The Fish
for 19 October 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 10.12.00

"One of the best articles de-bunking Project D.A.R.E was by Stephen Glass, which proves that the most common drug-related casualty is accurate information. "

Whenever I encounter another example of "I-am-not-worthy", slobbering Alan Greenspan worship, I always think of Glass's New Republic article explaining that a.) the Fed just doesn't do a whole heck of a lot, and doesn't deserve the credit it is so often given for The Long Boom(tm), and b.) Greenspan himself is a man of dubious economic judgment (I think the examples Glass cited were Greenspan's support of the Reagan budget deficits and testimony in favor of Charles Keating — it's been a while since I read the article.)

Of course, this was also the article that featured the fictional brokerage house with the shrine to Greenspan in the back room. I've always wanted someone smarter than me (which, sadly, the people for write for a publication called "Suck" seem to be) is: despite Glass's fictional flourishes, was his basic political reporting accurate? If I reject the fictional brokerage house, do I then have join the crowd and accept Alan Greenspan as the second coming?

Mark Wright

We didn't need Stephen Glass to render us unfit for the Greenspan cult. We knew better the first time we heard the Chairman was a first-generation Ayn Rand apostle, schooled at the right hand of the Grande Dame herself. If that doesn't convince you that we've delivered ourselves into the hands of witch doctors, no article in TNR will snap you out of your slumbers.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Re: Oglivy and Mather's frying-pan commercials--I'd always presumed they did those commercials for free as community service as a marker against any coke busts--current or future--that the execs there might be facing. We paid them for it?!

By weird coincidence, the cover story of this week's Bay Guardian in San Francisco is a woeful tale of a dot-commer who has become a heroin addict, despite his self-proclaimed brightness and hard working skills. For me, the saddest part of the article was that the poor white fellow had become reduced to patronizing "Mexicans" (his word) to buy his daily dose of monkey chow. When will the madness end? Drugs are bad, m'kay?

Richard Von Busack

As Bob Roberts said, "Don't use crack. It's a ghetto drug."


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Dearest Sucksters,

Thank you for another insightful and (frighteningly) accurate essay! I especially enjoyed the part about Hilary Clinton and Rick Lazio's adamant stance on the e-mail tax hoax. Someone from suck (maybe that Peter Bagge fellow) needs to slip those 'hypothetical situation' questions into the next debate between Georgie and Al.

The funniest thing, however, was the link to the Ogilvy and Mather site for the CDROM containing pictures of street drugs. I started looking at the thumbnails of 'cocaine leaves' 'amphetamines' then I noticed the thumb of a pile of cash marked 'cash' then I saw the 'airstrip' and the 'airplane' then the picture of 'say no to crack' showing the fat ass crack guy. I couldn't help but wonder — are there really people who don't know what airplanes and cash look like? Maybe they need to lay off the MDMA! Thank god for those people at Ogilvy and Mather!

Keep the Suck Sucking Sucksters!

Robert Dubya Childs

There is still a possibility that the people involved in the actual labor of coca farming don't know what airplanes or cash look like. Surprisingly, they all have PDAs, so the site may be providing more educational value than you think.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

It truly sucked!

