The Fish
for 5 September 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor


Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

1. Horseradish 2. Fifteen different
Yiddish words to describe levels of
human stupidity from mild
incompetence to out and out
bastardry (thanx, S.J. Perelman for
pointing this out.) 3. S. J.
Perelman, 4. J.L. Dreyfus (on
Seinfeld), 5. Jews embodied the
only alternative to rampant
anti-intellectualism in LA when I
was growing up in that hateful
megalopolis, 6. R. Crumb,
especially for coining the phrase
"Hateful megalopolis" to describe
LA, 7. Joseph Heller, 8. Women that
make a beta-male feel like he
shouldn't toss himself off a bridge
just yet, 9. Mel Brooks when he was
young and funny, 10. everything
else I can't remember now. I still
think that Joseph Lieberman is a
baptist in Jewish drag, and
Spielberg's bar-mitzvah movies like
Saving Private Ryan are ways of
trying to ease his Jewish
guilt--but he should feel all the
more guilty that it wasn't Saving
Private Horowitz. Keep it up -
you're on to something, as usual.

Richard Von Busack

You know, it's funny you should
mention Horseradish, because when I
was younger, Jews, like
Horseradish, just made no sense to
me. Too strong and bitter! Now,
though, I find both truly
delightful, and loathe the bland,
squirming pussy who avoided them in
the past. I had no backbone. I
couldn't handle them. Now I'm drawn
to them like a moth to spicy
mustard and raw onions.

Open-minded, with chronic

Fish With Letter Icon

Excellent article, really!

I've been reading Filler for ages,
so I think I know your style well
enough to understand that your
comments about us Jews are not
ironic or baiting in the least.

I know you're going to get a lot of
miserable flame mail from a lot of
Jews and anti-Semites, but let me
tell you that I am very flattered
by comments which come as close as
Suck gets to genuine praise. I
don't know how Jews tend to avoid
getting to the Unhinged level, but
I think it has something to do with
that extra special blend of
humility and humiliation that only
ethnic people know.

Incidentally - you know "that one
rat bastard whose name he can't
even speak for fear his tongue
falls off"? For me, that guy is a
Wacko In Denial. Terry Colon even
got the unibrow right! I wonder if
this is true for a lot of other
people too...they are easily the
most irritating of the disturbed.


The Pie Guy

You know, I haven't received a
single flame mail, not from Jews or
anti-Semites. First of all, this
proves my point that Jews are proud
of their distinguishing
characteristics and culture, as
well they should be, and don't take
themselves too seriously. I mean,
that's the point. You can't scream
and then hug and have lunch
together if you take yourself so
goddamn seriously like the rest of
us miserable non-Jewish humans do.

Or maybe it's an ethnic thing. But
what exactly does that mean,
"ethnic"? What an awful bland
American concept: you're either a
pasty, uninspired, flaccid, droopy
WASP or Catholic, or you're
"ethnic", "colorful", "feisty."

Actually, come to think of it, my
take on Jewish people IS pretty
annoying and not entirely healthy -
sort of like the idea that women
are "wild" and "emotional" and
"untamable" and therefore, you
know, unemployable and really pesky
when they're on the rag. I mean,
how much do we, in the socially
restrictive Western World, truly
respect those who break the
boundaries of social norms and act
exactly how they feel? We might
applaud it loudly, but still turn
our backs and at some level hold
onto the idea that such behavior
isn't quite as "classy" as the
behavior of snooty bottle-blond
aristocratic corpses, sniffing and
pouting over spotty forks.

When I say "we" I mean "them", of
course, since I'm an emotional
wreck and my forks are quite

Whatever. It is what it is, you

Fish With Letter Icon

[Insert funny Jewish salutation

Oh! Suck's going to generalize
about personality disorders!
Awesome. I always get a laugh out
of stuff like this, because I never
match any of the trite categories
and am confidently aware of the
fact that I'm a well-rounded,
complex human being. But I'm not.
I'm jewish! But I'm not! I'm

Have I turned into a jew by leaving
my traditional faith? Are people
jewish by default? I didn't fit
neatly into any other category but
"jew" - and it was entirely
accurate. Thanks, Polly! I was
well-rounded and appropriately
complex but now I'm just jewish!
Help me out here. What the hell am
I supposed to do? I don't know any
clever jewish phrases. Do I have to
marry a jewish woman now? Should I
move out of Brooklyn Heights? Can I
be a closet jew?

Oh well. I'm not mad. I'm over it.
I think I'll go eat.

AGH! There it goes again!

help me,

Russell Warner

How did you get all that Jewishness
without inheriting it? That's not
fair, man.

The only thing you're missing is
pride in your heritage. Get on that
and get back to me.

Fish With Letter Icon


I'm an American living in Germany.
and when I first got AOl I paid 10
DM and got 2 free hours, and then
paid 3. something per minute. Now I
pay 10 DM and get no free hours.
But the other day I went to my bank
to get the backup that Aol sends
monthly and was told "AOL doesn't
sent it no more so I went on the
internet to get the info." My
question to this man was, "How did
you get my monthly charge without
using my password?" Which means if
he did use my password, AOl gave it
to him: I have asked AOL and sent
an email to Steve Case, and still
haven't gotten a response. This is
like dealing with the KGB.

