The Fish
for 1 September 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Publisher








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 
I Love The Blob

Dear Pete,

By a strange coincidence I happen
to go to the EMP for the first time
on the Friday your suck column came
out. I remembered all the bad
Stranger press (mocking the Seattle
Weekly's mostly 'glowing' press).

I'm from Akron, Ohio originally and
my parents are charter members of
the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. I've
probably been there about 5 times
and they don't change the exhibits
all that often. (They did take out
the Seattle-themed one though).

I remember meeting a Cleveland Free
Times editor at the Murder City
Devils show for the opening and he
did mention that he had no idea how
the museum would play for regular
people during their visit since the
press visits let them play on all
the exhibits as long as they want.

That was kind of my problem. The
actual information was great.
Mind-blowing to some extent. I
couldn't get myself to concentrate
on any one wall that wasn't from my
time-frame reference so I already
knew all the information anyways. I
kept getting stupidly excited
seeing quick video clips of
Sleater-Kinney and the MCDs. This
was probably because I felt like I
had hardly any connection to the
musicians actually interned in the
Rock Hall. Either way the museum is
probably worth 2 trips.

But the long waits ruined what was
interactive. I had a 20-minute wait
to get into the Sound Lab and once
you get in every activity had its
own wait. (And this was on a
relatively "slow" day) I thought it
was a good idea in theory but in
practice it didn't work. No
activity is fun after waiting a 1/2
hour for it.

But none of the press was going to
pick up on that. I had one friend
who got to pre-opening and she had
been telling me how great the Sound
Lab was, how she spent 45 minutes
playing the drums alone. Same thing
with the On Stage exhibit.

I'm not sure what the museum could
have actually done to fix this
problem, (although the Artist's
Journey sure moved at a quick clip)
but it was worth noting because no
one noticed it. It kind of like
those Rolling Stone writers who
wrote about all the carnage of
Woodstock 99 from the safety of
backstage.

Maybe that's overblown, but a
rock'n'roll museum ain't like a
Natural History musuem. It's more
like one of those Science Center
places. The theory is great, now
how does it work in real life?

Rachel Larris
<catrina1077@hotmail.com>

Good point about the long lines.
The EMP is supposedly getting fewer
visitors than they projected, but
maybe they should ideally be
attracting even fewer than that? Oh
well, long lines never discouraged
people from visiting Disneyland.

Peter Bagge
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Peter Bagge,

Another nice essay. The EMP sounds
like a neat bit of architecture.
Here in Cleveland we have the rock
hall of fame. Which, although a
wild looking glass
pyramid-shaped-thingy , I just
can't muster the interest to
investigate.

The whole rock museum thing just
eludes me. I still collect records,
which drives my wife to distraction
("Oh no! Not another thrift store
find, no more crappy records!" ) .
I just don't want to look at Elvis'
jumpsuit. As I'm closing in on the
big four- O, and still find myself
bidding on Ebay for LPs, I have
paused to consider the sickness
that is rock & roll.

First, I believe that, like ducks
we imprint on the music that we
hear when at a certain
developmental stage. At twelve I
was convinced that the Sweet's "Fox
on the Run" was the greatest song
ever written. Probably because it
was what was on the radio that
year.

Then there's that rebellion thing.
My parents hated rock, which was a
big vote in favor of Hendrix and
his ilk. That also may explain why
boomer-hated rap will bury rock.

Finally, music probably is more
significant as a badge of identity
than any esthetic considerations.
We like what we like simply because
it identifies us to our peers. If
all the guys at work dig country
then you will too.

Good luck, and keep mowing that
front yard, you middle class white
guy.

Michael Chicchelly
<mikeamy@stratos.net>

Good points. And a lot of people
made comparisons between the EMP
and the R 'n' R Hall of Fame, with
most finding the latter the more
wanting between the two. I've never
been, so I can't say. I've also
never been to a Hard Rock Cafe,
which is another place the EMP has
been compared too! I just can't be
bothered to wait on a long line
only to wind up paying too much
money on a hamburger.

Peter B


Hi there,

I loved your piece on the EMP. I've
only lived in Seattle for two years
(expat new yorker) but the

gossipy high school music scene
here is really crazy- it's like you
took all the worst things about the
Brit music scene (NME and all that)
and crystalized it to fit a small
city. The "struggling DJ" thing had
me giggling (and i'm up at 10 on a
sunday, hung over, because I have
to *work* today- and I work 9 to
5). The taconic thing- man, your
family does owe the entire state of
NY an apology. I grew up in
Westchester, where you have to take
the Taconic to go anywhere that
isn't Westchester, and driving up
to Albany on those narrow creepy
highway lanes is no fun at all. I
drove up from my mom's house to my
best friend's house in Albany in
June, at about 11pm, and I was
practically hallucinating that I
would either drive off the road or
a big scary Forest Thing would jump
out at me on my way. The taconic
would lose to any other highway in
the country if they played paper
rock scissors.

