The Fish
for 8 February 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]

re: Filler

I had friends who used to watch McGyver in syndication on a daily basis. It was aired just before preparing dinner and they would stop everything to sing along to the theme song. It went something like this:

" 'splosion dude, 'splosion dude, he's a-cool-a-cool-a-cool-a 'splosion dude!" (repeat)

I've yet to see an episode of McGyver.

Robert Blumstein

You made our day with that one, Robert. Please, if anyone else has made-up words to TV theme songs, send 'em our way.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
Hit & Run 02.1.01

My dear friends at Suck,

'Love child' not a racial slur, as you reported on 1/25/01. (And abused Alexia Henke about afterwards.) And Madilyn Murray O'Hair's remains were not found on a ranch in Austin, as you reported yesterday.

Her remains were found in Camp Wood Texas. I speak as probably your only reader who has been to Camp Wood. It's 90 miles from San Antonio and even a longer drive from Austin. Geographically, you might do better to try to link this O'Hair thing to the restless ghost of LBJ than to George W.

That's two outright errors in two weeks, and both of them look like fudging to support your point. Does 'Hit & Run' mean you're reckless and never look back? Are you insured?



Insurance is for pussies, Walt.

So is fact checking.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Hey Suck:

Man alive, does I appreciate the coverage of my spam.

Kudos — to you, me, even those bone-brains at

I la-la-la-la-la-la-love Suck. Pay no attention to my grumpy explosions from time to time.

And, to make a few things for once and forever clear

1. The spam was my idea of a prank that would lure, say, a Mother Jones staffer to a site full of berserk, rock-hard-right bloviations from myself and others

2. On my links page, which I am still in the process of coding (slowly, dumbly), there are a MULTITUDE of connections to "Mirror, Mirror" and the importance of the Agonizer device in various Star trek role playing games

3. Mike McPadden is dead. Or at the very least, he works for a trade paper and keeps his nose (and other parts) clean and he don't need to be associated with no more articles about porno theaters.

4. Selwyn Harris is in charge of

And everything else from now on forever and ever, amen.

Moist, sincerely,

Selwyn Harris

Grumpy explosions?!!

'Splosion dude! 'Splosion dude! he's a-cool-a-cool-a-cool-a 'Splosion dude!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


I was inspired to wage that particular spam when I received one, last week, from uber-eggheaded, thenthitive male scribe Rick Moody, who promoting his "dream come true" (oooh-gah!) collaboration with composer Meredith Monk on N.P.R.

The stomach-turning-in-a-good-way aspect was that the obviously naive gentleman poet's entire online address book was attached to the plug.

So consider: mere hours before launching my foaming, hair-yanking, groin-busting Web outpost for trash movies, pop exploitation, and pro-capital-punishment propaganda, some Powers That Am forked over to me direct access to the nattering nabobalongs of contemporary fiction's most begging-for-a-wedgie novelist.

(A while back, I snatched Moody's email addy from the Rolodex of a magazine editor friend, and sent Ice Stormed a few odd dispatches his way, at least one of which led him to the curious deduction that I was that "Soy Bomb" a-hole).

Response from the Purple Americans came so fast and funnily that I decided to continue the tactic elsewhere. Suck and the New York Post's Rod Dreher, I thought, would get the joke. is a friend of mine, and likely a bit freaked that his email address is available to bad, bad people now.

People like me and Rick Moody.

Selwyn Harris

Oooh-gah! Hard like us! Hard like me and Rick Moody! Doesn't take much to wriggle your way into the coolio scene these days, does it? Time was you had to have a trust fund, come from elite Manhattan lineage, and drink yourself sick just to write sentences like that last one. No longer!

You're a real rebel, boy. We're hot with envy and lust for you.

You truly deserve the exalted title of 'Splosion Dude!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


I find it odd that Alexa's reference to suck says, "Products Related to Star Trek."

I think I would kill myself if the associated browsing of four million people combined with the analysis of my site led to those five puny words.

Good luck,

John Bresee

Maybe you would kill yourself, but we would get a strange tingle in the nether regions. That's because we're hard, man! You wish you were hard like us! Hard like me and Meredith Monk!



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Dear Polly,

Thanks for today's very funny Filler. I think I'll go get me a sweet little WWJD bracelet and walk around fucking shit up and getting everyone drunk.

By the way, I like your foxy new red sweater. It's got a hood! I'm a sucker for sweaters with hoods.

Oh P.E. P.E. won't you smile for me,

Sharren Bates

It's a sweatshirt. I'm wearing it right now.

What are you wearing?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Polly —

Do the links in today's Filler reveal the true source of your newfound divine perspective: the holy word of Tim Rice? If so, right on. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat encapsulates all the important Old Testament lessons (family is destiny and God plays favorites), and Evita sharpens you up for when the Dice are Rolling and the Knives are Out.

Don't ask me what Chess teaches us — I dropped out of seminary.


The word of Chess sayeth: "Wasn't it good? Wasn't he fine? Isn't it madness? He won't be mine!" I think Bjorn and Benny from ABBA actually collaborated on those lyrics. No, I'm not kidding. Ok, so those lyrics are a little cheesy, but that's a great song. Plus, can you imagine, Tim Rice and Bjorn and Benny, collaborating? Talk about a serious meeting of some of my earliest influences! I'll bet the security that day was pretty high. What a powerful collection of minds under one roof!

Knowing me, knowing you,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Hey if John Coltrane can do it, why not? Because according to basically all the other religions I am going to Hell, I'd be your first Apostle.

Here are some Sample Commandments, Tell me what you think?

1) Thou shall not kill, unless you have a really good reason, you can successful hide the body, or they were in between you and your Latte.

2) Thou shall not steal....from me.

3) Thou shall not commit adultery, unless your spouse doesn't do it for you anymore, or if the neighbor's spouse is simply hotter.

4) Thou shall not lie, unless you're incredibly entertaining or incredibly good at it.

5) Honor thy Father and Mother, but just enough to keep them from visiting.

6) Keep the Sabbath every day you feel like it, you need to watch TV all day and eat Ho-hos.

OK now I'm really going to Hell. All I need is my hairnet and nametag.

Silly Girl

Hmm. If you're really going to hell, it seems like you might also need a hand basket.

What the fuck IS a hand basket anyway?

Some kind of fucked up basket they use in hell, I guess.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Hey Polly,

What's with all the thees and thous, and knoweths and believeths in Filler? Christ was a Jew, not a student of Shakespeare.


Ever heard of the King James version, genius?

Taketh that!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.
[The Smoking Gun] [Net.Moguls]