The Fish
for 4 January 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]

Martin Lawrence vs. Suck:
This time it's personal

why are are you guys making fun of all these actors like Martin Lawrence. I mean you guys make him sound like he's bigheaded and stuck up.and i know he's not like that cause i know him...personally he's the nicest person you ever want to meet. i know he'll be hurt if he new all you guys was making up all these lies.if you ask me i think martin is a comic genius... just like is friend eddie.


Listen, Ranee, if Martin has a beef with the way Suck's treating him, he ought to take it up with us like a man, instead of sending supporters like you and Manajhjanihe Royalle to fight his little battles for him. If you must know, we're down on Martin because Tisha Campbell writes for Suck under the alias "Mrs. Groper." That and the fact that he's a no-talent, water-retaining slob and a clear and present danger to both air travelers and LA drivers.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
They Saved Cheney's Heart

blow dogs you lazy fucks..

one pice of shit page w/ a WHOO HOOO anamaited .gif ! like, how fucking cheezebag is that on a scale of turd? youve outdone your selves yet again...... can't wait to see alan kornholers response. at least he uses big words. i hope you poop your pants at your crappy new years party and all your so called friends laugh and point and snicker ..... and then poop themselves and someone else takes photoes and shows your fat (so fat she has a tattoo of world war one on her fat greasy left buttcheek) ugly mamma ... all the kids in the office hate you. i could go on and on but dont feel so hot today. you are a herd of tossers!


You kiss your mother with that mouth, Power? Maybe you can get away with that kind of talk in Spain, but this is a family publication. Shape up!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I've used the name "Big Time" to refer to Mr. Cheney with my friends for some time now. I'm very glad that other sources have come up with it, as well. We must work to insert this wonderful tidbit into American Society-at-Large.

Keep up the good work!


Stanley Jones, Graphic and Web Designer Purdue University

p.s. It's kinda funny how I read the articles/cartoons almost everyday and, while they provide considerable substance to my life (sad, I know), felt moved to respond only when you used the same funny nickname as I do.

Stanley Jones

Whoa, coincidence alert! Not only that, but when we eat chicken, it's always Perdue. And isn't that the final irony of life? Isn't it?


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

One or some of you Suckstes must be from my home town. If the rest of the world didn't get the Franklin Institute reference then scew 'em!

I had thought that Dick Cheney's heart problems stemmed from the fact that he didn't have one. Thanks for proving me wrong.


It's true, Suck has a long connection to the City of Brotherly Love. You should see us in our feathery costumes from the Mummers' "fancy" competition.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Power Vacuum

One of the best ever...

Regina Liszanckie

Dear Regina,

Ah, me public. While so many of the little people spend the holidays with their self-basting heads in the oven, I just bask in the marinade that is soothing, though patently false and misguided, accolades.


Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subj That darned economy

Dear Mr. Mx,

I fully expect the unexpectedly sharp jolt to the economy to deepen as the xmas sales numbers are tallied. Reporting on the deepening recession and the inevitable bickering of talking heads casting blame this way and that (i.e., "Bush "talked" us into this recession!") will take the place of the recent news that election results are a bit less accurate than pre-election polling. Shoddy media analysis to the contrary, these little election snafus could easily be prevented with authenticated voting online. I'm expecting to wake up with the mark of the beast on my forehead any day now.

Still looking to the television for vapid and vacuous experiences,

Richard Banks

Dear Richard,

Expecting TV to deliver your V&VE quotient is *so* 20th century I can barely stand to answer. But I will: the problem isn't with authenticated voting but with voting in general. Never having "voted" for a winning candidate I can assure that these things are every bit as much decided in advance as NFL games or the Golden Globes.

Color me new year's blue,

Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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