<alice@tiara.org>

I forgot to add the link to whiney
The Stranger article! Here 'tis:
http://www.thestranger.com/
2000-06-15/feature.html

That one comment regarding the
Taconic Parkway elicited a lot of
comments, both pro and con. I think
it's a very nice ride myself (I
also grew up in Westchester), and
while the exits are indeed
harrowing, they also were just
about the FIRST exit ramps ever
made. Like Paul Allen says, ya
gotta throw things out there before
you can work out the kinks! What's
a few hideous car crashes in the
name of progress?

Peter B
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


"It's always painful to watch an
art form become institutionalized."

this is especially true of your sad
lifeless imitations of the 70's ZAP
comix artists (crumb
wilson,moscosso etc) that adorn
your colum. you are so lame as to
"draw" your ,all to fitting ,name
on the first lame frame.terry
should be ashamed to work on the
same ezine...

what the fuck. i thimk this every
time i see your pathetic copycat
doodles . this time must mention it
YOU CANT DRAW nothin but flies

Anonymous
<anonymous@anonymizer.com>

Please don't hurt me, Anonymous
Fellow Baby Boomer!

Peter B
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


OK, but it's still a hideous blight
set smack in the middle of one of
Seattle's most important landmarks.

And they charge more than any other
museum.

Sally Neary
<Sally.Neary@pss.boeing.com>

The Seatle Center may be an
important landmark, but it could
also be considered a hideous blight
if were weren't all so used to it.

But you're right, $20 is pretty
steep. I'd suggest paying it only
if you intend to spend the entire
day there.

Peter B
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


The money that Paul Allen has seems
to be the real issue. Also, being a
detractor can turn into a full-time
job in this huckster-land, and some
people just can't enjoy anything
for fear of selling out. Ironic,
since pop has been about selling
out (records, concert halls,
stadiums) since its inception.

For me it's easier to choose
carefully what stuff I want to let
in, and what stuff is a waste of
time. Paul's life and works
(includes most anything by
Microsoft) are on the waste-of-
time list, and this is no
exception. To be that far along in
life and still listen mostly to the
music of one's childhood betrays a
sad lack of growth and learning.

People who still "believe" in Rock
are going to be laid to rest some
day near those who believed in
Vaudeville, and no one will be able
to tell the difference when they
dig them up to build a Techno
hall-of- fame.

CD Krall
<cdkrall@earthlink.net>

I still mostly listen to the music
of my youth, but only because it's
BETTER than anything to come along
since!

Peter B
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Grand job on 'I luv the Blob', you
captured the wonderful stupidity of
of both the EMP itself, and all the
hype around it. As a transplanted
Seattlite living in NYC, I took a
lot of heat from my buds over the
whole thing. 'Silly Little Seattle,
adding another useless eyesore' was
all I heard as it opened up (and
people who grew up in Queens or
Newark, really shouldn't be
talking). But after forwarding over
your article, they all agreed, 'The
best things in life are DUMB. '

Andy
<andy@trade.com>

PS You the same Bagge who played
with the Action Suits?

No, that was also my Grandfather.
Kidding! It was me. We Bagges
specialize in creating EAR-sores as
well.

Peter B
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Your grandfather bones should be
disinterred and scattered to the
wind, his tombstone ground into
gravel and used as pot hole fill,
and all mention of his name
expunged from the public record.

Those are the worst freaking
on-ramps ever.

The rest of the taconic parkway is
pretty nice though.

Ciao

Ben <bschwabe@mit.edu>

Now I'm getting pissed. My family's
honor is being TRASHED! From now on
you New Yorkers better learn to
LOVE the Taconic Parkway or ELSE!

Peter B.
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I've never seen the EMP, so I won't
attempt to compare uglinesses.
Instead, I'll just mention a
building that would insult the
term, "eyesore" - The Frederick R.
"Gaudy" Weisman Art Museum:
http://hudson.acad.umn.edu/
WAMbldg.html This overgrown version
of a garbage can attacked by
firecrackers sits not in the middle
of the rest of Minneapolis's steel
and glass structures, where it
might actually provide a welcome
respite from the boredom. No,
they've perched it very prominently
on the otherwise beautifully wooded
sandstone/limestone cliffs
overlooking the Mississippi River.
The architect, Frank O. Gehry,
attempts to justify his crime.
"They told me not to build another
brick lump." I doubt that anyone
told him to create steel scat,
though. As an alumna of the U. of
Minnesota, and as someone who
believes that there is a place for
everything (and this structure is
definitely OUT of place), I am
deeply saddened by the lack of
consideration given to the natural
beauty of the river, its bluffs,
and the campus itself, in the whole
process of designing and
constructing this...this...debris.
I can only hope that, in the
afterlife, all those responsible
for this will be sentenced to an
eternity of staring at their idiocy
- and I don't even care if they
enjoy it!

