for 24 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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It's the Economy, Stupid! You forgot the Xhosa disaster in the 1850's. After the defeat of the Light Brigade in the Crimean War, a woman in what is now South Africa predicted that that the ancestors of the Xhosa people would arise and kick out the hated British. All the Xhosa had to do was stop planting crops and to kill their cattle. ( To the Xhosa, just as bad as the Inuit killing their dogs, with the added kick of burning your bank book and ATM card.) The cattle were killed, the ancestors did not arise, and the Xhosa starved to death. The British colonialists were horrified, but they still took over the now empty land. Michael Walsh MCSE MCT <michaelw@nh-chicago.com> That one I forgot, but so many I still remember. It was no less quaint a native than Ronald Reagan, our own slavering Don Quixote, who identified Russia as the Gog (or Magog, I forget which; it's late here in Jerusalem, and I have been sampling the holy land's unhallowed brews) foretold in Ezekiel's visions of destruction. Hell, the bestselling nonfiction book of the 1970's was...no, notI'm Okay, You're Okay not Fear of Flying, but The Late, Great Planet Earth, a set of very specific and lurid predictions of how the world was going to end in the late 70's based on apocalyptic readings of that same old book of Ezekiel. Why do some people's bogus apocalypses result in strangled, charred corpses and others in book royalties that leave Eggers in the dirt? Ah, buddy. It's the economy. Hypatia  That was elegantly written, nicely researched, and all in all an exemplary piece of work. (What it's doing in Suck.com is therefore anybody's guess, but even Tim nods.) I wonder, however, if you're not putting too big a knock on the followers of Joshua (late of Nazareth). The end of the world as we know it illuminates several other religious systems as well. The most obvious is that of the Shiites, who wait for the return of the hidden imam, but contemporary Judaism retains a messianic component, Shiva always waits within Hindu faiths, and most of the meso-American religions foretold the coming of some great change, or ending. Probably somebody better read than I could add more examples. There is something inherently horribly human that wants neat endings and complains when it doesn't get them. That Christianity seems to be driving the worst of these may say less about it than about the news-gathering abilities of the societies that embrace that particular faith. Be that as it may, you make some solid arguments. Thanks again for the fine piece. Alan S Kornheiser The Doctor Is IN "That thing you're doing... don't do that." I think there is something special about Christian apocalypticism, something more attractive and virulent, but that's a gut feeling. If you take a look at the founding documents, the Jewish Bible ends with the promise of the rebuilding of the temple at the hands of a real, earthly ruler (Cyrus). The Christian one ends with a heavenly nukefest at the hands of the heavenly messiah. Go figga. On the other hand, given the implicitly Protestant and explicitly white European media reporting stuff that they've edited for comprehensibility and ability to fit our preconceived narratives, I can't claim to have much more than a hint of what's really going on. Hypatia That's a really good piece, Hypatia. Chris Tayler <chris.tayler@whatsonwhen.com> Are you insinuating something? If so, thanks! If not, thanks anyway. Hypatia I would like to thank you for an insightful and disturbing article that helps blow the trite, utterly miniscule conceptions of recent news out the window. It's relieving to see a blast of static like this really pound home a message (albeit a depressing and horrific one) instead of the usual sarcastic, self-involved filler (not that I don't like the filler, but this is real analysis of real news, whatever that means). So basically, thanks for writing this article, it gives me hope that other people online actually care about problems on a global scale that don't include multinationals and their debts and recessions. David Romine <david.romine@home.com> We tend to use one language and one filter for all this stuff. It's not that the other global phenomena aren't related in all sorts of ways to the debts and recessions, it's that we're not conceptually prepared to deal with it. To that end, I'd recommend Charles MacKay's Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds, which has never gone out of print over its century-plus history. It starts with the John Law stock bubble of 1719-20, which scammed the King of France and thousands of the smartest people in Paris, and quickly moves on to Witch crazes. Putting stocks and the supernatural together isn't my invention; it works because they're part of the same phenomenon in cold, hard reality: the human imagination. Hypatia She Will Always Love Us Funny--but Celebrity Skin better than Nevermind? I think you must have had some of Whitney's wacky-tobacky. Anyway, any moment Courtney Love is singing is a moment she's not acting. As Houstons went, I always prefered Penelope to Whitney. I was starting to get temporarily insane during that period where you could not enter a store, a restaurant, a bar, or a funeral home without hearing, "I will always luhv youuuuuuewe-ewe, ewe ewe ewe ewe" on the muzak. "I will always love you, I will follow you around, I will sing this song under your window again and again and again until you go insane or yield yourself to the vaccum of my yearning." Still, it's