The Fish
for 9 April 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Baiting Whitey

It must really have galled you to admit that Horowitz is right about leftist fascists at major universities. And then you add, unbelievingly, in so many words that "who cares if there is free speech on campus or not". Ah, now I get it, academia is supposed to be fascist! Gee, all these years and I thought universities were supposed to encourage free exchange of ideas. Thanks for clearing that one up for me.

Another of your weird takes is your apparent lack of awareness of the enormous amount of speeches and articles gurgling out daily from the reparations for Blacks crowd i.e. just about every Black politician, and magazine and newspaper columnist. My own university UW-La Crosse just had a "symposium" on race which strongly accented this very issue as reported by my hometown newspaper. If you don't think it's being propagated by many as an important issue, tell it to those people. If Gore or Bradley had been elected, this would be front and center a huge issue in Congress. So Horowitz tries to counter this nefarious avalanche by race hustlers and poverty pimps preaching to the academically deluded by getting his counter-argument published, and of course to you he's just a self-aggrandizing rabble-rouser.

But at least you realize there are leftist fascists. You seem to be able to grasp a few things. There may be hope for you yet.

sincerely yours

John Butala

Thanks, John. Although you've mastered the art of assuming every interlocutor is a leftist/liberal/democrat until proven innocent (which is also the MO of great Horowitz himself), I plead not guilty of any of those labels. Nothing galls me except the fact that you claim to be in college in the United States and have a pretty questionable grasp of how to write an English sentence.

Somehow, it's not too surprising that you hear plenty of speeches about slavery reparations. That, as I indicated, is because you are in college, where the population generally doesn't have to worry about putting food on the table and can indulge in flights of fancy.

Which brings me to your misuse of words: I believe you want to say "unbelievably" rather than "unbelievingly". Unless you're accusing me of being a non-believer. Or unless you think "supposably" is a word too. And the phrase "in so many words" means exactly the opposite of what you apparently meant for it to mean.

My advice: Can the student activism and hit the fucking books. It's a tough world out there.

yr pal,

Addison DeWit

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

bravo.  nice article.  even though i'm still haunting the realm of la-la land under the guises of "post graduate studies," your piece took me back to my early days of college.  college--that place where you do greater quantities and larger varieties of drugs; that place where you fumble around in the dorm room either asserting your heterosexuality or experimenting with homosexuality; that place where the student newspaper is epitome of the give and take of free speech. 

well, two out of three ain't too bad.  free speech, maybe, but a free speech that is only relevant within the context of college, and, therefore, irrelevant outside of it. 

free speech about pre-marital marriage (for or against depending on the political bent of the student body), the legalization of marijuana, how the parking situation on campus is "like, totally unfair," and, among others, the qualities (or lack there of) of the greek system. 

real issues, such as affirmative action or abortion, are left to the big boys.  shadows of these issues may show up in poorly written, op-ed pieces, which spawn a slew of letters to the editor pointing the blanketing finger of "racism" or spouting off right-wing/left-wing propaganda slogans.  but all of this "action" never really covers the issue.  people with something to say usually don't think twice about the articles, because it is only the student newspaper after all, and go about their day. hmmm, what is it i'm trying to say?  i don't know, really.  maybe it's sad that the state of student reporting is so bad.  maybe it's sad that college, which should be a place where people learn to be comfortable with themselves, are so uncomfortable that they can't express themselves. 

maybe it's sad that the college setting, which (i'd always been lead to believe) is a place where you're made stronger, smarter, and more free thinking, is a place that perpetuates conformity, herd-mentality, and fact regurgitation.  i haven't read horowitz's ad, and so i cannot say whether i agree or disagree (given the fact that i consider myself a liberal, i would probably disagree...but a few conservative thoughts rattle around in my brain now and then, so i can't say).  i can say, however, that it should not be censored out from publication just because some people "don't like it."  if an editor of a newspaper chooses to print the ad, then, fuck it, let him or her print it.  if you don't like it, then write an article for the next issue of the paper giving a reason why you disagree.  don't burn confiscate the paper.  don't burn books.  the free speech carries with it the nasty possibility that someone, somewhere, is going to say something with which you completely disagree.  the beautiful possibility is that you can say something back.  it is a good joke horowitz played, though.  but will college newspapers get the punchline? did i offer anything new on the subject?  or just regurgitate what you said in your essay? 

