The Fish
for 24 May 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 05.17.01

Can we sue Gracenotes for data that we ourselves put in their database? I know for a fact that I entered the info in CDDB for the combined William Shatner/Leonard Nimoy album. I feel I am being Gypped of my royalties. I hate being Gypped.

-Shill Biddingsley

Just be grateful Suck doesn't charge you by the word to publish your email, tough guy.

As Nimoy says, "If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mornin'!"


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


Your small paean to Mr. Heston in today's Hit and Run triggered a long festering itch inside my head. You guys have done absolutely great tributes to Bob Hope and Jerry Lewis that positioned them squarely in the central trunk of our cultural tree. Mr. Heston deserves such a full treatment. The man gets no respect. Sure, his NRA positions may be questionable, but the man's body of work is so wide and so deep and likewise burned into our collective consciousness, he deserves a serious retrospective. And you guys are the only ones that can give it justice. Who else but Charlton Heston goes from The Ten Commandments to Friends, from film noir to sci-fi, from Cecil B. DeMille to Loren (sp?) Michaels (SNL). The man is beyond hip. Please, work your magic.

Dale W. Way

We're second to nobody in our admiration for Heston, and will take your suggestion under advisement. Frankly, though, we'd be more inclined to do an anti-DeNiro article than a pro-Heston article. When was the last time you saw that big phony DeNiro do any real acting? All he does is do that same goofy grin in movie after movie, and get seen in Manhattan restaurants. Bring back Rupert Pupkin already!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Heston also comes across pretty well in Anna Devere Smith's (not to be confused with the boobacious heiress Anna N. Smith) excellent video Twilight: Los Angeles. Heston claims to have loaned out guns to his terrified Hollywood liberal compatriots during the LA riots, an act of bemused generosity that a honked-off John Milius rebelled at. Branagh's craft in hiring Heston wasn't just in reprising the pipe-organ grandeur of Heston's acting, but also in alluding to the aging seediness of late period Chuck. As the film reminds us, the Player King and his entourage are thespians on the skids, thanks to the popularity of talentless bands of nine-day-wonder kid-actors (the old Hollywood story, even if it is Elizabethean.).

Branagh was right about Jack Lemmon, too, dang it--that was a smart conception to have the old military lifer Marcellus be a 1600s version of that "Gil the Cuckolded Salesman" character that Lemmon made his name and fortune on. The film of Love's Labours Lost is very bad news, but so in its way was Dancer in the Dark, another groping effort to reclaim the Hollywood musical--and no one talks about Lars Von Trier being washed up. Branagh, like Heston, may be down but he's not out.


Richard von Busack

Branagh's casting of everybody in Hamlet was better than generally acknowledged. Robin Williams had his best part in many years in that movie, and Brian Blessed's teeth was an inspired choice for the Ghost. Speaking of which, maybe Branagh can figure out a role worthy of Anna Deavere Smith. Isn't it shameful that the only thing Hollywood can figure out to do with this genius is to have her come in and say "Mr. President, the ambassador is here to see you," and then leave?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 05.16.01

Ok, after today's column you now have my respect again. But then all you have to do nowadays to earn it from me is 1) know your Latinate and/or Greekesque affixes and 2) be able to convincingly reference "moisture gestures" (palms hovering over cheeks in an uplifting-circling motion or delineating the "T Zone".) And it works for ANY idea-free product or service! For example:

Body Shop: It revitalizes, AND it emoxulates. (moisture gesture)

Rolo: It promasculates, AND it enmusculizes. (delineate large testicular sac ; flex biceps)

Derrida/Foucault: It deconstructs, AND it reifies. (ASL for "bullshit" appropriate)

Two Bong Hit: It perseverates*, AND it promulgates*. (dreamy, fluttery inexact "like" hands)

* denotes actual word. See OED.

Do you see what I mean? Why did I not take that job in Miami for a marketing firm, naming new products? And to think you're getting this aesthetapeutic brainfart for free.

P.S. I think "two bong hit" is the punch line to some REALLY funny joke involving the PRC, in case you need to milk this for another week. Don't credit me, sweetcakes, just be a dear and use that someplace, k?

Justa documentin' and testifyin',


Please imagine me making dreamy, fluttery inexact "like" hands while reading your letter — although I think ASL for "wanking" is more appropriate for a Derrida reference, don't you?

Q: Why did the moron throw two bongs out the window?

A: Because he wanted to see two bong hit the ground!