1. The mistakes with the exclamation point; were they intentional to convey your extreme concern about all these issues or just piss poor editing? 2. 3. The first story about some obscure speech by some obscure correspondent/mother/media person (?) that I have a vague recollection of from TV; what the hell was that all about? She is not the first person in our broad society to have a child and begin thinking about the world and how it will be in the future for that child. Far from it. I had to think long and hard about the responsibilities I have in bringing another life into this world before I had the courage to do it. As one of the last men drafted in this nation (no women were) to fight in that fun event in Southeast Asia I hesitated before beginning such a huge commitment. My grandfather went off to Europe in the early part of the 20th Century to do what was expected of him and returned with no self doubts at all. His family's survival was never in question. His son, my father, is a combat veteran of World War II. He felt secure in making the same committment because America was victorious and the future was bright, in spite of the Cold War. There was a confidence that we could conquer all that we faced. Viet Nam left us questioning that concept. Desert Storm brought back some of our confidence and even endowed us with a cockiness that frightens me. Dad was called out of retirement back to his Defense Department job at America's tank command and I went to work as a civilian employee in that same organization for that short stint. This family has served in one capacity or another in every armed conflict of this century with the exception of that John Wayne crap in Grenada. All of us still need to question every war. What Christine Amanapour is talking about is something she viewed through a lens in a dispassionate and relatively uninvolved way, one time. She is not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. Putting your ass on the line makes you question things a bit more closely. We're way too cocky, or as George C. Scott said in his portrayal of General George Patton in World War II: "We could still lose this war." even as we racked up victory after victory. As far as history goes, we won't know what it will be until we get there and it's the ride that scares me. 4. 5. Then there was that unbelievable dreck about UnAmericanism. That link you threw in there was asinine. Some 28 year old asshole is telling the world about how to conduct itself? I'm confused because I can't imagine what great thoughts some spoiled suburban dipshit who grew up in the Reagan Era with the most slanted view of this century possibly has to offer the world. He has access to the internet, big fucking deal! Tell him to come back when he has something of value to impart to us all because he has not arrived at that point in his life just yet.6. 7. You then moved on to two politicians that were hit with fictitious questions, as if the person posing them was the first one to ever do that. Hot flash: that is old, old, old! We are not amused! That was stupid and self serving. Certainly it wasn't worth mentioning in your venerable publication, must have been a slow news day. By the way, most of the rest of us don't really give a shit about the New York Senate race as anything other than an amusing side show in this presidential election year. Hillary and Rick are both over the edge in their own way. As a former Brooklynite (dad was born in the same neighborhood as Al Capone!) I watch my old state with a big yawn. Don't get me wrong, I love New York; my daughter wants to move back to the West Village where she had her internship and that makes me glad. I just remember the Bobby Kennedy candidacy when I was growing up there and figure this is what happens in New York. It's the way of the world. (Bobby had the same claim then to legitimacy as Hillary does now. He won anyway.)8. 9. Finally we come to DARE. That's a waste of tax money from all angles. I sure as hell don't want my kids on drugs, but I know more about it than those folks. They are safe from this bad influence. Maybe being a good parent has more to do with it then federal programs. 10.

Michael E. Scozzari

Testify, Mike!

Thanks for your almost-10-point response, and for your service to our country. Your phrasing leads us to suspect that you've once or twice made use of that great Kenny Rogers couplet:

It wasn't me that started that old crazy Asian war, But I was proud to go and do my patriotic chore.

That's the spirit! But wasn't Al Capone actually a native of Cicero, Illinois? We could be wrong...

Keep those kids off drugs!


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Perhaps the reason that most Americans have stopped really caring about the events in the middle east, eastern europe, most of Africa, and a large part of Asia is the realization that all that is happening in those war torn area is a return to the tribal warfare that has raged since Og picked up a rock and smacked his neighbor in the head and the neighbor's friends and realtives began sharpening sticks and gathering their own rocks. They've killed each other over religion, over stolen goats, and over nothing at all for many centuries that homicide seems to have become a genetic trait. It would be a good idea, in my opinion, to cordon off the entire Balkan region, all of Africa (except the oil regions, of course!) Israel, Palestine, and Jordan drop in all the weapons the military seems to have laying about and let them have it out once and for all. No nuclear devices and no aircraft to spread the mayhem to their neighbors outside the region. Give them a couple of years and then plow under the dead, comfort the survivors, and turn all the regions into nature parks or wilderness areas. Becoming involved on one side or the other in any of these comflicts is expensive, costly in lives and lost national prestige, and totally futile. Not to mention the fact that getting rid of that large a chunk of humanity would be an enviromentally sound move.

Michel Rash


Somehow your message isn't as crowd-pleasing as George W. Bush's exhortation to be a humble nation. Remember, a spoon full of sugar beats a heaping helping of genocidal vitriol any day!



