The Fish
for 19 April 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 04.12.01

Dear Sucksters,

I'm a big fan of Ron Howard. Possibly because people used to compare me to Opie growing up. And who didn't love Splash? But you're right about his head. (However, you may tell the PTHS class of '74 that Redman still has most of his hair.)

But I was struck by another point you made, which read in part "...damn if it seems like there's nothing out there ˜ no hot spots, no must-sees, no great topics of conversation or controversy." Whenever I read Plastic, that's the dog I can hear not barking, all right. Although I occasionally see evidence of some interesting sites, I can't help noticing how the raw energy and creativity has been tamed, toned down, and vetted by lawyers and corporate types. The cluetrain manifesto turned on its head. Why surf? Suck is the Alamo, Polly is Crockett, Tim is Bowie, and Joey is Travis. Wow, I think I'll fax copies of this idea to Howard and Spielberg.



You've got the wrong analogy, Richard. Polly is indeed Crockett, but Suck is more like Miami Vice. Tim is Tubbs and Joey is Elvis the alligator.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


I've always felt that the Internet is the CB radio of the 90's:  cheap(if you've already got a computer), unregulated, and seemingly boundless.  Do you remember a strain of fiction in the early 80's threating a CB revolution?  It sounds absurd now, much as the "Internet Revolution" will sound in about 5 years.  Oh, well.  It was fun while it lasted.  



Then where's all the cool lingo about smokies over your donkey and a bear and the air. Where's the convoy rockin' through the night? Where are Burt Reynolds and Jackie Gleason, BJ and the Bear? Wrong analogy again, good buddy.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Oof. Low blow, guys. I hate Microsoft as much as the next guy, but the "earth shifting big idea" link you provide isn't to a Microsoft shpeel. It's to an archive of a speech delivered by an MIT Media Lab prof entitled "Towards a Truly Personal Computer." It wasn't even written for Microsoft — it was delivered for a a meeting of the Association of Computing Machinery. Microsoft just archived it.

C'mon, now. Microsoft's an easy target, and you guys are much too good to have to dig that deep for a jab.


Thanks for your vote of confidence, Sam. But what makes you think MIT is any less deserving of contempt than Microsoft?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Dear Sucksters:

Ain't it a crime — the commercial Web dies frothing ... hummm or was that froth & dies? Anyrate, the Web may now properly assume it's original form: an over-the-back-fence CHAT-fest. All photo's Xerox scanned — all tits are local — all code reverts to HTML_3.2 and browsers ta V_4.1 ... and WoooHooo SUCK can start writing funny, wavy columns again. Hell da_fish been in retro mode for a year who can't see that? Kann the bitch-rodent. Oh happy daze ... think I'll krank one-more-time.

ray hartman

At last, somebody who can describe the situation perfectly. WooHoo, thanks, Ray. u da man!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 04.11.01


Not quite ready to face real work, I take a page from your muse 'coffeed99', and check out the Duke web pages.

To hell with basketball. Did your Dad ever take you to dinner with Volker or Greenspan?

Hoping for enough irrational exuberance to get that 401K back above water,

Ned Kittlitz

Oh yeah. Volker, Greenspan, Freedman, you name it. Our dinner table was a regular, you know, Federal Reserve Board meeting, except with more experts. Or should I say, except with experts.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subject: Boo-yah, babee...

Of course, it takes a Filler column to remind me that you had gone to Duke and were fairly serious about basketball. However, it took a Filler column to clue me in in the first place, so there you go...

It was a hell of a ride, and Saint Battier finally got his mitre — also, I won my pool, though that was actually because everyone else had given Maryland up for dead. I would be much happier about this whole tournament, though, if my Cavs had not had to play those goddamn surfer boys. I guess that pair of size-16 Air Max glass slippers keep on fitting those clowns. Of course, what do you care? You got, 0 to bitter in less than fifty words; not bad.

Still, I'm not writing to acknowledge your team — you just did that. I'm far more intrigued by your description of rioting students burning furniture in West Durham. I've seen the Cameron footage, but Duke still just doesn't strike me as the kind of place where they riot about anything (except maybe the Western Canon). Now UNC, yeah, I'd buy that, but only if they'd run out of bourbon and uppers...of course, it WAS the eighties (BTW, Duke didn't actually beat Crum that night, did they?)

Anyway, more stellar reportage. I'd have put this on Plastic, but if I want monkeys hurling things randomly at me and shrieking incoherently, I'll just go to the zoo.


C. Caston Jarvis

Um, I'm not sure "rioting" is the correct term for what happened that night, unless you consider drunk half-naked frat guys slipping in beer-mud around a burning pile of desks a "riot". It was a laugh riot, that's for sure. Bahaha!

Oh, but I took it oh-so-seriously at the time, being a mere high school kid, and I grew up and took it even more seriously as a Duke student, and now, perhaps, I take it the most seriously of all, since it's the stuff of nostalgia and youth. It makes me feel wizened just to admit that. It was beautiful, though. Dorky enthusiasm and high-fiving always is — at least, from the inside. From the outside it's rather unsavory. But we knew that then — that's part of what fuels the fire, eh?

Ah, well. Shrieking incoherently was certainly fun while it lasted.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I guess I must have been a senior before I realized that I didn't have a nickname like the other cool people at my school. Coincidentally, it was college basketball season and teams were edging closer to the finals. You probably know what's coming next: my roommates drank 2 cases of Old Milwaukee, the finals were coming closer, and Duke was looking pretty good. Duke! And so I was thereafter known as Duke. It's not my fault this story sucks.


aka Duke

Au contraire! It IS, indeed, your fault that this story sucks.

And it's MY fault for publishing it.

High five!



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

FYI: In 1991, we beat UNLV in the SEMI-FINAL game, not the championship. We beat Kansas in the championship.

Deborah Gold

Yes, yes. I got that very wrong, didn't I?

It felt like a championship game, since I expected us to lose and lose badly, just like we did the year before.

I can't even remember the championship game, come to think of it. Weird.


FYI: Kentucko!

Very, very old,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
[The Smoking Gun] [Net.Moguls]