The Fish
for 26 October 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 10.19.00

Thanks for your column on the phrase "old school". Although I don't really watch much tv or listen to radio or really participate too much in any form of media consumption, I have noticed this stupid phrase infect the language of even those near and dear to me.

As you rightly point out, the phrase "old school" attempts to legitimate a given phenomenon by pointing out its ancient origins, much like various Buddhist teachers have had to prove themselves by tracing their discipleship back to the original dude, Shakyamuni.

I hate this kind of crap. It takes so much energy to resist smacking someone when they misuse an overused phrase like "deconstruction" and "paradigm shift". It pains me, because these words used to point to ideas, but now they are just Words That Are Supposed To Make You Sound Smart (but actually make you sound dumb as shit.)

But, dude, lay off WBCN. BCN totally rocks, dude. They are even older than old school. I bet even now they are still playing "Dream On" by Aerosmith (*the* bad boys from Boston) as part of their heavy rotation.

Dude, morning dj Charles Lacquadera even gave me a wake up call on my 15th birthday. It was awesome.

BCN will always be wicked, wicked pissah.

Your pal,

Roadrunner Krazykatovitch

Our humblest apologies, Roadrunner. As usual, dyslexia is to blame. We were thinking that it was WNBC that was keepin' it Old School. WBCN we've never heard of.

Then again, we're pretty sure The House Imus Built has played "Dream On" once or twice, too.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

As usual, a lovely column/piece today. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

One problem: What the hell is an "E-Z Pass" World Series? Is this what they're calling it on the West coast? Cause I have yet to hear any idiotic NYC newscaster, sportscaster, or annoying tabloid newspaper refer the upcoming "Subway" Series as the "E-Z Pass" Series.

Not only is E-Z Pass not catchy (and don't get me started on the whole "E-Z" issue — ugh!), but it lacks a certain alliterative quality. Subway Series however is quite catchy, and lends itself nicely to local news and newspapers developing inane graphics using the signs from the MTA, MetroCards, tokens, anything else they can get their grubby little hands on.

Of course us NY-area folks now have to put up with all the crap and hype surrounding the series. Oh yay.

Keep on Suckin',

Jen Bonnell

Not surprisingly, we heard the term "E-Z Pass Series" on local sports radio. Unfortunately, we are unable to find an original citation. Most likely, the first use of this term was by one of the drooling minions of the incomparable WFAN in Queens. We have since heard that even the Times made reference to the phrase a few weeks ago. However, we may also have picked this up from one of the lonely souls looking for phone friendship at Trenton's WKXW. In any event, we think the term has some usefulness in suggesting which fans can actually afford to attend the games. At the very least, we doubt that Denzell, Regis, and the many other cap-wearing celebs Fox has been cutting to in the stands every two seconds took the Number 4 to the game.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Was intrigued to note a link to one of our film reviews by Joel Siegel (

Not sure how or why you found it, but we appreciate the hepness by association.

Dave Nuttycombe

Back atcha, Dave. In this case, we're pretty sure the writer was so amazed to find a Joel Siegel review that wasn't a slobbering rave that he wanted to commemorate the occasion.

Yr Pal,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Filler 10.18.00


I hate these scratchy pants, too!

At last, Filler has a catchphrase worthy of its name!

Unless you want to go with "Calm the fuck down, and put down the french fries, you big, fat, weak-hearted suit-wearing manager guy!"

("My nads are on fire, here" is just too FOX, don't you think?)

Can I follow you around and repeat everything you say loud enough for all your admiring fans to hear? Please? No one here talks to me anymore.

Scratchy, scratchy pants,

Randy Ratliff

Um, no one here talks to me either, but I'm not sure having someone repeat everything I say really loud would improve that situation.

But you're right, "My nads are on fire, here" is very FOX. You hit that nail square on the head. You know you're in trouble when you're resorting to jokes about nuts. Actually, I think it was originally "My nuts are on fire," which is at least a little more HBO. I decided it was too gross. That'll learn me.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

i noticed in today's filler, on the second to last page, in the second to last column that there's a sign in what i assume is chinese in the background. does it actually say anything?

your pal mal

Terry says it probably says something like "Beef Spicy Hot Kung." He pulled those words off a Chinese menu.

