The Fish
for 25 May 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Publisher








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 


Hit & Run

Did Aaron Spelling create
Beverly Hills 90210? Maybe
not. Or rather, maybe about
as much as Norman Lear
created All In The Family.

What? Okay, for the
television non-obsessed, All
In The Family
was based on an
English sitcom. (So was
Three's Company, for that
matter.) And 90210 was
allegedly based on Canadian
teen drama Degrassi Junior
High/Degrassi High
. Here's a
quote:

"As an aside, one Degrassi
website said 90210 was
largely based on the Canadian
classic. The author claimed
Fox Television courted the
makers of Degrassi for
sometime, but when Fox
discovered it couldn‚t tamper
with the show‚s hard-edged
formula, the company decided
to make their own teen drama
instead. In other words, we
can thank Degrassi for
Brenda, Brandon, et al."

Oh, and 60 Minutes is a
ripoff of This Hour Has Seven
Days
.

Blame Canada,

Michael K
<michael.k@iname.com>

Thanks for your input, Mr. K.
It's always heartening to see
Canadians making patriotic
defenses of their nation's
rich cultural heritage, which
includes, but is certainly
not limited to, many fine
hours of broadcast
television. Canada will never
die as long as you and other
attentive viewers honor her
achievements.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Suckmeisters,

Was that conversation real??
It was really funny, but I
find it hard to believe that
someone would actually put up
with an idiot like that Dunne

guy. I mean it was pretty
obvious that Dunne was
pulling the guy's leg. But I
guess stranger things have
happened.

Sayf Al-Deen H. Connary

<sconnary@enterasys.com>

Well, Sayf, we consider
Barney Dunne a valuable
addition to the Suck team.
It's a fact checker's job to
be methodical.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


You ask why, "if Pope John
Paul II knew he was going to
be shot" ... why did he
"expose himself to his
assassin".

How could he do otherwise?
The leader of his pack did
the same thing. I've heard
that in the movie "Gandhi",
Ben Kingsley did likewise. In
literature, we have the
example of Billy Pilgrim in
Slaughterhouse 5.

In your own little way, every
day you offer up yourselves
to hordes of snipers for
reasons most cannot
comprehend.

The million moms got my
Kalishnikov, so I'm taking
aim with my ASR-33.

Ned Kittlitz
<kittlitz@world.std.com>

You've got a good point. We
didn't mean that the Pope had
actually, you know, exposed
himself
to his assassin. But
then, the two of them did
have this closed-door
forgiveness session, so you
never know.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: At the risk of
sounding picky...

I know you guys hate
crack-addled Canucks (guilty,
at least of being addled and
Canadian), but while I DID
get the joke about
Sierra/Sergio Leone (I hope
I'm not being charitable in
assuming it was a joke), I
just thought I'd mention that
while Sergio Leone was
Italian, the spaghetti
westerns were actually filmed
in Spain.

But who really gives a crap,
right?

Harry Heatherington
somewhere in the
great white north...

If you look carefully, you'll
see that Mr. Mihelic
correctly identified Spain as
the shooting location of
Sergio Leone's pictures. It
takes a pretty attentive
reader to be a Suck fact
noodge!

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


That is the Tom Green Show
Its not the Barney Dunne Show
Barney's a stupid schmoe fact
checkers should really know

Rick McClinton
<McClinton_Rick@tmac.com>

Duly noted.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


I took this snippet from
todays suck (5.18.2000). It's
most of the way down tucked
in with the tom green
comments. And how will all
this hold up against San
Francisco's "Fat Ordinance"?
What ordinance is that? Did
you make it up or is it real?
Please explain. Thanks

Jodie La Honta
<Jlahonta@employeeservice.com>

This is a reference to an
incident a few years ago,
when a local gym offered
billboards making fun of
obesity, and various tubs of
guts around the city
complained. It's possible
that one of the busybodies on
our board of supervisors
proposed an ordinance banning
jokes about fat people, but
to our knowledge no such law
now exists, and in this case,
as in many others, we were
stretching for a joke.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Filler

You,

I don't want to marry you
anymore!! Why can't you just
accept that and move on? You
are joking about not having a
bong, right?

