for 8 June 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
|
|
Filler
Subject: Poor white female old Hee haw! Isn't a riot making fun of poor, female, old people (well, the white ones, in any case)! Their cretinous literary tastes and their obvious allegiance to "George Dubya" makes them fish in a barrel! But how about a poke and a prod at another sub-demographic? Let's say...thirtyish, white, male, Ivy League-and- just-below- educated, pop-culturally overattuned, smarmy, sarcastic, helplessly ironic, faux-Harvard Lampoonish smartasses? The kind of guys who in their dreams rise to be David Foster Wallace, but wake up to write snarky rips on Matthew Barney for a clunky online late-nineties version of Spy? I would have to say those dweebs are at least as risible as Aunt Edna chewing that plain donut. Matthew D. Wilder <cosmovitelli@mediaone.net> Yeah, the point of that cartoon was pretty much to put poor old females in their place. I just love taking cheap shots at regular folks without much money who aren't much interested in the Internet. Those old people sure do get my goat! Somebody's gotta put 'em in their place! They were the heroes of that cartoon, understand? They came, they scoffed, they ate doughnuts, they left. Who are these thirtyish white males of which you speak and why do they bother you so? Clunkily, Polly  Subject: The New Millenium and Rev Bonnell... After perusing your site and coming across the letter addressing this new year as not really being the start of the new millenium, I actually started to think. With much straining, some questions came to mind. If Jesus was not considered "King" until the moment of birth, then what was he before he so carelessly shot out of his mothers virgin vagina and entered this world? Was he but just another nameless fetus? And doesn't that idea contradict the belief of the pro-lifers regarding life starting at conception? Wouldn't the Catholic Church now be stating that Christ was not a real or valid life during his fetus period? Would it now be okay to have an abortion because life does not begin until the moment of birth? Shouldn't the Church rethink this whole theory thing about the millenium? Or is it that Jesus was god when he was concieved and during his awkward fetus period, he just wasn't an ordained king until birth. Like his birth was some sort of initiation into royalty? Well, my honest opinion is that the christian church is the most dangerous organization in the world today and does more harm to individual lives than good anyway, so who gives a fuck what they all think!!! They have mutilated the truths to be found in the Bible with all their prejudices and holier than thou misinterpretations. I don't think any of us common folk will ever know for certain what the Bible really says until we learn to decifer the original manuscripts ourselves. Until then we're supposed to blindly trust a bunch of religious bigots who want to brainwash and convert us with their lies and religious hogwash. Obviously, I've had some problems with the church. And as a gay man, I can proudly say "fuck the whole lot of them and not in a good way either"! Why doesn't the good Rev KHBonnell get off his holy ass and spend his time trying to help his fellow man instead of judging and pointing out their weaknesses, downfalls, and mistakes. Oh, I forgot, it's probably all part of his brainwashing technique. Make you feel like your a bad person for just being who you are. That way, he can move in for the kill... "but Jesus loves you anyway and he'll forgive you for $10 donations each week in church you pathetic little sinners you". Enough said. With love, SuperBitterSuperFag PS No, I'm not bitter and jealous just because everyone else gets to go to heaven and I have to burn in hell for loving another human being unconditionally. I had a vision from God himself the other day and he told me it's the other way around. All the gay people are going to heaven and the breeders are going to hell. The only reason he keeps you worthless breeders around is to make more fags for His Kingdom! Stick that chapter in your Bible and pray about it. rickandcats <rickandcats@msn.com> Mr. andcats, It's good that you've actually started to think, but do you really imagine the nickel-and-dime sophistries you're pulling out here are things the Catholics haven't heard before? When an organization has a 1,500-year monopoly on the best minds in Europe — particularly when those are 1,500 years during which pretty much nothing is discovered or invented and there wasn't much to do except rethink ideas that had already been thought — it's a good bet that they will have considered every