The Fish
for 8 May 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Publisher








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 


Generation Hex

i think wired called new
twenties from atms "yuppie
food coupons" and not "dotcom
food coupons". you suck.

Ivan Hooker
Grafik
<ivan@grafik.com>

You suck, too, Ivan, though I
suspect I mean that more
lovingly than you do. You're
quite observant to note that
Wired called them "yuppie
food coupons" back in 1996.
Details, however, recycled
the piece in April of this
year as "dotcom food coupons"
— that's what I reported
— which showed, I think,
both a curious equivalence in
their minds between "yuppies"
and "dotcoms," as well as a
fundamental misunderstanding
of the dotcommunist way of
doing business.

Yours,

Jonathan Van Decimeter
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Nicely done JVD.

I can't help but be amazed at
the hypocrisy of George
Colony's suggestions that
Xers have pushed their ideas
into popular media to the
detriment of society at
large. What the heck does he
think he's doing? Being an
Xer who remembers all too
well what my prospects were
when I got my BA in 1991, I
know there's nothing to be
had in trying to please the
man. When the going gets
rough, the baby boomers will
circle the wagons and try to
shut you down.

However, since businesses are
all "rational structures"
with their own confused
assumptions, it's best to
Ponzi scheme the assumption
memes to your advantage.
Flick on full transmit mode
and hype that S.O.B. idea! It
doesn't matter what you're
saying as long as you're the
first in and the first out.
If all that's left to hand
over to the baby boomers is
an empty shell of a company,
then we did the job that
we're socioculturally
allowed to do. Here you go.
You're the center of the
universe and the hegemon of
oh... everything, so you make
it work, genius. It's not our
fault if you suddenly stop
believing the B.S. we're
spinning simply because you
accidentally found out that
it was that other generation
making it happen for you.

Heywood Jabuzzoff

Considering that the baby
boomers handed us so many
empty shells of companies
— been to downtown
Detroit lately? — it only
seems fair, as you point out,
that we return the favor.

Yours,

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


This is exactly the sort of
stylistic excess I'd expect
Suck's editors to rail against.
Don't indulge in smug little
turns of phrases like "the
intellectual set." It's irritating.

Benjamin I. Helfinstein
<bhelfin@wlcg.com>

Funny, I thought I read
something about "smug little
turns of phrases" in Suck's
mission statement. But I
actually found your note
reassuring; I've always felt
like I fall short in the
smug-turning-of-phrase
department, when compared to,
say, BarTel d'Arcy or St.
Huck.

Yours,

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: NoBrow

Sucker,

Damn you! I was working on a
piece for Suck based loosely
on my own angst inducing
reading of NoBrow.

While it appears Mr.
Seabrook(sp?) is a very
intelligent man (and, I'm
guessing, possibly gay - how
else can you explain such
consternation over clothing
purchases?), I found his
premise hyper-cynical and his
conclusions way to
pessimistic and at times even
contradictory. I object to
you furthering his bottom
line by providing a link to
an ecommerce house for his
book (of course, I'm going
over the edge here too).

Other than that, thanks for a
great article - are you rich
yet?

Todd
<mentcht@yahoo.com>

To quote the Pets.com Sock
Puppet in a recent issue of
Time Digital, "They're
supposed to pay you for
this?"

As to Mr. Seabrook's sexual
orientation, I'll pass on
your request for a date and
we'll see how he responds,
mmmm? Top line, bottom line
— form a line!

Yours,

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


How about Value America's
plunge where Craig Winn (45
yrs old) ended up with $50M
and Paul Allen lost $54?M?

Brett Baer
<bbaer@circadence.com>

Mmmm, but isn't that just an
example of boomers screwing
each other? If I wanted to
see that, I could obtain
samizdat spouse-swapping porn
from the depths of suburbia.

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


My husband and I (both 24
years of age) were recently
talking about the bad blood
between the boomers and gen
xers. It is nice to see we
are not the only ones who
feel that there is a jealous
streak running through our
society. Our only reaction is
screw our boomer parents and
their parents for telling us
that we would never amount to
anything. We did and we are
rich because of it. The thing
our generation has proven is
that you can kick us from day
one, tell us we won't make it
and will never be worth
anything, fine, just don't
get all worked up because we
are making more money in a
year than you could in 15.

