The Fish
for 14 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
Copy Editor

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager



Telling Baby No

I love it.

I am one of those Baby
Boomers.

I survive by employing the
"Me Inc." strategy when it
comes to the work world.

I have one core part-time job
with great benefits. I switch
hats and work other part-time
jobs. If my second part-time
job does not work out
(usually it's one of those
"flexible hours and great
place to work jobs") I'm out
of there.

As long as I can get out of
bed I will always have some
sort of part-time job. I live
modestly. I am a single Dad
with a teenage daughter. I am
home at different times of
the day.

I used to work from dark to
dark. Who needs that. I
dumped my Costco membership.
Just more stuff.

I love it! Don't mess with
me.

SWWM.

You won't have a problem with
me pally, just so long as you
register all your gun
purchases.

I have to say though, you
probably have come across a
good way to deal with
corporate job situations. I
think the angriest people are
the ones who sign on to
companies and pin all their
hopes and dreams on them,
only to get frustrated when
the machine doesn't pay off.
With your way, you've got
more control day to day than
most people.

Glad you liked the comic,

Bert
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Admit it. You're jealous
about sex and the drugs,
right?

<scarrif@deltanet.com>

No, Larry, it's the herpes
and short term memory loss
that's got me jonesing. No,
there's lots of sex and drugs
out there - don't you old
timers read MAXIM?

Disco Rules,

Bert
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


This is awesome. It reminds
of my father in law's
company. I work for
MCIWorldCom Network and Data
Solutions. I would be
interested in how your
company is structured.

Ken Minton
<kenneth.minton@wcom.com>

SUCK is structured on the
policy of Might Makes Right
and If You Don't Like It,
Jack, There's Always Salon.
It's pretty tough around
here. SUCK's idea of a health
plan is If You're Not
Healthy, Plan to Look For a
Job. You know what I'm
saying? It's a long work
week, too. As I was told,
"Bert, if you don't want to
work on Saturday, don't plan
on coming in on Sunday."

If you really want to know
about SUCK, write Tim
Cavanaugh (tim@suck.com),
cause my whole work
experience here is structured
all around him.

Bert
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Man, you made my day.

Used to work at this strange
job, editing the transcripts
for National Public Radio on
the far outskirts of the DC
metro area.

My average transcriber's age
was 45. At one point, I had
four lawyers working for me.

Seething mass, dude, seething
mass.

Tee, hee, hee.

<D.leach@elsevier.com>

Wow,

Talk about your front line
veterans! As John McCain
would say, "Thank you for
serving, sir."

Glad you liked the strip.
I've had some angry boomers
writing in and some letters
like yours. One man's freedom
fighter is another man's
terrorist, I guess.

The Ageist of Aquarius,

Bert
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: yeah, well, ur site
name pretty much sez it all

u suck... i see, so baby
boomers are stupid old
hippies and disgruntled
workers..and teenagers are
gun toting psychopaths.....
but not the gen-x'rs ....
hell no.. u guys are level
headed, completely sensible,
well adjusted young adults...
bite me... i dont hav
anything to learn from the
generation that made bands
like 'poison' and 'motely
crue' and 'ratt' and
'cinderella' rich... not from
people that would get all
teary over 'power ballads'...
such crap... ur a cookie
cutter generation... no
substance.. all hype... even
ur drugs are lame copies of
the real stuff.... suck.com
is right... u suck...

Trip
<TripTampa@aol.com>

Cinderella? Ratt? Crue?
Nobody was more disgusted
than me to see those baby
boomer metal acts conning
decent kids out of their
cash.

Well "Trip," sorry you
weren't into "Telling Baby
'No'". I tried to say nice
things about Carly Simon and
Bill Clinton, but you can't
please everybody.

I'm just doing it for the
kids,

Bert Blecht
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hit & Run

Is there any possibility that
someone could notify when the
current mcsweeney's publicity
stunt has ended? It's true
that I will endure almost
endless tedium when it comes
to Internet magazines (I am a
devout reader of suck.com
after all), but the current
state of mcsweeney's exceeds
even my endurance. It seems
to me that if a publicity
stunt is only marginally
funny and/or interesting to
begin with, dragging it out
for an extended period of
time will do little to
improve it's level of humour
or interest. Mcsweeneys's was
never terribly consistent to
begin with, but at least that
was because of the variety of
writing. Inconsistency is
vastly superior to something
with the consistency of cold
oatmeal.

Cheers,

Matthew Dorrell
<matthew@silverorange.com>

Don't knock cold outmeal,
Matthew. There are over six
billion people in the world
today, and oatmeal will keep
more of them from starvation
than good writing has ever
managed to do.

