The Fish
for 22 January 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Free At Last

Bartel, I start with the usual disclaimer about being a dinosaur.

You mention that people complained about the original Suck layout, but it had nothing on Wired Magazine #1. At least your text was linear and not printed on a varying backgrounds which often rendered it invisible.

Long ago, I was a dilettante student of Chinese and found I could cope with printing left-to-right, right-to-left, and top-to-bottom (with columns going either to the left or right) reasonably easily. But Wired broke my spirit. I note that famous backpage dyslexic Negroponte wouldn't put up with that shit for his words.

It looks like it might be easier to follow "plastic" than "slashdot". At least you have the front page text indented on the followup page so I can figure out where to start reading.

On the other hand, there is a lot of complaining about reality based TV shows. I think that displaying the comments of irreflective guffins in a nice web page layout is not much different.

If micropayments worked, it would be great to charge for a posting. You could even pay more to end up at the top of the feedback list. Now there's a revenue model that could rejuvenate the dot-economy.

Ned Kittlitz

While there probably are people out there who would pay to post, you'd probably have to pay people to read their postings.

And personally, we can't get enough of irreflective guffins complaining about reality-based TV shows.

Reasonably easy,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

A few months ago, I started telling people about and I discovered that they liked it. I told some more, and they liked it, too. Soon I started telling people who I wanted to have sex with about, which means I used as a means to assist in getting laid.

I don't say it worked, but the fact is I did this. And to be fair, there are still enough irons still in the fire to resist concluding that it HASN'T worked, either. It may work as soon as this weekend.

Point being: I know it's tough to grind out those ironic diatribes day after day for those of us in the "overmass". Just letting you know how much we appreciate it, and (in my case) appropriate it. You can't say it's a thankless task anymore.

One other thing: it might be more convenient for me if you could find a way to have suck come out in water-soluble pill form. Could you get to work on this?

Bryan Sacks

Um, I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for those irons to heat up, Bryan. is not recommended as a means to assist in getting laid, and is, in fact, not approved for this use in 32 states.

We don't have any hard data to back up our assertions, but our anecdotal evidence on the subject amounts to this: being associated with has prevented most of us from getting laid for several years now.

And, while we appreciate the free word-of-mouth, we're not entirely sure you're helping our PR campaign by namedropping whilst busting a move. It might be more convenient for us if you could try to keep our publication out of your sexual conquests in the future.

On the other hand, how much would you be willing to pay for Suck in a convenient pill form? We don't have a pill just yet, but our castles made of sand are certainly water-soluble.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I would rather shoot myself then hear what a 12 year-old from Vermont has to say about the depth of emotion evidenced by Pope John Paul's slow slide into senility or some other crap.

If this is what it takes to continue with my daily dose of bitterness then well I guess we all have something else to write in our collective dark journals at night.

I hope that the daily updates can still be accessed at

Screw punctuation and spelling. I'm pissed.

Rich Robinson

Um, did you find a comment somewhere by a 12 year-old from Vermont who has things to say about the depth of emotion evidenced by Pope John Paul's slow slide into senility? Because, uh, that sounds kind of amusing.

Don't go punctuating when you're angry, Rich. It's dangerous.

Staring emptily into our collective dark refrigerators,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Yuck! You've sold out to the corporate "we ripped this off from a Microsoft product" look as well as going for the oldest, lamest possible source of content: your readers. I don't want a bunch of lousy message board crapola! I want a bunch of well-researched poorly formatted crapola!

Robert St. James

We sold out years ago, Robert, and thanks to that, you'll continue getting your well-researched poorly formatted crapola on a daily basis. So quit yer whining.

Oldest and lamest crapola in the business,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Say it ain't so. One of Suck's best features was that it didn't take too much feedback from the audience. Why is it that every news show must now have a five-minute segment that allows viewers to call in and air their opinions — if I want to know what Bob down the street thinks, I'll knock on his door and ask him? In the entire history of the written word, has anyone EVER had their mind changed due to a letter to the editor? (with the exceptions of those times that you originally agreed with the letter writer, but switch sides just so you didn't have to think about how similar you might be to him/her.) Weren't even the most painful parts of Dennis Miller's Monday Night Football commentary 1000 times better than the best call he's ever gotten from the audience to his HBO show?

Sure the writers at Suck might not always be on target, but there is only one of them a day, and it's simple enough to separate the wheat and chaff. Just because you have to slog through the pain of reading umpteen horrid unsolicited submissions doesn't mean you should make us suffer the same fate.

(Please ignore the fact that this is itself a letter to the editor. I promise never to do it again)

Steven Kiefer

Well, there are different levels of interactivity here. There's the daily piece, which is one writer dictating that which the many shall read and ruminate for the day. Then there's the Fish page, where a few select letters to the editor, like yours, are published with a thoughtful response, like this one. Then there's Plastic, where readers are free to discuss crap with writers and so forth and so on.

There are people who will appreciate the first level but ignore the other two. There are people who will appreciate all three levels. There are people who will spend the day thoughtfully picking their noses, then drive out to El Pollo Loco for a 3-piece chicken meal with a side of BBQ beans. Maybe you don't like BBQ beans.Maybe you used to think that one of the best features of El Pollo Loco was that it only offered pinto beans, and didn't foist those awful BBQ beans on you like they did everywhere else. Maybe if you wanted BBQ beans, you'd go to the Safeway and buy some. Frankly, we couldn't care less.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Tales From the Cache

Hey! Who told you guys you could post caricatures of me on your web site??!!

(Refer to this.)


Erik Rader

Dear Pork Yr Mom,

As well you should be, using double question marks and exclamation points like the fat fucking smelly slob that you are. Don't you know that there's an energy crisis going on in California? That puppets have been banned in the land of the free? That Hilary Clinton just had John Ashcroft's love child, who's being babysat by Jesse Jackson's mistress in California, where there's an energy crisis?

Count the things that matter. And pay the insults forward.


Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I laughed.

The guy looks just like me.

e smith

No he doesn't. He looks just like porkyourmom. And for the record, it was a woman in those pictures.


Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Kudos on the work at home column, captured 2 friends of mine are brilliant, don't you ever change.

Jeanni Bolte

Dear Jeanni,

2 friends, hmm, whose names just happen to be e smith and pokyrmom? What kind of fucking grift is this? Mr. M doesn't play these kinds of game, dammit. As Al Gore III told that Tarheel traffic cop a few months back, "I'm BRILLIANT, I WON'T EVER CHANGE! And when my dad is president of the United States, you're getting transferred to the crossing guard division."


Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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