damn college.  

matt downs

Wait a second. You were supposed to assert your heterosexuality and experiment with homosexuality? Jesus, I got it mixed up again. I guess it had to do with my opposition to pre-marital marriage. I was such a prude back then.

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I very much appreciated your piece on Horowitz and the dreamy amble down Bard College Memory Lane.

The Bisexuality Awareness Picnic was an unmitigated *hoot.*

Look forward to seeing more of your work.

All About Anna

Anna Boroughs

Thanks, Anna. Back at good ol' Rutgers we had some columnist in the student paper who'd write these sexed-up columns about how hot it was to be a bisexual. There were occasional references to how the lesbian community should accept her for what she was, but mostly it was just stuff about how hot men and women could make her. Made me pretty hot just reading it!

There was another one who would do these columns about how her multiracial background was the reason she was so beautiful. And she was in fact pretty cute. But hell's bells, does that mean we have to read her "Don't hate me because my Irish/Asian genes make me beautiful" claptrap?

Of course, I did read it, and told her how thought provoking I found it all, in a pathetic effort to get into her mixed race pants. Fucking A, when I think of the awful ways I could delude myself for a pretty face. "Gee, Melissa, you're a really talented sculptress!" I make myself sick sometimes.

Ah, to be a boy again!

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

In any form of group discussion, weather it be Plastic or newsgroups, the trolls are bound to surface. Horowitz is the same sad species of creature that cares more about the reaction to an idea rather than the merit of an idea itself. Those of us with more meaningful pursuits than mental masturbation deal with trolls in the only way they can be dealt with: we kill file their ass if the medium supports it and ignore them if it does not.

Advocating troll starvation,


The problem with Horowitz is that he forgets that all trolls on college campuses should include offers for credit cards. That's a requirement! Congress passed a law that says so!

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

What's your point? That it's okay for liberal college kids to be closed minded, and that Horowitz is a bully for exposing them for it? You make a big mistake in your reasoning, when you say colleges have always been repressive. The difference is that it had traditionally been the faculty that kept the lid on free speech, and now it's the students themselves. And I don't think those schmucks at Harvard really scared anyone with their plague of thrown lightbulbs, by the way.

Please offer some better evidence, of modern times, when students themselves have been the repressive ones, other than some lame, non-specific comment about the "class clowns of the cultural revolution" or what have you.

Dave Serchuk

On The Media Intern

Hey, I know interns are pretty young, but the Cultural Revolution took place during relatively recent times, when in fact this now-senile Suckster was living, albeit wrapped in swaddling clothes.

For a more recent example, how about this: Back at dear old R.U., on the banks of the old Raritan, a bunch of students were so incensed over a proposed 3 percent tuition hike (at a state school where the tuition was dirt cheap and the facilities were vast and generally first rate) that they took over "Bishop House," a barely used administration and storage building that nobody except the protestors knew existed, and handcuffed themselves to the railings. The school paper spent weeks doing stories like "Good God, they've taken Bishop House!" and "After Bishop House, the healing begins," and editorials about how it was all a great blow for civil liberties and economic justice.

Or there were the posters they'd put up all over the campus, with the word "HATE" being smashed by a manly fist attached to a muscular forearm. Because we were all supposed to stamp out hate as violently as possible, apparently.

Or there was even a small-scale newspaper confiscation incident, after the alternative student paper did some kind of Mr. Moto-type parody column and Asian students went bananas. Of course this was Central Jersey, where cooler heads always prevail, and the school's 40,000 students ended up in a consciousness-raising colloquy on sensitivity.