JSJ
< jjoriss@agribank.com>

I'm not familiar with this
particular building, but I know
that Frank Gehry has made some real
dogs in his day, so I don't doubt
your criticism. Perhaps Suck should
run a contest: "Draw your least
favorite Frank Gehry building!" The
ugliest entry wins.

Peter B
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
Hit & Run

"Maxim's recipe for success may be
ripped off by other men's magazines
like FHM..."

er, no. Maxim actually ripped off
FHM when Felix Dennis launched it
in the UK, except that it did so
poorly in comparison (and still
does) that he decided to create a
US version, and refocus on a market
dominated by— well, Details
—which was ripe for
exploitation with big tits and tall
tales.

The American success of Maxim, a
pale imitation of the lads' mag
instituted by Loaded back whenever,
continues to amaze us across the
pond.

Nick Sweeney
<nick@only.org>

Oh, the old "Who Are They Ripping
Off" Game. This should be added to
a revised Y2K edition of "Urban
Hipster Mantras."

Oh, the pale imitations! Oh, the
agony!

Thanks for playing!

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Today's edition was so damn funny I
near about pooped my pants.
Especially the segment about
5-letter magazine names. And I was
inspired by the hopelessly
irresponsible innuendo regarding
Mrs. Bush's driving record. Rock
on, Sucky!

Erik Rader
<erader@ontheboards.org>

Sucky Say: Whoop! There It Is!

A Free Fuck You Custard Pie to the
first 50 readers who send in
thrillingly (or chillingly)
outdated sayings from the '80s and
'90s.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


My beloved Sucksters,

Even before I write the e-mail
which will invoke such sorrow at
the workplace, I send one to you. I
am leaving, Suck. Yes, I am exiting
stage left, or, more accurately,
stage west. Lookit all them commas.

For the last two years, I have been
reading you faithfully on a daily
basis. I also, in a fit of
desperation, read your entire
archive. Nobody ever told me what
happened to Zero Baud, by the way.
I suppose it's pretty much
incorporated into Hit & Run at this
stage?

Suck has cured me of hangovers and
chased headaches away. Suck has
kept me real. Suck has provided me
with a vast array of
clever-sounding phrases which I can
draw upon when conversing with my
betters. Suck has protected me from
male pattern baldness. As a direct
result of Suck, my bong water is
sixty percent less grotty. Suck
made me the man I am today. It'd
really be best if you didn't ask
what sort of man, but were simply
satisfied with the fact that you
haven't altered my gender.

Every Wednesday, I try to spot
myself in Filler. It's generally
not too difficult, as I'm a
decaying urban hipster suffering
from a bad case of elitism and an
early-onset mid-life crisis. When I
spot myself, I give thanks that
someone out there in this big blue
world of ours is devoting a portion
of their life to mocking me. I'm
not sure why this is a good thing,
but I would be willing to sign a
legally binding document to shore
up my approval.

I've noticed that you get a lot of
mail which reads along the lines of
"You Suck! [Ed: Ha Ha] I'm never
reading you again!!!". I just
thought that I'd send this mail, in
all seriousness, to let you know
that I found your peculiar brand of
journalism/meme
dissemination/cynicism to be more
than worth the time I spent reading
it. You have a fantastic well of
intelligent and witty people
working for you, not to mention one
of the finest cartoonists I've run
into. Who is also funny and witty.
I assume.

Well, I won't have this fancy
internet where I'm going, nor will
I have one of these newfangled
personal computers. That's right,
I'm going to Canada! [Ed: ha, ha]
Actually, I'm going to live a life
of abject poverty while attempting
to stretch two months of savings to
cover the remaining two years of my
degree. Ah, the warm embrace of
Academia. I've missed it, so, these
last few years.

So, thank you for ensuring that I
never quite believed the hype, and
for making my lips twitch with
laughter as my co-workers peered
suspiciously over, and for putting
up that link to those two guys
having the contest to see who could
get laid first. That contest was
cool, and I kind of liked his
cartoons as well.

This is far too wordy, and so I
will condense:

Love you lots,

Liam Black

Thanks for the gracious words,
Liam. Come back soon. It won't be
the same without you.

We'll keep the archives warm for
you.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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