pud-pulling permutation you can think up, in infinitely greater dimension than your busy life as a visionary SuperBitterSuperFag allows time for. As it happens, there is a long, long history of Church gibberish about when the soul of an unborn human becomes active — beginning from Aristotle's conjecture about fetuses' having vegetative life at conception, animal souls after a few days, and rational souls after 40 days (80 days for females). We also have the theory of St. Gregory of Nyssa about a life principle that quickens the organism from the first moment of its individual existence. And much other hokum about the Will of the Creator, Who is ever present at every portion of His creation. And so on and on, through theories that are infinitely crazier and more complex than what you've come up with. So be careful about underestimating your opponents, especially when most of them are apparently gay anyway. Sucksters Subject: The Bull Hath Shat Dearest Sucksters, Disregard my previous e-mail (Subject: "The Bungholes are at it again") Sorry about this. I just had a newsletter editor to whom I forwarded this (as I did to you earlier), report back that it's an urban legend hoax. My source was a Newline Cinema producer friend. Shoulda known those film people are notoriously umkempt in the resources checking department. Paranoid repub-hater that I am, I was all too willing to believe they were at it again, and needed Suck to pants them. Never mind. Illustrious regards, Calfie Golden HELP!! SUCKSTERS!!!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!!! [Deleted: Long official- looking message detailing long-time urban legend about a "government plan" to charge 5 cents for every email] Lene Horn <wangmo@earthlink.net> Thanks for the alert, Lene. It's letters like yours that have inspired our new letters policy. It's just not fair that every nincompoop gets to use the Fish page to sound off about every fool thing under the sun, when our advertisers have to pay good money to publish their own messages. Therefore, from now on we will be charging fifty cents a word for every letter we publish in the fish page. Letters that are particularly boring and idiotic will cost $1.50 per word. If you want us to write a response to your letter, an additional charge of $300 will be applied, regardless of the length of the response we write. We hope you like this new system, which will ensure that our readers only have to read the opinions of those letter-writers with enough commitment to put their money where their mouths are. Now keep those cards and letters coming! Sucksters Subject: Re: Bees Status: U Is there any wood near the clothesline? It could also be a Borer bee which are harmless. We have them where I am on Long Island. They kind of look like Bumblebees but at not as big. Debbie I know there's at least one beekeeper on the list. Maybe you can tell my mom and I what's going on with this bee. <grin> Each time we're outside, this bee is hovering in the same spot between the clotheslines and it never seems to leave or go anywhere else. If we walk by, it moves out of our way. If another bee comes near it, it chases the "intruder" away. Then it returns to hovering. Any idea what this means? Could it be attracted to the somewhat flowery smell of the laundry detergent? Is it some kind of "scout" or "guard" bee that's watching out for the hive? (We've never come across a hive nearby.) Just wondering. Hope everyone has a great day! Janice, Pavi and Pansy New York All Breed Referral http://www.nyabr.petfinder.org <nyallbreedreferral@yahoo.com> Phoebe's Story-Help End Puppymills http://www.critterhaven.org/phoebe.htm Deborah Foray <dforay@suffolk.lib.ny.us> Thanks, Deborah! In the interest of furthering popular scientific discussion, and as a special exception to our new rule, we will publish all letters about bees and puppymills free of charge. Keep 'em buzzing! Sucksters Haw Haw Haw Subject: Jack Chick I know he's mistaken & fanatical, but like those X Files minions say, " The Truth is out there! " Your paranoia is as pervasive alien stories in Roswell. I only hope that you can look past your bias to see what is real. Shawn Jenkins <McShawnBoy@webtv.net> Don't look at us, Mr. Jenkins! There's a lost soul named rickandcats who needs the power of prayer to cure his homosexuality. Show him the way! Sucksters Filler Not to fall in line, but I couldn't help noticing the giant stream of hatemail you seem to receive. Just out of curiosity, why the fuck are these people reading Suck? I'm doubtful as to whether they are forced into it. Surely they must have a hand in their own I-wish-I-had- something-to- bitch-about