The Fish
for 14 December 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 12.7.00

Damn, did someone at Suck go through a really vicious, ugly breakup with someone at The New Yorker?

Agreed the Denby piece was ridiculous, agreed The New Yorker gets up on its high horse much of the time — but that's kind of the point of the magazine (and isn't that a significant part of Suck's charm as well?). There are arguably much more stupid publications out there that you could slam with equal glee.

Take Soma, for example. A tastefully matte-finished and meaningless periodical that somehow got delivered to my boss, who passed it along to me in the hope that I could tell her why it exists. I read it, and it appears to be in English — yet its intention remains elusive. So far as I can tell, it's not about anything, much like Seinfeld (except without the stabs at chin-chucking ethnic humor). Talk about "middlebrow fish-wrap."

You guys entertain me, and your commentary is often right on. But please don't become a one-track complaining machine, that'd be boring and a waste of your talent.

Mia Lipman

Thanks for the constructive criticism, Mia. You're right. Slamming a meaningless matte-finish magazine about nothing that no one's read is probably a much worthier and fascinating pursuit than critiquing The New Yorker. That's up there with doing an in-depth expose on Big Brother, a meaningless show that no one watched.

Have you considered writing for when you graduate?

Just joshin' ya, Mia! But really, Suck's vendetta against The New Yorker is strictly a with us/against us issue. Watch it if you don't want to end up on the old enemies list!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

When't the last time you wrote a hit and run piece that wasn't a painfully forced attempt at being clever? How may of these swollen, turgid chunks of moose shit are you guys capable of producing, anyway? Even if you don't give a shit anymore and are just mailing it in, it still shouldn't be as consistently lame; you have to be making an effort -I'm guessing a substantial one — to make it that fucking tedious every fucking week. Your premises are ridiculous in the worst kind of way — the non-entertaining, non-enlightening, painful to witness kind of way — and the points of your rants are pathetically weak. How do you fuck up a rant that bad? Are you all victims of some horrible lameass radiation accident that gave you each the ability to take a subject that should, in the hands of anyone not afflicted with a savagely virulent case of dumbass, be at least mildly interesting, and turn it into a vapid piece of crap that's about as stimulating and rewarding to read as a Philipino lottery ticket? That's my guess, anyway.

Losers. Stop sucking so bad.

Michael Huff

Ooo, that really smarts! You got downright creative with that shit, didn't you, Michael?

Nice work, buddy. Rest assured, we'll be pushing out the moose shit just as fast as you can eat it.

And the word you're looking for is Filipino.

Victims of some horrible lame-ass radiation accident,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
White Men Can't Joke

enjoyed your look at hollywood and the movie business circa the 60s to the present — would you clear up one thing for me — Is your inclusion of North Dallas Forty in the list with Airport, Gator, Magnum Force, Billy Jack, Death Wish and Burt Reynolds whole career except for Deliverance a Good Thing or a Bad Thing?

I am not sophisticated enough to noodle it out by myself plus I am shanked thru with bias — I consider Burt Reynolds a friend who made lots of movies that made lots of money which is a huge feat in itself and gotto know James Dickey because of his appreciation of North Dallas Forty and my appreciation of Deliverance

any guidance you could give me would certainly help me work thru my artistic angst


Peter Gent

My inclusion of "North Dallas Forty" with all those movies was under the heading "popcorn movie" only, with no good or bad judgments attached. I left out "Deliverance" because that film was a smaller, less accessible movie than, say, "Smokey and the Bandit." "Herbie, The Love Bug" and "The Sting" are both in there because they were meant as mainstream entertainments, although one won several Academy Awards and the other didn't (I forget which, tho). Otherwise the movies in that list have little in common. My point was to show the skewed vision critics prefer these days of Spielberg inventing the mainstream, popcorn movie, when he obviously didn't.

Peter Biskind's book intentionally focuses on a few cliques of people and does it very well, but then he comes up with the overall conclusion that Spielberg and Lucas-type movies "ruined" Hollywood. There's no context. If Coppola and Scorsese were the norm back then, he'd be right. But they've always been the exception, then and now. At that time, Burt, Clint Eastwood, Streisand, Redford, etc. were huge stars whose movies were the norm (not "Mean Streets" or "The Conversation") and Biskind ignores them. It's a no-brainer that good movies are always the exception, except of course, when critics want to go after Spielberg.

But, yes, to relieve your angst, I do think "North Dallas Forty" is a better movie than "Herbie, The Love Bug!"


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 12.6.00


Thanks for not ripping the Greens too hard. It might be my imagination, but it seems like you restrained yourself. I'm still stinging from the words of our local alternative (and liberal) paper, whose editor explained that "Naderites" somehow have "blood on our hands" over this election. Creepy image, huh?

We Greens are a sensitive bunch, and we mean well, dammit!


Scott Patterson

Oh yeah, "We're so sensitive, but we mean so well!" Save it for the Man Movement, Part II buster. Save it for the drum circle in the woods. Save it for tropical punch and 'nilla wafer hour at the Tender Tiny Testicles support group.

Jesus. How many times in my life have I found myself catering to the whims of some sensitive, well-meaning asshole?

Not very often, actually. Most of the assholes I've known are neither sensitive nor well-meaning.