As for the publicity stunt, I
think you should steel
yourself to the notion that
it will never end. But look
on the bright side - since
McSweeney's itself has always
been something of a publicity
stunt, its year-plus
existence has already built
up your publicity-stunt
endurance. Though not as
effectively as Suck, which is
rapidly approaching its fifth
year of shoveling out
inconsistently tedious
oatmeal.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Evidence for the claim that
the McSweeney.com bail-out is
a hoax: the McSweeney
children swim on the "Melrose
Sharks" team. This same swim
team name was used in one of
the fake reviews posted for
Egger's book. One of the dry
wits was too attached to this
darling name and reused it.

Now, I suppose if someone
were industrious enough to do
actual research, more
compelling evidence could be
found. But I'm not that
someone.

Tim Mitchell
Crack Rabbit Cove
British Columbia, Canada
<tim.pitas.com>

Or one of Eggers' minions saw
the swim team at
McSweeneys.com and worked the
name into the fake book
review. Or those bad boys at
McSweeney's went to the
trouble to set up a dummy
real estate
firm in Woburn
Massachussetts, which is
listed in the Woburn phone
book, mentions "Gerry
McSweeney" as an employee on
its web site, and refers
calls for "Gerry McSweeney"
to a guy who identifies
himself as "Gerry McSweeney."
Or they really did the deal
but no money changed hands.
Or they didn't but it did. At
some point, if they're
willing to go to that much
trouble on such an
uninteresting prank, you've
got to concede the point and
say "Knock yourselves out,
fellas!"

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Hasn't anyone noticed that
www.mcsweeneys.com hasn't
changed?

Shrug,

Chris Piuma
Editor, flim.com
<piuma@flim.com>

Oh sure, go on with your
crackpot Kremlinology! You
know, it's cynics like you
who make it hard for good
folks to come together in
honest and uncomplicated
amity.

Sucksters
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Re: pranks by the
"alternative news media"
I think what's even more
interesting is when in the
middle of the year, a New
Times paper writes a hoax
article about a judge who
sends a kid to jail for
writing a book report about
Where The Wild Things Are.
Now, it might be easily
dismissed as satire, except
for a few kickers. The thing
with Chris Beamon (kid writes
story about getting high and
killing teacher, etc)
happened around here, and the
judge who did it was named
Darlene Whitten. The judge
named in the article is a...
Darlene Whitten. And there
are quotes.

Try searching for her name at
http://www.dallasobserver.com
- she's now suing the paper.

Andrew Hime
<hime1@gte.net>

You should read Warren
Hinckle's book and you'll
find, once again, that they
did it better in the sixties.
Ramparts, which had already
distinguished itself as the
nation's leading voice in JFK
assassination theory, then
decided to self-deprecate by
running a parody review of a
fake four-volume book of
extreme Oswald-Ruby-Johnson
conspiracy theories by" Ulov
LeBeouf." The magazine's JFK
assassination buffs
recognized the parody
immediately and were
incensed, but the LeBeouf
book ended up being cited in
the bibliographies of several
later JFK books.

yr pal,

BarTel
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


The Suck Crassroots Movement

Well, I tried. I sent the
following to the Talk of the
Nation installment today that
featured The Onion. Often
they'll read an e-mail on the
air, especially something
contrarian, but not a one
today:

"Subject: Better than the
Onion, funnier than all of
them.

The Onion is cute and
chuckle-friendly, but it
lacks the gravitas, the moral
center, that makes real
satire, and soul-stirring
belly-laughs, possible.

For the real thing, and the
best writing on the Web, go
to the best magazine on the
Web, www.suck.com. Please ask
your guests about Suck.

Randy Ratliff
Kansas City,MO"

I won't ask for the smart
Suck ball-cap or t-shirt that
I crave. I just wanted you to
know your demographic is on
the march.

Randy Ratliff
<rratliff@acgtech.com>

Thanks, Randy. All efforts
touch our hearts.

I can't emphasize this enough
- TELEPHONE! Telephone,
Telephone, Telephone! Use the
telephone. This is 2000:
everybody knows about email;
they're used to ignoring it,
and in every subject line
they see a subtext note
reading "I secretly want you
to disregard this message."
Why do you think everybody is
willing to give out an email
address and nobody is willing
to give out a phone number?
Because they know one doesn't
work and the other does. The
phone was, is and will
continue to be the only
proven method for pestering
people and getting their
attention. This is
straight-up advice I'm giving
you here, and it applies as
much to your work with
Applied Communications Group
as to any future guerrilla
warfare on Suck's behalf.
Whatever it is you're trying
to accomplish, use the phone!

And maybe we should cheese it
on the "Suck is better than
So-and So" business. Who's
got time for the pissing
competitions? Try just going
with a nice, round, oracular
phrase like:

"You and I are just passing
through history. Suck is
history!"

yr pal,

tim
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott
Five-Star Day Cafe
Athens, Ga.
Salon's "Action Figures"
TV ad
Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends
Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)
George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)
King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)
Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)
The ECW's Little Spike Dudley
Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)
Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000
Star Dudes
Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.

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