The Fish
for 26 January 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Saving Private Cheney

I maintain that there are two nationalities that one can mock relentlessly without fear of repercussions: the Belgians and the Welsh. After all, what are they gonna do, capitulate and write a touching story about it? In the world of political correctness, it's good to know that you can insult a people without reproach. Canadians, on the other hand, can be insulted mercilessly, but you'll have to deal with a slew of emails afterward... simply not worth it. Belgians and the Welsh are where it's at.

Fuck chocolate and rarebit,

Mark Anderson

Well, as Suck's Hit & Run column "The Hate Trick" recently pointed out, there really are no repercussions for bigots anymore if you play your cards right. But we weren't really making fun of Belgians, Mark — we reserved our ire for one man, Gung Ho Dick Cheney — and for that the consequences could be dire indeed.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Wonder how many people went to 'Nam so Bill could stay home. Any info on that ??


If I have people comparing Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton on ethical grounds I've made my point. When Dubya's spin is that he "gave the impression" of telling the truth about his drunk driving, and Cheney can rewrite his draft history before Congress, then the definition of "is" is still up grabs.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I've only recently acquired a DvD player, and am very willing to purchase a copy of your formidable tale of triumph and fortitude in the face of overwhelming privilege, perhaps two — provided the funding goes to the underdog Bush campaign. I, too, was unable to serve in Vietnam, being too young at the time.

But now that Cheney has taken the Vice-Helm of the Nation, he'll certainly give us the opportunity to go off and die in his stead. Remember, if we can just get ten more barrels of oil a day out of the Middle East (and possibly Alaska), we can increase Bush's stock by a thirtieth of a point over twenty years, ensuring a powerful Bush Dynasty for years to come.

Fight for the cause, brothers!


For a less eloquent follow-up to "Saving Private Cheney" you should've tuned in to C-SPAN last Friday as the Vice-President elect gave an inaugural salute to America's vets.

The surviving members of "Cheney's Boys" — Jones and Mr. Tet, the talking tiger — were planning to protest, until Tet's love child was revealed in the tabloids ("Kitty Litters in Three States!"). And Jones, who long ago changed his name to Sgt. Mumia X, has lost faith in his former mentor and was silently protesting. He's the one with fist raised and wearing the green, black, and red American Legion cap.

Apparently, all of official Washington is in such a tizzy over our l'il ol strip that Cheney is expected to come out swinging. He's angry, smart, powerful, and, unfortunately, not heeding his cardiologist's advice to back off. Terry Colon and I can look forward to some nice IRS audits come April 15. But Suck doesn't pay that much anyway.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Hit & Run 01.18.01

Thanks for shooting down Traffic. I wrote a more or less similar review for our alt-weekly (, y'all -- Knoxville, Tennessee), and our arts editor promptly got an angry call from the PR company that had arranged our press screening (and taken out big ads in our paper). "But this film is going to be nominated for Best Picture!" the flack spluttered. Yes, yes, it is. It might even win. But it's still a bad fusion of The French Connection, Reefer Madness, and an after-school special. (Courtesy of the guys who brought us "thirtysomething," so really, what do you expect?) Anyway, I was feelin' mighty lonely in my disenchantment until I read your piece.

Also, one of our other contributors is executive producer of "City Confidential" on A&E, and he was, to put it mildly, very happy with your recent write-up. He said something like, "Finally, somebody got it!" So thanks for getting it.

Jesse Fox Mayshark Knoxville, TN


Thanks for your kind words, Jesse. Good to hear from the folks in Knoxville, or as City Confidential's Paul Winfield would call it, "Knoxville: a neighborly town perched at the headwaters of the Tennessee river, the kind of place where a weekend getaway may involve cheering for the University of Tennessee Vols, taking a nature walk at Cades Cove, or boating on one of the 'Great Lakes' in the shadow of the Smokey Mountains... But a different kind of shadow was about to fall on Knoxville, and this once-friendly berg was headed for a rendezvous with murder..."


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I thot TRAFFIC sucked too. The glittering reviews for it are incredulous. Has none of these people ever done any drugs? Apparently, not.

I've smoked crack and done cocaine but I don't end up sleeping with my dealer.

You can read two reviews of it here.

The first is mine and the second is Motel Todd's.

Anti-Hero Art

Incredulous, A.H.A.!

Can you give us your dealer's number? He sounds like a really reasonable business guy!

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


Hi.  I don't know where you guys are getting your info, but that bit about allowing in high school drop-outs for the first time since WWII is way off base.  I dropped out of high school just before the end of the 11th grade in 1975, and was in the Army 10 days later.  I had a lot of company in the post-Vietnam volunteer Army.  And in 1980, the year I came back in, there was a huge deal in the media about the fact that just over 50 percent of new recruits had scored in mental category 4 (the zone just above moron).  I was stationed in a training unit that year, and I can assure you diplomas were optional. 

Allowing in only high school grads is a relatively recent phenomenon for the Army, one I believe was made possible only by the fact the drawdown.  Even then, I knew recruiters who told me there were waivers to be had for promising people (those who scored well on the tests) without the diploma.  As a high school drop out who got his GED, his BA and his MA while in the Army, I've always been for letting in drop outs.  Wading through all the required years of a public education doesn't seem to me to be a wonderful predictor of success in the military.  If it did, our officer corps would be perfect, and I don't think they're there yet.

I'm also forced to wonder if you really understand the nature of articles in publications like the "Army Logistician."  I could go into that quite a bit (I was a journalist at Fort Eustis, the Army transportation center), but let's just say that for various reasons, I believe Gen. Shinseki (sp?) has a better grasp on the possibilities than you give him credit for.  Besides, one of the fundamental parts of leadership in the military is to get people to achieve a vision they thought was impossible.  It happens all the time.  In fact, I was around logisticians during Desert Storm, and they were quite proud of how they were able to move a hell of a lot more stuff a hell of lot more quickly than the official doctrine (written by people like the colonel who wrote that article) said was possible.  Doing the impossible is what the Yanks in the American Army have been famous for your decades, if not centuries.  Ask around.  Look it up.

Anyway, it was a thought-provoking article. 


joe f.

Maybe you're right about the high school part. I just remember helping some guy I worked with do his written Army aptitude test. There were some toughies on there: There were a couple "How many times would you have to fold this shape to make a cube" questions and some "X number of people got off the bus at the next stop" riddles. Nothing about the friction coefficient of 18th century troops relative to 20th century troops, strangely enough.

As for that doing-the-impossible business, I think any manager will agree that defying possibility is not the kind of thing a smart leader plans for.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

We get the picture — you and some other high-profile humor/commentary/news/whatever sites slashdotted together a new blog. Quit hitting us over the head with it!   Get back to the regular programming (or are we to assume we're only halfway through "Whore Plastic Week"?).   Any news on procuring the rights to that line from the "The Graduate?"

Maybe I'm just jealous we didn't get an invite to the party...   Sniff.   Later.  



What party?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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