The Fish
for 30 June 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Publisher








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 


Steve Case, Superstar

Your homage to Aerosmith was
remarkable.

What does this Steve
character have to do with the
band?

Terry Higgins
<thig@uwm.edu>

Glad you liked our Aerosmith
tribute.

Aerosmith lead singer Steven
Tyler has said that without
Steve Case, there would be no
Aerosmith. During the band's
formative years in the 70s,
Case was their roadie for
five consecutive tours. While
they suffered through gigs in
miserable podunk venues, Case
drove the van, soothed
personality conflicts, and
filled in when bandmembers
were incapacitated from
substance abuse.

As the "fifth member" of
Aerosmith, Case composed all
the lyrics for "Livin' on the
Edge," and... Okay, the truth
is, Steve Case just wrote a
review of an Aerosmith
concert that he saw in high
school in the 70s. He's
actually the CEO of America
Online, and the piece was
about HIM, not an Aerosmith
tribute.

Dream on!

Destiny
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Case tells his high school
newsletter that "I had a
mediocre voice, but tried to
hide that with showmanship."

Five years later, he'll head
a mediocre online service
which he will try to hide
with showmanship.


Mediocre? Compared to what?
Better yet, you build an
online service and see how it
stacks up.

Too bad you don't know
anything about Steve Case.
You'd see he's a hard-working
guy just like you (I'm
presuming), and he's the
first to admit he was lucky
to be in the right place at
the right time. But of course
if you ever actually
interviewed him, instead of
lifting excerpted
nonsequiturs out-of-context
from newsweeklies, you
wouldn't be able to profit
from your "satirical" cheap
shots, since they're made
under a veil of ignorance.
(And what are you waiting
for? Even Imus met Hillary
Clinton!)

Your profession is what?
Pundit? Humourist? I read
your story wishing it would
get funny, or clever, but it
just seemed desperate and
cheap -- all told, a mediocre
experience. And I don't think
I'm the only one who thinks
so.

Jeff Robelen
<JRobelen@aol.com>

We really want to lift the
veil of ignorance on Steve
Case. Please tell him
Suck.com wants an interview
next time you see him in
Arlington.

But I've never heard Steve
Case admit that he was lucky.
Instead, we get the dry,
carefully-controlled words of
a career PR flack trying to
convince Wall Street of the
inevitability of his
dominance. Never a word about
his personal life, his
childhood, or the time he
divorced his first wife with
three children to marry
someone he met at work.
(Whoops! There we go
again....)

Because of Case's reticence,
most of what we know is about
AOL. Like that $3.5 million
fine they paid to the SEC in
May for mis-stating their
profitability for two
consecutive years, the four
class action lawsuits they're
currently facing, or the fact
that one of their censorious
volunteers thought "breast
cancer" was a dirty word.

See, it sounds like you and I
disagree on some fundamental
points. You ask, AOL is
medicore compared to what?
Compared to any local
internet service, Jeff. Both
get you online, but on AOL
there are mandatory
advertisements on your
mailbox when you sign on, and
even on the status bar when
you try to download a file.
In 1997, AOL even wanted to
sell subscribers' home phone
numbers to telemarketers.

You talk about our essay,
"wishing it would get funny,
or clever, but it just seemed
desperate and cheap — all
told, a mediocre experience."
That's how I felt the last
time I used AOL.

And I don't think I'm the
only one who thinks so...

Warm Regards

Destiny

P.S. We found your name
listed as the administrator
for two mailing lists run off
LISTSERV.AOL.COM. One's about
Elvis Costello lyrics and the
other is for the Committee
for the Scientific
Investigation of Claims of
the Paranormal. Assuming it's
the same Jeff Robelen, thanks
for taking time from
debunking UFOs to send us an
e-mail!

My Aim is True...