bullshit. Do they just search for things to tear down? Were they tricked into reading your columns? Surely they don't mistake it for news or a refreshing self-esteem zine. It seems odd to me why someone would willfully subject themselves to something that they regard as tasteless and tactless. I think this runs into your 'healthy-relationship' vein of conversation, so I'll end it here. But I just wanted to know, what drives these idiots? I don't know how someone could be so angry and eager without being permanently embedded in the Bible Belt. Maybe you should check the demographics on your hatemail. I'd be willing to bet that the Southwest had a hand in it. Keep up with the cynicism. Concerned About the Gene Pool Oh sure, blame the Bible Belt. Why do people assume that the stupidest people in America are religious or live in the South or both? And what's this Southwest thing — I didn't know there were scores of Bible-thumpers in New Mexico. I thought New Mexico was filled with hot lesbian artists in lizard-skin cowboy boots, crafting turquoise jewelry for the upcoming "Sounds and Smells of Santa Fe" Festival. Ok, maybe that's just my little fantasy. But you have to admit, there's something so appealing about packing up and moving out of the big city, with all its heterosexual big-city ways, and driving out to the scrubby desert and pulling out a canvas to paint like, well, Georgia O'Keefe, I guess. Vaginal flowers and stuff — fitting, no? And think of all that silver jewelry, how good that might look with a high-desert tan. Ah, but all such fantasies are merely skin deep — it's like wanting to step into a Smith and Hawken catalogue, wanting to be that waspy chick skillfully planting perennials in a floral skirt without looking muddy and frustrated, without actually being quite bored by the whole stupid pointless gardening thing, and then killing all those impatiens a few weeks later when you skip town and drive to Vegas and forget to have someone water the plants while you're gone. As much as I'd like to throw off the chains of dull heterosexual cowboy-bootless city life, the truth is I'd be sweaty and irritable from the long drive through Arizona, and I'd pull out that canvas and realize that I can only paint stick figures. Then I'd realize that I don't like vaginas in my face, either on a canvas or otherwise. Oh, these trivial details that hold us back from our dreams! Wait, what was your letter about? Oh well, no matter... Causing more concern for the gene pool than all the Bible-thumpers in Arizona, Polly Dear Polly, Today is the day you can take a head count of all of your older, increasingly female, less affluent, and less highly educated readers. I wonder what it must be like to be ceaselessly bombarded by the media messages concerning the strange, new, dotcom world and yet have absolutely no clue what all the hubbub is about. And yet, even by using little old ladies to make your point, you have recognized their existence to an extent uncommon in our culture. I am terrified of growing old in America. Fortunately, besides the Internet there are plenty of other sources of trivial misinformation to keep one's thoughts occupied. Thanks for your (understated) commentary on the sorry and twisted ideas permeating today's popular media. But when we are confronted daily by horrifically absurd and disturbing news and media events, what must marginal magazine marketers do to attract readers, anyway? Thank you for reminding me that Freud is a shibolleth for discerning cultural observers. The meaning of which I am still sorting out. I'll cite Filler 5.31.00 when I publish my paper. A Loyal Ephraimite, Richard Banks <richard.banks@cpa.state.tx.us> p.s. Thank you for publishing my previous letter, Polly. What a thrill!. I completely understand and appreciate your response. And I have debited my Fame account accordingly. (I only received one letter as a result of my new notoriety in the Fish. One of your loyal readers whose remarks you had cited in the piece begged me not to judge his character too harshly on the basis of his published remarks, which, he writes, were taken out of context. And, at his request, I am begging you to be merciful and pardon him his past transgressions.) No! I say smite his very name! Strike that loathsome swine down into disgrace and despair, like the groveling beast that he is! No forgiveness for the damned! Let them feel thine horrible wrath! Let them feel the twisted grip of guilt and hopelessness at their throats. Laugh as they squeal out their pathetic last words, "I was taken out of context!" Laugh heartlessly and then calmly remind them that there's no proper context for the naysayer, the blasphemer! Not currently juicing adequate numbers of carrots, Pitiless Polly Subject: Older, poorer, and dumber? You bet your ass. I had the misfortune to work Tech Support for a major Internet Service Provider who shall remain nameless (although its initials were AOL) for quite awhile. And, improbable as it seemed, the old, poor, and dumb were simply chompin' at the proverbial bit to get online. Why?? I had to ask myself continually. If you couldn't afford the damned computer in the first place (not even the cheapest piece of crap in the Packard Bell line), and can't even figure out how to turn it on now; why do you do this to yourself (and me!)