Is that what you had in mind? Or is insulting morons currently frowned upon? (ASL for "bullshit") Or is your T-zone so oily you can't concentrate? (moisture gesture). Hey, same here, man!

Oilier than ever,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Yah, whatever. Shakespeare, Shmakespeare. Polly, my love, are you feeling all right? Is a sabbatical in order? Why not come north and get lost in the Canadian wilds for a summer and recharge your batteries? Hey, the Canadian wilds are good enough for Mike Moriarty, Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, et al. It would be great. But bring bug repellent. And wet-weather gear. And boots. And a shotgun. A big one, at that. No, it would be for the mosquitoes the repellent doesn't work against. Trust me. See you soon.

Will Murray

Will, it's nice to know that you'll murray some day, but who will you murray?

Q: Why did the moron throw Will Murray out the window?

A: Because he wanted to see Will Murray hit the ground.

Goddamn, that's funny!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Your Chinese translation does not match the characters. And for good measure, your "Chinese" includes some Japanese phonetic symbols.


Yes, well, Terry doesn't know Chinese. Short of firing him and hiring an illustrator who also knows Chinese, I'm not sure what to do, since I'm no longer dating someone at etranslate.

Effortlessly offensive,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I noticed in the last couple of months that Filler often points to old Fish (though with-it as I am, I know to just edit the URL to today's date). Today I finally bothered to write you about it (you'll note that today's Fish link points to Monday).

If this is some technical detail that's out of your hands, I do apologize for bothering you, but it definitely happens more to Filler than to Suck in general so I thought I'd start here.

Allen K.

Thanks Allen. I never noticed that and apparently neither has anyone here. Please, someone, anyone, be like Allen and bug me if there's a problem like this in the future. I'm far too busy writing Moron Jokes to take care of all the little details. I'm not very detail-oriented either, as should be plainly obvious.

Q: Why did the moron throw the non-detail-oriented moron out the window?

A: Because he didn't update the link to the Fish page.

Oh, the comedy!

Effortlessly unfunny,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


Thanks for a nice simple funny Filler this week. Even if next week you venture back into the office soap opera and Writer vs. Reader games that were just about to grow tedious, you gave us this one. I could read it in less than five minutes, it didn't refer gratuitously to other episodes (X-file syndrome) and paranoid Communist Chinese officials will always be funny...well, the Chinese will, anyway.

You always know just where it itches,


I do NOT know where it itches! Perv!

Itch it yourself, pervmeister!



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subject: Filler eases the pain

Dear Polly,

Having been recently laid off by an internet start-up, my Wednesdays for the past month have been filled with movies on cable, trips to the beach, and — oh, it's almost cliché now — bong hits. It's been odd having my Wednesdays filled with THINGS instead of being filled with, you know, Filler.

For the past two and a half years, I've read Filler every week. But I've also been a full-time worker, required to be in front of a computer, in a cubicle, for the past two and a half years. I just started a new job, so I'm reading Filler again.

Originally, I wanted to write you and let you know how much I really enjoy reading Filler and how much I've missed it during my month of unemployment. But now I'm feeling like everything I truly enjoy is just a matter of convenience for me, which kinda makes me feel like shit.

At any rate, Filler does take the sting out of the corporate American Wednesday, and I do thank ya for that.


Jay Allen

Oh, I can make the things you enjoy intensely inconvenient for you, Mr. Kilowatt. Yes I can. Like, for example, if you wanted to send me a large check that would make it impossible for you to pay the rent in a timely fashion — that would be inconvenient, wouldn't it? It would hurt. But it would hurt so good, because with the pain would come the realization that you've finally grown up; you're finally willing to work hard for what you enjoy. Think of how satisfying that would be!

You can always go back and read the old Fillers, and when you're older, you may even be able to look back at your life and say "I have no regrets." But will you be able to look back and say, "I enjoyed that moderately amusing writer so much, I wrote her a big fat check!"

Not if you don't write me a big fat check, you won't.

Comfortably dumb,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Dear Polly,

Your page one analysis of the new president was the best I've read. By far. You put your finger on exactly what has been troubling me about the administration, although I had not been able to verbalize it until now. It was not only insightful, but also clever enough to be funny. I took it seriously, but that's just the mood I'm in. I guess I'd call it seriously funny.



Oh, I put my finger on the fact that they're monkeys?

That was easy! I should be on Crossfire or something!

Seriously runny,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
[The Smoking Gun] [Net.Moguls]