Happy family chicken,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I'm a canadian living in europe who believes strongly the canadian side of the falls is better and all americans are ignorant.

And I really enjoyed your piece on suck about Australians and Olympics with a guy named Marcel at the beginning.

Are you Canadian? Have you lived in Europe? You write with a much more open mind than I can believe any American could.. (LOL)..


Roderick Barrass

Well, you see, I'm the only American with an open mind. All my sad little closed-minded peers are so jealous of me, you know. I befriend only Canadians and Americans who have lived in Europe. We sit around and talk about really open-minded things, like Celine Dion, and cool places to drink coffee in Paris, and the falling value of the Euro. My mind is so open, there's wind rushing through it.

I'm glad you found me — the only open-minded, lovable American! What were the chances of that?

Oh, and nice name.

That's Mr. Az-wee-pay to you.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

worship you. Is there anywhere in San Francisco I can buy a Polly idol?

Your groveling servant,

Brad Wright

Don't worship false idols, Brad. Just send money.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Subject: I must be old...

or have always been, because strong coffee has always been more important than true love. Always. At least GOOD strong coffee can be drunk cold; when love gets cold it's worse than last week's dishwater.

As cynical as in '96, but four years older,


You know, Andrew, a big part of growing older is learning to tolerate cold coffee and falling out of love. If you can't tolerate cold coffee, often you won't get the caffeine push that you need to make it through the day. If you can't tolerate falling out of love, if you immediately lose faith that you could ever love that person again, you'll never make a relationship work.

Part of growing older is about getting less cynical. Then again, most cynics are deeply idealistic, therefore, it's really more a matter of different aspects of their personalities rising to the surface or receding depending on how things go or how much coffee or love they've been given that day. Are you drinking enough coffee? Are people giving you love? Are you lovable?

Maybe you're too hard on yourself, Andrew. I'm going to guess that you give yourself a hard time, when really you need a candy bar and a good book. I want you to go out after work tonight and buy yourself a good book, a candy bar, a six pack of good beer, and some food from the local Burger Doodle. I want you to go home and read the book while eating the Burger Doodle. Then eat the candy bar. When you're done, consider watching something frivolous on TV. The world series is one option. Drink a few beers. Then report back to me.

Be good to yourself, Andrew. You'll never grow up if you don't learn to be your own best friend. It's the greatest love of all, man.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Dear Polly,

Thanks for today's Filler (10/18/2000). I just turned 30 yesterday, and it's a great comfort to know that some people are aging less gracefully than even myself. You did just have a birthday, didn't you? Oh, you'll probably say it wasn't you, it was your friend Steve, or Theresa, or the hack who just turned 30. But really, it was you, wasn't it, Polly? Yes, I thought so. The main difference for me between 20 and 30 is that my preferred activity on a Friday night is now "relaxing" instead of "hanging out". The two are identical, except that you are "hanging out" when you hope some friends call or come by, and you are "relaxing" when you hope they don't. Really, friends just get in the way of warm feet and strong coffee.

Tell me more about this disposable diaper-sterility link. I have a seven-month old baby, and he has worn both cloth and disposable diapers. We appreciate both the convenience of paper and the economy of cloth, so a hybrid system has worked for us until now. My son just learned to pull himself up to a standing position, which is great, but today he tried to stand up using the very full diaper pail as a support. He naturally knocked it over, covering himself and the floor with a heady cocktail of excrement, borax and sopping wet cotton. Unless you have strong evidence for this sterility claim, or are willing to clean my carpet, our house will soon be cloth diaper-free.

Now I know that there are worse things than bongwater to spill on a rug.


Geoff Gooding

Who the fuck is Theresa? Do you mean Veronica?

Don't talk to me about growing old gracefully until you clean all the shit out of the carpet.



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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