The Fish
for 27 July 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff
 
[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor
 
Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director
 
Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor
 
[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor
 
Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Publisher







	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 
INDY 2000

Sucksters

Maybe I just don't fit the general
demographic profile of your
readers, but I read Suck daily and
know more than I care to recount
about auto racing (on account of my
dad raced cars for thirty years).

Anyway, I enjoyed today's piece
about the Indy 500. Wasn't that in,
uh, May?

Chris Rasmussen

Glad you enjoyed our Indy 500 piece
Chris, and no, you don't fit our
demographic, as we know for a fact
that Suck readers know nothing
about auto racing and find
calendars and their individual
"dates" too much a nuisance to take
seriously. FYI, the average Suck
reader is an Asian female aged
58-64 with two or more kids living
somewhere near Escondido. The
reader profile you fit is that of
Feed, our new strategic internet
partner, which is a 24-hour
interactive auto-racing fetish site
that "date" stamps each and every
new item they run. Given that our
demographic and their demographic
reciprocate perfectly (they are a
proven circulation death watch for
Asian females aged 58-64 with two
or more kids living near Escondido,
while we of course, OWN that bunch)
we feel our Sucking and Feeding
synergy will prove to be the
internet market dynamo that finally
helps us surpass Amazon.com in
annual net profits.

Bertolt Blecht

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Dear Bertolt & Peter,

Did somebody miss a deadline? I
enjoyed it anyway. (By the way, I
work with two guys who literally
lock themselves in their homes with
a case of Jack Daniels and a bottle
of beer every Memorial Day, just to
watch this spectacle on TV.)

On another topic: Sucksters: don't
let yourselves be bought by
big(ger) corporate interests! Keep
your edge, instead.

Richard Banks
richard.banks@cpa.state.tx.us>

Deadline, dates — yawn. You'd
love Feed, pally. Look, Pete and I
are now definite racing culture
aficionados and so when Pete
suggested we lock ourselves in a
room with a case of Jack Daniels
and a bottle of beer and knock this
thing out in record time and then
get down to Escondido for a little
mai tai action, I was all for it.
But once the Suck fact checking
dept. started off with their whole
"They call it the Indy 500 because
it takes place in Indianapolis, not
Annapolis" whine of reasoning, it
took forEVER to finish. We're not
so sure about the Feed merger
anyway, since both Amy Tan and
Margaret Cho (who actually is
between the ages of 58-64) called
us "sell-outs" in the latest "Giant
Robot."

Bertolt Belcht

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

As the wife of a former bike racer
with a father-in-law who raced
cars, the only two sports ever
watched in OUR home are auto-racing
and the Tour de France (football -
bah! Who needs it?), and I LOVE
your INDY coverage! I definitely
think that you guys need to do the
Tour de France next year and cover
the glorious Lance Armstrong as he
whips those French bike pussies a
THIRD time!

Peter's artwork is great too! I
love Terry's stuff but it is nice
to have a "stylistic break" now and
then. Perhaps Peter and Terry could
do a "color exchange" - Terry's
pastels for Peter's primaries! Just
a thought! Hey, the feminist in me
LOVED the darling Sarah this year
just like the cancer survivor in me
ADORES Lance!

Hope to see more of your stuff! And
start angling for the free trip to
France now!

Elizabeth "I should be working"
Hinkle-Turner

Thanks for the kind words
Elizabeth. Both Pete and I saw lots
of women who feel the same way you
do about racing out at Indy. The
whole marketing strategy behind
Sarah Fisher is to bring a new
audience into the sport, and
they've already got off to a good
start.

However, the average Suck reader
that Chris and Richard were so
worried about actually hates Lance
Armstrong. In fact, according to
our recent demo test group results,
Suck won't be sending us to France
next year but the Forbidden City in
China, as apparently, the average
Suck reader has a nostalgic soft
spot for détente era Sino-US ping
pong matches of the early 70s.
France is Feed territory, so I
guess you'll be joining Chris and
Richard over there.

As for the Terry-Pete tension over
coloring ... wow, have you hit a
nerve around here. See, as long as
Terry's "Uncle Tim" edits this
site, what Terry wants Terry gets
— and little Terry likes
pastels... Well, Pete, a graduate
of the Sorbonne and aforementioned
fan of JD, once drunkenly referred
to pastels as "the pedestrian's
palette" at the Suck Xmas party at
Lum Fong's, and Pete and Terry
haven't spoken since. Meow, if you
know what I mean.

Bertolt Borscht

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hey, I just read your Indy 500
preview two months late! I can only
imagine the weird cross-cultural
morass the Speedway will sink into
when the Europeans and South
Americans roll into town for the
inaugural Formula 1 race this
September!

I can here it now..."Why are they
all driving in the wrong
direction?"

