The Fish
for 6 March 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
[Suck Staff]
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff
Publisher

 
 
 
 
[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
First Drones of History

I'll premise this by saying that I didn't finish the article, just as far as the remarks about Andrew Sullivan. I was thrilled to see you take some much deserved pot shots at this prick. His bloated, pompous, and logically challenged articles are why I am not renewing my TNR subscription. His entire approach to his writing seems to be; 1) figure out what do people expect a gay hipster's opinion to be 2) write exactly the opposite opinion while trying to use the same set of facts/observations as in step 1, 3) logic or intelligence be damned! I am all for openmindedness and approaching issues from the stance of your opponents, but this guy does so with such a complete disregard for any coherence that I have tossed many a TNR straight in the trash after reading his drivel. Every time I see his writing I am reminded of a comic (can't remember which one) who, in reference to the Log Cabin Repuplicans, said in essence, "These guys political view is to disapprove of themselves". Actually, that kind of sounds like Suck. Hmmm...

Bradley Messmer
<bmessmer@nshs.edu>

I'll preface this by saying I didn't finish your message, but Sullivan earned my enmity when he referred to the Beirut Daily Star as a "vicious" paper. Anybody who has ever looked at that publication knows it's one of the tamest and dullest papers in this solar system or any other. That is, if it is the Daily Star he's referring to, since in his weblog he also managed to get the paper's title wrong. On that evidence, I'd say there's a strong probability old Sullie issued his expert opinion without ever glancing at the paper. Hell, I'll bet the big phony can't even name all five Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary.

yr pal,

Magua

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Your article on the likes of Andrew Sullivan has valid points. But I must note that in your haste to take a swipe at what the World Wide Web has wrought you missed an important fact: The Web has actually produced some good writers. Writers who would otherwise not get a chance at exposure, success as writers, etc.

Should you be interested in such things, please drop me a line. I will point you to one or two URLs where you can find interesting efforts literary.

Thank you for your time.

Until next time. . .

Jim Hess
<jchess@frii.com>

Thanks, Jim. It never occured to us that there was good writing on the Web. Who could imagine such a thing. Hang on to those URLs, though, 'cause, well, it's the hunt that's the thrilling part, y'know?

Magua

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Thanks for promoting my site, readjacobs.com. I was flattered to be called a "celebrity'' weblogger and to be equated with Mickey Kaus and Andrew Sullivan, whose work I enjoy.

I did take a look at the 10 QuickReads on my page to see how many mentioned me. Other than the test-taking bit cited by Suck, there's nothing personal. It seems a bit dry and distant. I'll have to up my references to my trans-Atlantic flights, famous friends and minor illnesses.

-- Joanne Jacobs

From Plastic


If I knew what it took to become a celebrity, do you think I'd be here, Joanne? But be of good cheer: That little "whose work I enjoy" is priceless. I've got a hunch you'll be a Good Friend of these fellas in no time.

yr Good Friend,

Magua

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

The dearth of unexpressed thought has been apparent at least as long as Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? has been on. "Well, I know Paris isn't the capital of Germany because my wife and I and our friends went there once and we ate nothing but Italian food." Why, I even wrote about it at, ah... my own site.

Aaron

From Plastic


I'm surprised those hammy excogitations on Millionaire haven't sent up any flags about game fixing. As I understand it, these phony-baloney displays of rumination were what Jack Barry and the gang coached 21 contestants to put on in order to convince audiences they were really giving the whole matter a good think. Given that nobody on earth actually goes through this process, especially out loud, I've always been a little suspicious of these ostentatious musings.

yr pal,

Magua

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Taking the "R" Out of Free

Suck usually hyperlinks everything. However y'all forgot to mention that the song "I Have the Password to Your Shell Account" which was mentioned in the Napster Sleeps with the Fishes section is by a DC band called Barcelona. Their website is here. The band is made up of tech workers (geeks) and if/when Napster dies, you will be able to get Barcelona MP3s from the Barcelona site. Woohoo

d00m2k

But, y'see, linking to a site where you can get the song for free without using Napster would have undermined the point of the article. Suck isn't so much about "journalism" or "accurate and complete information transfer" or "telling the truth," as it is about "winning an argument." If reality gets in the way of that, well, I can do without it.

Greg Knauss

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Suck.com, as a player in the aforementioned heydays, writes from an inside perspective. Sure they miss it. I almost can't blame them. But as someone who watched the rise and fall of the web from afar, all I can say is, "What the heck were you thinking?" You really did think this would last forever, didn't you? In spite of its tone and its condemnation of free pet food, this essay is proof that the dot- commers STILL don't understand what went wrong.

I wonder what the web will be like once the banner ad companies go belly up?

Anonymous

Silly boy. Everybody knows what went wrong: a whole bunch of companies starting vomiting cash. That's not the sort of thing you can keep up for very long — really! give it a try! — and anyone who can perform simple subtraction or has a historical awareness that stretches back farther than 1995 knows that. If you're evolved enough to sport a spinal column, then you knew that the consensual hallucination was going to end, and end badly.

But "why" or "when" weren't the point of the article. We were simply mourning the loss of the "what." Free money! Free food! Free music! Free software! And in certain, happy cases, free sex! Who cares where they came from? Who cares how long they could last? Just enjoy them while they're here, buck-o, and miss 'em when they're gone.

Greg Knauss

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

One freebie the Sucksters forgot to mention was good ol' Demon Rum. Sure, there was a nod to launch party liquor — usually plentiful and leaning toward the girlie end of the alcoholic spectrum: flavored vodkas and white wines, but free nonetheless--but what really set dot-com culture apart was all the booze one could guzzle down during the work day. Boy, did we ever drink a lot. If we weren't sneaking beers at the bar around the corner during "strategy conferences," we were smoking pot on the roof and soaking down the cottonmouth with the beer that made Milwaukee — and sometimes Latrobe — famous. And lunch ... hoo boy! Let's just say that if you take three hours out of the day for a meal, some of the time is going to be given over to sweet, sweet booze. In a way, the dot-com thing reminded me of my Grandparents' generation... or old episodes of Bewitched. Lunch for Gramps and the rest of the "Greatest Generation" consisted of a spate of hard liquor, a fatty hunk of beef and a romp with the secretary before the 7:15 train back to Cheever Country. Whenever trouble raised its hoary head, be it the loss of the big Hammersmith account — stupid fucking Darrin Stephens! — or the advent of some weird and startling hallucination, deliverance could be found in the lower right-hand corner desk drawer. O booze: balm of the soul, salve of the psyche... Hmmm. Come to think of it, maybe this being fucked up all the time may have had something to do with why the company went under.

poopdog

Then what's Suck still doing around? Huh, Mister Smart Man? Answer me that.

Um, Suck still is around isn't it? I've been on a bender this week.

Greg Knauss

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Kinda weird, ain't it, that the Web-free-for-all economy originated in SF just about the same time that other free-for-all (but boy does it cost you) event, Burning Man, was approaching its zenith. Yeah, Burning Man is free, except for the ticket price (angel investors), and all your gear (first-round funding) and costumes (second round) and all those nifty designer drugs (mezzanine round); and then, when the high has worn off (cancelled IPO), and you find yourself, sunburned, burned-out, and slightly anxious, you look back and think, "Woah. What a great time."

But you still have to clean up that damn muddy RV, and most of what you bought for the Playa went onto your credit cards.

mpesce

Plus, there's the VD shot to get, so that pretty much completes the metaphor.

Greg Knauss

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

These comments and more can be found on Plastic.


 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 



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 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
1995
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
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