The Fish
for 28 November 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Chad and Jeremiad

Thanks for the reference to the Michael Moore column. He certainly deserves the prize for rhetorical inflation — although those Republican hacks worrying over the virginal freshness of the punch card ballots give him some stiff competition (one of them was on NPR this morning accusing the Palm Beach counters of "manhandling" the ballots). I'm still trying to puzzle out why Moore cares about Al Gore losing a few votes, though.

Speaking of rhetorical excess, did you see David Broder's column today? He says this will be the grimmest Thanksgiving since 1963 — grimmer, in fact, since in '63 we had Johnson, at least.

Lemuel Shattuck

Dear Lemuel,

Michael Moore, methinks, is upset at the prospect of Al Gore losing votes because a Bush win increases the odds that America's richest Grand Funk Railroad fan may have to spend some of the money he makes off his unfunny books and movies to pay for his relatives' health care.

I'm sure David Broder had a better time in '63 than he does now: He's what, 37 years older, dumber and balder? It is indeed a tragedy that the Texan who may take the White House this time around doesn't have a useless war to get us into. Ah well, we can always hope.


Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I'm sure someone has already mentioned this: Pee Wee got busted in Sarasota (a place not very different from Palm Beach), not Panama City.

Joshua Peters

Dear J. Peters

Let me give you a one-handed salute for catching that error. Apologies are due to the fine citizens of Panama City.

Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Very apt metaphor, the Election Result : Grainy Photograph analogy you make with the Blowup movie reference. To put it in digital terms, the hand count is a high res scan of a low res image.

You should know, however, that one Nick Gillespie, a lowly editor of a disreputable and libertine pamphlet called Reason just flat-out stole your exact movie reference and analogy, and was so brazen as to flaunt the act of plagiarism in titling his article.

Follow this link to outrage.

Will you take this lying down?

With indignant exhortations,


Dear Pete,

Thanks for the heads up. I know this Gillespie character — some even claim a doppelganger-type resemblance. He trails me everywhere I go, steals my thoughts and words, and even sleeps with my missus. I'm not happy about it, but I'm learning to live with it.

Indignity, I might add, is for dying men, as are exhortations.

Color me lying down,

Mr. M

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

The Family Business is Business

Sometimes, you can't even fool the fanboys.

If you check alt.whatever.dune, you'll see that the Dune fans just *hate* Brian Herbert, and all he stands for. The downside of being a caretaker is that if your franchise is beloved enough, people will despise you if you mess it up. Disney had the right idea: they went decades without making Mickey Mouse cartoons, but they still sold the merchandise.

Waiting for the DePatie-Freleng version of "Fritz The Cat",

Michael K.

Hi, Michael:

I'm glad to hear elements of fandom stick it to Herbert in a way the book's reviewers seemed to pretty much avoid. You may be onto something in that the more the original is loved the less likely you're able to keep it going. It would explain why the Pogo re-launch didn't take, for instance. This doesn't bode well for the planned new Narnia books.

40th Street Black

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

You missed one important aspect of the longenburger equation. The social pressure to buy something exerted on the "guest" by the "host". The weak willed People pleaser type that are invited to these parties feel that if they do not come when invited it is rude. They also feel that if they come and do not buy at least one thing they are rude. Sale guaranteed just by sending invites to people who want to be your friend. Longenburger is not the only company to tap into this social dynamic their are Party Light Candle parties, Pampered Chef Parties and others I am sure. All of these companies sell insanely overpriced nearly useless specialty junk that even most dedicated uber consumers would not buy because of the outrageous price. The party situation is what seals the deal.

Rona Miller

Hi, Rona:

You're right about the social pressure, which I'm sure is no doubt compounded by the general shame of being seen as too cheap to buy something offered to you.

The more I hear about basket, candle, and even sex toy parties, the more I feel stupid for giving away alcohol and food at my own.

40th Street Black

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

good essay 40th... one quibble though, Jamie Foxx isn't related to anyone famous.

i assume you were implying a descent from Redd "This is the big one Elizabeth!" Foxx, but nothing i've found supports such a lineage.

please correct me if i'm wrong though... it'd be great if it were true.

a humble fan,

Sean Robb

This is what I get for writing this essay over a meal of fried okra and Ripple.

I even know where this came from: from an article I read about Foxx's participation in a tribute show to the late, dirty-mouthed, IRS-troubled comedian. But as we learned from our friends the election-night TV network anchorpeople, repeating another's stupidity is as bad as making up one's own. In other words, I couldn't find a lick of support for my statement on the Web, so we'll embrace the fleshy part of valor and pretend I never made it in the first place. I take consolation in the fact that your pointing it out allows me to embrace my own family's legacy of groveling and passing the buck.

40th Street Black (no relation to Karen)

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I don't know about this one. Perhaps men in tin foil hats coming out of black helicopters can explain the point of this screed to me. Amusing, but confusing.

Steven P. Sanabria

How's this? If recent years have seen an increase in phenomena such as fusion cooking, genre-blending, and mixed media, then a Frankenstein's monster of aggressive, cooperative, overlapping sales techniques can't be too far behind.

That is, unless that many people really do need baskets.

40th Street Black

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


An interesting article today. And a good reminder to those of us waiting for Frances Bean to pick up an instrument.

When I was a kid, I thought about changing my name. I think it crosses the minds of a lot of children. So why don't we do it when we get older? Maybe, unconsciously, we realize the pressure we would be putting on our descendants to live up to our legacy. Or, moreover, as the originating members of a specific lineage, the pressure of setting a worthwhile example.

Thanks for the read,

Tim Tolle

Hi, Tim:

I'm not so afraid of burdening my children with a unique legacy as one of my brats would pull an Emilio Estevez and make me look like I'm desperate for mainstream acceptance instead of the social justice issues for which I'm best known. Besides, how hard can it be to live up to "Spectaculon"?

40th Street Black

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow
Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee
G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten
William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler
Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)
Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson
American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor
Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)
45, by Bill Drummond
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist?Send your suggestions to us.

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