for 10 October 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

Who's the girl in the white shirt? She's cute.

Shame she keeps getting changed into a dope-smoking squirrel. Is it hormonal?

Jacob
<riffage@hotmail.com>

That's my friend Veronica. Want me to tell her you like her? I'll tell her for you, if you want. Then I'll tell her that Jacob stinks and I wouldn't touch that dork with a ten foot pole.

Which means you'd have to have a ten foot pole to touch me, since I'd be at least ten feet away at all times. But something tells me you don't have a fucking ten foot pole in your possession.

You know, suddenly I'm thinking there should really be a variation on that phrase, like "I wouldn't touch him with an eight-inch pole." Nah, too literal.

Oh! Hold on, I've got call waiting.

Hi again. That was Veronica. She says you make her fucking sick, and that you should stay the fuck away from her. In the immortal words of Kerry Lauerman, you make her want to go rough up a puppy.

Wow. I'm way too juvenile to do my job right now. Hold on, I write for something called "Suck". I guess my heart will go on.

Not only will my heart go on, but I'll ride horses on the fucking beach at Santa Monica, so fuck you, you loogie-hocking son of a bitch.

Maybe I'm the one who should get changed into a drug-addled rodent.

Pointlessly aggro,

Polly

polly;

i don't know who the squirrel in human form was supposed to be, but thank god you changed her back to the squirrel. i was watching buffy last night night, and they have this new character: buffy's sister whom we've never seen before. it was just horrible. it was very cathartic, therefore, when you turned a new annoying character into an old familiar one. i mean, come on, who the hell doesn't think ikea rocks in real life?

your pal mal
<aztec_mummy@centropolis.org>

Well, Mal, far be it from me to pick fights with a Buffy fan, but Veronica is in fact an old familiar character. She's been around longer than the squirrel, in fact. What happened was, Veronica started to bore me slightly. I didn't like her hair or her face. I, Polly, am utterly McNasty in real life, whereas the real Veronica is much cuter than her cartoon counterpart. Plus, I have a habit of getting rid of all Filler's intellectual characters. I guess I don't like having characters around that make me look dumb. Remember Ana, or the barrel? No, you wouldn't remember the barrel, would you, since you have the long-term memory of a flea.

On snippy yet utterly un-clever days like this, I think I'd be better suited for a job at Ed Debevic's.

Ready to sing "Respect" badly,

Polly

Polly, Terry —

I like the red, hooded sweater. It's in perfect fashion for you: one week out of date, but worn comfortably fresh and adorable. Thanks, it makes me smile out loud.

Brock
<brochtrup@hotmail.com>

In stark contrast, reading your comments should make the rest of our audience shudder and wretch. I do appreciate the kind words about the sweatshirt, though, considering how tough it was to get Terry to draw me in anything but that weird feminine version of the Charlie Brown sweater. I'm still not sure why he's so insistent on having me wear little stud earrings and ribbons in my hair, when such accessories really belong on a woman who actually has the energy to accessorize, like a bank teller or some kind of account executive. This type of person also owns an iron and an ironing board, subscribes to Vogue, and rarely says things like, "Actually, that sweatshirt isn't 'fresh' at all — I've been wearing it for the past 3 days straight!"

You've hit the nail on the head with that "you're so last week" comment — all my fashions are almost exactly one week behind the times. Not hopelessly boomer-type dorky, like fanny packs and big denim skirts with white running shoes — but slightly last week, like cropped sweatshirts and army pants. I catch onto styles about the time they hit Old Navy in mass-produced form — which is convenient, since they're about 80% cheaper by then.

Wow, talking about bargains is so unsexy and early-90s, isn't it?

Ok, I guess that's enough to turn your loud smile into a loud frown.

Choose to disillusion,

Polly

I have been a regular reader of Suck for who knows how long, and I just wanted to say that I think your work is fantastic. It's getting to the point when I am reading an article and I really like it, I pretty much guess that you wrote it. More often than not, this is true. I enjoy your choice of subject matter and your writing style very much. Keep up the excellent work!

Also, I was just wondering what the handle 40th Street Black refers to.

Carl F. Hertz
<chertz@nfgslim.com>

"40th Street Black" was a throwaway character in the movie Let's Do It Again, a Poitier/Cosby movie full of great names such as "Biggie Smalls." According to my search engine, I no longer am the only person using the name. If one of the rap artists who uses the name ever breaks out, I'll go back to my original choice, "Chuck D."

Best,

40th Street Black

Dear 40th St. Black,

I never cease to be amazed by the topics you come up with for your articles. In this case you've really one-upped me. Although I knew about Washington's participation in the French and Indian War, I had never run across the anecdote about Fort Necessity. But I think you're really right about Washington's rather ill-defined persona as a national hero. The most interesting discussion I've ever come across of him is in Gore Vidal's historical novel Burr — Vidal portrays him as a disastrous military leader but as an extremely canny political one. The novel would make material for a movie, if anyone other than history buffs knew who Aaron Burr was. I had little interest in seeing The Patriot — a three hour movie starring Mel Gibson is not my cup of tea — but my guess is that one reason the film fared so weakly at the box office is that most Americans are not strongly interested in scrutinizing the birth pangs of their country. Writers like Cooper, Hawthorne, and Melville still regarded the Revolution with feelings of Oedipal ambiguity, but who wants to revisit that territory today? Thanks for a really enjoyable and informative piece of writing!

Best wishes,

Dave Clayton
<daveclayton@worldnet.att.net>

I read Burr as well as the Lincoln book (Lincoln?), and found both of them entertaining even in their broad use of dramatic license. I don't recall the portrayal of Washington as much as the vicious glee with which Vidal, through the character of Burr, attacked Thomas Jefferson. I'm pretty sure the Lincoln book was filmed, and the Burr book wasn't — although I remember reading about a unfilmed script set in the time of the American revolution that was just as bitchy and mean, that treated all the various big-time politicians of the 1770s as excessive, over-the-top personalities, including (I'm working from memory here) Madison's unresolved crush on General Washington.

I do think audiences avoided "The Patriot" in its initial days of release because the "boring" flag went up, but then stayed away due to initial audience reaction. It was also really long.

Best,

40th Street Black

While I do appreciate the cynical, dark satire at which Suck excels, I found your "George W Lost Here" ironically uplifting. Keep it up!

Susan Straight
<susanstraight@hotmail.com>

I'll take it on faith that your compliment wasn't ironically intended.

Thank you.

40th Street Black

Excellent piece — the American creation myth could always use a dose of context and humility. By the way, I'm really enjoying your work. It's high quality stuff, and it's helped make Suck really interesting again.

brett

I think most nations romanticize their beginnings, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you assert there are times when a more realistic view is useful, if not necessary.

Best,

40th Street Black

That Christopher Reeve joke was merciless(ly funny). One heck of a story today. Kinda like a quick version of a Ron Rosenbaum "Edgy Observer" column.

Gil Roth
<gil@rodpub.com>

Thanks for the flattering comparison. Be on the lookout for cutting-edge jokes about Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole's prostate in future dailies.

Best,

40th Street Black

The Shit

Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott

Five-Star Day Cafe Athens, Ga.

Salon's "Action Figures" TV ad

Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends

Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)

George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)

King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)

Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)

The ECW's Little Spike Dudley

Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)

Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000

Star Dudes

Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.