The Fish
for 12 October 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
[Suck Staff]
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

[Terry Colon]
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[Heather Havrilesky]
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Joey Anuff]
Joey Anuff
Publisher

 
 
 
 
[Go to the Suck Alumni page]
Hit & Run 10.5.00

"There is comfort, however, in knowing that even such a sour event could not stop Phish from another evening of uninspired guitar noodling around flat, lifeless songs."

Jesus, man! What are you on?!? Or, more to the point, what aren't you on? You must be fairly unfamiliar with Phish. Or maybe you are, but are just nuts. Or is that not nuts enough? Which did you think I meant? It doesn't matter to me. The only Phish i've heard that might be accurately described as uninspired, flat (oh, you cannot fathom the depths of Phish), or lifeless is Rift (i'd agree with that). There's little point in trying to convince you though. Just, please refrain from insulting music you are unfamiliar with. Or, wait, are you familiar with it, but just nuts. Or is that not nuts enou.... forget it. Still, it's in bad taste to insult someone's musical tastes, even if it does suck. Would you be so kind to answer my questions? I really do want to know what you are/aren't on, and the extent of your familiarity with Phish. Oh, and what your own musical background is... for curiosity's sake. Thankyouverymuch.

Ps: I think you need another verb in your sentence. You know, between "from" and "another". Heh, thats a good one. You're a few verbs short of a sentence. Love to you!

Phil
<funklord@lycos.com>

Well, your letter certainly served to erase any misguided notions we might have had of Phish fans. With such a fine representative as you, Phish's reputation is sure to benefit.

In bad taste,

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

I'd like to point out that "Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid On Earth" by Chris Ware (Pantheon Books) doesn't even suck passively. I don't know whether it's "Comix" or "Comics", or maybe the trendier and more high-minded "Graphic Novel," but it's definitely a pleasant little diversion.

Disclaimers:

1) Yes, Pantheon is a division of Random House, and

2) Yes, as my domain name indicates, I work there, but

3) No, as a tiny cog, I don't get anything more out of promoting Random House titles than I would out of uttering such unsavory lies as "Harry Potter is the shit."

Regards,

Doug Hirn
<DHirn@randomhouse.com>

Nice one! Keep kissing the ass that feeds like that and you won't be a tiny cog in the wheel for long!

Agreed on Jimmy Corrigan. He's not the cutest kid on earth, but he IS the smartest! Buy the book, kids. Chris Ware deserves to drive a nice car, don't you think?

Shallowly,

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Hi!

I like your site very much, and want to read it on my palm, but todays sync (4. oct.) provided me with nothing — the is no content on the avantgo channel Suck!

Matjaz Mohor
<matjaz.mohor@email.si>

October 4th was a Wednesday. Wednesday is Filler Day. Can your palm display the full-color illustrative stylings of Terry Colon? I think not.

Time to boot up that computer like a real man.

Sucksters

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 
The Whys of Tammy Faye

40th,

With regards to your excellent piece of writing on the necessity and importance of Fort Necessity, we salute you. Often times, the writing is overshadowed by Terry Colon's cartoons, but this piece makes any cartoons unnecessary, your prose proving to be ample illustration. From the first paragraph to the last, this piece is unified and beautiful, and provides a historical context and a historical understanding rarely seen in the modern world. Once again, we salute you for your excellent writing and perfectly timed piece. Now more than ever, the roots of our fine country must be remembered, lest we slip into the decadent weakness of the Roman Empire, which ran well and successfully for many hundreds of years, but whose corruption had despoiled the virtue, grace, and integrity which allowed it to rise to its lofty position.

Thank you and we hope that you continue this fine work.

Pam Gallagher
<pdg14@portone.com>

Thank you.

I was going to write a long note saying that the entire American experience will be justified if 2000 years from now it resulted in entertainment as cheesily bizarre as this summer's Gladiator, but thanks to Mel Gibson and the producing team who spoiled the joy of an actor in a rubber suit stepping on miniatures we got one 1800 years early. Plus it was kind of a lame point on my part even without that realization.