I have spent my whole life
hearing that our generation
is going to fail, never work
and always depend on our
parents for a hand out. And
my parents still want to know
why I am such a pessimist.
You hear it your whole life
you start to believe it. The
amazing thing about it though
is the fact we heard it, and
reacted. Screw you was the
theme, watch me make it, and
make it better than you. Now
they see we did, and now we
didn't do it good enough.
Well who cares what the baby
boomers think anymore, they
are the ones sinking all of
their hard earned money into
our get quick businesses. My
hat's off to US. Just
remember to stuff some of our
billions under the mattress,
because our money is paying
for the boomers retirement.
Social Security is running
out. We won't have any when
we are 60. Squander so we
won't leave our children
having to support us because
our parents couldn't get
their acts together.

Thanks for the article, it at
least kept me from feeling
all alone in my thoughts. We
have succeeded and proven
that we are better at it than
the generations before. Too
bad they kicked us to the
curb. Who is going to
volunteer to save them in the
next war. Not me. I have no
loyalty to them or our boomer
government. I do know however
we as the Gen X tradition has
proven will survive, and in
style.

Jaime Peters
Inner CityMiddle School Teacher
<petersjaime@hotmail.com>

Of course, if you look at
capital flows, we're funding
the baby boomers' retirements
one way or another. Who do
you think has been daytrading
their mutual-fund portfolios
up to million-dollar levels?
The younger, greater fools of
Generation X, that's who. If
you've been in the stock
market since 1980, you're
set. If you're getting in now
... well, gambling's always
been the most amusing way to
part a fool and his 401(k).

Yours,

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Jonathan:

Excellent article. And thanks
for pointing out one of
Colony's missing links, that
many of the e-commerce sites
about to go bust are run by
B-grads who got in the show
without taking one second to
understand that, surprise of
all surprises, e-commerce
isn't like running Johnson &
Johnson or GE. That is, from
my observations, the big
source of the vacuous nature
of e-commerce CEO's Colony
talks about.

Jim Hillhouse
<jdhouse4@jump.net>

Thanks for the kind words. I
call the phenomenon you
observe the "Barksdale
Effect," after the
smooth-talking and
technically unsavvy ex-CEO of
Netscape. Many a company
would rather have a graybeard
who can calm the capital
markets than someone who
actually knows what
e-commerce is about. Viva
Jeff Bezos, even though he's
on the old side of Generation
X.

Jonathan
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Super Sounds of the Seventies

Subject: Three Mile Island...

...was a PARTIAL meltdown of
one of two reactors on-site,
not a "meltdown." A meltdown
would have resulted in more
radiation exposure. As for
the "irradiation" of
Harrisburg citizens, it's
hardly that. There's not
nearly enough radiation in
that area to even kill
bacteria. The mutants
produced there are not the
result of radioactive
material, but the inbreeding
of a primitive culture:) Just
thought I'd also mention that
a "Chernobyl" is not possible
in the United States, due not
only to the limited sizes of
the reactors, but the
concrete enclosures in which
they are housed. The only
people who would be killed by
a meltdown in the US are some
workers inside the plant.

SMR
<srooks@astro.ocis.temple.edu>

Yes, yes, of course, though
you ignore the one true
casualty of Three Mile
Island:Dan Akroyd, who played
an irradiated Amazing
Colossal President Carter
back in the days when we were
stoned enough not to realize
just how awful that show
always has been. If we lived
in a simple world in which
correlation implied
causation, then Three Mile
Island is responsible for the
subsequent demise of Danny
Boy's career. Which I'm sure
you'll agree is aptly
described as in a state of
meltdown in its most
Chernobylian connotation.

Luminously,

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Super Sounds of the
Seventies

Hello, Sucksters:

I have to offer a minor
correction to your '70s
column: Rene Richards was
(and is) an ophthalmologist,
not a dentist.

And as for no one taking
Erich von Daniken seriously,
my older brother took him
very seriously - and he
wasn't even stoned! He was
eleven, though.

In any case, I enjoyed the
column - but I can't quite
bring myself to thank you for
reminding me about
Bicentennial minutes and
Qiana shirts.

Lemuel
<lemuel_s@excite.com>

My childhood friend who had
her teeth cleaned (and
nothing else, you of filthy
minds) by a pre-change Rene
Richards will no doubt be
interested in such news. As
will two out of three
dentists who are pondering a
gender change.

