for 27 July 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY. |
![[Tim Cavanaugh]](/fish/staff/images/tim.gif)
Tim Cavanaugh Special Guest Editor 
Terry Colon Art Director 
Heather Havrilesky Senior Editor ![[Phillip Bailey]](/fish/staff/images/phil.gif){kind=small}
Phillip Bailey Production Editor 
Joey Anuff Publisher 
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INDY 2000 Sucksters 
Maybe I just don't fit the general demographic profile of your readers, but I read Suck daily and know more than I care to recount about auto racing (on account of my dad raced cars for thirty years). Anyway, I enjoyed today's piece about the Indy 500. Wasn't that in, uh, May? Chris Rasmussen Glad you enjoyed our Indy 500 piece Chris, and no, you don't fit our demographic, as we know for a fact that Suck readers know nothing about auto racing and find calendars and their individual "dates" too much a nuisance to take seriously. FYI, the average Suck reader is an Asian female aged 58-64 with two or more kids living somewhere near Escondido. The reader profile you fit is that of Feed, our new strategic internet partner, which is a 24-hour interactive auto-racing fetish site that "date" stamps each and every new item they run. Given that our demographic and their demographic reciprocate perfectly (they are a proven circulation death watch for Asian females aged 58-64 with two or more kids living near Escondido, while we of course, OWN that bunch) we feel our Sucking and Feeding synergy will prove to be the internet market dynamo that finally helps us surpass Amazon.com in annual net profits. Bertolt Blecht  Dear Bertolt & Peter, Did somebody miss a deadline? I enjoyed it anyway. (By the way, I work with two guys who literally lock themselves in their homes with a case of Jack Daniels and a bottle of beer every Memorial Day, just to watch this spectacle on TV.) On another topic: Sucksters: don't let yourselves be bought by big(ger) corporate interests! Keep your edge, instead. Richard Banks richard.banks@cpa.state.tx.us> Deadline, dates — yawn. You'd love Feed, pally. Look, Pete and I are now definite racing culture aficionados and so when Pete suggested we lock ourselves in a room with a case of Jack Daniels and a bottle of beer and knock this thing out in record time and then get down to Escondido for a little mai tai action, I was all for it. But once the Suck fact checking dept. started off with their whole "They call it the Indy 500 because it takes place in Indianapolis, not Annapolis" whine of reasoning, it took forEVER to finish. We're not so sure about the Feed merger anyway, since both Amy Tan and Margaret Cho (who actually is between the ages of 58-64) called us "sell-outs" in the latest "Giant Robot." Bertolt Belcht As the wife of a former bike racer with a father-in-law who raced cars, the only two sports ever watched in OUR home are auto-racing and the Tour de France (football - bah! Who needs it?), and I LOVE your INDY coverage! I definitely think that you guys need to do the Tour de France next year and cover the glorious Lance Armstrong as he whips those French bike pussies a THIRD time! Peter's artwork is great too! I love Terry's stuff but it is nice to have a "stylistic break" now and then. Perhaps Peter and Terry could do a "color exchange" - Terry's pastels for Peter's primaries! Just a thought! Hey, the feminist in me LOVED the darling Sarah this year just like the cancer survivor in me ADORES Lance! Hope to see more of your stuff! And start angling for the free trip to France now! Elizabeth "I should be working" Hinkle-Turner Thanks for the kind words Elizabeth. Both Pete and I saw lots of women who feel the same way you do about racing out at Indy. The whole marketing strategy behind Sarah Fisher is to bring a new audience into the sport, and they've already got off to a good start. However, the average Suck reader that Chris and Richard were so worried about actually hates Lance Armstrong. In fact, according to our recent demo test group results, Suck won't be sending us to France next year but the Forbidden City in China, as apparently, the average Suck reader has a nostalgic soft spot for dŽtente era Sino-US ping pong matches of the early 70s. France is Feed territory, so I guess you'll be joining Chris and Richard over there. As for the Terry-Pete tension over coloring ... wow, have you hit a nerve around here. See, as long as Terry's "Uncle Tim" edits this site, what Terry wants Terry gets — and little Terry likes pastels... Well, Pete, a graduate of the Sorbonne and aforementioned fan of JD, once drunkenly referred to pastels as "the pedestrian's palette" at the Suck Xmas party at Lum Fong's, and Pete and Terry haven't spoken since. Meow, if you know what I mean. Bertolt Borscht Hey, I just read your Indy 500 preview two months late! I can only imagine the weird cross-cultural morass the Speedway will sink into when the Europeans and South Americans roll into town for the inaugural Formula 1 race this September! I can here it now..."Why are they all driving in the wrong direction?" Great piece, Sanford