not hard to sympathize with the persecuted woman. More evidence of suffering: that song "Da Butt" on the soundtrack of Spike Lee's immortal classic School Daze (with the lyric "Whitney's got a big old butt/big Jersey butt.") and the scene in American Psycho where Christian Bale extols the deep meaning of Houston's anthems just before stabbing a victim, as John Cale performs an orchestrated version of "The Greatest Love of All." A possible comeback role for her, post rehab: playing The Siren in Joel Schumacher's Yet Another Batman Movie, breaking glass and shaking masonry with her high-pitched warbling. Sincerely, Richard Von Busack <regisgoat@earthlink.net> Thanks for that example of Whitney's butt being mocked. Have these people no shame? I can sympathize with just being tired of her voice, but must everyone be so hateful? And, sorry, but Celebrity Skin is better than Nevermind. Warm regards, Eugen I seem to have a problem here mustering any sort of interest in these assembly-line pop icons - VH1 keeps trying to interest me in these Divas & anti-Divas, and yr article also sorta bounced off. Except for the part about Courtney Love - she's a viscous opportunistic moron and the mainstream fascination with her is a pretty ugly little drama. Yrs, Colin Rankine the little boy from the big apple This refusal to let go of all this damaging hate toward Ms. Love has characterized much of today's correspondence. Please, Mr. Rankine, can't you just let go and feel the love? Concerned, Eugen Obytuaries Dear Sucksters, People who use e-mail to inform others of a death in the family obviously don't use a whole lot of tact... or is that how most people perceive e-mail is used? It is my experience that a majority of messages that float through my inbox are created without regard to proper punctuation or grammar. As well, the authors don't seem to add very much detail to these messages. Due to the faceless nature of e-mail, many messages can be misinterpreted because there is no emotion behind the words. But this is no excuse for trying to rent a room. Another example of this was presented to me when I visited Superduperheroes.com this week. A site designed to show the talents of a couple of artists, visitors were greeted with a message instead of their daily cartoon: "Due to the unexpected death of my Father, SuperDuperHeroes will be taking the current week off. We'll be back next week..." Russ Golightly <savagedragon@hotbot.com> Well it's easy enough to address the problem that there is no emotion behind the words: "Due to the unexpected death of my Father, SuperDuperHeroes will be taking the current week off. :-( We'll be back next week..." Sucksters Hello, My name is Julio and I understood you are very rich, but you're not philanthropist. Any way, I wrote you because I REALLY NEED A HELP to go on my faculty. I'm student and I need to work to much for fees, but I must learn first, but my time is to short. If you want to help me - not too much (actually I need for 300 $ for taxes), please email as soon as possible. In my country - Romania - the costs are expensive and the total money you can win on a mounth is too small. So, PLEASE JUST HELP ME... Thank you very much, Julio Costea <cjromeosky@yahoo.com> Dear Julio, Thanks for your heartwarming Easter message. At this blessed time of year, it's important to remember those less fortunate than us. We have made your message public and are encouraging our readers to help you in your time of need in Romania. Hang in there! Sucksters Hit & Run Who would the Sucksters be if they didn't do a little sucking once in awhile? My goodness, as I read yesterday's Hit and Run I started to be filled with anticipation. What could this young filmmaker have said that was so enormously, ridiculously dumb? Then reading what he said, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of "so what?" Come on guys! Was this guy worth attacking that much, just for some misguided idea about making movies in a repressive society versus an open, free, yet money-driven (and at times elitist) society such as ours? I agree that Payne is delusional to think that in some dictatorship or communist society he would have grown into a brilliant filmmaker, or whatever. But come on, this is American film society. Directors,actors, even producers - both on the Hollywood "inside" and those like Payne who no doubt consider themselves on the "outside" - are largely delusional about everything. In his romantic mind, I'm sure Payne could see himself in an Eastern bloc, 1970s or '80s-era country with one of his works being smuggled into the free West - and making a huge splash in the film world. Outrageous? Sure. That's the way artists are. So, did you hate "Election" (a good film, in my opinion) so much that you saw fit to single Payne out for a Hit & Run rant? And do you feel better now? Best Regards, Scotty <austinmet@yahoo.com> No, we feel really guilty about the whole thing. Poor Payne must be really broken up about the way we attacked him. Too bad we can't just throw him in the gulag — that's the civilized way to criticize. Sucksters Apples and Onions Subject: Why Compare to the Onion? I'm sorry, I don't understand why people keep comparing Suck.com to The Onion. The Onion started as a paper publication filled with event info, and the humor is parody. From my exposure to Suck.com (every day), I see no comparisons. Suck.com features essays — both large and small, cynical cartoons (which I love), interviews, and the occasional parody of "pitches" or other such things. It's not nearly the comparison that New York's tired Rotten Apple is. You can love both Suck and the Onion equally, and for different reasons, as I do. Besides, the Onion is only new once a week, and Suck doesn't offer me Dan Savage. Why would I choose? Another point, re: your 4/13 Hit & Run: If you watched the DVD of Election and listened to Alexander Payne's commentary, you wouldn't be surprised at anything stupid he might say. The man is a fine director, but sucks at speaking. Thanks for disregarding my e-mail message. I'll follow up w/a phone call later! :) Alexia Henke <alexia_henke@exchangeny.deutschinc.com> We encourage everyone to enjoy Suck every day, for all the many reasons you have enumerated. We have nothing but the highest regard for our colleagues in online publishing. Sucksters Naive as ever, I thought all the unhappy kidz loved your ass once they got a peek. All I did was send you a faintly fawning little note, and this Dave pops his spleen in my face like a hot beer. I see the flames you publish, of course, but I had no idea the unmedicated were fixating on you with this kind of heroic abandon. Anyway, here's a sample of the tides you raise out here in beef country. Do you think I'm safe? Dibs on the Fish sofa, Randy Ratliff <rratliff@acgtech.com> Oh, check his e-mail address. That was the hoot of hoots for me. ---Original Message --- From: Randy Ratliff [mailto:rratliff@acgtech.com] Sent: Thursday, April 13, 2000 4:33 PM To: 'David Matteson' Subject: RE: soul stirring belly-laugh!? Dear Dave, I'm sure things will get better for you someday soon. Of course I don't want to speculate about a perfect stranger (how foolish would that be?), but I wonder if bitterness such as you express doesn't perpetuate itself. After all, if you put half the effort into showing some kindness to someone nearby, the immediate rewards might encourage you to do more of the same, rather than attacking casual phrases in letters written by people you don't know to people you don't know. Or, as my Uncle Larry puts it, "if you piss on a fire, you deserve to stink." Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that includes a little kindness pointed your way. I promise you that, right now, someone wants to be nice to you. When they work up the nerve, I hope you let them. Randy --- Original Message-- From: David Matteson [mailto:matteson@ isr.umich.edu] Sent: Thursday, April 13, 2000 3:21PM To: 'rratliff@ acgtech.com' Subject: soul stirring belly-laugh!? sir, i've known about suck for a long time, i check it once in a while, but mostly i ignore it because it is drivel. i've been checking the letters lately to see if they'll bother to publish the flame i sent them regarding their recent, completely inane tirade against interface-skins (i'm sure you know the one if you are an avid suck reader.) but i thought i would write and advise you to have yourself committed. what kind of reasonable person uses a phrase like 'soul stirring belly-laughs'? for that matter, what kind of genetic mutation is required to find suck funnier and wittier than the onion? i'm sorry but you are just dead wrong, suck is reminiscent of the childish e-zine i ran years ago when the net was first beginning to blossom. i was thirteen, the 'sucksters' are supposedly adults. unfortunately, they are far less informed and rational than most children. hoping you find a nice padded room, ...dave p.s. don't bother to bitch me out about being an asshole or sending unwanted negative comments your way, if you don't want this kind of thing, you should've asked them not to list your e-mail address. the fact that it was there tells me you welcome comments, if that's not the case, simply delete this and forget about it. on the other hand, you could always write back and explain exactly what demented thought process leads you to believing suck is the best 'humour' site on the web. Randy, Thanks again for your continuing support. Sucksters Speaking Out About Things That Suck I read suck and I liked it very much . As It is there a many things that suck and it is good when they get there noticed as to be able to say " Yes thats something that really sucks" Mary J Salvato <msal376964@juno.com> Thanks, Mary. We believe that Americans are too willing to put up with things they don't like. It's about time for people to stop being so shy about complaining! If you think it sucks, tell a friend! If not, tell the management! Sucksters Speaking Out For Suck.com I'm living with a Chinese family as an American foreign exchange student right now, and periodically I get on the Internet to check a few of my favorite sites. Suck.com is on my list, and I can't go without looking at it every week or so. Anyways... The other day, my host found suck.com in the global history. When I got home, after a while he worked up the courage to ask me if I was "looking at sexy sites on his computer". I said no, no, no, I wouldn't do that (and especially not here!), but he argued he found a "sexy site address" in the URL history bar and was adamant I was crusing for sex pix on his poor little computer. I thought about it long and hard (OH! suck.com!), pulled up suck.com in front of him on the computer (he freaked out), then finally it loaded and he said "never mind." Kevin Marshall <laconian2@yahoo.com> Your host must have had a pretty good grasp of colloquial English if he recognized "Suck" as a "sexy site address." You should have told him it was a site about vacuum cleaners. But what about the part of the story where your pants accidentally fell down? Didn't that lead to even merrier misunderstandings? Sexily, Sucksters |
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