Ci$co
<fvelasqu@ball.com>

Oh my god. It really doesn't
reflect very well on you,
that you could be so cavalier
about what we had together.
Your decisions, apparently
made quite casually,
negatively and irreparably
impacted my current reality
and my future. Yet you refuse
to take responsibility for
the tragic circumstances that
you created. How is it
possible that I was so
totally deluded about your
ability to make a lifetime
commitment?

And then, to add insult to
injury, you have to push the
envelope and make a joke
about something that you
bought for me for my
birthday! You know how I
treasured that bong, yet you
blithely absconded with it
when the caca hit the GE
Oscillating Room Unit!

You dog. I've lost all
respect for you. I'd wish you
harm if I didn't know, deep
down, that you'll pay the
price for your neglect more
than you can possibly know
right now. Well, you're
young. Good luck out there,
buddy. You're gonna need it.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Polly -

I have started getting the
strangest sensation that you
and Terry Colon the
cartoonist might be close.
Perhaps lovers, or even the
same exact person. Or both.

Am I hallucinating? Or just
sucking between the lines?

Best,

Steve Rapaport
<steve@petabit.com>

Terry and I are not lovers,
nor are we the same person. I
wish we were the same person
so I could sit around drawing
pictures of stuff the way he
does. However I'm sure he's
very clear on the fact that
he'd rather not be the same
person as me.

See how lopsided this stuff
is? Love bites, man.

Try not to suck between the
lines from now on.

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hi Polly,

In a recent Fish response,
you said:

"You want encouragement and
sincerity, check out a copy
of InStyle magazine. They'll
even tell you what brand of
lipstick Heather Locklear
wore on last week's cover!"

Actually, Brill's Content did
an article a while ago on
fashion magazines, and noted
that the makeup credits for
the cover models are rotated
through the magazine's major
advertisers, and are not
really what the models had
on. One quote from a magazine
insider said [something to
the effect of] "There's no
way that [makeup] was within
50 feet of the shoot."

As for Shaq, this is the
first year since he left the
Magic that I've been rooting
for him, and that's only
because I want to see Penny
Hardaway go down in flames.

Back to the bong,

Mike Mustaine
<mustaine@earthlink.net>
(No relation to Dave, although
my cousin says I look a little
like him)

No — say it ain't so!
I've got a crate full of
Amber Twilight eye shadow
that says I do have the power
to look just like Sarah
Michelle Gellar!

This is America! Money buys
everything, and don't you
forget it!

Look what money did for the
Lakers, for one thing!

So there!

Polly Hardaway
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Polly,

The latest Filler episodes
have been...how shall we
say...less than enjoyable.
What happened to the whiny,
bitter girly girl of yore?
Less mostly transparent faux
self-criticism as a front for
obsessive narcissism and more
Mr. Flinchy! Twenty-something
males are the cause of and
solution to all a
masochistic-gal-
suffering-from-
low-self-esteem-
and-some-form-of-
chronic-dysphoria's problems.
This is all ye know and all
ye need to know.

Lady Carlisle

Girly girl?!! How long have
you been reading Filler?
Whiny and bitter yes, but
girly girls are a horse of a
different color
.

Besides, obsessive narcissism
is the foundation on which
this church was built.
Twenty-something males are
merely the spittoon in which
we mistakenly bless ourselves
upon exiting. Furthermore,
what's the cure to low
self-esteem and chronic
dysphoria? Again, obsessive
narcissism! But I don't need
to tell you that, Lady
Carlisle. With a signature
like that, I trust you've got
plenty of extra narcissism in
the ice box saved up in case
of natural disaster or
unforeseen break-up.

Do you really think I'd
pretend to criticize myself
just for your benefit? All
self-criticism is 100% real
— and absolutely
necessary to keep that
overconfidence in check. Mix
some self-criticism in with
your narcissism and see for
yourself. Tasty, no?

Anyway, masochism is sooo
early-twenties. I think it's
time you watered your plants
and read a good book.

Self-congratulatorily, but
supportively, yours,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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