Gee, I wonder why I attract such types. Maybe I should spend my excess cash in therapy so some sensitive well-meaning Green party member can oh-so-gently point out the fact that I'm neither sensitive, nor well-meaning. Oh wait, I'm already doing that. See, if I weren't in therapy, I wouldn't know such obvious things about myself, and all my friends would have to continue to whisper about my insanity behind closed doors. Thanks to my Naderite therapist, my friends feel comfortable openly confronting me about my mental instability. "Sure, Polly, it's possible that I'm a jerk, or maybe this dispute we're having is just more fallout from the fact that you're certifiably Fucked in the Head. You know, like your therapist pointed out last week. And the week before. And the week before." Hurray for therapy!

Anyway, Scott, thanks for writing. There are things I'd rather discuss than politics, obviously. Like me, for example. I can't really think of another example.

Blood on my hands from ripping too hard,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I have to say that I am disappointed in your childish poking at the 3 million of us that voted for a decent candidate. I don't really see what is so funny about it. We got fed up with the Dems, voted Green and spoiled the election. What is really funny is that Gore, an experienced national politician and V.P. to a popular president, couldn't easily beat a slack-jawed half-wit.

I'm getting really tired of seeing people in the media, especially the ones that I respect, whining incessantly about the Green party. If the media was half as liberal as the conservatives say that they are, they would be Green party members.

Aaron Fuller

You don't really see what's so funny, huh? I bet you say that to all the girls!

I'm tired of the incessant whining, too. Let's get behind the slack-jawed half-wit you helped to elect as president and put this pettiness behind us!

Cut me some slack, dude. Childish poking is my middle name.

Polly Childish Poking Esther

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

This is even better than the sock puppet — it shows this '50s family just transfigured with horror at the discovery of a lot of ping-pong balls with faces, singing that most terrifying of Christmas carols, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" ("he sees you when you're sleeping" et cetera). One little boy in that commercial ought to be in the next M. Night Shymalan movie — he does this look of abject round-eyed terror even better than Drew Barrymore used to in the Poltergiest movies (her last good movies.) Never have I seen a commercial laying it on the line: "we're selling something that's ostensibly cute, but is actually really frightening."

I wish I could see headlines that read "Bush Dealt Upset" instead of the pressure on Gore to give up everywhere from the front page to the editorial page. When not golfing, the publisher of the Contra Costa Times is laying down the moral authority about how Gore needs to step down so that the healing can begin. Well, I remember Reagan, too — and I shudder at the thought of all the evil Junior Bush and his gang are cooking up. Right now, the hacks at Time Magazine are probably trying to come up with appreciative essays about how presidential the little weasel is becoming, with the appropriate citations of Henry IV, Part 2 about how much leadership skills W must have learned from closing down all the bars in Midland....make it stop, Polly...


Richard Von Busack

Well, Richard, as Don Henley so aptly put it, if wishes were horses, then dreamers would ride. But alas, wishes are not horses, so dreamers are left sitting around with their thumbs up their asses.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I must take issue with your assertion that people would rather get a BJ and eat some pie instead of watching an Astros game. Haven't you received any of those stadium sex video clips in your inbox? Thanks to the mega-stadium, there's always plenty of room for you to get head AND eat some apple pie (insert Double header joke here).

Paul Walcutt

Oh, dude. Get your thumb out of your ass.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Listen to me,

I give mad prizzys to you guys for finally bringing the blight of lint to the forefront of popular culture. As a Mexican Catholic living in a peckerwood state like Colorado, I identify with their disenfranchisement. Too long has the government fought an unwinable "War on Lint" that has cost the American taxpayer billions of dollars. Lint came to this country like any other ethnic group- looking to contribute in the land of opportunity. Those Italians with their suits should be most sympathetic of them all. I was watching "Frontline" the other night and they said that we've given some government in South America $12.5 million in lint traps! When will it stop?

Francisco Velasquez

Yeah, and I love how the anti-lint pundits wave around the threat of a "constitutional crisis" in order to incite fear in the hearts of the lint-friendly. If lint brushes were horses, then anti-lint pundits would ride. But lint brushes aren't horses, so anti-lint pundits sit around daydreaming about getting head at Astros games. Fucking pervs.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

idealism doesn't mean wanting something that you haven't got. it means believing in the primacy of the IDEA over the THING. don't expect me to be able to tell you what IDEA and THING are, though.

what you're railing against is more accurately called angst.

what got you and your little friends so perturbed probably has more to do with the last 100 years of bloodshed and social upheaval than it has to do with their parents giving them a teddy bear or something.

Demmy Rooster

You may be perturbed about 100 years of bloodshed, but I'm still pretty sure you didn't get a teddy bear.

If IDEAS were horses, then THINGS would own glue factories.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Polly —

doesn't it bother anyone else that bush had a boil on his face, not to mention the fact that his running mate just had a heart attack. a boil. on his face. they had to lance it. that means pus. the man to represent our country. this is worse than that one president who used to act in bad movies with monkeys in baby clothes and then we hired him to make decisions for us.

pack the travel bong and get in the car. we're going to canada.


elena lyman

Oh my god. You mean we actually paid that monkey trainer boy?

You know, I think we should put this in perspective. Everyone has a big sack of pus on their face at one point or another. If boils that oozed pus were horses, then dreamers would call for a state-wide recount. I mean, um, wait. If boils were horses, then president-elects would be stampeded.

No, here it is. If boils were horses, then they'd get flogged until they leaked pus and died.

Flogging dead boils,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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