? "Well, I wanna git at some o' that there free porn that's supposed to be all over the place." (And literally expected me to point him there, step by step, right from the removal of the computer from the box.) "I wanna share recipes with my friends, and trace my family tree." (Your friends all live in the same county with you. Ditto for your ancestors. Your family tree is a stump.) "I chat online with all kinds of people." ('WELL IT RAINED NEAR ALL DAY HERE AND WE HAD THE POWER GO OUT ON US TWICE'... oo, stimulating.) "There's news and information out there that the TV won't tell you." (Oh, yeah; like the Jews really do run the planet, that Elvis is alive and doing two shows a night on Mars, and that - oh my God - Bill Clinton fools around.) "I dunno; I just wanna see what all the fuss is about with this Innernet thing." (Hint, chief: it's a newer, faster, and more efficient way of draining your bank account and causing you crippling anxiety.) So - strange as it sounds, the Internet is steadily dumbing down just like the entire rest of the fucking planet. I don't know why it should surprise anyone. Maybe it's time for a nice, fool-proof virus; spread through some irresistable outlet like www.free-money.com... can you believe someone hasn't registered THAT one yet? Best Wishes Alan in ABQ Very interesting — I thought only artistic lesbians lived in New Mexico. But while we're dealing with sweeping prejudice, let me say once and for all that I have a big problem with targeting the supposedly idiotic, worthless American masses. I'm not sure what's wrong about being old and poor, and, aside from the first comment you included, I'm not sure that the excerpts you've provided here are evidence of anything but a provincial conversational style that you somehow find appallingly unsophisticated or uninteresting. If you're a black man, or a gay man, then I can definitely understand your resentment toward unenlightened straight white people. However, if your main reason for disliking these inconveniently chatty minions is that they don't share your sophisticated sense of humor and taste in obtuse art films and rarefied music put out by small independent labels, I can't really get behind your cause. I just don't quite grasp the teaming masses of self-conscious, snide hip fucks who get their panties in a bunch over every mundane conversation they overhear about sports or the weather while buying aspirin at Wal-mart. These poor old people may not recognize the raw genius of Pavement, but 80% of them have more compassion and understanding of what's important in life than you have in your little pinky, and the vast majority of them are not, in fact, nearly as ignorant or as prejudiced as you are. The planet has always been full of stupid people, and no special little rarefied community (the Internet, in this case) is going to stay special and rarefied for very long, as long as the barriers to entry (high cost, difficulty) are low enough to accommodate your average bear. If you want precious little circles with which to share your love of young, intelligent, cash-heavy types, consider joining your local country club. Do you think, when these people were so graciously telling you about the weather, thinking (correctly) that you were probably a rather lonely fellow in some awful corporate office in the city, that for a minute they would have traded places with you? Which, I guess, is why they got under your skin in the first place. No offense, Alan — I get letters like yours about how fucking stupid most people are almost every day. I just wanted to set the record straight and say nothing makes me more discouraged by how stupid most people are than a letter about how stupid most people are. Stupider than most, Polly |
|
||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||
   |
||||||||||||||||
 |  |
|||||||||||||||
 |   | |||||||||||||||
![[Tim Cavanaugh]](/fish/staff/images/tim.gif)
![[Phillip Bailey]](/fish/staff/images/phil.gif){kind=small}
