for 29 March 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Hit & Run 03.22.01
You're right, magazines clutter, and Salon is doing me a favour not making a magazine (a favour Nerve didn't think to do). I have piles of crappy magazines and newspapers all over the damn place.
I don't want magazines anymore, but as a blissfully employed copywriter, I buy them for the freaking ads, and for the clutter they create in my office. But I read suck for the content. And I don't want it to go away.
Especially on Thursday. This might sound like blatant sucking up, but Hit and Run is consistently the best little thing on the net. By little, I don't mean to belittle; your ideas are big and the writing it big, but I can't swing a dead cat in Toronto and hit someone who's heard of Suck unless we're talking about the verb.
I like Suck so much that I went looking for Plastic. Even signed up. Two things stopped me: 1. It looks like work. 2. the Scooby snack you offer (Karma points), aren't available to members of the non-American internet community. Even though, as a Canadian, America is like my big brother. Our culture wants to grow up and be just like yours.
Anyway, the point of this e-mail is this: If I gotta pay for Suck in the future I might, as long as I can still get Hit and Run. Oh, and as long as I can pay with Canadian Tire money.
Thanks for the ringing endorsement of Hit & Run, which is generally the most ignored or reviled of Suck's features. When we read your note we felt just like the little boy at the end of Jack Chick's classic "Somebody Loves Me."
At the moment we're still committed to bringing you top quality Suck at the same low price you'd pay for your local Shopper. But have no fear: Like the bars of Detroit, we take Canadian Loonies at par.
Subject: Protocol of the Elders of Suck
Wonderful anti-Palestinian revisionism on the part of the Sucksters today -- what a surprise, as I'm sure Arabs and Muslims are well represented on your staff.
The photo contest was not the subject of "Vote for--" spam only by pro-Palestinians. Plenty of anti-Palestinian and/or pro-Israel spam went out, all of it urging that photos other than "Death" be voted for, and some of it specifically suggesting votes for the furry critters -- such spam being a more likely explanation for the overrepresentation of such photos in the results than some supposed Disney worldview on the part of people who would have come across, and bothered to vote in, the contest unadjured.
Your propoganda is transparent, and your wishful thinking -- that your spin on this matter and the greater one of which it is a part might prevail -- pathetic.
Lighten up, Francis. Suck has been down with the Arabs since the first time we heard the Casey Casem cursing tape. We stand by our contention that Americans love furry critters.
Sadly enough, I was reading about this on salon.com, looking at the page, thinking 'I can't even find an ad on this page anyway' when I realized that I still had Webwasher running from some long ago install... actually felt kind of bad, in a generic way...
Is there some reason every fucking person who uses Webwasher feels the need to mention that fact every two seconds? "It's hot in here; I think I'll take off my Webwasher!"
We get it: You don't have to look at ads online. We're in awe of you. You're an iconoclast, a style setter. You're Thoreau, Crazy Horse and the Silver Surfer all rolled into one. You ain't playing by anybody's rules but your own!
Renee Richards errors or not. Dead on about the Salon sub model. I don't know why you haven't started charging yet. I guess we have S.I., Florio or whoever to thank for that.
We haven't started charging for the same reason you should never ask "Do you really love me?" Putting out Suck every day is a thankless enough task. Actually knowing exactly how much people think we're worth is more than we could stand.
Are you a Brownie?
"Make new friends but keep the old, Make new friends but keep the old,
One is silver, and the other gold"
Apparently this little ditty came to us through the wisdom of "an idealistic American girls organization known as the Brownies."
Oh those little sluts. Don't tell me about those Brownies, with their overtly sexual uniforms and Siren-like rhyming couplets and their provocative dessert treats. Talk about your pedophile-incited organizations. Where would you turn, if you had a thing for little girls with marshmallow melted all over their stubby fingers?
God I'm in a gross mood. On days like this I should write for The Practice.
So you went out with a guy who dated Uma in high school? Why, he must have been a NMH graduate, like me, but about six years older. Isn't that a little old for you? Shouldn't you be dating younger, more virile men? The kind of men who can pull your rickshaw all day, if you know what I mean.
What is that, some sort of special school for brainy aristocrats whose parents can afford to pay multiple thousands for each teacher to personally blow each student and reassure him that he's dyslexic or he has a learning disability and therefore he really shouldn't have to work nearly as hard as those smelly underprivileged kids? No, special brainy aristocratic children need extra time to take the SATs, so they can blow off their Kaplan course and spend the afternoon sucking down bong hits instead.
It's really not fair to dislike people because they're rich brainy slackers, though, is it? After all, isn't that what we all want to be? Just without the khakis and the bad haircuts and the MIT email addresses.
I'm sorry, Ben. You know I care deeply, despite my prickly exterior. It's been a tough day, and you're an easy target. I know you can take it.
Or at least that's the excuse most of my friends use after they rip me to shreds.
Entirely unencumbered by dignity,
Is Polly a Good Girl, or a Bad Girl?
Oh please. What's a good girl, like one with clean panties and a crucifix around her neck? And a bad girl is mean and naughty with garter belts and ?
Infantilizing language like that makes me feel all angry and brutish, like this woman I saw on Taxicab Confessions who said, "I wish I had a dick so bad, 'cause then I'd be all the time sayin' shit like, 'Shut up and suck my dick!'"
Nothing really spells total disdain and disrespect like those words, don't you agree? Not that I'd actually want to have such a vulnerable appendage around all the time. Anyway, suck my dick.
Bad as in good,
would it be possible to gather up all the people who are going to respond to this installment of FILLER by emailing you clever, rhyming verse and have them collectively stuff it up their ass?
or, as usual, is it too late already?
Gee, so bitter. Did someone tell you to suck their dick in iambic pentameter this morning, or are you just unhappy to see me?
The eerie synchronicities abound. Let's see: Ben Schwabe of MIT went to the same high school as Uma Thurman AND another one of my best friends coveted the contents of your pants from afar during your undergrad Duke days.
And he never Once wore a docker. In fact, he loved his Chuck Taylor Hightops so very very much that when the sole finally tore off of one, he wore a flip-flop underneath the top part.
And didn't get a whole lot of action at the time.
Great WXDU DJ, though. And a fine citizen. He's a labor organizer now.
Ain't that *somethin'*?
One of your best friends coveted the contents of my pants? That is somethin'. Did he know there was a vulnerable appendage jangling around in there?
Well, fine citizens are rarely fine, huh? At least he never once wore a docker. That's more than we can say for dear old Ben.
Guaranteed 100% dignity free,