The Fish
for 13 October 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
[Suck Staff]

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director


[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff

[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
George Washington Lost Here

George Washington as Internet Economy CEO?

OK, I'll buy into the dream.

r stevens

Well, if the trend continues for people to work as self-contained entrepreneurial units moving from task to task without the benefit of benefits, Washington's wooden teeth may become a powerful metaphor for us all.

40th Street Black

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
The Whys of Tammy Faye

Had He not wished them sheared, He would not have made them sheep.

Alan S Kornheiser

"My people have been lost sheep; their shepherds have led them astray, turning them away on the mountains; from mountain to hill they have gone, they have forgotten their fold." -- Jeremiah 50:6

And it just gets worse from there, Alan!

40th Street Black

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

One item you bypassed in discussing the kitsch entertainment fad for Tammy Faye is her convenient stand against the Rev. Jerry Falwell as being "mean-spirited" and "intolerant," therefore buying her entry into the pop culture tent. The problem here is that, as always, a tolerant God is likely a nonexistent one.


That's a great point. You're dead-on about how the movie invokes Falwell, the monster heel of Christian pop culture, to garner sympathy for Tammy Faye. There's a fascinating section in the movie where Tammy Faye accuses Falwell of exploiting the Bakkers' PTL retirement package request by talking about it on the air despite it having been asked for by the Falwell-run PTL in the first place. Focusing on the political machinations — which were certainly taking place — neatly sidesteps any discussion of the unrealistic extravagance of the request.

As an aside, I've always wondered how much extra bad-guy status Falwell enjoys due to there being at least one Hollywood character actor who looks like him, making boo-hiss appearances from WKRP in Cincinnati (Gordon Jump defending John Lennon) to The People vs. Larry Flynt. If Fred D. Thompson didn't have that political career, I wonder if we'd have a lesser opinion of Billy Graham.


40th Street Black

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

I usually only read Suck on Wednesdays, but was bored enough today to give it a try. What a surprise. Your piece on The Eyes of Tammy Faye was great. I haven't seen the film, but I have seen both Nurse Betty and Almost Famous, and you are right about the rose-colored-glasses problem.

According to Mr. Showbiz, some Jewish leaders and organizations are protesting Jodie Foster's planned Leni Riefenstahl biopic. Let's hope the notorious director (Riefenstahl, not Foster) isn't made out to be another victim of poor judgment, surrounded by bad men.

Jim Stoicheff

Hi, Jim:

Thanks for reading, and thanks for sending along a note. I was very cynical when I wrote the piece, but after recently sharing an airport courtesy van with Green Day and an impromptu Billy Ocean sing-along, my outlook's vastly improved.

I'm not sure how things are going to work out for the Riefenstahl movie, but if it tanks in spectacular career-destroying fashion, it sounds to me like you have the potential plot for the Jodie Foster biopic.


40th Street Black

[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
Filler 10.4.00

Who's the girl in the white shirt? She's cute.

Shame she keeps getting changed into a dope-smoking squirrel. Is it hormonal?


That's my friend Veronica. Want me to tell her you like her? I'll tell her for you, if you want. Then I'll tell her that Jacob stinks and I wouldn't touch that dork with a ten foot pole.

Which means you'd have to have a ten foot pole to touch me, since I'd be at least ten feet away at all times. But something tells me you don't have a fucking ten foot pole in your possession.

You know, suddenly I'm thinking there should really be a variation on that phrase, like "I wouldn't touch him with an eight-inch pole." Nah, too literal.

Oh! Hold on, I've got call waiting.

Hi again. That was Veronica. She says you make her fucking sick, and that you should stay the fuck away from her. In the immortal words of Kerry Lauerman, you make her want to go rough up a puppy.

Wow. I'm way too juvenile to do my job right now. Hold on, I write for something called "Suck". I guess my heart will go on.

Not only will my heart go on, but I'll ride horses on the fucking beach at Santa Monica, so fuck you, you loogie-hocking son of a bitch.

Maybe I'm the one who should get changed into a drug-addled rodent.

Pointlessly aggro,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]


i don't know who the squirrel in human form was supposed to be, but thank god you changed her back to the squirrel. i was watching buffy last night night, and they have this new character: buffy's sister whom we've never seen before. it was just horrible. it was very cathartic, therefore, when you turned a new annoying character into an old familiar one. i mean, come on, who the hell doesn't think ikea rocks in real life?

your pal mal

Well, Mal, far be it from me to pick fights with a Buffy fan, but Veronica is in fact an old familiar character. She's been around longer than the squirrel, in fact. What happened was, Veronica started to bore me slightly. I didn't like her hair or her face. I, Polly, am utterly McNasty in real life, whereas the real Veronica is much cuter than her cartoon counterpart. Plus, I have a habit of getting rid of all Filler's intellectual characters. I guess I don't like having characters around that make me look dumb. Remember Ana, or the barrel? No, you wouldn't remember the barrel, would you, since you have the long-term memory of a flea.

On snippy yet utterly un-clever days like this, I think I'd be better suited for a job at Ed Debevic's.

Ready to sing "Respect" badly,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

Polly, Terry —

I like the red, hooded sweater. It's in perfect fashion for you: one week out of date, but worn comfortably fresh and adorable. Thanks, it makes me smile out loud.


In stark contrast, reading your comments should make the rest of our audience shudder and wretch. I do appreciate the kind words about the sweatshirt, though, considering how tough it was to get Terry to draw me in anything but that weird feminine version of the Charlie Brown sweater. I'm still not sure why he's so insistent on having me wear little stud earrings and ribbons in my hair, when such accessories really belong on a woman who actually has the energy to accessorize, like a bank teller or some kind of account executive. This type of person also owns an iron and an ironing board, subscribes to Vogue, and rarely says things like, "Actually, that sweatshirt isn't 'fresh' at all — I've been wearing it for the past 3 days straight!"

You've hit the nail on the head with that "you're so last week" comment — all my fashions are almost exactly one week behind the times. Not hopelessly boomer-type dorky, like fanny packs and big denim skirts with white running shoes — but slightly last week, like cropped sweatshirts and army pants. I catch onto styles about the time they hit Old Navy in mass-produced form — which is convenient, since they're about 80% cheaper by then.

Wow, talking about bargains is so unsexy and early-90s, isn't it?

Ok, I guess that's enough to turn your loud smile into a loud frown.

Choose to disillusion,


[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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