Satyricon Thanks for the compliments Sanford, but jokes about bad driving skills don't fly around here. Try Feed. Yeah, finally, Formula 1 at Indy. Pete and I had to learn the hard way that Indy is open wheel racing, not Formula 1. I made that faux pas in front of James Garner and Jim Nabors and damn if I wasn't bounced from the "Space Cowboys" premiere screening in about ten seconds. Well, live and learn. Burptolt Brickt Your Indy piece is dead accurate except for two things, both relating to the Unser family: 1. Johnny Unser is not a Jr., his dad Jerry Jr. was. 2. You can't really leave out the other Unsers who weren't there: Bobby (3 Wins) and Al Sr. (4 Wins). And of course Al Jr. who was entered this year (2 Wins). Which contrasts with Mario Andretti (1 Win) and Michael Andretti (0 Wins). Great piece! Robert Duncan Jeez, another "fact" guy for Feed! But you're right, Bob. Re your detailed defense of the of the Unsers and out of the blue attack on the Andrettis, you might want to spend some time in Feed's "Fall of the House of Unser" chat room, where the pro-Andretti faction runs roughshod over the Unsers daily. They need a new sheriff 'round those parts, and I nominate you. Bertolt Blechtman Turner Overdrive
Filler Dear Polly, Why did you never tell us before that your friend Steve was a doctor? Duh, every woman dreams of dating a real M.D. with a stethoscope and stirrups uh, tongue depressors? Well, anyway, it's too late now because I'm seeing a surgeon who can sew people up but won't fix a loose button on his shirt. We all, sooner or later, find ourselves with a talentless, defensive, deeply lazy man of our own. At least he pays the rent. Sommer Good thing he does something, because you're not going to see him much. Now or ever. Or maybe that's actually a bonus. Nice scheme, lady! I'm not so sure that every woman currently dreams of dating a real M.D. If they do, then Steve must be even less appealing than I think he is. Which doesn't seem possible. Yes, I'm joking. Steve is dreamy! Especially now that he has great big muscles from doing the Tae Bo in his unitard. Women of Seattle, avert your eyes or lose your hearts! Polly Dear Polly, What is rolfing? My copy of The Oxford Illustrated Dictionary has neither a definition nor a picture. Sincerely, Roger As far as I can tell, rolfing is some kind of really deep tissue massage administered by an attractive gay man. Playgirl might have the pictures you're looking for. Polly Polly, you've guided me through four years of my life so far, providing me with what kind of women to avoid, (seemingly) deep thoughts on relationships these days and all that other shit you talk about. Does anybody stay together anymore? Do marriages last anymore? Is Steve still single because what he "believes in" is that staying single the rest of his life is the only true road to happiness these days, and the whole idea of marriage is out dated and usually means more strife than happiness? I'm starting to wonder if the only time we see things clearly at all is when we're not trapped in a relationship. I see people married, engaged or in some kind of steady relationship and think they're just fools, kidding themselves into believing what they have is special when I know it won't last. Still, maybe it's nothing to get depressed about? Maybe now that marriage isn't necessary for survival, as it was in the past, we're finding out how polygamous we really are? If you can find a point in this email somewhere let me know. Chris Thanks for writing. Your suggestion that Steve is choosing to stay single because he believes it's the only true road to happiness — that was good for several weeks of laughs, at least. Steve stays single by default, not by choice. You're just going to have to trust me on that one. Marriage usually means more strife than happiness because people are usually more selfish than generous. That doesn't mean that individually, we should choose not to marry. And yes, we see things very clearly when we're not trapped in a relationship. The question is, do you want to see things clearly? I, for one, most certainly don't. I think we're finding out how selfish and shiftless and impatient we really are, not how polygamous we really are. Polygamy's a great concept: Variety! But variety isn't that appealing without quality, and I, for one, meet a man I'm truly attracted to about once every three years. I guess I could just add on a new husband every three years, and the most recent one would have to move into one of the other bedrooms, dedicated to the older, more used-up husbands. The older husbands would have to share bedrooms — maybe they'd even be friends. Well, they'd have to make friends, since they'd be spending so much time together, cleaning and shopping for food, and cooking, and sewing little outfits for themselves... Ok, now I'm lost in a fantasy....Where were we? Look, I've guided you through four years of your life so far. Please, it's time to move on. Haven't I done enough damage already? At least move out of the master bedroom... Polly |
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