The Fish
for 30 March 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
The Elvisification of Marshall Mathers or From Marshall to Jerry

My problem is that he's a mediocre rapper and an asshole. He's what every sensible black guy fears — the stupid peckerwood who hangs around, won't go away, and is constantly trying to prove how "down" he is. The biggest slap in the face how Andre "Dr Dre" Young is parading the little idiot around. Don't you have brothers you should be hooking up? Embarrassing. The only solace I take is that he's destined for Vanilla Iceism.


He's headed for something, that's for sure. Perhaps Dre knew something you didn't. In terms of pop-rap, it strikes me that Eminem is pretty darn talented, actually. Which doesn't mean his future won't be as embarrassing as all the rest of ours.

Eugen von Bohm Bawerk

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

If you ignore them, they will go away.

Well, usually.

But then you can always gank 'em with your nine.

Or something like that. Yo.


Alas, our very mentioning of Eminem continues his reign of terror. I actually quite like his music, myself.


Eugen von Bohm Bawerk

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Hit & Run 03.22.01

Dear suck,

You're right, magazines clutter, and Salon is doing me a favour not making a magazine (a favour Nerve didn't think to do). I have piles of crappy magazines and newspapers all over the damn place.

I don't want magazines anymore, but as a blissfully employed copywriter, I buy them for the freaking ads, and for the clutter they create in my office. But I read suck for the content. And I don't want it to go away.

Especially on Thursday. This might sound like blatant sucking up, but Hit and Run is consistently the best little thing on the net. By little, I don't mean to belittle; your ideas are big and the writing it big, but I can't swing a dead cat in Toronto and hit someone who's heard of Suck unless we're talking about the verb.

I like Suck so much that I went looking for Plastic. Even signed up. Two things stopped me: 1. It looks like work. 2. the Scooby snack you offer (Karma points), aren't available to members of the non-American internet community. Even though, as a Canadian, America is like my big brother. Our culture wants to grow up and be just like yours.

Anyway, the point of this e-mail is this: If I gotta pay for Suck in the future I might, as long as I can still get Hit and Run. Oh, and as long as I can pay with Canadian Tire money.

Matt Hames.
From Toronto.

Thanks for the ringing endorsement of Hit & Run, which is generally the most ignored or reviled of Suck's features. When we read your note we felt just like the little boy at the end of Jack Chick's classic "Somebody Loves Me."

At the moment we're still committed to bringing you top quality Suck at the same low price you'd pay for your local Shopper. But have no fear: Like the bars of Detroit, we take Canadian Loonies at par.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subject: Protocol of the Elders of Suck

Wonderful anti-Palestinian revisionism on the part of the Sucksters today -- what a surprise, as I'm sure Arabs and Muslims are well represented on your staff.

The photo contest was not the subject of "Vote for--" spam only by pro-Palestinians. Plenty of anti-Palestinian and/or pro-Israel spam went out, all of it urging that photos other than "Death" be voted for, and some of it specifically suggesting votes for the furry critters -- such spam being a more likely explanation for the overrepresentation of such photos in the results than some supposed Disney worldview on the part of people who would have come across, and bothered to vote in, the contest unadjured.

Your propoganda is transparent, and your wishful thinking -- that your spin on this matter and the greater one of which it is a part might prevail -- pathetic.

Bone Fragment

Lighten up, Francis. Suck has been down with the Arabs since the first time we heard the Casey Casem cursing tape. We stand by our contention that Americans love furry critters.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Sadly enough, I was reading about this on, looking at the page, thinking 'I can't even find an ad on this page anyway' when I realized that I still had Webwasher running from some long ago install... actually felt kind of bad, in a generic way...

t town

Is there some reason every fucking person who uses Webwasher feels the need to mention that fact every two seconds? "It's hot in here; I think I'll take off my Webwasher!"

We get it: You don't have to look at ads online. We're in awe of you. You're an iconoclast, a style setter. You're Thoreau, Crazy Horse and the Silver Surfer all rolled into one. You ain't playing by anybody's rules but your own!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Renee Richards errors or not. Dead on about the Salon sub model. I don't know why you haven't started charging yet. I guess we have S.I., Florio or whoever to thank for that.    

n Musolino

We haven't started charging for the same reason you should never ask "Do you really love me?" Putting out Suck every day is a thankless enough task. Actually knowing exactly how much people think we're worth is more than we could stand.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
[The Smoking Gun] [Net.Moguls]