The Fish
for 15 March 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 03.8.01

I have a strong stomach. Mirsky's Worst, early Suck, and others accustomed me to the horrors lurking behind each hyperlink. Then I followed a link to a certain film preview. Damn this high-speed network! I had no time to save myself from Monkeybone.

Please, a warning label next time. The link said "Stephen King". Anything involving that author-cum-director/star is cuddly compared to the torture I just went through.

P.S. Am I twice-damned for being able to think "hey, at least it's got Dave Foley." while making helpless mewling sounds?


Dave Carroll

Not only are you twice damned, Dave, but at some point, you're going to be trying to decide how to spend that movie dollar of yours and you'll say, "Well... I am kinda curious about Monkeybone... Why not just see it — just to laugh at how bad it is?" And that'll be the end of you!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I just got this cool email address, but you are the only people I can think to email.


Trashed On Bud.

We're always here for you, Dennis


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

The Reason that Peter Pan is played by women is because the character was originally conceived for English Pantomime. The idea was that having a pair of adolescents exchanging "thimbles" (kisses) on stage was inappropriate (especially for children), but a pair of 14 year old girls saying "I'm going to marry you." is well, innocent and cute. So....

--teleny, friend of cats.

From Plastic

But a pair of 14-year-old girls saying "I'm going to marry you" is innocent and cute. Pack my bags, I'm goin' to Thailand!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 03.7.01

Hey, I hate my job, but the cartoon was funny. Now I'm going to drive an hour across town in the snow to see my girlfriend that I don't really like. Wanna go out?


Sure. I love men who hate their jobs, read cartoons instead of working, and date women they don't like. Why else would they date me, after all?

Do you have snow tires? Snow tires seal the deal.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subject: You're angry...I know


I think you captured my essence. I piss everyone off. But instead of expensive therapy, I would recommend the bong hit.

Thanks, that was fun!

Damon Delgado

The bong hit can be considered expensive therapy, actually, depending on what kind of pot you prefer.

Thanks for guest-starring on Filler. Your residuals should start arriving in a few months. Merchandising rights are out of the question, though. Tell your agent to stop smoking the glass pipe.

So washed up I'm resorting to crack jokes,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Dear Polly:

Of course you know better than I that Damon Delgado is absolutely right: Filler is far and away the best and most popular part of Suck Daily. I consider myself to be somewhat serious, but Filler has me laughing out loud in my office on a regular basis. Not that I don't appreciate a meandering essay from time to time; after all, I curl up with the New Yorker every week. But I usually glance at Suck's content on non-Filler days and move on. If Filler were on ABC it would appear three days a week, but I suppose we have to be satisified with the one day that we get.

By the way, have you heard anything lately from the blue-veined nine-inch thumper?



That's the nine-inch blue-vein thumper, Christopher. Please.

I heard from the nine-inch blue-vein thumper just the other day. It wants back-end points on the nine-inch blue-vein plush squeaky toy we have planned. Naturally back-end points are out of the question, but we'll pay it handsomely upfront regardless.

If Filler were on ABC it would get canceled after three shows because it would take more time than that for the highly dysfunctional, anti-social demographic we cater to to mention it to all of their dysfunctional friends. Filler would really have to be on cable, don't you think?

Boy am I boring me right now.

Hand cancel,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

The text above the cartoons were very blurry and hard to read this week. Do you have a complete idiot getting the images ready for the web? Fire her/him.

Jarrett Kertesz

Yeah, Terry is a complete idiot, but firing him is out of the question, since he draws all the cute little pictures that seem to magically transform our words into something remotely tolerable. We don't know how to fix that blurry thing, and we can't communicate that to him. We tried beating him, but he doesn't seem to understand. Lately we've been throwing a Honey Baked Ham into his cage every Thursday. That seems to be working out pretty well so far, so look for some improvement in image quality in the coming weeks.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
[The Smoking Gun] [Net.Moguls]