And countless other episodes. I didn't say it's OK that students are closed-minded buffoons. I said that students are closed-minded buffoons, whether we like it or not, and for Horowitz to score points off their intolerance just shows that he's a buffoon too. My entire college experience taught me to fear fellow students even more than teachers — and that was on the rare days when my roommate wasn't chloroforming me and making me his sex slave. But that's another story. Life ran very high in those days!

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Well put--and I enjoyed the inside joke about The Archers (can it be concluded that Jack Cardiff was the best part of the Oscars last Monday?) However, the stupidity of the kids, as you put it, may have been in accepting the ad in the first place.

When I was the nominal editor of one very left-wing collectively run student newspaper, we found an excellent all-purpose Benjamin Franklin quote to the extent that a newspaper wasn't a public convenience, like a stage coach--it didn't have to let on just anybody on board.

Now, if Horowitz had written an editorial arguing that slavery was pretty much all for the best, he could have been challenged, point-counterpoint wise. In taking Horowitz's tainted money--'taint yours and it t'aint mine--the student papers made themselves liable for a lot of fury as vessels of Horowitz's well-funded ignorance. And they didn't do their job and challenge Horowitz's malarky, either--perhaps out of fear of offending an advertiser? Greed (and budget cutbacks) got the better of these editors; the students knew it, and got justly pissed off. Depending on the campus their reactions ranged from stupid (stealing the newspapers) to rather restrained under the circumstances (that is, protesting and raising a big stink.) What else could they do? They could write an article--some of them did. They could go to Century City and picket underneath the ivory tower where Horowitz is housed, thereby drawing more attention to the man and his politics..or, they could do what this responsible adult does--they could sit at home impotently raging, daydreaming about squashing a large coconut custard pie into Horowitz's smug kisser.


Richard von Busack

Good old Ben Franklin! I was actually disappointed that none of the students used that argument. I keep waiting for some editor to say "We didn't take the ad because we are free to reject any ad with no further explanation to you or anybody else." But I guess saying that would mean you have to end the discussion and not indulge your infatuation with the sound of your own voice — not typical behavior from editors of student papers.

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Regarding last Friday's "Horse Sense": Rodeo is the only sport constructed around a lifestyle? I find that hard to believe. What about golf? Or perhaps foxhunting or polo? There are plenty of sports that were clearly designed as leisure-time activities for the elite of Europe and the U.S. which certainly seem to bespeak a certain lack of meaningful pursuits and affinity for funny pants, among other cultural indicators. Maybe what rodeo needs is a Tiger Woods to reignite the country's interest.

And on "Baiting Whitey": I liked the article, and I had to give props to Horowitz for his stunt, despite his overall political stance. But you do seem to perpetuate a journalistic and historical sophism that just won't die, that says nobody anywhere ever holds reasonable, rational, moderated viewpoints. In fact, journalism and perhaps even history are geared to stamp out the evidence that anybody holds these views, because those that do tend to work for change in small, non-revolutionary, behind-the-scenes ways. They do not generate the kind of exciting, attention-getting controversies that Horowitz or that misguided college students do. In other words, which headline do you think will get published: "Students hold courteous, civil debate balancing moral principles with practical concerns" or "Left-wing fascists seize campus newspapers"?

Keep up the good work,


Thanks, Amanda. At Suck, the idea that nobody anywhere ever holds reasonable, rational, moderated viewpoints is not sophism; it's a core belief. It's what gets us up in the morning.

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


If Horowitz were only bullying naifs with his superior logic, that would be amusing; however, the guy is immune to fact. He posts column after column with gargantuan errors of fact, historical misstatements, and out-and-out bullshit, then claims afterward that his critics have launched ad hominem attacks, touching not at all the points of his argument. He does this with amazing regularity (about every three months) and Salon only rarely calls him on it. By way of example: regarding his slavery reparations ad, one refutation covers all his errata nicely, but has yet to be acknowledged by the great man himself.