Destiny
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

Today's Hit n Run is very
strange. Bollywood, chicken
movies, and Kelsey Grammer. I
went through a Bollywood
phase a couple of years ago
(those actresses are HOT),
but ultimately they're all
too well behaved to make
interesting celebrities.
Interesting when compared
against Kelsey's B'way turn.
At least he gave it a shot -
just because everyone laps up
his 2 note show like it's at
the bottom of the creme
broule bowl, don't expect
Kelsey to play it safe. He's
one of those celebrities
whose life is more
interesting than his body of
work. Of course, there are
more and more of those
lately. Chickens? I have
nothing to say about that,
except that the English
cartoon you guys linked to
has been downloading for
almost 10 minutes - nothing's
THAT funny.

Colin

Not true, Colin. If it made
your computer crash, for
example, just as you were
finishing up the last draft
of a suicide note that you
hadn't saved, and as a result
you decided not to kill
yourself, but then while
rebooting you had a power
surge and were electrocuted,
that would be really funny.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Thanks for the essay on
Grammer — I always hate
it when the Times pastes an
actor strictly because he's
dared to do television.
However, how could you people
not mention Grammer's
greatest role — the voice
of the literary psycho Robert
"Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger?
He almost nuked Springfield!
Never realized what an
exposure to violence and
suffering the poor guy had in
real life.

Richard Von Busack
<regisgoat@earthlink.net>

That ain't nothin'! In his
"uncensored, uninhibited, and
totally irreverant memoir,"
we get to see Kelsey Grammer
"lost and broken, trapped by
family patterns and haunted
by violent death" and
"seeking relief in liquor,
drugs, and women." We learn
how "at the prestigious
Julliard school in New York,
he's the acting student with
long hair, a surfboard, and
an attitude to match. In New
York, he gets respect by
throwing a Broadway superstar
off the stage. [Christopher
Plummer — Iago to KG's
Cassio on Broadway in 1981.]"
We get Grammer, in his own
words, describing the first
stirrings of the lubricious
shrink he was destined to
play: "Nice girls made me
really nervous,
claustrophobic. But broken
women, women in pain, women
looking to be fixed — ah,
for these women the doctor
was in." Truly, So Far...
gives us a Grammer that even
television's finest writers
could never conjure. All
Grammer and nothing but
Grammer, just the way we like
it!
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Sirs & Madams,

While reading your incisive
interview with Park & Lord of
Aaardman Studios, I was
struck by the apparent
collusion between interviewer
and interviewees to suggest
that Mel Gibson is an
American.

Has Oz been reclassified as a
U.S. colony? What's the
story-behind-the-story here?

Perspicaciously yours,

Eli Chiaviello
<eli@homer.kom.net>

We truly hope this topic is a
snore-inducing for you as it
is for us, Eli, but Mel
Gibson, in full American
accent, plays an American
rooster in this film. By our
reckoning, he has not used
his Australian accent in a
major role since 1985's Mad
Max: Beyond Thunderdome
(he
has several "as himself"
parts listed at IMDB, and may
have used his Aussie twang in
those). Moreover, Gibson has
throughout much of his career
played American roles —
helped in no small part by
the fact that he was born in
Peekskill, NY and spent the
first 13 years of his life in
the US before moving to the
Commonwealth of Australia, a
country for which the
Sucksters, and most likely
Americans in general, have
nothing but the warmest
feelings and highest regard.
In any event, if you see the
film yourself, you will
understand why we asked this
particular question and why
Mr. Lord gave this particular
response.

Finally, we'd like to remind
readers that the subject of
whether Suck, or Hollywood,
or any other US-based
institution, is too
Americentric is without a
doubt one of the most boring
and imbecilic subjects ever
devised, and we'd
particularly like to remind
our overseas readers that we
welcome their readership and
look forward to seeing their
own web efforts, which we
hope will be intriguingly
Iricentric or Russocentric or
Indiacentric, as the case may
be.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Oh no! Now you're
just like the others

I've noticed that you've been
relying more and more on...
Oh! Gosh! photographs.
Please, don't be like the
others. Illustrations are way
cool!

Carl
<nightclubbers@yahoo.com>

Is this the kind of drivel
that passes for reader mail
these days? We're trying to
publish as many non-u-suck
emails as possible, but
you're not making it any
easier on us.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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