The Fish
for 8 January 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Remembering 2000

So true. At least you Sucksters can't complain, living as you are now, deep in your underground bunker. Do you eat just canned food, or do you have greenhouses and animals being bred and slaughtered? Dymertk massacred the provisional government's forces at the Bay Bridge, so I think he's your new warlord now. 2001 hasn't been that bad. The only moment when I got worried was when it looked like the rapture was taking place. But it turns out Jupiter was the one true God, and nobody got lifted up to bliss. We all had a good laugh after that. The sky's not dark anymore, but the hordes of cloned sheep and the climate change weren't forgiving. Everything looks like the Australian outback now. I'd go visit your territory, but I don't have enough 80's hair gel to bribe the roving biker gangs that control the highways. I'll stay here for a while. One of the SUV's you customarily mocked turned out to be an amazingly good shelter. Human sacrifices aside, I'm sure things will get back to normal soon. America's innocence will stick its cold, zombie hand out of the ground and climb triumphantly out of its grave.

Happy New Year!

Humberto Moreira

Let's face it: America lost its innocence back when Johnny Hart outed himself as a four-panel Jack Van Impe, intent on clouding our minds with pseudo-creationist notions that dinosaurs and humans co-existed in prehistoric times. After that, we never again knew what to believe.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Sir or Madam,

Beck,dot com millionaires and SUVs do not a nation make.Let them slip into the anal abyss of our modern culture and let us eagerly await their equally appealing offsprings.

Face it,things will suck for a long time to come.

You saw right through us! We were making the whole thing up. But you see, things were never the same for us after Four Non-Blondes did that dance remix of "What's Goin' On?" How could you trust anybody after that?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

This week has been more than a little disappointing. But at least you're not just recycling old material like most media outlets. Thank you for making some sort of gesture at effort. And kiss Polly for me when the ball drops, or whatever happens at midnight over on that coast.


Ben Schwabe

But didn't the real disappointment come years ago, when you realized that House Party 3 really was Kid 'n' Play's last work together? Once they made House Party 4: Down to the Last Minute without the legendary twosome, it was pretty clear some unwritten contract had been forever broken.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Power Vacuum

One of the best ever...

Regina Liszanckie

Dear Regina,

Ah, me public. While so many of the little people spend the holidays with their self-basting heads in the oven, I just bask in the marinade that is soothing, though patently false and misguided, accolades.


Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subj That darned economy

Dear Mr. Mx,

I fully expect the unexpectedly sharp jolt to the economy to deepen as the xmas sales numbers are tallied. Reporting on the deepening recession and the inevitable bickering of talking heads casting blame this way and that (i.e., "Bush "talked" us into this recession!") will take the place of the recent news that election results are a bit less accurate than pre-election polling. Shoddy media analysis to the contrary, these little election snafus could easily be prevented with authenticated voting online. I'm expecting to wake up with the mark of the beast on my forehead any day now.

Still looking to the television for vapid and vacuous experiences,

Richard Banks

Dear Richard,

Expecting TV to deliver your V&VE quotient is *so* 20th century I can barely stand to answer. But I will: the problem isn't with authenticated voting but with voting in general. Never having "voted" for a winning candidate I can assure that these things are every bit as much decided in advance as NFL games or the Golden Globes.

Color me new year's blue,

Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

[Contacting Us]
[Contributors Index]
[Barrel] [Net.Moguls]
[The Smoking Gun] [Suck-o-matic]
[Link To Tech Notes]