The Fish
for 29 December 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
[Suck Staff]
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff
Publisher

 
 
 
 
[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Power Vacuum

One of the best ever...

Regina Liszanckie
<rliszanckie@organizationalresearch.com>

Dear Regina,

Ah, me public. While so many of the little people spend the holidays with their self-basting heads in the oven, I just bask in the marinade that is soothing, though patently false and misguided, accolades.

Yrs,

Mr. M

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Subj That darned economy

Dear Mr. Mx,

I fully expect the unexpectedly sharp jolt to the economy to deepen as the xmas sales numbers are tallied. Reporting on the deepening recession and the inevitable bickering of talking heads casting blame this way and that (i.e., "Bush "talked" us into this recession!") will take the place of the recent news that election results are a bit less accurate than pre-election polling. Shoddy media analysis to the contrary, these little election snafus could easily be prevented with authenticated voting online. I'm expecting to wake up with the mark of the beast on my forehead any day now.

Still looking to the television for vapid and vacuous experiences,

Richard Banks
<richard.banks@cpa.state.tx.us>

Dear Richard,

Expecting TV to deliver your V&VE quotient is *so* 20th century I can barely stand to answer. But I will: the problem isn't with authenticated voting but with voting in general. Never having "voted" for a winning candidate I can assure that these things are every bit as much decided in advance as NFL games or the Golden Globes.

Color me new year's blue,

Mr. M

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Hit & Run 12.21.00

Hey kids — nice job with the investigative journalism, coming up with all them discarded XFL names. But you fell victim to that bane of rock-smoking cub reporters everywhere and forgot to check the OTHER dumpster, on the opposide side of the loading dock. Had you done so, you would've learned that XFL expansion teams will likely include the Rocky Mountain Oysters, the Minnesota Nice, and the Berkeley White Liberal Guilt. Good reportage, like the laundry, is never finished.

6-time winner, Nobel Peace Prize for Advances in Hungry Hungry Hippos Theory,

Sean Smith
<SSmith@jenkens.com>

Don't forget the New Orleans Goths, the Brooklyn Draft Dodgers, the San Francisco Giant Wienie-Heads, the Portland Heroin Blazers, and the LA Fakers.

You'll never bring peace to those hippos, by the way. They're just too damn hungry!

Dumpster dwelling,

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Nice plagiarism job stealing our XFL team name ideas, assholes.

You'd think with a huge staff and budget of wits you'd be able to do more than steal from a Russian newspaper.

Fuck off and die,

Mark Ames, Editor
<theeXile>

Dear Mr. Ames,

Here at our posh headquarters in the great metropolis, we paused for a moment over our in-house cappuccinos and fine pastries to chuckle at your allegations before they were rushed off, in hushed tones, to our team of high-priced lawyers on the third floor.

Off the record, just between you and me, it's true. While we employ scores of young writers straight out of school, the brightest talent of a new generation, and continue to employ multiple floors of aging comic geniuses, we still find ourselves stooping to sniffing around unknown Russian newspapers in hopes that those delightful Vodka-swilling Caca-heads are dreaming up more entertaining concepts than our scores of minions can manage despite their 6-figure salaries. But last week we hit the jackpot — XFL names! Now there's an idea so fresh and original no 2 people on the planet with mediocre to below average brains could think it up at once. So we promptly stole that gem and passed it off as the work of one of our handsomely paid creatives. We can offer you no compensation for this theft, our lawyers tell us, but we will send you a company pen inscribed with our logo "It's All Your Fault."

Actually, we're thinking of changing that logo to "Fuck Off and Die" — do you want to wait for one of the new pens, or would you be content with the old one?

Let me know either way. Keep up the good work! Don't change that url without telling us, now!

Sincerely,

Hank Ripshaw - CEO, Suck Enterprises

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Just wanted to point out that the XFL team name for the Tri-State area in which I live is the New York/New Jersey Hitmen (not the New Jersey Hitmen). It's worth noting because of all the yammering on about some New York football team that doesn't even play here. Now everyone can be happy!

I don't follow the NFL too much (being a native of Cincinnati causes me to be unable to effectively root for my home team), but I certainly will follow the XFL. I think the second best thing about it is the enforced time limit. No more 5 hour games keeping me from being able to watch Futurama. That will be the best gift of all. Oh yeah, and the cheerleader-cam. Go Vince!

Alexia C. Henke
<alexia_henke@exchangeny.deutschinc.com>

Well, good to hear that the XFL will be giving you the gift of Futurama this year. Now everyone truly can be happy!

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

What the hell is this? Two screen scrolls of Suck doesn't cut the mustard my friends. Are you guys so hung over from the Christmas Party that you can't deliver more than 20 lines of content? You are going to have to do better if you want me to keep reading this shit every weekday. Lay off the Jack Daniels and put down the bong, as that is my job!

Sam Harvey
<Samuel@sharednet.com>

Sorry to disappoint you, Sam. Maybe you should drink a little less and get some fresh air and the world wouldn't let you down as much. We should know.

Drunk but still agoraphobic,

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
1995
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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