Kathleen Daniel
Steve Case never wrote
you back? Wow! What a jerk! That is
just like dealing with the KGB!
Maybe you should ask that banker
man who he gets his information
from. Sounds like he's got some
good connections in the upper
eschelons, nudge nudge, wink wink.
Work that angle.

But wait - why are you on AOL? Or
more importantly, why are you
living in Germany? And why are you
contacting me about this? Do you
suspect that I have ins with the
KGB? Before we explore the symptoms
you're experiencing, we really have
to look closely at the deeper
causes behind your problems. You
Fish With Letter Icon
Suck's Fifth Anniversary!

have been reading suck nearly every
day for years, except when I
forget. having worked on a computer
since mag-cards were cool, (over 25
years), I am considered old school.
Almost as old as some of you must

Why haven't you people ever cleared
the air about the connection
between suck and wired? that would
make a good flash-back cycle. Six
years in cyber-time is like what,
2,000 years in real time. You could
almost get away with recycling old
strips and only a few of us old
guys/gals would notice, or have you
already been there, done that, and
we didn't notice. Oh Shit, you did,
didn't you! And I missed it. I must
be getting older than I thought. 25
years in this industry and I still
can't get my VCR to stop blinking
12:00, 12:00, 12:00 over and over
and over.

oh what the fuck, keep up the good


Mark Miletich

p.s. how come you haven't mentioned on your site.
It's a great place to visit and
watch your stock crash.

The connection between Suck and
Wired has been public knowledge
since 1995, and we mention it all
the time, but you fucking kids
never listen. HotWired owned Suck,
Wired and HotWired were linked
entities. Then Conde Nast bought
Wired, and Lycos bought HotWired
(and Suck with it). Founder Joey
Anuff has joined with Feed founders
to form a new entity, Automatic
Media, which Suck will be a part
of. This is a move towards more
independence and resources for
Suck, not another takeover.

Due to the many handovers and
turnovers and takeovers and
transitions, though, we're less
inclined to browse sites like
fuckedcompany idly without wringing
our hands and needing a strong

Funny that you should mention
recycling old cartoons, though,
since next week's Filler does just
that, to great effect. And yes, we
have done it before, and no, you
didn't notice. You fucking kids
deserve a smack most of the time.

Thanks for writing, and keep up the
good Industry work. Just rest
assured, we call you kids, but
you're a lot older than us, grampy.

Fish With Letter Icon

Time Out!

Dear Tom Spurgeon,

Your piece for today's Suck was
well worth waiting for — insightful
and very well-written. But almost
invisible changes of this kind
always prepare the ground for far
more profound social
transformations. Christopher Hill,
in one of his books about the
English Reformation, pointed out
how one of its effects was to
eliminate the incredible number of
religious holidays in the calendar,
thus furthering the onset of
large-scale industrialization with
its need for an orderly rhythm of
production. And there are still
dorky historians who deny the
existence of any link between
Protestantism and the rise of

From 1972 to 1977, I worked
teaching American studies at the
J.W. Goethe U in Frankfurt am Main,
and one day I had a real epiphany
while walking past the present day
headquarters of the Institute for
Social Research. Across the street
I saw a repair truck from a company
that supplied standard time to
schools, businesses, etc. At that
moment, I realized for the first
time consciously that the reason
for having timed periods marked by
the regular sounding of
electrically controlled bells in
American schools was not just to
provide organization to the school
day but, much more importantly, to
accustom students to the routine
they were going to face once they
graduated and went to work. I know
it sounds like fiction but it
really happened. It must have been
the voice of Adorno--whose
apartment had been just across from
my office at the Amerika-Institut
and whose widow still lived
there--whispering in my ear aus dem
Jenseits. One of my few regrets
about my European sojourn was that
I arrived a couple of years too
late to have heard him. But
therefore I did get to see Lacan at
the top of his form in Paris.

Have a great day — you
certainly deserve it.

Best wishes,

Dave Clayton

Thanks Dave, for reading, and
thanks for your note. I think
you're dead-on correct about the
relationship between school
routines and work routines, and if
I could have said so sounding more
like you and less like some crazy
'zine writer from the '70s decrying
the spread of shopping malls, that
would have been made explicit in
the essay.

Ironically, I faked illness for as
much schooling as I could, and
those days at home drinking 7-Up,
eating Buddig Ham sandwiches and
watching Jay Ward cartoons came to
dictate the rhythms of my current
adult workday. There's no escape,


40th Street Black
Fish With Letter Icon


Another well done piece, with
transitions from point to point
while remaining on topic worthy of
James Burke (Connections). When
will you stop teasing us with these
columns and write a book for us,


Malcolm Jean

Hi, Malcolm:

That's the nicest damn note I've
ever received from anyone,
anywhere, at any time. Thank you.

What's a book again?


Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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