The Fish
for 19 June 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Publisher








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 
Farewell, My Lovely

You missed an amusing angle
on the apparent demise of
APBNews.com -- their recent
success in obtaining
financial disclosure records
for the federal judiciary (or
at least, a ruling from a
judicial commission that
APBNews.com has/had the right
to those records).

Perhaps federal judges have
influential friends ???

<jimcook@panix.com>

An amusing theory, indeed,
Jim. But if you know what's
good for ya, it'd probably be
best if you just kept it to
yourself, OK?

Fully disclosed,

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


What if APBNews.com had
limited itself to something
closer to the 2.2%
advertising-to-sales ratio
that traditional newspapers
maintain?


Well, admittedly it should've
spent a LOT less on
advertising. But there IS a
reason why dot-coms pour such
a high percentage of their
resources into advertising;
they don't have the
brick-and-mortar expenses a
lot of the other businesses
do. Newspapers need presses,
paper, delivery trucks... A
server and a T3 line cost a
lot less. Though I do agree,
APB poured much too much of
their cash into ads.

John Hoffman
<theshadow@shambala.net>

I mentioned the 2.2% just to
remind people how little
traditional newspapers spend
on this kind of thing. Sure,
there are different sorts of
factors to suggest that
spending on promotion should
be a lot different online
than off, but it's pretty
illuminating to see just how
big the difference in
spending is...

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Mr. St. Huck,

Good story, Maybe Suck can
merge with APBNews.com and
then we would REALLY have a
good content site. Wouldn't
Salon.com just love that! ;-)

David Akerley
<davidgeek1@cyberpaperboy.com>

I'm lobbying for Suck to
purchase APBNews' video
archive when/if the fire sale
starts. of course, i doubt
Suck has any spare cash, but
maybe the APB liquidators
will trade the archive for
some Suck t-shirts...

best,

Huck
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: I LOVE SUCK

I'm not one of those types to
write an email to a company.
It's campy and I always feel
like I have something better
to do. For example, it's
unlikely that I will tell
Charmin that I hate their
toilet paper because it's not
soft and it's not quilty;
it's just really poorly
constructed paper mache that
leaves a toxic silt on
everything it touches. That
having been said, I love
Suck. I am a writer and
African American woman and I
appreciate that your
expressions (tainted and
angry as they may be) are
multi-hued and
multi-dimensional.

Kai Bowe
<kbowe1@earthlink.net>

Thanks for the good word,
Kai. Speaking of the taint,
though, just where do you
think most of that toxic
Charmin silt ends up?

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

Subject: You have given me a
mission


Hey Sucksters,

First, I just wanna say "long
time reader, first-time
writer." Yeah, I've always
wanted to say that. Write it.
Whatever. You know, when
you're listening to
"Loveline" and the
14-year-old who thinks he
might be bisexual starts off
with that "long time
listener" bit, and you're
just there thinking "well,
maybe if you didn't start
getting sex advice from Adam
Carolla when you were in 4th
grade, you just might not
need to be asking for it from
him now" and where was this
going again?

Oh, yes. You have given me a
new mission in life. It looks
like I'm never going to get
to be Amazon.com's (by the
way, whatever happened to
your little logrolling deal
with Barnes and Noble...boy I
sure miss the days when crass
commercialism on the web was
controversial) top-rated book
reviewer. I read faster than
the average bear, but 2 books
a day?! That's way out of my
league. But I figure I could
read 2 book reviews a day. So
here it is, my new goal: I
want to be Amazon's top rated
book review rater. That's
right, I want people to look
to me to decide where to look
to decide which book to buy.
I want to be the absolute
best judge of judges of
books. You get the picture, I
would expect.

You might think that I am
making an easy D. F. Wallace
style meta-joke, but I am
totally serious here.

By the way, if I weren't
already married to a bitter
woman, I would conclude this
letter by asking Polly to
marry me. I just don't think
I could hack being married to
two bitter women, even in
Utah, where I don't live, but
where this sort of thing is
popular, I have heard. I mean
the two wives, not the bitter
wives, I'm saying. Although
they may be bitter, who
knows. In which case, no
thanks. Because I don't think
I could handle that much
bitterness, see?

An Entirely Other Steve

You might think that only at
the Michigan State Physics
Department, or perhaps the
Jet Propulsion Laboratory,
would it be possible to think
up the kind of fractalized
meta-commentary you have in
mind, but in fact the letters
page of the New York Review
of Books
has been doing this
kind of thing for decades:
"In his response to David
Zamboni's letter responding
to Bartholemew Gussy's review
of Ian Spinks-Pannetone's
memoir Belching Hamlet: A
Bloomsbury Nosegay,
Chams
Chutney mischaracterizes my
review of Mr.
Spinks-Pannetone's earlier
book Who Lost
Liechtenstein?
...." And so
on. The only thing with a
lower writer-to-reader effect
is when the NYROB publishes
"An Open Letter to Li Peng,"
signed by 50 New York
intellectuals. Boy, I'll bet
those things have the Chinese
Prime Minister running
scared!

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Killer interview today,
although it made me almost
ashamed to admit that it
takes me 2 hours just to read
Suck. Harriet Klausner can
read faster than Tim
Cavanaugh can change the
topic of conversation!

