The Fish
for 1 March 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 02.22.01

I like the Black Lodge Singers, thank you very much.


Why do you think we included the sound clip?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I'm not surprised the Sucksters found the creationists to be cordial. They're so eager to show off their "theories" that they can be so nice it's creepy. Check out this tale of a group of skeptics that visited the Institute for Creation Research museum. Has anyone else been to this place?


From Plastic

They're definitely a nice bunch, those creationists. And of course, they've thought of every argument, so you're really wasting your breath trying to dispute them on this or that point.

It's a very lawyerly attitude they have, actually — entirely concerned with creating reasonable doubt. They throw out so many data points that you finally get tired of assessing it, and start worrying less about whether their theory makes sense than about whether they've cast sufficient doubt over whatever theory they're against.

It works well because it's so easy to lose sight of what a theory is — an assessment based on the available data, rather than a dogma. Of course, the creationists always argue that their opponents are insufferably dogmatic; and on that they probably have a point.

Anyway, they can talk you blue in the face, and unless you're a trained paleontologist you'll never really win.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 02.21.01


For three weeks I've followed you as you've categorized, delineated, summarized and thumbnailed personality types which may or may not exist outside your odd worldview. And now you've exhaustively, obsessively, painfully, and sardonically paired these hapless archetypes for us as a way to pad your resume for your upcoming Days of Our Lives staff writer gig. But the crass, puerile public is wanting to get down to brass tacks: How's the sex?

Peter Crimmins

If I knew that, don't you think I'd already have that job at "Days of Our Lives"?

I'm really hoping the people at "Guiding Light" get back to me first, to be honest. I've got some fiery hot dialogue for Lujack's long-awaited return.

Lujack: Hello beautiful.

Beth: Oh god. Lujack! You...Is it really you?

Lujack: What does your heart tell you?

Beth: My heart tells me it's you, but my eyes say it's that middle-aged guy from the Sinutab commercials who finally got his big break by landing a role on daytime TV.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subject: Q-flavored Filler


I couldn't help but observe today's Filler (2/21/2001, for reference in case the horde of adoring fans with beautiful man-titties keep you away) work out rather well in a queer dating pattern.

For example, who can deny Mr. Jumpy and Mellow Boy would make a perfect couple? Jumpy's always afraid to speak up, Mellow Boy's doesn't care his boyfriend lacks a spine because it would, you know, ruin the mood. Together they'd develop legendary prowess at killing through amicable boredom.

Or how about The Terminator and Tough Girl? The HR agent from hell enjoys hurting her girlfriends, but little Miss Tough Girl will never show it and only lash out. Thus begins a perfect cycle of codependency that'll be promptly misunderstood and crafted into film legend.

Mr. Double Standard and The Lightweight are perfect for each other! Though the wires may not go there, so to speak, what does it really matter when The Tinkerer is open to a three-way?

Who wouldn't envy That Buddhist Guy and The Overanalyzer for getting together? After a brief 'honeymoon' where each tries in vain to undo the other's carefully constructed facade of calmness, they move onto more interactive challenges: getting their mutual friend TV Boy a date with that

Insecurity never dies, it mates for life: The Princess and Miss Jealousy were made for each other. Little Miss Half-Empty and Party Girl would be a difficult initial romance, but let's face it: after they can stand to have a five second conversation, they'll realize U-hauls and Volvos were made for relationships this unhealthy.

It's a bit of a stretch, but I could see The Control Superfreak and Little Miss Understood working out as a lesbian S&M couple. (I'm not good at lesbian imagery, so don't ask.)

John M

Did I ask?

Thank you for pointing out that all of the Men and Women to Avoid are actually gay. And they're more likable, somehow, in gay form. Why is that? Aren't all things gay more likable, ultimately?

I have a friend who recently became more firmly gay than she was before, and I like her a lot better for it. Why? I have a friend who's always been gay and even when he's a dickhead I like him much more than his less irritating straight counterparts. What can explain it?

a. The obvious allure of queer culture

b. Jealousy

c. Self-loathing

Well then, when is self-loathing NOT the explanation?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

i dunno. it's more probable that miss jealousy would end up with the terminator and the lightweight would end up with the overanalyzer. don't let gender get in your way of seeing the truly intriguing combinations.....

Dean Mathiowetz

When does gender NOT get in the way of seeing?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
[The Smoking Gun] [Net.Moguls]