The Fish
for 24 August 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor


Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
Hit & Run

Dear Sucksters,

Scarier than postmodernism, but
worth asking: is it true that our
Lynne was a Director of
Martin-Marietta during the period
husband served as US Secretary of


Keith from HK, NY

Very interesting. We can neither
confirm nor deny this statement.

Mostly because we're too lazy to do

Fish With Letter Icon

Fish on Fish


I just saw your reply to my e-mail
from last week. It was a nice
surprise to see what a reasoned and
knowledgeable response my letter
and others elicited. You guys
really have done your homework,
despite first impressions.

I regret my suggestion that you
purposely insulted WWII veterans.
It was really damn early in the
morning when I sounded off, but now
I'm glad I said it, as your
response provided a fresh and
worthwhile point of view.

You're gentlemen.

Logan Rogers

Now that's something we haven't
heard in a long, long time.

OK. Or ever.

Thanks for the kind words, however


Fish With Letter Icon

The American Century 2.0

Nice piece with one exception. What
was up with the illustration of the
Amish guy? Was he supposed to be a
Quaker guy?

Even though there are many of us in
Pennsylvania, and the guy on the
cereal box is looking pretty funky
in that hat, Quakers don't dress
like Alexander Godudnov in Witness.

Common misconception. But of course
the comedy is lost if Terry drew
some hippy/frat kid or nice old
liberal crusty in the picture.

Then again, most people don't have
a clue what a Quaker is unless it's
the guy on the cereal box — let
alone that Nixon was one (God help
us all). And if they do know what a
Quaker is they probably think it's
all plain talk ("Wow, thou hast a
fine car John Book!" "Shut thy
mouth, or I'll pop a cap in thy
ass!") and running private schools.
Oh, wait. It is all plain talk and
running private schools. My bad.

But soon those private schools will
start sending polite well-mannered
children with the unnerving habit
of saying thee and thou and an odd
attachment to public service out in
the world. And then the Quaker
Terrorists' reign of terror will
have begun. Muhahahaha!

Too bad we'll still suck at sports.
Even the wuss Amish could probably
kick our collective ass. But we
come up with good names. Quaker
Terrorists — whoo hoo! Fight,
fight, inner light! Kill, Quakers,

Keep on sucking,

Jen Bonnell

You're right, Jen, here at Suck we
clearly don't have much of a clue
to the Quaker religion. However,
your letter, linking yet another
minority religious point of view to
fanatical violence and terrorism
will certainly help tear down those
barriers, much in the same spirit
that Senator Lieberman's nomination
has done over the past few weeks
for his Mormon faith.

Bert Blecht
Fish With Letter Icon
Filler: Third World Blind


Am I the only one a bit disturbed
by the fish's choice of lunchtime

A concerned reader

I, too, am concerned with the
Fish's fish lunch. Maybe the
blackened tadpole was on special,
and it sounded simply irresistible.
Or maybe Terry is slightly
unhinged. Through history, though,
the unhinged bring us the world's
greatest art, so we probably
shouldn't complain.

Fish With Letter Icon

so I guess a blind hog DOES find an
acorn every once in a while!

It is good to see that you can be
funny every once in a while.

remember - being narcissictic about
oneself - not funny misspelling
narcissictic while criticizing
another - funny live and lurn


Well, you can lead a blind hog to
acorns, but you can't make him eat
them. Hogs hate acorns.

And I have to disagree - is funny
misspelling narcissictic while
criticizing another!

You lurn something new every day!

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, longtimereader,
firsttimewriter. Your Generation Ex
bit was hilarious. A few months
back I got an e-mail from an
ex-girlfriend Angie who wanted some
advise about her current boyfriend,
Beau (natch), who was still
interested in his ex-gf Denise, who
was also an ex-gf of mine. Here's a
snippet from the letter I sent back
to Ang.

I read your story, but I can hardly
fathom it. So let me get this
straight: Your current boyfriend is
my ex's ex, and you, being his
girlfriend, are his ex's ex's ex,
making Denise both my ex and your
ex's ex? This makes me your ex, her
ex, his current's ex and his ex's
ex. I've never gotten so much ex in
all my life. It's the best ex I've
ever had. It's better than ex.

And to top it all off, Denise was
then seeing .....drumroll
please....former MTV VJ Alan
Hunter. I laughed myself silly when
I heard that.

Anyoldhow, keep up the killa filla.


Man, that means you're practically
related to Alan Hunter! Very cool!

Fish With Letter Icon

Just to let you know, Filler is
awesome. I've been reading it for a
while but never felt the urge to

However, I think the real reason we
don't like friends and ex's to get
together is that they'll share and
reveal some secret horrible truth
about you that could only be
gleaned from close intimate contact
by two people that know you too
well. Then the world will know that
the facade you present is only
that, a facade. Then you'll have to
invent a new facade. And that's so
hard and painful to do more than


Chris, I invent new facades as
often as I change my socks.

And, changing facades is like
changing socks, in that, often is
often not often enough.

It reminds me of an AA idea that
someone once shared with me:
uncovering layers of emotional
damage and dysfunction can be like
peeling off the layers of an onion
- every time you peel off one
layer, there's another layer
underneath. I can't think of any
metaphor that could make you crave
a drink more than that one does.

Cool, soothing beer...

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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