The Fish
for 1 February 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 01.25.01

I though my friend carlie made it clear we don't like no more Canadian cracks anymore. Can you talk more about about Quebec? We're different than them you know, we are the only purveyors of culture in Canada which, Toronto being the prime example, only tries to imitate the US. Look at Montreal I say! The streets, the people, the atmosphere, the poutine! When are you going to showcase the poutine, a Quebec creation if there ever was one. Here are my poutine links. It is a dish to be enjoyed with a nice vin maison, a la maison.

Signed, lonely in T.O,

Eric Delisle

Well, Eric, here at Suck it's not one of our top priorities to showcase the poutine. If you'd like to showcase the poutine, we want to strongly encourage you to follow that calling. However, if we went around making the showcasing of poutine our top priority, well then, we'd hardly have time for much other, much useful and interesting pursuits, like writing lengthy, rambling articles rich with Canadian cracks (mmm, nicely put, huh?) and answering fascinating letters like yours.

Chez ass,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

You might want to note that "Thermos" is a brand name and a far superior product to the Aladdin vacuum container. Growing up on the industrial coast of Connecticut, it was a source of local pride that the company known in those days as "King-Seeley Thermos Co." was headquartered in nearby Norwich (the town that also gave us Benedict Arnold). Aladdin was merely a pale imitation of the real Thermos, and carrying an Aladdin to school marked you as hopelessly declassé.

The Thermos Company website offers an extensive corporate history section.


Animal J. Smith, NYC

Animal! Hey, we've been meaning to track you down. Our band really needs a drummer, and we think the chops you showed back in your years playing with Mr. Teeth are mighty impressive. Gotta cut the hair, though, dude, we're going for a post-punk industrial electronica meets Tribeca hip look, and the stringy long red locks don't quite jibe.

Send your rep's number, pronto.

The Meat Muppets

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Oh, you crazy Sucksters. I've never considered "love child" to be a racial slur. To me, it's always meant a "child born out of wedlock." gives me a few definitions, including a reference to Jane Austen, but nothing to do with race. Whoever decided that they needed to make this a racial thing should perhaps think again. When I saw the word "pickaninny" pop up on my monitor, I almost spit bottled water all over it. This is a stretch, guys. I think the first perpetrator of derogatory remarks about this case is Suck, plain and simple. Talk about finding fire where there's no smoke.

Alexia C. Henke

Oops. We meant to pull the article titled "Alexia C. Henke Considers 'Love Child' Racial Slur" until we spoke with you. Sorry.

Your mention of spitting bottled water on the word "pickaninny" makes us slightly uncomfortable, though. Today it's the word, sure, but that's just where it begins — tomorrow, you'll be spitting on an actual person. A human being, Alexia. Maybe you think certain human beings aren't good enough for you, just like regular old tap water isn't good enough for you.

And don't go using the word "perpetrator" just so we'll think that you're "down".

When your ass is on fire, smoke gets in your eyes,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 01.24.01

Dear Polly.

Or, you could apply for the position of office manager here at sophisticated market research. Our current office manager, Latifa Kott, is being fired for failing to do the job. (She seems unaware of this, being a cat and all, but yes...she's being fired.) The job is undemanding, requiring only that you answer the phones and not sleep in the laser printer, but she seems unable to perform either of these tasks.

So, if YOU can answer phones and not sleep in a laser printer, apply today. Pay is poor, but working conditions are excellent, you get two corporate credit cards (the cat had credit cards, why not you?), nobody is expected to be functional before 10:00, and we use only the best Zabar's coffee in the coffee machine.

Don't wait...the job is going to be filled fast. Call Latifa; if she answers, she'll give you all the details.

Alan Kornheiser


I spoke with your feline assistant, and I can see why you're replacing her. She was a really insolent to me on the phone, acting like she didn't understand my questions, and totally mispronouncing my name. In fact, she called me. Did you give her my number? There was this long, awkward pause before she spoke, and a beep, like she was recording the call. She tried to find out stuff about me, but wouldn't tell me anything about why she was calling. Finally she got all nervous and thought of an excuse — she pretended she was calling from Citibank! Tell her I see right through her little ploy.

Anyway, are either of those corporate credit cards Citibank, because Latifa mentioned that they have this Travel Lover's program where I charge hotel rooms and dinners onto the corporate card (I'll pay you back, I promise) and the company gets 25% off! I bet you never thought you'd find an office manager as proactive as this one, huh? I'm already saving you money, and you haven't either hired me yet!

Oh, but I don't answer phones, and I'd prefer you put in some kind of a daybed for my naps, as the laser printer isn't quite as squishy and soft as I would like. That won't be a problem, will it?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


As the most sensical female in my little corner of the pop culture universe, I want your opinion on things. My new girlfriend has lots and lots of male friends, some of them are ex-boyfriends, some are ex one night stands. Some of them just friends with no overt sexual history to speak of. But they're all guys. And she goes out drinking with them. And drunk people do things that they might not otherwise do if they weren't drunk... I'm sure her friends are all nice guys, and I know she doesn't want to cheat on me, but really... males, female, alcohol, mix liberally... sounds like a recipe for things that I don't want to happen.

So am I just an insecure little sniveling boy with man-titties? Or is she going to bring to fruition all that my mind fears most?

"Trust" ... bah!


Trust is pretty overrated, you're right. You can't just will yourself to trust someone, and if you can, you're quite possibly a good candidate for a swift kick in the soft, unguarded regions. As a distrustful jealous type like yourself, I generally try to break out my flirtation litmus test early on, to get a feeling for how much flirty winky wink behavior my special little love oppressor engages in with the appropriate (in this case, opposite) sex. But it's also very important to figure out the exact flavor of the attentions given. After all, we all like good listeners who make eye contact and act like we're the center of the universe, right? So, is it really fair to complain when our little love muffins trot out self-same behavior for someone far less deserving and delectable than ourselves? My current little love sadist is quite earnest and direct in manner, leading many wanton sluts to the false conclusion that he thinks they're more than just quirky roadside fruit stands to my megamall of delights.

In the early days, this raised my hackles. But then I noticed how my darling oppressor didn't feed these sad sluts' delusions in any way. Which was important. He also seemed just as intense when talking to men, and he didn't seem to get an overly dramatic ego buzz out of being around attentive women.

It's important to get a read on how hungry your little demon friend is for attention from these men. How much does her ego depend on their fawning and and frolicking with her? We all need some fawning and frolicking, and we all have dependent, hungry egos. But some egos just want a snack and others will eat and eat and never feel satiated.

If your girlfriend seems to really relish the attention these foul pig-dogs lavish on her (of course, it will always SEEM like she relishes it, given your perspective — get someone else to observe for you) then you have to ask yourself if she's just the first tragic betrayal of your short life waiting to happen. Tragic betrayals are tough to get over, too, especially for distrustful jealous types like us.

So, is her ego slightly hungry, or is it bulimic?

Also, does she have any female friends at all? I'm not saying I don't have lots of male friends myself, but the healthiest man-centric women have a few female friends in their arsenals. If she doesn't have one, your problems with her will stretch far beyond jealousy issues, I guarantee it.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Fuckin A,

Have you just gone through this in the past few months? You really have all of the stages down except for one- the feeling of getting hired. It goes pretty much like this for me:

Them: "You're hired- start Monday"

Me: "Yay!" (pause two seconds) "Damn!"

Being out of work is really fun until the money starts to run out. I should know. I was too stupid to get on unemployment otherwise I could have rode it out for a few more weeks.


Too stupid to get on unemployment, but not too stupid to find a job?

That's it. I'm selling my Avaya stock right now...


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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