[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

First i would like to let you all know that i happened onto your webpage thru a search for LYCOS search enging on msn search

why on earth is your web site listed there is anyone's guess

but as i happened onto the page out of some maybe perverted curiosity, i was pleasantly suprised to see it wasnt as bad as i was expecting. All of this before i read one word

anyway, i read the article, which i believe is titled "hit and run", of which i thought it was some of the most eye-opening political commentary on the overall sad state of affairs of our current political, moral and social commentary i have read in a long time

kudos to the author and the sponsor, please keep me abreast of any other superb articles

yours truly

Raafi Abdur-Rahman

Thanks for your support, Raafi. And can we just say we're equally in awe of your singalong performances for pre-schoolers!

Suck publishes anew Monday through Friday. Stop by often.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
Filler 10.11.00

Polly --

While Australia may have been on the leading edge of ABBA-mania umpteen years ago (I'm not even going to guess how long ago it was), I have discovered the lost tribe of Abba fans.

My husband and I went to Easter Island (y'know the land of the big heads) for the New Year. Little I-stayed-there-a-week-just-long-enough -to-pick-up-a-couple-boring-factoids-info:

1. Easter Island (Rapa Nui as it is known in the native language) is the most remote continuously inhabited island on the face of the planet. It's out there.

2. Even with increased air traffic to the island (thanks to the US government extending the landing strip to accommodate an emergency Shuttle landing) there are only about two flights a week there. Those flights bring everything they need for their survival (almost nothing is raised commercially on the island, cows mostly)

3. There are two (I think) radio stations on the island. They both play almost exclusively Abba songs. The playlist is something along these lines: Namelesstechnodancetune; Super Trooper; 80s ballad I didn't remember but my husband did; Mama Mia; Money, Money; Remixoffirstnamelessdancetune; 3 Abba songs in a get the picture.

4. Everyone, everywhere, all the time plays Abba on their cassettes, cd players, it's ambient music in every restaurant. I tried to get one young tour guide (who had just popped his Abba tape into the stereo) to explain the Abba thing to me. His response, "I have many rememberings when I listen to Abba."

At another point, we were talking to someone who lived there and, you guessed it, another Abba song came on the radio. At this point, we were completely Abba punch drunk and started giggling. "What is the deal with Abba?" we asked. "Oh, that's not Abba," he replied. "That's the A*Teens." The A*Teens are teenage Swedes who sing ONLY Abba songs and sound exactly like them.

Needless to say, when we got back to Santiago, I marched to the nearest record store, joined the queue of teens and bought my own copy. Now, whenever I want to have many rememberings of the most remote (continuously inhabited) place on the face of the earth, I play my A*Teens.

And because you started the Abba ball rolling — there is an Abba musical out now, Mama Mia!, scored by Bjorn and Benny. I think it's only in London now, but it's coming to the U.S. soon. Trust me, it's worth it.

Longtime Suck reader (Wednesdays only),

Kathleen Kotcher

Wow. It's very difficult to understand why the most remote continuously inhabited place on the earth would choose ABBA as its continuous soundtrack — that just seems dangerous to the citizenry's mental health.

But speaking of rememberings, I have many rememberings when I listen to ABBA, too. Most of my rememberings are of a seldom-known sport called "Couchabatics", invented by my sister Laura and I. Imagine, if you will, an eclectic variation on the balance beam — but in this case the apparatus was lower than the standard height, and covered in a friendly maroon corduroy. Regulations required that each routine be set to a different ABBA tune, "The Winner Takes It All" and "Andante, Andante" being the most popular and crowd-pleasing Couchabatics choices. Points were deducted for stumbling, giggling, getting bored, or just showing a general lack of overdramatic flourishes befitting such overdramatic songs. Singing along in flat soprano did not, however, constitute a major point deduction.

Seriously fucking dorky, and without the excuse of living in the most remote continuously inhabited place on earth,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


As a long time reader (since approx. 1995 — Hell, I even have one of the 'original' t-shirts) I just thought that I would drop you a quick note to tell you that, I, about four months ago converted my girlfriend into a faithful (I think Frictionary II cemented it).

Shortly afterwards, we, have stopped calling Wednesday by its calendar name and have replaced it with "Filler." So, the days of the week are now Monday, Tuesday, Filler, Thursday, Friday.

So, there you go.

Have a day.

