The Fish
for 11 January 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]

We Love Our President

I think is a great site, that gives news in a more straightforward perspective, that leaves out the bullshit that any other website, or news column would.

I think suck should give a tribute to our much beloved out-going president, silly Billy...

Don't we owe the big lying bastard that much? I mean the entire sex scandal thing gave us allot of laughs, and since the old guy is on his way out, why not honor him and his whole cabinet for their much esteemed leadership? (*CwOaUcGoH*)

I mean, don't we owe them that much?...

(have fun with that idea...)

- Billy Pelfrey (suck reader for 2 years)

Thanks, Billy. Since some time in 1999, Suck has been trying to compose or commission a send-off worthy of Bill Clinton, but unfortunately nothing we've seen has met the exacting standards we feel a leader of Bill Clinton's stature deserves. This goes for both submissions we've received and articles we've read elsewhere. At this stage we've pretty much given up hope of his ever receiving a fitting tribute — and we refuse to serve him anything but the best. Bill Clinton is just such a gigantic figure in American history that to treat him to tired japery or standard cheapjack political hagiography, as if he were merely another Ronald Reagan or Gerald Ford, seems like an insult. All of which tends to confirm something we've suspected for some time — that a puny country like the United States could never really have measured up to a towering leader like Bill Clinton.

Conan O'Brien wrote a pretty funny Clinton eulogy. Beyond that, we'll just count ourselves blessed to have had these eight years.

BarTel d'Arcy

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
Hit & Run 01.4.01

"We're all in the gutter press, but some of us are looking at the stars!"

Polly, Peter Bagge, and lines like this are why I spend far too much of my time at your site every day, instead of being productive.

Who knows what I could have accomplished by now if it weren't for you?

One of us has got to go,

John Harvey

Who knows, indeed? By now you might have made it onto the Irving Library's employee Wall of Fame, perhaps more than once! Right now, instead of reading a bunch of lazy news riffs in Hit & Run, you could be doing some speed shelving in the 300's. Every minute you spend chuckling at Filler is a minute you could have spent getting the Gov Docs section straightened out. Next time you're waiting for the fourteenth page of a Bagge feature to load, the good people of Irving will be waiting for you to explain why Fort Worth: Our History, Our People isn't on the shelf.

Better stick with Suck.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Greetings form the sticks.

It should be greater Caddo/Bossier/Desoto PARISH area.

I guess if I'm still here 15 years after coming for the grit of sand to start my oyster (shit, you said it so much better) and I still here, I'm fucked, right?

Chris Frink
Westside bureau chief
The (Baton Rouge) Advocate


Don't take it so hard, Chris. There's not a man-jack of us who hasn't dreamed of heading down to some quiet parish in the Sportsman's Paradise and whiling away our careers in a haze of whiskey, crawdaddies and spot reporting on bloody automobile accidents. Color us green with envy!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 01.3.01

When did you work at Gorin's? Are we talking about the same little ice cream chain in Atlanta? My family used to go to the one in Buckhead about twice a week. I still remember filling out those contest cards to pick the store's new name when that bastard "other Steve" from Boston sued the hell out of them.

BWT, I'm a Libra and I'm pretty pissed about my horoscope for this year. What really bites is that this sounds exactly like the way 2000 went. And if I have another fucking repeat of last year's descent-into-soap-opera-madness I may have to forsake all my material possessions, move to India, and become an ascetic monk. Monk food is kind of lame, and the damn Hindus won't let you eat the occasional hamburger, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about chicks or the stock market.

On the other hand, maybe I could smuggle myself into Tibet and hang out with the Tantrics. Enlightenment through unyielding, overwhelming indulgence sounds like my kind of religion. Then again, the Dalai Lama is SO 1994.

Marshall Yount

I worked at Gorin's in Durham, NC in 1986. It was my first job. I fattened up and met my first boyfriend, Ian. He dumped me for this blonde named Tanya shortly thereafter. I was heartbroken. I mean, we both really liked RUSH, it was so obvious we were meant to be together.

Anyway. I can't think of anything wiser than forsaking your material possessions and moving to India. At least read The Book by Alan Watts. Sure, he killed himself, what did he know, blah blah blah. It's a good book. Buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia, some Minute Maid lemonade, the new PJ Harvey album, and come home from work every night and run 2 miles, then read and eat ice cream. But not tonight — tonight you have to skip the run so you have time to tune into "Temptation Island" — you know, Survivor meets Baywatch. Is this a great time or what?



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I just have to tell you that I think you are best. I've been reading your stuff every day now for the past 3 years and you've never let me down. Thanks for brightening the day.

Neil Cashman

I've never let you down? I don't buy that for a second. Surely there were some slow Wednesdays in the summer of 1997. I distinctly recall a Filler where Wink Martindale, a martian, and a hipster engage in banter on par with your typical episode of "Full House."

Thanks for lying through your teeth, nonetheless. I love to see people lie for my sake. I find it extremely comforting. Even more comforting than when people pick fights for my sake, or lose sleep over me.

Your magical princess,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Just a shot in the dark here, but could you tell me where SUCK is stationed at, and how to get hired? College is over, child is growing, and my sanity is melting away in this household. Any direction you could point me in would be grateful, or you could just post me in filler sometime this year and I would be just as grateful. Surely you could at least spare some change?

Love and kisses,

Stefan Walz - Full time D.A.D.

Suck is stationed at the center of the universe. Getting hired by Suck is well-nigh impossible, since they've done more firing than hiring for 5 years running. There are only a handful of us left, and we're not about to let go of our exalted positions just because you need cash for Pampers.

Does anyone out there have a job for this nice young Daddy?

Proud to do my patriotic chore,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I live for Wednesdays.

I recently moved to NY from SF and I thought I'd share some thoughts with you.

They don't have those yummy roast beef deli sandwiches w/the horseradish here like they do there, goddamnit.

Also, the weed out here sucks and it's really, really expensive. Not to mention that it's like, a REALLY big deal if you get high at any point of your day, let alone before a meeting (it goes without saying that there is no agency bong for use). Maybe, just maybe, someone will break out a pipe at some party and think they're really cutting loose and everyone around them will giggle conspiratorially and when the pipe finally gets to you it's the fucking dust of some seed-ridden Puerto Rican tumble weed. The funny thing is, everyone is so uptight that I think they could seriously benefit from consistent marijuana use.

Then there's the weather.

But, not all is bad. For example, the cabs are cheaper!

I love you.


I love you too, Matt, although I prefer not to touch you.

At least in New York you won't end up fucking your best friend's boyfriend by accident because there are only about 5 straight men with brains in their heads and meat on their bones in the whole fucking town. Speaking of which, my ex-boyfriend Jake's movie, Haiku Tunnel, is playing at Sundance, so look for it in a movie theater near you, God and distributors willing.

Anyway: San Francisco. Enough already. I fucking hate the weather in SF — no extremes, just endless days of being chilled to the bone with no reprieve in sight. Sure, there are tons of interesting women and great restaurants. The coffee is very strong. Sometimes when the fog rolls in it's sort of romantic. But what good does that do us? I said I wasn't going to touch you. Besides, who needs strong pot in NYC? What do you want to do, get hit by a cab? Go over to Jimmy's Corner on 42nd between 6th and Broadway (I think) and have a few beers and you'll forget about stupid slouchy nights sucking up bong hits in the Mission with your juvenile friends in no time.

Cheaper in NYC,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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