40th Street Black

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 
Filler 10.4.00

Who's the girl in the white shirt? She's cute.

Shame she keeps getting changed into a dope-smoking squirrel. Is it hormonal?

Jacob
<riffage@hotmail.com>

That's my friend Veronica. Want me to tell her you like her? I'll tell her for you, if you want. Then I'll tell her that Jacob stinks and I wouldn't touch that dork with a ten foot pole.

Which means you'd have to have a ten foot pole to touch me, since I'd be at least ten feet away at all times. But something tells me you don't have a fucking ten foot pole in your possession.

You know, suddenly I'm thinking there should really be a variation on that phrase, like "I wouldn't touch him with an eight-inch pole." Nah, too literal.

Oh! Hold on, I've got call waiting.

Hi again. That was Veronica. She says you make her fucking sick, and that you should stay the fuck away from her. In the immortal words of Kerry Lauerman, you make her want to go rough up a puppy.

Wow. I'm way too juvenile to do my job right now. Hold on, I write for something called "Suck". I guess my heart will go on.

Not only will my heart go on, but I'll ride horses on the fucking beach at Santa Monica, so fuck you, you loogie-hocking son of a bitch.

Maybe I'm the one who should get changed into a drug-addled rodent.

Pointlessly aggro,

Polly

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

polly;

i don't know who the squirrel in human form was supposed to be, but thank god you changed her back to the squirrel. i was watching buffy last night night, and they have this new character: buffy's sister whom we've never seen before. it was just horrible. it was very cathartic, therefore, when you turned a new annoying character into an old familiar one. i mean, come on, who the hell doesn't think ikea rocks in real life?

your pal mal
<aztec_mummy@centropolis.org>

Well, Mal, far be it from me to pick fights with a Buffy fan, but Veronica is in fact an old familiar character. She's been around longer than the squirrel, in fact. What happened was, Veronica started to bore me slightly. I didn't like her hair or her face. I, Polly, am utterly McNasty in real life, whereas the real Veronica is much cuter than her cartoon counterpart. Plus, I have a habit of getting rid of all Filler's intellectual characters. I guess I don't like having characters around that make me look dumb. Remember Ana, or the barrel? No, you wouldn't remember the barrel, would you, since you have the long-term memory of a flea.

On snippy yet utterly un-clever days like this, I think I'd be better suited for a job at Ed Debevic's.

Ready to sing "Respect" badly,

Polly

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

Polly, Terry —

I like the red, hooded sweater. It's in perfect fashion for you: one week out of date, but worn comfortably fresh and adorable. Thanks, it makes me smile out loud.

Brock
<brochtrup@hotmail.com>

In stark contrast, reading your comments should make the rest of our audience shudder and wretch. I do appreciate the kind words about the sweatshirt, though, considering how tough it was to get Terry to draw me in anything but that weird feminine version of the Charlie Brown sweater. I'm still not sure why he's so insistent on having me wear little stud earrings and ribbons in my hair, when such accessories really belong on a woman who actually has the energy to accessorize, like a bank teller or some kind of account executive. This type of person also owns an iron and an ironing board, subscribes to Vogue, and rarely says things like, "Actually, that sweatshirt isn't 'fresh' at all — I've been wearing it for the past 3 days straight!"

You've hit the nail on the head with that "you're so last week" comment — all my fashions are almost exactly one week behind the times. Not hopelessly boomer-type dorky, like fanny packs and big denim skirts with white running shoes — but slightly last week, like cropped sweatshirts and army pants. I catch onto styles about the time they hit Old Navy in mass-produced form — which is convenient, since they're about 80% cheaper by then.

Wow, talking about bargains is so unsexy and early-90s, isn't it?

Ok, I guess that's enough to turn your loud smile into a loud frown.

Choose to disillusion,

Polly

 
[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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