I'd

Well, we wish we were like
you: easily amused.

What about all those damn ads
all over the place?

Those ads pay our salaries,
Dorothy, and without them, we
couldn't do this for a
living. We like the ads, the
ads are our friends. We try
to keep them from intruding
into our lives too much, but
we care about our friends the
ads, okay? Why don't you
click on one right now, just
to say hello and show you

I'm overwhelmed. I still don't
understand all this.

We'll review it with you
again, then:

Monday: Suck essay (as usual!)

Tuesday: Suck essay (as

Wednesday: Filler (Cartoons
and stuff!)

Thursday: Hit and Run (as
usual! Though you may still
not quite understand what
that means.)

Friday: Suck essay (as
usual!), Net.moguls updated
(as usual!)

Every day: New reader mail on
the Fish page

Every now and then: The Pitch
on the main page, along with
any other strange illustrated
ideas we dream up while
sleeping, smoking, bowling...

Do you get it now?

Give me a second.

Then you're probably not
ready for me to get into the
intricacies of the Filler
and the Random Hit
and Run Generator

What are Hit and Runs again?

Forget it.



Carl Steadman


Sean Welch