Brad Bauer

You know, Filler has always been my favorite day of the week for some weird reason — I guess because Filler is all about anticipation. On Filler, you anticipate Thursday, because on Thursday you anticipate Friday, and on Friday you anticipate the end of the day. Strangely enough, the joy in the anticipation diminishes as the actual weekend approaches.

Or maybe that's just me. At any rate, calling Filler "hump day" really just generally depresses most people, since most people don't get laid nearly enough, and that name just reminds them of that fact.

And for the nihilist, "Filler" really says it all, doesn't it?

I love my funny name, except when it's associated with nationally televised dance parties,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Hey — I can't think of anyone else to ask this — I'm in love with a woman who's marrying some dork next year. Any tips on how to break up an engagement?

Mr. Sleazy

You're lucky I didn't publish your email address, buddy boy. Don't run around breaking up engagements unless you want the karma gods to fuck you up real good. I'm sure the dork has something going for him if your lover girl is all set to marry him. On the other hand, if she just wants to get married real bad, like so many of those poor Rules girls we see swarming around these days, and she's ready to marry the first dork who proposes, well, then, that means she's sort of a loser. But that also means that she'll entertain the notion of marrying you, too, since a. marrying is the goal and b. she's sort of a loser. Why not propose?

Oh, you don't want to propose? You're not sure you want to marry her, you're just in love with her? The truth is, you don't know her that well?

Well then, why the fuck are you messing with her life, loser boy?

You sound like one of these guys who decides he's in love with some unattainable perky girl because she doesn't appear to be anything like the "psychobitches" he's dated. Newsflash: Um, that's because you're friends. Being friends with a woman is nothing like dating her, dippy. The dork fiance knows she's a psychobitch, but he can handle it. He loves her anyway. She appreciates that, and she loves him despite the fact that he's a huge dork.

You? She chuckles when she thinks of you. You hardly know her, and she knows it. You make her laugh.

Or maybe I've got the whole thing completely wrong.

Full of unsafe, unsound assumptions,

Psychobitch Polly

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Dear Polly,

Veronica Squirrel is right about the wannabe nature of this Wide Brown Land. We're prone to feel that the truer, realer, richer world is elsewhere. We used to ask visiting celebrities "What do you think of Australia" almost before they've got off the plane. Occasionally they'd come back with a line like "You have lovely roofs" but on the whole this anxiety isn't good for much.

You've cured it. You lived here. This was our purpose: to nurture you for six months. No country could want more than that. Since last week's Filler the nation has celebrated with spontaneous outbursts of shrine-building. Stained glass renditions of Terry Colon are something to see. The fake relic industry is booming.

What was extra spooky was the Abba insight. The night before Filler I'd been talking with my friend Bunbury, who'd interviewed Bjorn Again in London. They're about to tour here again; their posters already bedeck the streets of Brunswick. An Abba tribute band tour on its way AND we've been consecrated by your presence.

I'm living in a golden age.


Colin Smith

Oh, my presence hardly constitutes a consecration, I assure you, even to those who spend their time anxiously awaiting an ABBA tribute band tour. Still, your letter made me feel sort of like a heavily-courted character in a Jane Austen novel, but without the glowing complexion, tasty gowns, and substantial grounds, and with a few more headaches, smelly socks, and lint tumbleweeds. Extra spooky indeed.

Still, I do look upon myself as both quite prosperous and quite indulged.

I shall press you no more.


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


I thought you might enjoy the following article, based on your past experiences with tetris. Scientists making people with amnesia play tetris and recording their dreams. Anyways, you probably saw it in the news.

Mike Montemerlo

Wow. Maybe I can pretend to have amnesia and get paid to play Tetris all day. I've found my calling!

You know, I don't allow myself to put games on my computer at all, since it would ensure instant unemployment, and therefore I've only played Tetris something like 8 times, total. Yet my love is as strong as can possibly be imagined. Again, picture the Jane Austen character, swooning in the absence of her love object, except replace Mr. Darcy with a video game that gives people with amnesia horrible nightmares. Also, add more cold pizza, and some bad split ends.

With a most deplorable want of Tetris, as almost always to give the appearance of ill health,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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