The Fish
for 4 August 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff
[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor
Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director
Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor
[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor
Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
Hit & Run


I'm no flag-bearer for morphing,
but, in truth, does any rail scream
"1994" quite as embarrassingly as
those against morphing?

As well, you'll note that a morph,
subtly rendered, can be a
provocative, destabilizing image;
see the one at the end of the *What
Lies Beneath* trailer, as the
antagonist utters the line, "Your
wife..." to a frazzled Harrison

Great take on *The Perfect Storm*,
though. Impressive, when I first
saw the trailer in the theatre;
have yet to see the movie, if only
for that reason. Meanwhile, on the
other hand, I've yet to tire from
the smarmy wit of what, to me, is
one of the great movie metaphors in
cinematic history: that of 1600
Pennsylvania Ave being stripped to
the atomic nucleus by an exawatt
alien ray gun in *Independence

Suck on,

Harry Allen

We'll assume you're joking about
the trick in the What Lies Beneath
trailer, which we suspect
discouraged more potential viewers
than it brought in. But there's
nothing more dismal than an effect
that's supposed to be really cool
but isn't. And morphing, whether
it's a morph of an X-Files villain,
of Shaq in Steel, or of Matt Damon in
Saving Private Ryan, is an effect
we can no longer look on without
feeling an acute sense of regret
and shame.

yr pal,

Morphin' Downey Jr.

Fish With Letter Icon


Just wanted to write and thank you
for referring to Shining Time
Station " an enduring if
inexplicable favorite among
still-drooling viewers." This
article made my day. I played
"Matt", the lovable moptop, on
Shining Time for the first Season
and a half before being replaced by
cheaper, more Canadian kids and
it's always funny to accidentally
find some kind of reference to it.
Suck just keeps getting better and
better. The Martin Lawrence piece
was mind blowing. What an
egotistical bastard. Back in my
day, I never asked to more than 3

keep up the good stuff,


You have a kindred spirit here. Or
you did, at any rate: Phil Bailey,
Suck's dearly departed production
guy, was once a star on the
Northern California version of
Romper Room. [Special alert for
Central Jersey headbangers: Phil's
band Systematic will be opening for
Napstercides Metallica at the
Meadowlands later this month. We
wish Phil the very best in his new
career as a rock and roll

Lovable Moptop

Fish With Letter Icon

You guys are just so arch.

Harley Davis

It's all so perfectly fucking
grand, isn't it?


Fish With Letter Icon

Robinson Crane: Kelsey Grammer
Marooned Again

"...that group of people
shipwrecked on that island, slowly
turning against each other."

But I still can't quite figure out
why I can't stop hearing Mr.Magoo's
voice when I read the Kelsey
Grammer cartoon.


I think it's because Terry's
illustration brings out the
Magooean sense of perserverance
that characterizes Grammer's
never-say-die efforts to transcend
his status as Frasier Crane. An
excellent artistic choice on
Terry's part, I say...


Fish With Letter Icon

"Olivier, or Branagh, or Selleck."

A non sequitur if ever I read one.
Great job on the rest of it,


Go back and look at the work. Three
Men and a Baby
compares favorably
with anything in the Olivier and
Branagh canons if you ask me. A lot
of that's due to the presence of
Gutenberg, of course, but Selleck
more than holds his own.


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run


Seeing that The Boy Who Would Be
King had picked one of his Pappy's
pasty doughy toadies as his VP was
the funniest thing I had
encountered in a good long while.
I'm hoping now that he wins, so his
presidency can be called "Bush II:
Electric Boogaloo".

Stochastically yours,


You must not encounter many funny
things, Random Guy. At Suck, the
concept of a Bush/Dick ticket is
considered so dull we can barely
keep from passing out in our
dribble cups.

Fish With Letter Icon

Sure, for cheesy pop culture
references one could site _Bull
Durham_, but my favorite sound bite
on Ms. S. is from David Wojnarowicz
in _Close to the Knives_ where he
refers to "Susan Whatshername" and
her opinions on photography.

Brian Zimmerman

If I had a name like "Wojnarowicz"
I'd be careful about calling
anybody "Whatshername." I've always
thought of that guy as "David
Whatsisname," actually.


Dick Cuntly
Fish With Letter Icon

I'm amazed that it took this long
for anyone to grasp the Phoebe
Cates-Susan Sontag motif. Zach
Galligan's character, of course,
was a blatant surrogate for Isaiah
Berlin, but you know how it is --
this stuff goes right over people's

Charlie Haas

So who was Keye Luke's
"Grandfather" character really
supposed to be?

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Suckers,

However grand and involved the
tandentious animated photo-shoot of
a febrile children's show may be,
the facts remain plain that I do
not want to subject anyone, let
alone children, to the
extraordinarily phallic, nay,
grotesquely penile imagery of
thomasetc. the whole idea of an
entire movie of these gigantic,
toroidly nimbused, upthrust, fat
and dirty stacks, chuffing and
sweating along in a whole-heartedly
and unabashedly erotic fashion is
just unbearable. It has made me
all-aquiver, gentlemen.


You may be on the right track,
Carl. But actually it's Alec
Baldwin who's the extraordinarily
phallic, toroidly nimbused,
upthrust, fat and dirty stack. And
that makes everybody in the Suck
mailroom, at least, all-aquiver.

Toroid Nimbus
Fish With Letter Icon

I really enjoyed hearing about what
an asshole Martin Lawrence is. I
remember hearing that Eddy Murphy
behaves similarly and wonder if
this is a common trait amongst
african-american comedians. Maybe
you could inform the suck reading
public of african-american
comedians that don't suck and whom
you haven't written about in the
last two months.

George Bush Jr. and Susan Sontag, I
really don't care to read about
these people. I'd prefer to hear
about Ralph Nader and Mother

Your motion picture recommendation
is disappointing. But if you're
target demographic is clean-living
infants maybe you're as smart as
the tobacco companies at capturing
your customers early.

If you're going to knock X-Men for
its visual effects maybe you should
let Terry give his opinion.

Also, maybe you could recommend
motion pictures by categories such
as R-rated, Action, Based on True
Story and Summertime Classic from
the Past. My nominations
respectively are The 5
Senses(Haven't seen it yet but I
hope that it will be good),
Gladiator, On The Ropes and A
Streetcar Named Desire.



Sadly, idiotic stars and the airs
they put on have no connection to
race, creed or color. If, like me,
you're a ravenous reader of books
about Gilligan's Island, you know
that no less a light than Tina
Louise was once a maniacally
pampered starlet. The pattern
Martin is following has less to do
with the color of his skin than
with the fact that he is an
absolute no-talent bum, a worthless
tub of goo incapable of giving a
funny line reading or a mildly
amusing reaction. Martin is the
death of all comedy, a vast,
flatulent blob who is to amusement
as Kryptonite is to Superman. When
I contemplate a world where Martin
Lawrence is considered a comic
master, I wonder if it was really
worth saving all those Calcutta
orphans back in the day.

Mother Teresa
Fish With Letter Icon

How Martin Lawrence became famous
for being a comedian is one of the
World's Greatest Mysteries, second
only to how Paulie Shore did the
same. He is so breath-takingly
unfunny that all the problems his
ego causes on the set are just
drops in a bucket. Anyone who can
withstand an two hour full frontal
Martin Movie assault sure as hell
will not be bothered by lighting
problems and continuity errors.

yr pal,


We're still waiting for Martin and
Pauly to team up for a new comedy
project. They could be the Kid and
Play of the aughts.

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes