The Fish
for 27 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor


Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Hit & Run

The kaffiyeh is the scullcap
- the sand-whigger is wearing
a GHOUTRA, bound by the IQAAL

Get your camel-jockey-terms
right before you post your
stories, shitwits. :)


Not quite correct, there,
Tom. As a speaker of pidgin
Arabic, backed up by a
speaker of native Arabic, I
can attest that: a) whatever
else a kaffiyeh is, it is
definitely not a skullcap; b)
"kaffiyeh" is the acceptable
term to use, at least in the
Levantine dialect, for both
the checkered
head covering favored by
elderly Palestinians and the
white thingee Agent Wilber is
wearing in his portrait; c)
they don't speak Arabic in
Iran anyway. They speak some
other language.

Put that in your argili and
smoke it!

Ibn Hmara
Fish With Letter Icon

sand wigger? is this like a
white person mixed with those
niggers that live in the
sand. are you people crazy
writing something like

Protector of Mankind

Thanks for piecing that one
together, POFM. Exactly what
are you protecting mankind
from, anyway?

Dune Loon
Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: six angels and no


While I'm certainly not above
playing a bit fast and loose
with the facts, certain
things require due reverence.
There were in fact six (not
five) angels in the original
TV series...the canonical 4,
Kate Jackson, Jaclyn Smith
(with my preferred "y"
spelling), Farrah
Fawcett-Majors (I wouldn't
let her forget the bionic
one), and Cheryl Ladd, as
well as the two late
pretenders Shelley Hack and
Tanya Roberts (of Marc
Singer, the Beastmaster,
fame). Really is one of the
best party trivia questions,
that and the 20 Batman
villains list. One of the
joys of writing a
dissertation is all the tv
that is on in the

And to make myself feel
normal, I peep this.

And here's the footnote.


John Hund

Thanks for that comprehensive
list, Mr. Hund. Discussing
any prime time programming
from the seventies seems to
bring you people out of the
woodwork. But you forgot to
mention that Bosley was
sexier than any of them.

Waiting with baited breath
for that "'70s" mini-series,

Seamus Guccione
Fish With Letter Icon

I consider myself an ultra
conservative White activist.
I naturally find a lot of
negative information about
jews. Your site is a breath
of freshness. Knowing that
jews are an intelligent
competent people, I am
encouraged that not all jews
wish western civilization to
be destroyed. I have little
respect for my political
prostitute gentile leaders,
so I feel very alone much of
the time. It is very easy to
visualize the end of America.
The nation is sinking into a
flood of mud. Thank you for
the alternative view. I will
not bindly follow anyone.

Earl Brumbaugh

Testify, Earl! Don't fire
until you see the whites!

Shlomo Weinstein, Esq.
Fish With Letter Icon

Bubblewear? That is great. I
have all my life been looking
for a disposable business
suit for $119.00. And scented
web pages - just exactly what
I need in my life. The
Internet has got be stopped -
Long Live Mafia boy


Hey, Mr. Shark, if you don't
like it, go to Canada. Or I
guess that won't work either.
Just get dotcom happy!

Dudley Dooright
Fish With Letter Icon

Re: the bubble economy & its

The way to frame the opinions
of snivellers like Tim Draper
is by resurrecting this
quotation from the venerable
Professor John Kenneth
Galbraith, who, in his
seminal 1954 tome, "The Great
Crash, 1929", expressed (in
an eerily suck-prescient
style) that "Wall
like a lovely and
accomplished woman who must
wear black cotton stockings,
heavy woolen underwear, and
parade her knowledge as a
cook because, unhappily, her
supreme accomplishment is as
a harlot." Draper's just
another yowler in the

Professor Galbraith is at
least 90 and he still sounds
like this. He should be your
next interviewee.

Best regards from a fellow

Jeremy David Stolen
Intellectual Provocateur
(remember me?)

I'd like to see this
Professor Galbraith of yours
slip his 90-year-old ass into
black cotton stockings and
heavy woolen underwear and
try to land a man. It's not
easy, you know! There are a
lot of real creeps out there!

Cash Barrelhead
Fish With Letter Icon


Ms. Fashion Victim:

"Talks about shopping like
it's a challenge akin to
climbing Mount Everest,
featuring desperate,
terrifying setbacks and
exhilarating victories. "

Okay, that's me.

Ms. Drama Queen:

"..may seem like
unpredictable mood swings but
which are actually totally
understandable reactions to a
tumultuous and often quite
hostile world"

Yiiii (that's recognition
mingled with amused disgust)
That is sooo me.

But forget about just Women
To Avoid. What's amazing is
that I can relate to your
characters *so* much even
though I'm from a totally
different culture half way
around the world.

You never cease to entertain.
Thanks for hitting all the
issues right on the head and
with such wit, I laugh out
loud. Which is quite a feat,
believe me, plus, I read Suck
at work. Actually, I only
like Filler, the rest is too
winded and slightly preachy.

I looked around my "circle of
friends" and I can come up
with about 5 more Women To
Avoid, & in my case they'll
be Arab Women to Avoid,
although the reasons to avoid
them aren't because of their
"Arabness"; I am not a
sell-out. I don't want to
bore you so I won't describe
'em here, but email back
anytime if you need ideas
from my neck of the woods.

A reader in Saudi Arabia

Hiba Dialdin

Wow, thanks for writing! But
are you telling me Saudi
Arabian women are as
delightful as American women?



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Okay, so you're

but I love ya anyway!

I gotta ask: on the day
before my birthday, that is
March 29, your column had a
"next page" button beside the
heading "Bad head makes the
morning fabulous". Soon as I
saw it, I thought of Janie
Runaway on the new Steely Dan
album. Is this a correct
connection? If so, you have
great taste in music as well
as in other things...

Chuck Dupree
Palo Alto, CA

Shouldn't you have signed
that "How about a kiss for
your Cousin Dupree"?

Which fine Colombian do you
think Mr. Dan was talking
about? Pablo Escobar wasn't
fine, that's for sure.

Fish With Letter Icon

You guys have probably been
flooded with this tip already
since you ran tha asian mahir
thing, ya? no? anyway: The
only worthwhile so-called
homepage I have run across.
Rumor in NYC is that it's a
frustrated tonight show
writer's little hoax. Old
dude. Amatuer magician and
philosopher of sorts.
Hilarious. Think warner
brothers buying it is a
joke/hoax. Christ, at least I
hope so.


"Yesterday'S SAying:"WHenever
I get tired and lonely AND
life seems TOO HARD, I look
AT tHE BEAUTY OF a simple
flower. AND THEn I pull the
flower out of the Ground and
realize that I AM more
powerful than the FLOWER, and
to itt I seem like I'm fifty
million damn feet tall! Now I
DOn;t feel so tired! Now I
feel like a damn GODZILLA!"


When I want to feel powerful,
I play ant hospital. Injure
some ants, put them in
separate rooms of a little
ant hospital, create ant
emergencies. Nah, that's
gross. But I did that when I
was little. Only severely
mentally damaged children
would dream up a game like

As for the website, who
knows? If acting like an evil
imbecile online gives you a
thrill, well...then we have a
lot in common.

Fish With Letter Icon

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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