The Fish
for 25 May 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
[Suck Staff]
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff
Publisher

 
 
 
 
[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Slowdown.com

admittedly i only write to you when i'm high and stayed up all night and with the same first word in the first sentence as the novel "the tin drum" but uhhh you should put the movie "freddie got fingered" on the shitlist because it's such a funny movie. i dunno, because i often read suck.com in lynx what is on the shit.list but i know you often recommend some pretty good movies (e.g. blade, bamboozled) and i even take it seriously so but i think it would be quite an oversight to not take a stand and point out to me, yourselves, and all the viewers in suckland that this is a fucking funny movie. it's kind of GROSS but so was blade and it's kind of like, low-brow, but so is "suck.com" so unless you're really really heavily little lord fauntleroy to the maxx you should at LEAST go see a movie which is THAT KICK ASS and probably put it on the shitlist without fear of repurcussions. snirrap? snessooo.

in other news of the weird, you know that show uhh "newsradio" the red headed receptionist got like her own pilot for a really bad sitcom about three loving new-age sisters or something and it's like REALLY fucked up but at the same time somehow i felt like the character on that show was biting polly esther. i'm not going to offer my opinion on whether that is stupid or not.

but yeah weird i just got like those lightening flashes in my head and now i'm paranoid. and now my heads all like zzzzzzzuh. truth truth truth.

i don't like you people one little bit. but ummm so i was walking out of the theatre of freddie got fingered and i was like in the movie before that and i was afraid i would get KICKED OUT because i was laughing and making such weird noises during the movie (which admittedly i went to on drugs but i don't think that is at all relevant but isn't saying i don't think something is relevant impossible without making what you said impossible) and then when i got out of the movie these teenage girls MADE FUN OF MY HAIR CUT because they thought i looked like one of the beegies, like, holy shit, that was pretty clever, that they'd make fun of someone insightfuly like that, but then i realized that it wasn't so mucht hat they were making fun of me as it was that maybe i was sort of READING THEIR MINDS so the way a situation like that plays out is.... entirely new territory.... anyhow.... i saw these two guys who looked like (potential) suck.com readers (!) (with dispensible income) (and thoughtfullness) coming out of the movie with me and one of them just said "yeah... what can you say about a movie like that." and they like laughed about it. kind of like when you were a kid and you'd come out of a funny movie and say to the other kid what the funny part was and laugh about it. DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN. it's like they made a movie which is just purely and benignly funny for your EXACT DEMOGRAPHIC, MAN, and you're not even big upping it on the shitlist.

phew.

Demmy Rooster
<demmy@mikpos.dyndns.org>

Sir,

I knew Demmy Rooster. Demmy Rooster was a friend of mine. Sir, you're no Demmy Rooster.

Whoever you are, you're welcome to join the conversation in any capacity you choose. But doing a grandiloquent parody of one of our longest-writing and most admired correspondents is not the way to make the "scene".

Looking For Mr. Goodrooster,

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

This article is right on the money. Especially that last paragraph. Most of us out here have not been ordering catering and fine furniture with other people's money.

As an independent software consultant, I have been highly successful at bringing the database transaction content of small to medium size businesses to the web. There is plenty of under the radar, oilwell-in-the-back-yard kinda development going on out here that does not involve slinging porno or stocks around to capture credit card numbers.

But just to be fair, I am in the business of creating (for cash) really cool, functional drilling rigs — where my customers drill is up to them.

Best,

David Silberman
Manticore Technologies Corp.
Boulder, CO


<david_silberman@hotmail.com>

Thanks, David.

What a small world! As independent no-ware consultants, we have been highly unsuccessful at bringing the transaction content of small to medium size minds to the web.

Actually, we haven't even been highly unsuccessful.

So long, and thanks for all the drilling!

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Hit & Run 05.17.01

Can we sue Gracenotes for data that we ourselves put in their database? I know for a fact that I entered the info in CDDB for the combined William Shatner/Leonard Nimoy album. I feel I am being Gypped of my royalties. I hate being Gypped.

-Shill Biddingsley
<cameron@slip.net>

Just be grateful Suck doesn't charge you by the word to publish your email, tough guy.

As Nimoy says, "If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mornin'!"

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

-sters,

Your small paean to Mr. Heston in today's Hit and Run triggered a long festering itch inside my head. You guys have done absolutely great tributes to Bob Hope and Jerry Lewis that positioned them squarely in the central trunk of our cultural tree. Mr. Heston deserves such a full treatment. The man gets no respect. Sure, his NRA positions may be questionable, but the man's body of work is so wide and so deep and likewise burned into our collective consciousness, he deserves a serious retrospective. And you guys are the only ones that can give it justice. Who else but Charlton Heston goes from The Ten Commandments to Friends, from film noir to sci-fi, from Cecil B. DeMille to Loren (sp?) Michaels (SNL). The man is beyond hip. Please, work your magic.

Dale W. Way
<dway@neteze.com>

We're second to nobody in our admiration for Heston, and will take your suggestion under advisement. Frankly, though, we'd be more inclined to do an anti-DeNiro article than a pro-Heston article. When was the last time you saw that big phony DeNiro do any real acting? All he does is do that same goofy grin in movie after movie, and get seen in Manhattan restaurants. Bring back Rupert Pupkin already!

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Heston also comes across pretty well in Anna Devere Smith's (not to be confused with the boobacious heiress Anna N. Smith) excellent video Twilight: Los Angeles. Heston claims to have loaned out guns to his terrified Hollywood liberal compatriots during the LA riots, an act of bemused generosity that a honked-off John Milius rebelled at. Branagh's craft in hiring Heston wasn't just in reprising the pipe-organ grandeur of Heston's acting, but also in alluding to the aging seediness of late period Chuck. As the film reminds us, the Player King and his entourage are thespians on the skids, thanks to the popularity of talentless bands of nine-day-wonder kid-actors (the old Hollywood story, even if it is Elizabethean.).

Branagh was right about Jack Lemmon, too, dang it--that was a smart conception to have the old military lifer Marcellus be a 1600s version of that "Gil the Cuckolded Salesman" character that Lemmon made his name and fortune on. The film of Love's Labours Lost is very bad news, but so in its way was Dancer in the Dark, another groping effort to reclaim the Hollywood musical--and no one talks about Lars Von Trier being washed up. Branagh, like Heston, may be down but he's not out.

--Sincerely,

Richard von Busack
<regisgoat@earthlink.net>

Branagh's casting of everybody in Hamlet was better than generally acknowledged. Robin Williams had his best part in many years in that movie, and Brian Blessed's teeth was an inspired choice for the Ghost. Speaking of which, maybe Branagh can figure out a role worthy of Anna Deavere Smith. Isn't it shameful that the only thing Hollywood can figure out to do with this genius is to have her come in and say "Mr. President, the ambassador is here to see you," and then leave?

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 



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 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
1995
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
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