Right-wing pundits-for-hire should at least be funny. Horowitz bores; give me P.J. O'Rourke any day.


Michael Treece

You said it, Michael. But you shouldn't make the mistake of thinking Horowitz's gift for fiction stems from his conservatism. Back when he was still wandering in the wilderness his career consisted largely of doing long, turgid pieces about how, say, Mao and Castro and Stalin were really a swell bunch of guys and just victims of bad Yankee press.

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Nice column, especially the wrapup.

One little detail about Brown that I only saw once (in the Times) was that the children din't grab the press run of the offending issue, but rather a later one that didn't even have the ad in it.


Yeah, it's tough being a Brown student. Some days they almost forget to pamper you.

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Cost Minus

Subject: Convert to common sense

I am an adept of Suck and think your articles are great. But I do feel the tip to "Convert to Islam" note to be way offline. Your article states that "If our religion forbids us to look at images in the first place, we won't have to worry about paying an artist at all".

I think this is a very misleading statement as to what exactly Islam bans: It bans the visual representation of holy figures (i.e. icons, statues, etc...). But Islam does not ban "looking at images." Doesn't Suck have some sort of a "fact double checking department"?? Perhaps not, the employees of that department might have been sacked with this new cost reduction policy you are adopting. So instead of Suck converting to Islam, it might as well convert to common sense — I hear it saves a lot of money in the long run. It might actually come as a surprise to you that I am a Christian, but I still wouldn't tolerate any unrightful diffamation for any other religion.


Tarek Chemaly

Good to hear from you, Tarek, and good on you for promoting inter-confessional harmony in the Republic of Lebanon. Last I saw, Patriarch Nasrallah Sfei and Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah were in a battle of the Nasrallahs over Sfei's repeated calls for Syria to leave. Increase the peace!

Sadly, Mr. Briggs appears to have missed his comparative religion classes at Brown, and we hope his comments won't be taken too literally.

yr pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I guess it's a little late for an IPO, huh?

Robert James

Guess so.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

BarTel d'Arcy?

About this "Cost Minus" thing.

Yesh, yesh...

I see "Thermidor", but "Thermador"?! With an 'a'?!! (annoying website, btw) belongs to a company that makes "cooking appliances".

...or at least they claim to. Their official corporate history (a revisionist whitewash?) doesn't say much about storming the Bastille. In fact, their CONSISTENT REFUSAL to mention those grim events looks a bit...SUSPICIOUS, no?

So anyway, it's "Thermidor", no 'a', and to hell with it. If I'm the 5000th reader to complain about this, do I get a special prize? Do I at least get a prize for not abusing the oven connection to make cretinous cake-eating jokes?

Then again, it was probably Terry's error; if so, I'll have to forgive him.

Your Humble Navigator,

Rev. Alistair Glarf

Thanks for your assistance, Reverend. Have a nice Germinal.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subject: bad german translation


nice piece (march 30). I especially liked the bit about using german because they link words together. In fact, i often tell a german friend of mine this. so as a good laugh i send this friend of mine your paragraph showing how german is shorter... and he tells me the german phrase is not the same a the english...

you wrote

english: The straightforward architecture of this townhouse with passageway to the rear is a must for all N cities.

german: Schlichtes, jedoch elegantes Stadthaus mit Durchfarhrt zum Hinterhof.

BUT... the real translation seems to be : simple, but elegant cityhouse with passageway to the rear alley.

You are still kind of right.. the english sentence is still longer than the german (by 2 words).

In the end though, good research into your article.


Unfortunately, Mr. Briggs missed his German language courses at Brown. As noted in the piece, both the German and the translation are taken directly from the box for a model railroad. Blame the Pola corporation.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]

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