Still hailing polyester,

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: bon jour!

Thank you for that 'groovy
trip' (facetious) down memory
lane. So when is the '80s doc
coming out - next week?? NBC
scares me. Will they happen
to cover Anita Bryant and her
homophobic antics/or Harvey
Milk in San Fran? I doubt it.
But that doesn't mean it
didn't happen - right? ha ha

I was born in '70 so i really
don't remember much prior to
a hazy recollection of Ford
leaving office & Captain
Kangaroo.

Always a pleasure!

C
<cpdmange@cmp.com>

There are only hazy
recollections of Ford in
office for those who lived
during those days. Captain
Kangaroo, btw, was actually
from the 1870s.

Nostalgically,

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: a fine argument for
an awful decade

Fine piece, and it was nice
to read something pro-sexual
and personal freedom. It's
still hard for me to warm up
to the decade - except for
Robert Crumb, those Joni
Mitchell albums and the
wonderful sourpuss movies
they made, where everyone
gets divorced and dies
violently in the last reel -
and those were the Hollywood
movies! (And if you're really
an afficianado of the "Bummer
Decade" be sure to see the
new film Waking the Dead. It
has plenty of Ford-era
malaise and random death, in
addition to a hair-raisingly
accurate seventies-girl
performance by Jennifer
Connelly - I don't know how
the hell she got it so
right.) But considering
mostly that I spent the time
(aged 12-20) in Los Angeles,
being snubbed by the females,
looking unsuccesfully for a
job, and being interrogated
as a longhair by the LAPD
everytime I set foot out the
door, I have to say I can't
share in this '70s nostalgia.
Yes, the '90s are very hard
cheese indeed and if I were
in my twenties I don't know
how I could handle nineties
boredom, bad music,
conformity, and most of all
ruinous fucking expense.
Compared to the current
rat-race, Studio 54 sounds
like fun - but, remember
please, the point of Studio
54 was that not everyone was
allowed inside. Keep up the
good work,

Richard Von Busack
<regisgoat@earthlink.net>

p.s. The Filth and the Fury
is another fine '70s movie
that's just coming out, a
documentary about those
boredom fighters the Sex
Pistols. The feel good movie
of 2000!

Dear Baron Von Busack,

My favorite Sex Pistol was
Margaret Thatcher, but rumor
has it she dropped out when
they went soft on the queen.

Still wondering who killed
Bambi,

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Mr. Mxyzptlk,

It looks like the Sucksters
left a word (to wit: 'one')
out of one of my favorite
lines in today's Suck:

Indeed, the 1970s surely rank
as of the five or six best
decades of the second half of
the 20th century.

I wrote a column for Suck
years ago, and they made some
edits that rankled me. But
such is the deal: take their
money, and live with their
having mangled your work. :)

By the way... can you say
what ASCII 6b6c74707a79786d
spells?

regards,

Tom Ace
<crux@qnet.com>

Thank for the eagle-eye close
read. Many of us from that
thing that makes it hard to
attention.

Ritalinless,

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Mr. Mxyzptlk,

I have absolutely no interest
in television about the '70s.
None. "That '70s Show" has
already brought out all the
tired clichŽās from the
decade in a way that doesn't
make you want to smoke crack.
Its success only goes to show
that each decade experiences
the same shit only with
different hair styles.
Anything made today will be
more influenced by the
present than the past, so why
wallow in nostalgia between
dot com ads? In thirty years
are we going to want to see
listless Gen Xers discussing
whether Pearl Jam or Nirvana
best represents grunge while
brushing pot seeds out of
their flannel shirts and
sweating the results of their
friend's latest AIDS test? I
hope not. I've already seen
Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawk
in that movie. Then again, I
spent most of the '70s in
diapers. This means no drugs
or free love to cut the sting
of avocado green wallpaper
and brown shag carpet, so I
may be bitter about the whole
subject.

Defending myself against
'70s,

Clay Niemann
<clayn@dillonet.com>

If you spent much of the '70s
in diapers, you can rest
assured that you'll be
wearing the same ensemble
right around the time when
Gen X nostalgia comes around
three decades hence. Mark my
words, Christina Aguilera
will never have sounded
better. And you'll learn to
enjoy once again the benefits
and pleasures of
incontinence.

Unrepressively,

Mr. M
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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