It is interesting to note her
stance on leadership. It is
certainly true that the one
person most suited for good
leadership is the person
least likely to accept the
role. The question now is how
to get her into the
presidential race.

yr pal

cameron
<cameron@slip.net>

I think Colin Powell proved
that if you keep repeating
how you don't want the title,
people will eventually give
up and stop offering it.
Anyway, Suck isn't allowed to
endorse any candidate who
hasn't read Dumb Money by
Joey Anuff and Gary Wolf.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hey! Thanks for partially
unfucking your layout
sometime in the last seven
months! That's one less Perl
filter I have to run your
page through before it's
readable. Next year's
homework: MARGINS.

Just so we know: Is Thursday
the day for meandering,
unfocused, never-went-
to-J-school interviews with
west-of-the-Rockies nobodies
that Suck's piss boy got high
with some time in the
preceding month? It is?
Great! Filler and Bottom-of-
the-Barrel Thursdays - this
way both the reader and the
author gets a three-day week!
That's super.

Loving you!

Mike Duncan
<kungfuvillain@hotmail.com>

"Never-went-to-J-school"?
Did you really just write
"never-went-to-J-school"?
Don't you know that when I
hear you taunting "never-went
-to-J-school," I get this
mental image of you in your
study, weighing 300 pounds
and wearing a white Colonel
Sanders suit, with a moist
Dagwood haircut, pallid,
unsunned skin, and a body so
pear-shaped that an extra
roll of fat bulges under your
belt buckle and makes it
appear that you have an
enormous mons veneris, with a
just-lit pipe in your hand
and a creamy trickle of
Brandy Alexander shake
dribbling out of your mouth,
rocking back and forth in
your seat in a disturbingly
rhythmic way as you shout
"Never-went-to-J-school!"
And now I don't think I'll
ever get that image of you
out of my mind.

But you're right; I never
went to J school. If I had, I
guess the interview might
have contained good J-school
questions like "Tell us about
your new movie" or "Are you a
terrorist, Sir?" or "How do
you spell your name?" You'll
just have to get used to the
non-J-school variety of
interview. And get out and
get some exercise for
Christ's sake.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


When your interviewer was
commenting on Ms. Klausner as
a leader, and she was
insisting that she was not,
it made me think of something
I read once. In _Utopia_, Sir
Thomas More wrote that one of
the prerequisites for
becoming a leader in that
society was the lack of
interest in the position. In
other words, anyone who wants
to be a leader is
automatically disqualified
for the position. Although it
sets up a bit of a Catch-22,
it does sum up my views of
politics rather succintly.

John Bender
<johnnyb01@hotmail.com>

Thomas More? I got idea that
from Gladiator. And anyway,
as demonstrated by the eight
years of peace, prosperity
and good cheer America has
enjoyed under Bill Clinton,
it's possible to get
top-flight leadership from a
guy who would kill his own
mother to stay in office.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Thanks for the look at
Wizards of the Coast's foray
into the world of Open
Source. It appealed to both
my role-playing geek
inner-child, and to my free
software hacking geek
outer-adult.

It's particularly interesting
that WotC is now considering
making the underlying rules
for the D&D franchise
available to other
authors/publishers in this
way. Way back when, long
before anyone could

have foreseen their purchase
of TSR, and the Dungeons and
Dragons franchise, WotC's
first offering was "The
Primal Order." Rather than
being a full role-playing
game in its own right, it was
designed as a "capsystem" for
other RPGs. Included in the
book was an appendix filled
with rules on how to
integrate TPO with other
games, like Torg, Ars Magica,
and D&D. The result?
Palladium Books, publisher of
the "Rifts," sued for
unauthorized use of
trademark. The lawsuit was
hugely unpopular among gaming
diehards (for whom
third-party additions were
pretty much a staple).

Now that WotC has made a
fortune off the trading-card
bandwagon, it's nice to see
that they're willing to put
their new-found money where
their mouth is. I can't help
but wonder, though: if they
didn't hold the rights to
what's probably the most
successful RPG property in
history, would they be so
selfless with their stuff?

Sam Leibowitz
<sleibowitz@btcwcu.org>

Heavy-duty analysis, Sam.
Thanks for the information.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Wow.

Today's Suck was absolutely
the worst ever.

Try Harder next time.

Dan Century
<danc@zenweb.com>

Congratulations, Dan! You
have written the 998,000th
worst-ever email to Suck.

We will try harder next time,
with some specifically Dan
Century-related material.
According to your site, this
should include more Fine food
and wine, Music and dancing,
Film, and Hawaiian shirts.
Rock on! Always good to hear
from a Scarlet Knight.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: another consumer
rant


i'm a good consumer of
post-modern-branded irony and
sarcasm, not a shill for
suck. why the fuck can't i
buy a fucking t-shirt off
your fucking hilarious site?
isn't that enough - my
fabulousness traipsing around
in garments bearing the suck
emblem?

you do need to make money,
don't you? what with dot.coms
failing and merging right and
left, i should think you'd
work up a whole e-commerce
broo-ha-ha for your site to
rake it in. let me know if
you change your mind. i'm
scheduled for the jerry
springer show in august. the
topic is "guys who can't get
merchandise on-line and the
women who have to listen to
their incessant whining,
wishing for meatier
dialogue." it's a new
direction for jerry.

Keith
<mkeith6@uswest.net>

Keith,

There's a big difference
between a shill and a
satisfied customer who
broadens his horizons with
acts of devotion. You have to
pass the test to wear the
colors. If you're afraid to
shout our name from the
rooftops, we're ashamed to
let you wear our tshirt.

And if we ever get to the
point where we're selling
tshirts to stay in business,
you can be sure that it will
all be over for us anyway.

A whole batch of cool new
shirts are on order, too. You
should see them!

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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