Great piece,

Sanford Satyricon

Thanks for the compliments Sanford,
but jokes about bad driving skills
don't fly around here. Try Feed.
Yeah, finally, Formula 1 at Indy.
Pete and I had to learn the hard
way that Indy is open wheel racing,
not Formula 1. I made that faux pas
in front of James Garner and Jim
Nabors and damn if I wasn't bounced
from the "Space Cowboys" premiere
screening in about ten seconds.
Well, live and learn.

Burptolt Brickt

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Your Indy piece is dead accurate
except for two things, both
relating to the Unser family: 1.
Johnny Unser is not a Jr., his dad
Jerry Jr. was.

2. You can't really leave out the
other Unsers who weren't there:
Bobby (3 Wins) and Al Sr. (4 Wins).
And of course Al Jr. who was
entered this year (2 Wins). Which
contrasts with Mario Andretti (1
Win) and Michael Andretti (0 Wins).

Great piece!

Robert Duncan

Jeez, another "fact" guy for Feed!
But you're right, Bob. Re your
detailed defense of the of the
Unsers and out of the blue attack
on the Andrettis, you might want to
spend some time in Feed's "Fall of
the House of Unser" chat room,
where the pro-Andretti faction runs
roughshod over the Unsers daily.
They need a new sheriff 'round
those parts, and I nominate you.

Bertolt Blechtman Turner Overdrive

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Filler
Dear Polly,

Why did you never tell us before
that your friend Steve was a
doctor? Duh, every woman dreams
of dating a real M.D. with a
stethoscope and stirrups uh, tongue
depressors? Well, anyway, it's too
late now because I'm seeing a
surgeon who can sew people up but
won't fix a loose button on his
shirt. We all, sooner or later,
find ourselves with a talentless,
defensive, deeply lazy man of our
own. At least he pays the rent.

Sommer

Good thing he does something,
because you're not going to see him
much. Now or ever. Or maybe that's
actually a bonus. Nice scheme,
lady!

I'm not so sure that every woman
currently dreams of dating a real
M.D. If they do, then Steve must be
even less appealing than I think he
is. Which doesn't seem possible.

Yes, I'm joking. Steve is dreamy!
Especially now that he has great
big muscles from doing the Tae Bo
in his unitard.

Women of Seattle, avert your eyes
or lose your hearts!

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Dear Polly,

What is rolfing?

My copy of The Oxford Illustrated
Dictionary has neither a definition
nor a picture.

Sincerely,

Roger

As far as I can tell, rolfing is
some kind of really deep tissue
massage administered by an
attractive gay man.

Playgirl might have the pictures
you're looking for.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Polly, you've guided me through
four years of my life so far,
providing me with what kind of
women to avoid, (seemingly) deep
thoughts on relationships these
days and all that other shit you
talk about. Does anybody stay
together anymore? Do marriages last
anymore? Is Steve still single
because what he "believes in" is
that staying single the rest of his
life is the only true road to
happiness these days, and the whole
idea of marriage is out dated and
usually means more strife than
happiness?

I'm starting to wonder if the only
time we see things clearly at all
is when we're not trapped in a
relationship. I see people married,
engaged or in some kind of steady
relationship and think they're just
fools, kidding themselves into
believing what they have is special
when I know it won't last.

Still, maybe it's nothing to get
depressed about? Maybe now that
marriage isn't necessary for
survival, as it was in the past,
we're finding out how polygamous we
really are?

If you can find a point in this
email somewhere let me know.

Chris

Thanks for writing. Your suggestion
that Steve is choosing to stay
single because he believes it's the
only true road to happiness —
that was good for several weeks of
laughs, at least. Steve stays
single by default, not by choice.
You're just going to have to trust
me on that one.

Marriage usually means more strife
than happiness because people are
usually more selfish than generous.
That doesn't mean that
individually, we should choose not
to marry. And yes, we see things
very clearly when we're not trapped
in a relationship. The question is,
do you want to see things clearly?
I, for one, most certainly don't.

I think we're finding out how
selfish and shiftless and impatient
we really are, not how polygamous
we really are. Polygamy's a great
concept: Variety! But variety isn't
that appealing without quality, and
I, for one, meet a man I'm truly
attracted to about once every three
years. I guess I could just add on
a new husband every three years,
and the most recent one would have
to move into one of the other
bedrooms, dedicated to the older,
more used-up husbands. The older
husbands would have to share
bedrooms — maybe they'd even be
friends. Well, they'd have to make
friends, since they'd be spending
so much time together, cleaning and
shopping for food, and cooking, and
sewing little outfits for
themselves...

Ok, now I'm lost in a
fantasy....Where were we?

Look, I've guided you through four
years of your life so far. Please,
it's time to move on. Haven't I
done enough damage already?

At least move out of the master
bedroom...

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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