The Fish
for 5 April 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 03.29.01

Oh, how clever and sneaky to bash the Mac the one day of the week that Terry doesn't illustrate your site.

Kris Hunt

Hmm. Looks like you, ah, figured out our agenda. No Terry, Mac-bashing! Of course! We're sure there must be a connection in there somewhere.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Cngratulations on the journalistic integrity of not repeating the "cram it, clowny" story, which would seem to be one of those too-good-to-be true urban myths. The end of Bozo is more than just a tale we oldsters can tell each other to mask the noises of our arteries hardening. Yes, Bozo was the avatar of Krusty and John W. Gacy ("Pogo the Clown--I'm called "Pogo," because I'm Polish, and I'm always on the go!"-- Gacy.) But in the way Larry Harmon franchised the clownster, checking up on the different Bozos of America and coming down with fierce vengeance and grim retribution on those who mocked the presence...we can also see that Bozo spawned Ronald McDonald. God, how I longed to be on the LA Bozo show to take home some of those Bozo Jams and Jellies the buffoon was pawning off on the loser kids as door prizes ("You want a door prize? There's the door!"--Bozo.) A creature of infinite jest. (It was great visiting Ft. Wayne, Indiana a few years back just to watch as much of the Chicago Bozo as I could stand on WGN a few years ago. Didn't think he had the chops of the LA Bozo c. 1962, but you know, in those days the sun was always shining, the women were all chastely-clad, and the milk didn't go sour as fast as it does now, you goddamn kids, harrumph, zzzz, snore.)

Awash in nostalgia,

Richard von Busack

PS--whatever happened to Hobo Kelly? Sheriff John supposedly got kicked off his show for flipping off the advertisers, though this one's as hard to prove as the "cram it, clowny" story.

Richard Von Busack

I know nothing of this Sheriff John. But the other day this Suckster spent half an hour arguing with a guy in a bar who kept insisting that Mr. Greenjeans was busted as a child molester. The dumbass just couldn't keep the story straight: Everybody knows Mr. Greenjeans was Zappa's dad.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

can't help but notice the utne reader-like, not so veiled (and multiple) references to suck's need for funding. what gives? and yes, comparing utne and suck is a tad insulting to you. sorry.

rob zand

Oh, we're just trying to pick up a little of that Utne-ish, quasi-charity case mojo, preparatory to launching our new radio show "This American Suck." Please send money. Or better yet, donate your used car. We'll arrange to pick it up, running or not in most cases!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Good thought about mac and unix users hating one another. Although a better classification would be the pure distain unix users have to anyone possessing such a paucity of computer knowledge that they would require a visual interface.

Usability? That is for weaklings.

And another classic: "that particular spectacle of our age — nostalgia for something you don't actually remember." I am rarely nostalgic for anything that I can remember.


Saturday Night Live pretty much locked up digital snob comedy with that "Your company's computer guy" sketch (which, curiously, never seemed to catch on around the water cooler, although I always thought it was one of their best recent characters).

But secondhand nostalgia may actually be worthy of an entire Suck article of its own. JFK's funeral, the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, VJ Day, the signing of the Magna Carta... these are the most memorable moments of my life.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 03.28.01

Actually Polly, I actively encourage smart, funny women to abuse me. I find it very rewarding to have bad moods taken out on me. Perverse, I know, but a useful sort of perversion, given how angry smart women tend to be.

And who'd want to hang out with dumb chicks?

And as for NMH, while it is an elite prep school, it does have one of the best financial aid programs of any school in its class. It also draws about 30% of its student body from overseas, making for a fascinating social scene. But you've probably heard all that from that pompous ass who blew you off. That guy must have been on crack. Elite crack.


Ben Schwabe

Oh, he wasn't pompous. You underestimate me, thinking I'd go out with some pompous ass. I like the faux-humble, ultimately distant types much better.

Funny you should ask "Who'd want to hang out with dumb chicks?" because I distinctly recall discussing this with an exboyfriend. We had recently broken up, and we were speaking with a younger guy, who was saying that he was dating this woman who was very smart and cool, but "a total psycho." This was before I understood that a wide range of utterly innocuous behavior often falls under the definition "psycho" as defined by vaguely frat-ish men. Anyway, I explained to this guy (perhaps with a wee bit of self-loathing misogynist traces picked up from my years as a frat-boy wanna-be) that all smart women are somewhat psycho, because when you grow up smart, and a woman, in America these days, it makes you more than a little neurotic (I said this with perhaps a wee bit of feminist anger picked up from my years as an angry feminist, an era that hasn't quite come to a close yet). I can't explain why this happens, and certainly smart men have their own set of El Guapos to deal with. At any rate, my exboyfriend chimed in by casting a firm vote for the dumber, less crazy varieties of women in the world. And then he married one of them, and had three beautiful darling little children.

I, on the other hand, went on to alienated scores of men who had previously believed that a smart woman would be "great to date" and "much more fun when it comes time for Trivial Pursuit." Well, I'm emotionally unstable, and I'm terrible at Trivial Pursuit. So, each relationship ended more quickly than the last, but at least, for a short while, they admired my agile mind. The better to control you with, my dear.

Fuck, maybe I'm just stupid and crazy and there's no real excuse for any of it.

Oh, the crack. The elite crack. How could I forget?



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

In the latest issue, (the one with the Sopranos on the cover) the weasels at Newsweek have appropriated your recurring x-y axis graph doohicky. They plot TV shows along a "dumb" to "smart" x-axis and a "daring — safe" Y-axis. FWIW, they equate "dumb and daring" with MTV Undressed and "safe and smart" with the West Wing. Just thought you should know. You're nobody in this business until somebody else is stealing from you.

John K

When the weasels start stealing your ideas, that's when you know you're ready for the big time. I'd better get my manager and my publicist on the phone, pronto, 'cause this means I'm gonna break wide, real quick-like, baby!

Unsafe and stupid,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
[The Smoking Gun] [Net.Moguls]