The Fish
for 16 March 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Peace Dividends

Without taking you to other new and interesting places, Suck is just kinda like reading all the other drivel on bulletin boards all over the web. Did you just finish this prior to publication, and didn't have time to research and add hyper links??

Polly Esther is the only Suckster who can get away with not adding hyperlinks to her rants and rambles. The rest of you need the distractions so we (the reader) can read the entirety of Suck without loosing interest. Nobody just wants to read pages of political doldrums when they could be clicking and jumping all over the web to new and interesting places.

Please, for the sake of your readers, don't skimp in the hyper links anymore.

Also, I know that everybody offers to write a Suck column for you guys, but I dare you to let me.

Douglas Badgley

Dear Douglas:

Thanks, bud, for calling my story drivel; I can see you read it carefully before you "loosed" interest. And funnily enough, I sent some links to Suck close to deadline; I guess they didn't get in. Maybe you should read less and watch TV more?

And you'll have to take up your dare with Tim.

Loose-lipped and linked up,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Further on Plan Columbia, I read in Chomsky's 'the New Humanism' that the original draft of Plan Columbia was written in English.

Viva Zapista,

Scott Mcintyre

Hey Scott.

Yeah Noam Chomsky's been following Col. for some time; a bunch of his views have been translated into Spanish in the leading paper here. And your point backs up what I mentioned in the story. Now for a little second language lip: "Columbia"'s a university, "Colombia's" the subject of the Plan; Emiliano Zapata was the guy who inspired the cry, "Viva Zapata"; the "Zapatistas" make up the movement led by Marcos, the guy w/the mask.

Viva Las Vegas,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Senor Pratt-

The coca-eradication component of Plan Colombia carries with it yet another problem. According to Disinformation, the "spraying" planned may involve biological agents that make Agent Orange seem almost nutritious. Genetically engineered crop blights that target cannabis, coca, and poppies are both planned and extant, and Plan Colombia might well be their coming-out party. This has the potential — no, the likelihood — of setting up ecocide on a scale that recalls bad sci-fi movies.

Just thought I'd brighten your morning.


Michael Treece


Got the message in the afternoon, and don't worry, being on the ground here, there's nothing you could inform or misinform me of that isn't matched or surpassed by what's entering my ears and eyes daily. As for the "crop blights", or fungus research — which has been reported on in pub's ranging from NewScientist to NY Times — supposedly, Col's Min. of Env.has prohibited research on this line of eradication on Col. soil, but who knows...?

This story can be followed more in US for now, I think, looking into USDA and other gov't outfits...

Thanks for the note -


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


I just read your excellent piece today in, which I enjoyed very much (aside from concerning me even more about my country). I admire your style of journalism, having also read your previous piece on Colombia. Let me tell you about myself. I am a professor at universidad del Rosario in Bogota, currently teaching a course on International Relations of Colombian Regions. Previously I was a student at Cornell University, and I am originally from Cali, and I still go there once in a while. I would like it very much if perhaps on one of your visits to Bogota you could come to my class to give a lecture. It would be of great use to my students and myself. If it is not in your plans to come to Bogota or to give lectures, I would personally like to meet you in any case.

Best Wishes,

Andres Roman


Thanks for your kind words. I'm not sure what I could lecture about, but who knows? I'll get in touch. How'd you find out about Suck from the mountains of Bogotá anyway?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


Here's the rant of a 51 yr old member of the working class (blue collar). In everyone's self interest first, we legalize drugs. In my paranoid older age I'm thinking that the old idea that drugs and drug enforcement are a tool to control "the masses." At best it's a rat hole that our government is pouring our taxes into. I'm really worried about Star Wars, that's the rat's vacuum cleaner.

Helping the Hopeless, Hoping the Hapless, Haplessly Hoping;



Thanks for your note. And hey what's that sign-off, a CSNY flashback? Anyway, I hope you're wrong about the masses part, though Nuyorican poet Pedro Pietri did once say the Masses are Asses. And maybe timely, balanced information will help voters turn things around, said the hopeful journalist.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 03.7.01

Hey, I hate my job, but the cartoon was funny. Now I'm going to drive an hour across town in the snow to see my girlfriend that I don't really like. Wanna go out?


Sure. I love men who hate their jobs, read cartoons instead of working, and date women they don't like. Why else would they date me, after all?

Do you have snow tires? Snow tires seal the deal.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subject: You're angry...I know


I think you captured my essence. I piss everyone off. But instead of expensive therapy, I would recommend the bong hit.

Thanks, that was fun!

Damon Delgado

The bong hit can be considered expensive therapy, actually, depending on what kind of pot you prefer.

Thanks for guest-starring on Filler. Your residuals should start arriving in a few months. Merchandising rights are out of the question, though. Tell your agent to stop smoking the glass pipe.

So washed up I'm resorting to crack jokes,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Dear Polly:

Of course you know better than I that Damon Delgado is absolutely right: Filler is far and away the best and most popular part of Suck Daily. I consider myself to be somewhat serious, but Filler has me laughing out loud in my office on a regular basis. Not that I don't appreciate a meandering essay from time to time; after all, I curl up with the New Yorker every week. But I usually glance at Suck's content on non-Filler days and move on. If Filler were on ABC it would appear three days a week, but I suppose we have to be satisified with the one day that we get.

By the way, have you heard anything lately from the blue-veined nine-inch thumper?



That's the nine-inch blue-vein thumper, Christopher. Please.

I heard from the nine-inch blue-vein thumper just the other day. It wants back-end points on the nine-inch blue-vein plush squeaky toy we have planned. Naturally back-end points are out of the question, but we'll pay it handsomely upfront regardless.

If Filler were on ABC it would get canceled after three shows because it would take more time than that for the highly dysfunctional, anti-social demographic we cater to to mention it to all of their dysfunctional friends. Filler would really have to be on cable, don't you think?

Boy am I boring me right now.

Hand cancel,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

The text above the cartoons were very blurry and hard to read this week. Do you have a complete idiot getting the images ready for the web? Fire her/him.

Jarrett Kertesz

Yeah, Terry is a complete idiot, but firing him is out of the question, since he draws all the cute little pictures that seem to magically transform our words into something remotely tolerable. We don't know how to fix that blurry thing, and we can't communicate that to him. We tried beating him, but he doesn't seem to understand. Lately we've been throwing a Honey Baked Ham into his cage every Thursday. That seems to be working out pretty well so far, so look for some improvement in image quality in the coming weeks.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

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